Wednesday, 31 October 2012

31/10/12 Rites Of Spring (2012)



LOL etc.

Anyway, horror film (Halloween, innit) that starts off with two separate threads, one about a kidnap/ransom and one about some women tied up in a barn. The two converge and stuffly stuffs happens all over the place.

There's also an old guy with a knife and some lumpy fella who lives in his basement. A pretty good effort for a low budget film but nothing outstanding or greatly original.


Tuesday, 30 October 2012

28/10/12 Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

Last saw this about 25 years ago when Halloween fell on a Saturday and one of the four available British TV channels decided to put on the least popular film of the Halloween franchise.

Four TV channels, eh? Those were the days.

Also, back then, there wasn't a sell-through film market, if you  wanted to own your favourite flick on VHS, you had to buy a full price rental cassette, they were £70 a pop! That's (roughly) the equivalent of £300 in modern money. A mate of mine bought Four Weddings And A Funeral for a girl he really liked for £75, 18 years ago. She dumped him. He probably could've bought a house or something for that sorta money. Or an entire town up north. Also, any woman who's into fucking rubbish like that... Meh. An admirably grand gesture considering our incomes back then though.

These days people just instantly stream films onto their iTube Facebox and pay pennies for it. No fucking effort required for proper film fans any more.

I've got a subscription to the excellent Canadian horror film magazine, Rue Morgue. Highly recommended for anyone into that sort of stuff. In the last edition, they had an interview with the director of Halloween 3, praising it up as some kinda, obscure, forgotten, counter-culture gem of the genre, so when I saw it was on TV last night, I thought 'Result! Haven't seen it for many years, must be worth a go. Can't be the terrible old shit I seem to remember about a bunch of evil rubber masks and some old tit who wants to kill the world using the power of a Stonehenge brick. Or can it?'


It also has some right ol' hairdos and no Michael Myers. Don't get me wrong, with the exception of the first film, I'm not much of a Halloween fan, and even the first is enjoyable rather than brilliant but having a film called Halloween 3, and not involving anything to do with 1 or 2 is definitely dropping a bit of a bollock.

Myers is shit though. Frustrated fuckin' mask wearing odd 'un. Just needs a Pot Noodle and a wank, none of this stabby shit. Twat.

Anyway, he's not in this one, he had a year off*, this one's just the above mentioned masks and shit. It's total penis.


Sunday, 28 October 2012

28/10/12 The Angels' Share (2012)

Excellent film about some people in Scotland who still have teeth and some expensive whisky.

Highly recommended!


27/10/12 The Blob (1988)

I was gonna say what a tits name for a film this is. It's so basic and obvious. But, then I tried to think of a less dumb sounding name:

Gelatinous Terror.


Doom Jelly.

Non-Newtonian Space-Bastard.

Danny Glover.

But then I thought, who cares, the film's some silly old twaddle about a small town being absorbed by a big blob. And it's a remake of a film called The Blob.

Shit but fun.


27/10/12 Inbred (2011)

A film about four cheeky teens enjoying a fun, typical Yorkshire weekend.

Better than expected, especially as it's from the writer/director of the shit-awful Cradle of Fear. Imagine Deliverance crossed with The League Of Gentlemen with some very impressive and hugely splatty gore effects. Coulda definitely done with having thirty minutes trimmed off it but worth a go if you're in the mood for some horror silliness.

This week on Fruitbowl Conversations, apple.

Cheryl Cole.

Winner of Yorkshire's Mr Politically Correct 2012

Slipknot are just getting lazy these days.


Saturday, 27 October 2012

26/10/2012 Killer Joe (2011)

Professional Texan Matthew McConaughey plays a dirty cop who does some hitman work on the side, as well as shagging young girls (well, it is Texas) and enjoying his KFC a little too much.  He is hired by desperate-idiot-in-debt Emile Hirch to bump off his mother in order to claim the life insurance. Well we all know that particular venture never pans out well.

There's a better film in here somewhere but unfortunately it is held back by unsympathetic characters you just don't care about.  The violence feels like it is deliberately trying to shock and McConaughey is still one of the world's dullest men.  IMDB recommend Very Bad Things if you liked this, Film Plop recommend Very Bad Things instead of this.



Wednesday, 24 October 2012

24/10/2012 The Day (2011)

Not the worst take on the "life after The Event" theme and it has a fair attempt to bring a slightly new angle to the genre, however enjoyment is spoilt by the distracting varying audio levels and the section which is so poorly lit it's almost impossible to make out what's happening.  There is some quite disturbing violence however, which is always pleasing.  Final piece of music is a rip off of the 28 Days Later music, the cheeky scamps.



23/10/12 Excision (2012)

Imagine if Napoleon Dynamite and May had a kid, then imagine that kid as even weirder than you first thought and that's pretty much the protagonist (very well played by AnnaLynne McCord) of this film.  It's certainly a rum 'un and although it's fairly obvious from early on where the film is headed (the title itself is a massive clue) that does not detract from this odd obscure gem.  Not recommended for those of a sensitive disposition and/or as a date movie.  A Film Plop favourite of the year.



