15/05/15 Strangers On A Train (1951)

Pretty sure everyone who has even a casual interest in films knows the rough plotline of this. Two strangers meet on a train (funnily enough, the title's something of a spoiler so far) They both have problems, a domineering father and an unfaithful wife, and so one of them suggests that they should murder the person that troubles the other, therefore blah, blah, blah.

64 years was a long time ago, from my experience, on a modern train journey you'd only have to approach the nearest person with a neck tattoo and say "Oh mate, stab that cunt" and it'd be job done. Or at least a good shoeing on a rail replacement bus service. Still, back in the early '50s, people used to wear a tuxedo to take a shit. Things were far more formal back then.

Anyway, as part of the 'What's the deal with Hitchcock' pledge, I watched this today. Definitely too dated to be thrilling by modern standards, the main bad guy is a laughably effeminate, dandyish fop, but it's still entertaining and very watchable.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1823672/
7/10

Courtship was very stiff back then. Even facing each other pre-marriage was considered an unforgivable sex act.

"Gosh darn it, Gary! Are you being wanked off by a midget again?!"

"Yes, Miriam. Forgive me. It's their tiny hands, I can't resist 'em!"

"Good day, Sir. Welcome to my humble crib. I'm Papa G-Money, these are my bitches, Kanesha and Barbara."

IF this blog was to ever run caption competitions, this screen cap would prob be the first.

"Darling, would you like me to prune your hat?"

"Yes please, it's very upsetting."

Perkin.

19/04/15 Tootsie (1982)

A midget changes clothes so he can get a better job. Podd loves this film.

(She's a bit odd.)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084805/
10/10 (Apparently. Aah, go on then.)

Perkin.

30/03/14 Orphan (2009)

Some people adopt a midget. She's evil.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/
4/10

Perkin.

20/02/14 The Color Of Money (1986)

A pensioner and a midget play small snooker, neither man can spell the word colour.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090863/
6.5/10

Perkin.

04/12/13 The Gate (1987)

Stephen Dorff was 13/14 when this was made. He looked about 9. Oddly, he appears not to have got any physically larger since then, but his head has got old.

Anyway, some kids, demons and whatnot.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093075/
5/10

Perkin.

18/07/13 The Rambler (2013)

A man gets out of jail, puts on a hat, seems to live inside David Lynch's mind, gets punched a bit, smokes fags then some zombies or some shit. Dunno. Has a midget.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2381355/
3.5/10

Perkin.

17/07/13 Pawnshop Chronicles (2013)

Slightly odd, multi-arc film that centres around the curious folk who find themselves making use of a pawn shop underneath a bridge.

Three main stories and a wraparound, done in a Tarantino/Coen brothers hybrid style, works pretty well. Contains midget.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1741243/
7/10

Perkin

18/05/2013 McVicar (1980)

Roger Daltery plays John McVicar. For any non-Brits, McVicar is a real life, former criminal who has since made a career of being a former criminal with a typewriter.

Most of this film takes place in prison and portrays prison life as some kind of Beano-vision, youth club version of incarceration. Apparently, every criminal in the '70s was a decent sort who had the misfortune of getting caught.  We'll ignore the fact that, in reality, they were probably a right shower of cunts. This being (loosely) based on fact does make me curious about a few things though. Mostly:

How factual was the paper mache prison escape?

Was McVicar really that much of a midget?

How did Stephen Berkoff manage to ever get hired again after this film?

Very flawed, but worth a look, especially to get a peek at Britain four decades ago.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081144/?ref_=sr_1
5.5/10

Perkin.

20/04/2013 Jack Reacher (2012)

"Reacher is 6'5" tall (1.96 m) with a 50-inch chest, and weighing between 220 and 250 pounds (100–115 kg). He has ice-blue eyes and dirty blond hair."  Therein lies the first problem with this film as Tom Cruise is a renowned midget with dark hair.

Horrific miscasting aside, the film is average at best, largely unengaging and too long by 40 minutes. Rosamund Pike's boobs are quite impressive though.

4.5/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790724/

"What did you call me?! Oh..CONE"

 Podd

15/02/2013 Officer Down (2013)

Stephen Dwarf is a cop whose has had dodgy stuff happen to him and he goes to find out who made the stuff happen and stuff.  It's well acted but fairly unengaging and Dwarf's head is now too distractingly wrinkled.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1925479/?ref_=sr_1

5/10

Podd

19/01/12 Demons 2 (1986)

What is it with Italian horror films?

Well, they're poo. Which kinda answers that.

As a life-long horror mental, I've always been perplexed by the blind adoration some of the worst offenders have amoungst the splat-fans. Demons 2 was written by Dario Argento -definately not a paedophile, but really looks like one- and directed by Lamberto Bava. You know that when two such incandescent beacons of Italian amazingness get together, brown magic's gonna happen!

Anyway, the film takes place in a block of flats where a grumpy woman gets bitten by her TV, turns into a demon and then runs around spreading the love. Various residents include:

A pregnant woman who does sit ups to "Give air to the baby" !?

A Gym instructor who manages to dip his arms in oil before every scene.

A Mark 1 Ford Fiesta, briefly seen in an alleway.

A gang of four hilariously unconvincing street-tough 'youths', in their early thirties, who spend the film speeding recklessly around town at 28mph, before having a crash and, er, fucking off.

A male midget* demon who gives birth to a sub-midget demon, who is even midget-ier.



The make up and some of the effects are genuinely excellent and a couple of shots are actually, honestly creepy. The effects peeps and the DOP deserve a pair of golden pasta shells (probably the Italian version of The Oscars 'n' shit)

4.1 Ferrari flavoured pizzas/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090930/


If the film was a Terry's Chocolate Orange, this video would be the fourth segment:

                                                               Perkin.

*Possibly meant to be a child, deffo looks more like a midget though.