25/03/14 Robocop (2014)

Remake of the well known vintage flick about the heavily armoured gadget-plod.

The good:
I very much liked the way the dated satire of the original is dropped in favour of a cold cynical portrayal of the modern corporate possession of human activity. Wars are nowt more than commercial expansion, fleshy collateral damage is utterly insignificant in the pursuit of enduring profit and individual emotional connections are an easily hurdled barrier on the path to financial dominance. Pretty much a mirror of the disgusting fucking reality we all live in.

The bad:
Numerous faults, the main ones being the lack of humour and the preservation of  'the hand':

Right, that picture is a still from the film, there's Robocop looking all action-ready and heroic. As you can see, for some reason, he still has a pink, fleshy right hand. Why?

In the original, when Murphy gets shot to wank by Clarence Boddicker and his stooges, they pretty much graft his face onto an Asimovian civil servant. In this one, after he's blasted apart by a car bomb, they preserve his head, neck pipes, respiratory organs and, for some fucking reason, right hand. Why? 

Surely it would have been much more appreciated by Mr & Mrs Murphy if they'd managed to put his wand and pods on ice? Or, just for the random LOL factor, like, a kneecap or some shit?

Oh, I dunno, it just seems like the preserved skin-mitt was completely pointless.

But, yeah, the film was quite entertaining.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1234721/

6/10

Perkin.

28/01/14 Sideways (2004)

When this came out, absolutely every film critic was desperate to wank themselves inside-out over how brilliant it is. Pretty much reinforcing my opinion of professional critics as a syndicated hive-mind, incapable of forming their own opinions.

Possible exaggeration aside, they can all suck my balls. Apart from very good acting, this film just came across as a middle-class circle-jerk between the makers and the intended audience. Fuck that shit.

The plot, as you possibly know, is two dislikeable men go on a short tour around some American vineyards, lightly bicker, meet some women and display punch-worthy levels of whining, pissy self-obsession. Yeah, I get it, men are eternal boys emotionally, who reach a point where they realise nothing in life is as great as the box it came in promised, and we need the stabilising maturity of women to give us focus. Or they could just grow up and not be fucking cabbages.

Also, people who think wine is important are cunts. Not the ways it brings economic benefits to the regions it grows in or any of that bigger picture stuff, but those folk who observe the snobbish fucking twaddle around the whole wine 'thing'. If it tastes good and you can afford it, it's good wine. Nothing else matters. Doesn't matter if the bottle's got a picture of a rustic chateaux or a fucking party balloon. I've had three quid bottles of bargain plonk that's been every bit as satisfying as the rare times I've tasted the thirty-quid-a-pop stuff.

Still, it might just be a class thing, I'd rather have a pint of lager.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0375063/
Shite/10

Even that poster is smug and cunty.

Perkin.

08/12/13 Vanishing Point (1971)

If you live in England, road movies can seem a little alien due to the relatively tiny distances from any one point to the next. Crossing a thousand miles of blue sky desert on the scorched two-lane black-top looks fantastic. Going from Winnersh to Dunstable  (54 miles) via the A40 in the drizzle is a reminder that life is unrewarding and pointless.

In this film, a man with hair that looks like a pube-hat, drives a Dodge muscle car across the desert non-stop over a couple of days buzzed on amphetamines, avoiding the roadblocks and pursuing police.

The British equivalent is when you watch 'Police! Camera! Action!' and witness a knackered Corsa screeching through a council estate being chased by a police Astra that ends when the Corsa crashes into  a Tesco Express and the driver is arrested for possession of five aspirin and a bootleg watch.

Bloody hell, Britain's a bit wank.

Anyway, for all it's dated visuals, odd performances, and terrible hair styles, this film still works as a tribute to rebellion. A middle finger to conformity and conservative authority.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067927/
8/10

Croydon - 5 Miles

This guy was (seriously) 32yrs old when this was filmed. Probably some Benjamin Button shit going on.

