28/05/2015 The Harvest (2013)

Hardcore glumulist Michael Shannon is married to the equally glum Samantha Morton and they have a miserable child (not entirely his fault as he's terminally ill and in a wheelchair). Turns out his parents are bit odd. Yep this one's a right giggle. It's actually pretty dull.

4/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2543336

Podd

01/04/15 Cannibal Apocalypse (1980)

Surprisingly dull given the title. Made by Italians. If you want intelligent, thoughty words about Italian films from that era, as well as stuff from all kinds of other places and times, read the excellent blog Pickled Cinema:

http://pickledcinema.blogspot.co.uk/

Me, however, I think almost every Italian film is vespa flavoured pasta toilet. However, they can be very entertaining, often in ways that weren't intended.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080379/

4/10

The 2015 Spring/Summer collection is going to be dominated by pale shades. whites and blues, accessorizing with dashes of flame.

"Your coat looks like a twat."

"Fuck off, you old bellamy!"

That actually looks like the sofa I'm currently typing this bilge on. I don't look like Steven Spielberg wearing his mum's shoes though.

This is actually from a different film: "Office Manager 2: Stapler of Justice"

"You seen my favourite Robin Askwith poster anywhere?"

The glasses scream "sex offender!", whereas the hair and 'tache say "Also a sex offender"

A six wheeled, thirty foot ambulance? The fuck is that for? Giraffe emergencies?

Perkin.

20/02/2015 The Woman In Black 2: Angel Of Death (2014)

Or "Back Again For A Pointless Sequel: Harry Potter's Fucked Off".

Mostly boring and lacks spooky bits.

4/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2339741

Podd

18/02/2015 The Last House On Cemetery Lane (2015)

I didn't see this. Perkin said it started quite well but soon turned to bums.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3144266

4/10

Podd

21/01/2015 Altar (2014)

Shown on TV as "The Haunting of Radcliffe House" or "Another Film Where A Family Move To A Sinister Stately Home With A Dubious History In A Village Where People Hate Strangers And Somebody Sees Something Spooky And Somebody Else Goes Mental And Olivia Williams Has A Terrible Haircut".  For some reason they thought "Altar" was a snappier title.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3484800

4/10

Awful haircut not as apparent as in the film

Podd

09/08/14 The Inbetweeners 2 (2014)

The TV series was great for the first two series, shite for the third, then the first film managed to recapture some of the fun. This was like the third series.

We watched this in possibly the world's most middle-class cinema. Top of their snack board list was 'Hummus with a warm flatbread'. In an act of class rebellion, I bought a large popcorn and a fizzy pop. Sure I picked up a slight look of elitist disgust from the cashier. They can put their pretentious food stuffs in the boot of their Range Rovers and drive them up each others arses.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3097204/
4/10

Perkin.

19/07/14 Death Of A Ghosthunter (2007)

Woman investigates a haunted house. Ends up dying. Saved you the trouble.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1160317/
4/10

"Not now! BabyHulk is watching us!"

Perkin.

05/07/14 Outpost: Rise Of The Spetsnaz (2013)

Third film in the Outpost series. Like the other two, there was an editorial suite decision to slide the saturation tab all the way back resulting in an almost entirely colourless film where trees, clothes, faces and mud are all the same shade of omnigrey.

Also, for a film involving machine guns, mad nazis and a muscular Scottish fellow punching zombies, it's pretty boring.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2241403/
4/10

Perkin.

11/06/14 The Body (2012)

Eth eth eth eth, bueno estente!

El hombre eth eth missing wife.

Scorchio.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1937149/
4/10

Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

05/05/14 Blacula (1972)

Thought I hadn't seen this, but I have. It's pretty weak, although William Marshall who plays Blacula, almost gives the role dignity, in the scenes without the plastic fangs, he's excellent. Otherwise it's dated badly, has lots of wobbly acting and tries to throw in a difficult comparison between the centuries of colonial/slavery practices in Africa and vampirism.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068284/
4/10

Purple... Robe... Hood... A stiff... Sure there's a penis joke in there somewhere.

"Fucking ouch! Just sat on me vampire bollock."

By the logic of this film, I'm guessing this guy is Count Greenula.

"Whaddya mean I can't play the title role!?"

Perkin.

01/05/14 Three Extremes (2004)

Three short films from far eastern directors. Two are shit, the one about eating dumplings made from baby is quite good.

It was edited by the Bum twins.

Told you!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0420251/

4/10

Perkin.

25/04/14 Portrait Of A Zombie (2012)

One of the increasing number of zombie films that try and do the socio-realism thing. It kinda does that bit fairly well, it's just the rest which is a bit arse. The acting and dialogue ranges from competent to making your face hurt.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1566938/
4/10

Perkin.

20/04/14 Devil's Due (2014)

The world's blandest couple go on honeymoon and accidentally become the parents to some kinda Satan baby or some shit. Those forrins, eh? Can't be trusted.

Because, obviously, if Satan existed, he/it would choose a pair of cinegenic dullard peoplebots to spawn his infant of darkness.

It's a bit like Rosemary's Baby, but shit.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2752758/
4/10

Perkin.

30/03/14 Orphan (2009)

Some people adopt a midget. She's evil.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/
4/10

Perkin.

26/03/14 The Night Of The Hunter (1955)

I've wanted to see this for years. Supposedly a classic of gothic terror. Maybe I missed something but I sat through 100 minutes of laughable twaddle containing some fucking terrible performances.

Actually based on a book that was a loose interpretation of real crimes performed by an actual nutbag.

In its defence, some shots are visually very, very striking and I imagine some scenes were genuinely shocking 59 years ago, but the music's shit, the editing's arse, the acting really is cock. Robert Mitchum's performance as Max Cady in the original Cape Fear, seven years after this was made, was much scarier and worthy of the praise this film undeservedly receives.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048424/
4/10

.

M.C. Escher bunk beds.

"What you reading?"

"Parade. You?"

"Elbow Deep magazine."

Known in the wrestling world as the 'Yewtree Lunge'.

Perkin.

24/03/14 Summer Of Fear (1978)

This was something else that was on TV that I couldn't be arsed to switch over even though I saw it recently. It's still fairly rubbish.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078330/
4/10

Perkin.

23/03/14 Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark (1973)

A year or two ago we watched the remake of this, it was shit. Turns out the original was a bit sherman tank as well.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069992/
4/10

Perkin.

22/03/14 I Am Soldier (2014)

Ever see the TV show Ultimate Force? Like that but without the accidental comedy.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2717318/
4/10

Perkin

05/03/14 Nightmare City (1980)

A man with a beard goes to an airport. A plane lands and lots of portly zombies in suits get off the plane and start whacking people with sticks.

It's Italian.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080931/
4/10 or possibly loads more if you're pissed/in the mood for utter ballsack viewing.

"Hands up if you're embarrassed"

Hello.

"Any chance of a lift?"

"Yes, mate. Jump on, I'll drop you at Tesco."

"The name's Mud, Cedric Mud."

Boris Johnson. Total cunt.

"Look, Gary! It's the 'Shop of Yellow Things' where I bought this jacket."

"Miriam, shut up and get in the jeep before these fuckers wake up from their road siesta."

Perkin.

05/03/14 The Devil's Rain (1975)

Half-baked silliness about some devil worshipping arseholes who all melt at the end when some special water splashes them.

Directed by a guy from Croydon!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072869/
4/10

Perkin.