21/07/15 Nosferatu (1922)

This film's been out 93 years. If you need another review before choosing whether to watch it, you're the most indecisive human who has ever lived.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0013442/

7/10

Between them they had a full beard. And brilliant expressions.

Wouldn't it be great if he was randomly a Geordie?

"Alreet, Pet. Aah'm, just gonna bite yer neck. Divvent worry."

Big purple co... You get the idea.

Being a German boat, the captain was probably some arsehole in a suit who sailed it right up the arse of the boat in front. Like a wanker.

"Tobey! How are yer?"

"Not bad, Des. You?"

"Got a bollocking off the guv the other day."

"Why?"

"Too much horseplay. Boom! Boom!"

"You twat."

"C'mon, I'm only horsing around."

Modern horror films could learn a lot from the ones of a century ago.

This guy co-wrote 'It Was A Good Day' with Ice Cube. 

Perkin.

21/03/15 Spring (2014)

More a romance film with some horror, than a horror film with some romance although enough of both to satisfy fans of either.

I thought the last film from the Writer/directors, Resolution, was a steaming coil of boring, and went into this expecting more indy hipster dullery. Pleased to say I was very wrong and this flick's excellent!

A troubled Yank lad realises that he has nothing to keep him in his home town, or even country, and so decides to jump on a plane and find a better life in Italy. He spends some time getting drunk with some Brits (well, we're good at it) then finds a job on a farm gathering up apples or something. He meets a young lady, and they rapidly fall for each other. Only problem is, she's a little different to most. To say anything more would give too much away, but I promise you this is very good.

The acting and script are sharp, the locations mesmerizing, the humour's excellent and the speech at the end, summarising the beauty, fragility and brevity of life is as good as I've seen in anything.

Excellent.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3395184/
10/10

Perkin.

20/10/13 Scar (2007)

Derivative, charisma-free, torture-porn shite that's about as much fun as licking piss off a nettle but without the novelty of doing so.

Angela Bettis was the main draw, as we've had a soft spot for her since seeing the underrated 'May', as well as her enjoyable appearance in the (mostly very disappointing) Masters of Horror series. Her contribution to The ABCs of Death wasn't as bad as many of 'em, either.

Anyway, in this, she plays a woman who was tortured in her home town a number of years ago by an unlikely serial killer, she goes back to the town and people start getting killed again. If I lived in a town where the colour had been so mercilessly de-saturated, leaving absolutely everything rain-cloud grey, I'd probably welcome being offed. Although, having said that, it'd still beat Croydon.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0847520/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
2/10

Perkin.

31/05/13 The Facility (2012)

A group of people decide that £1000 a week is enough to let some probably qualified doctors inject unknown drugs into them.

Turns out that the drugs have various side effects: trembling, nausea, hallucinations, murderous rages and make your head expand and go puffy.

It all goes a bit bollock-shaped as people start succumbing to the drugs and attacking the others whilst they're all trapped inside a locked-up hospital/lab type place. Bit like a low key 28 Days Later.

Still, grand a week? Probably be worth a punt.


Slow moving but decent.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1650044/
6.5/10

Perkin.

30/12/12 Livide (2011)

French horror film that starts off very well, then, sadly, tournez a droit up it's own le arse.

Which is disappointing as it was done by the same peeps as Inside.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1727516/
5/10

Perkin.

28/10/12 Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

Last saw this about 25 years ago when Halloween fell on a Saturday and one of the four available British TV channels decided to put on the least popular film of the Halloween franchise.

Four TV channels, eh? Those were the days.

Also, back then, there wasn't a sell-through film market, if you  wanted to own your favourite flick on VHS, you had to buy a full price rental cassette, they were £70 a pop! That's (roughly) the equivalent of £300 in modern money. A mate of mine bought Four Weddings And A Funeral for a girl he really liked for £75, 18 years ago. She dumped him. He probably could've bought a house or something for that sorta money. Or an entire town up north. Also, any woman who's into fucking rubbish like that... Meh. An admirably grand gesture considering our incomes back then though.

These days people just instantly stream films onto their iTube Facebox and pay pennies for it. No fucking effort required for proper film fans any more.

I've got a subscription to the excellent Canadian horror film magazine, Rue Morgue. Highly recommended for anyone into that sort of stuff. In the last edition, they had an interview with the director of Halloween 3, praising it up as some kinda, obscure, forgotten, counter-culture gem of the genre, so when I saw it was on TV last night, I thought 'Result! Haven't seen it for many years, must be worth a go. Can't be the terrible old shit I seem to remember about a bunch of evil rubber masks and some old tit who wants to kill the world using the power of a Stonehenge brick. Or can it?'

Yes.

It also has some right ol' hairdos and no Michael Myers. Don't get me wrong, with the exception of the first film, I'm not much of a Halloween fan, and even the first is enjoyable rather than brilliant but having a film called Halloween 3, and not involving anything to do with 1 or 2 is definitely dropping a bit of a bollock.

Myers is shit though. Frustrated fuckin' mask wearing odd 'un. Just needs a Pot Noodle and a wank, none of this stabby shit. Twat.

Anyway, he's not in this one, he had a year off*, this one's just the above mentioned masks and shit. It's total penis.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085636/
3/10

Perkin.

*: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/michael-myers-having-a-quiet-one-this-halloween-201110284480