Sunday, 21 October 2012

21/10/2012 Cockneys Vs Zombies (2012)

Not-quite-as-bad-as-we-expected-but-still-fairly-bad Brit horror about a zombie problem aaaht East.  There are a few amusing lines, mostly involving Alan Ford's impressive swearing ability (he plays his one Bricktop character).  Honor Blackman & Richard Briers now look proper old.  An interesting side game is looking out for the many continuity blunders.



Saturday, 20 October 2012

18/10/12 Dead Before Dawn (2012)

Mostly terrible.


16/10/12 Hypothermia (2010)

Michael Rooker, some women, two young blokes and Kevinface  play people who decide to go ice fishing on a lake which gives the local rubberdevil the right arse!

Judged up against proper films that people pretend are important, this is a right load of titwank. If watched as the straight-up horror film it is, this is much better than many films we've watched this year.

Some examples of Kevinface's finest work:


Sunday, 14 October 2012

14/10/12 Tamara (2005)

Slightly above average supernatural teen revenge film.

Apparently dying makes you more physically attractive. But also very eeeeeeevil.

Filmed in Canada.




13/10/12 Sound Of My Voice (2011)

Two investigative hipsters join a pyjama cult whose leader claims to be from the future and eats apples.

They bicker a lot, high five some Steve Jobs looking fella, enjoy a group vomit and plan a child kidnapping.

It's pretty good.



Saturday, 13 October 2012

12/10/12 Cobra (1986)

Children of the Internet, be glad!

You've grown up in a time of instant access, mass gratification, information overload.

When me and my people were trying to work out what kind of humans we were, we had to learn the hard way. None of this status update, iPhone, Google maps, telephone vote, 500 TV channel, online shopping, blu-ray, pre-sanitised shit for us. You pissy little fucks. Nope, we had miserable weather, tory governments*, the cold war and fucking terrible shit like this film as our relief from the crushing banality of everyday life.

I'm almost surprised it took me 26 years to finally watch this fucking shit and confirm my suspicions that it was a load of pig-awful bum-rape. Stallone, eh? What a wonky-mouthed cunt. How can you go from showing such initial promise (Rocky 1) to so rapidly becoming such a fucking arsehole.

I dunno, what I'm basically saying with this is that I'm jealous of young people and that this film's awful.

Shitness is a disease, meet the cause.


*Yeah, got another one. Any bastard that voted for 'em can put their name on my cunt list. Wankers.

Friday, 12 October 2012

12/10/12 Resurrecting The Street Walker (2009)

A film about a wannabe film-maker who obsesses about a film made by another film-maker 20 years before that might have been a snuff film. Or some shit like that.

Some of the performance are half decent, but almost the entire cast seem to be playing pissy, self-absorbed film wankers and unless done well, the 'post event, talking heads, mockumentary' thing is boring.

The Aussie film Lake Mungo done it well, and unlike this film, was kinda scary in places.

Also, it has the word Mungo in the title.


That poster looks like a miserable version of this one:



Thursday, 11 October 2012

09/10/12 The Barrens (2012)

Bloke can't find his dog, takes family camping.

Goes a bit pear-shaped, might be a thing in the woods.


08/10/12 Storage 24 (2012)

Some people in a storage warehouse have an argument then get attacked by a monster.

Made like a TV film, back in the days when TV used to bother with such things.


Sunday, 7 October 2012

07/10/12 Looper (2012)

Time Bruce.



Saturday, 6 October 2012

06/10/12 Chernobyl Diaries (2012)

Written by the guy who made Paranormal Activity (a great film if you enjoy watching two dislikeable people sleeping), Oren Peli.

A group of annoying young people go on a tour of Pripyat, sit in a van then get attacked by actors in rags. Here's a brief extract from Mr Peli's non-Chernobyl diary:

7pm- Done a poo.
8pm- Watched The Descent. Great film!!!
10pm- Played Modern Warfare. I love the level set in Ukraine, it's my favourite.
10.45pm- Great idea for a film!!!
11pm- Cocopops.
11.15pm- Bedtime.


04/10/12 Crawl (2011)

Boring Australian film about people in a small town where everyone walks very slowly.

It's a bit like the greatly superior Red Rock West, but at a much slower pace. Cobber.


28/09/12 The Terminator (1984)

Everything else James Cameron has been involved in has been shit. Apart from Aliens, that was also excellent. Aside from those two he can fuck right off.

The majority of people shit on about Terminator2 being the superior film. Apart from Linda Hamilton's bloody great performance, it was awful. A two hour pop video of brightly lit bumwash. The complete opposite of the original Terminator which was dark in tone and lighting, had genuine tension, was leftfield for its time and an absolute career best for global embarrassment Schwarzengger, playing the terminator as a relentless, ruthless deathbot, unhindered by emotion or morals. In the second one he pretty much played a kindly, battery powered uncle. 



27/09/12 American Pie (1999)

Always have a soft spot for this, some of the jokes still work, but the anxiety of virginity loss seems like a lifetime ago now. All the sequels were fucking shit.


23/09/12 Remains (2011)

Blah blah blah zombies and stuff.


22/09/12 Stormbreaker (2006)

Silly old nonsense about some gay looking kid who's a bit like a YTS Jason Bourne.

Ewan McGregor's cameo ends with some very unlikely physics.