"Holler back at me, bitches."

Just as well the desert doesn't have corners.

"Look up there, Timmy! I've sellotaped your nan to the chimney"

"Lol"

Keith Lemon. What an unfunny cunt.

The 1971 Desert Olympics: Formal 100 metres.

I may move to the desert.

"Take my urine sample and go in peace, road warrior."

"Thanks, Brenda."

"Come and touch me on the pancakes."

Perkin.

26/10/13 World's Greatest Dad (2009)

Kid accidentally dies whilst having a wank. Robin Williams writes a book and goes swimming. Goldthwait.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1262981/
7/10

Perkin.

20/05/13 Inseminoid (1981)

Fucking hell! I had to check this wasn't Italian, it's that goodbad!

Seriously, it's a hilarious Alien rip-off, possibly budgeted using gravel rather than actual money. Filmed in Chislehurst, Kent, and scripted using some form of potato prints.

If films were sexual experiences, the original Alien would be a classy, fragrant union in a five star hotel. This film would be a drunken, blurry wank behind a disused skip.

Both great fun, but very different experiences. To stretch the comparison.

Well worth watching.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084090/
10/10

"Press the alarm button and I kill Michael Stipe!"

You dirty space-tart!

...

"You'll only feel a small prick."

"He's not wrong there!"

"Shut-up, Miriam!"

"Hello, I'd like to order a space pizza"

"Got the wrong number, you space-twat."

Sadly this scene didn't go where I was hoping.

Mutant laser space-baby!

Perkin.

26/01/13 The Dead Zone (1983)

Christopher Walken is one of those very rare actors who could be in an advert for beige paint and still be cool as they come.

Anyway, in this he plays a bristle-haired psychic who can see the past and the future when he touches* someone.

Very good.

*Wonder what happens when he has a wank?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085407/?ref_=sr_1
8/10

Perkin.

28/10/12 Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

Last saw this about 25 years ago when Halloween fell on a Saturday and one of the four available British TV channels decided to put on the least popular film of the Halloween franchise.

Four TV channels, eh? Those were the days.

Also, back then, there wasn't a sell-through film market, if you  wanted to own your favourite flick on VHS, you had to buy a full price rental cassette, they were £70 a pop! That's (roughly) the equivalent of £300 in modern money. A mate of mine bought Four Weddings And A Funeral for a girl he really liked for £75, 18 years ago. She dumped him. He probably could've bought a house or something for that sorta money. Or an entire town up north. Also, any woman who's into fucking rubbish like that... Meh. An admirably grand gesture considering our incomes back then though.

These days people just instantly stream films onto their iTube Facebox and pay pennies for it. No fucking effort required for proper film fans any more.

I've got a subscription to the excellent Canadian horror film magazine, Rue Morgue. Highly recommended for anyone into that sort of stuff. In the last edition, they had an interview with the director of Halloween 3, praising it up as some kinda, obscure, forgotten, counter-culture gem of the genre, so when I saw it was on TV last night, I thought 'Result! Haven't seen it for many years, must be worth a go. Can't be the terrible old shit I seem to remember about a bunch of evil rubber masks and some old tit who wants to kill the world using the power of a Stonehenge brick. Or can it?'

Yes.

It also has some right ol' hairdos and no Michael Myers. Don't get me wrong, with the exception of the first film, I'm not much of a Halloween fan, and even the first is enjoyable rather than brilliant but having a film called Halloween 3, and not involving anything to do with 1 or 2 is definitely dropping a bit of a bollock.

Myers is shit though. Frustrated fuckin' mask wearing odd 'un. Just needs a Pot Noodle and a wank, none of this stabby shit. Twat.

Anyway, he's not in this one, he had a year off*, this one's just the above mentioned masks and shit. It's total penis.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085636/
3/10

Perkin.

*: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/michael-myers-having-a-quiet-one-this-halloween-201110284480