Monday, 31 March 2014

31/03/14 Trick Or Treat (1986)

Currently on TV, so I'm currently watching it again. Very high mullet count. Boy with squashy face plays a record backwards, it releases an evil version of the guy who sung on it.

Can't really do that whole thing now. Not going to get bored/curious teenagers rotating an MP3 the wrong way under a stylus. Almost a shame.

7/10. If you're in the mood for a heavy metal themed  '80s teen horror flick. With a really boxcellent soundtrack.


31/03/14 Drag Me To Hell (2009)

Lots of horror fans think this is good. They're wrong, it's shite.


30/03/14 Orphan (2009)

Some people adopt a midget. She's evil.


30/02/14 Black's Game (2012)

Icelandic crime film. Sounds like a bit of an oxymoron to me. I've got a chum who lives over there, he once got stopped by the rozzers and done for some driving offence. He went to court and was given the choice of a fine or a night in the cells. In Iceland everything costs at least fifty million quid, so he chose a night in the cells. He reported to the local (out of town) police station and ended up drinking beer and watching TV with the one cop on duty then went home in the morning, hard time served.

Last year was the first time Icelandic police fatally shot a criminal suspect. Even over here in Blighty, the plod enjoy occasionally shooting people to death. Frequently the intended person!

So, yeah, this is a film where some fella falls in with a bunch of crims, takes drugs, earns money, bit of bum rape, the odd bank job and smuggles contraband.

It's actually pretty good.


29/03/14 The Station Agent (2003)

A short fellow moves into a shack. He makes friends with a childish man and a glum lady. Manages to stay on the correct side of indy film quirkiness, occasionally funny, touching and all that stuff.


Saturday, 29 March 2014

27/03/14 Mystery Road (2013)

Australian film about an Aboriginal copperplod investigating the murder of young indigenous girls. Although it's slow and unengaging it's well acted, nicely shot, makes quite a strong message about institutional/cultural racism and manages to improve as it goes on to conclude with a gunfight that conveys a realistic sense of panic and desperation.


27/03/14 Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

Side step for the low-fi, static-cam spook series. Found footage style that's based around two young fellas who piss about with dodgy occult stuff and end up paying the price.

Nice to see young ethnic characters who aren't stereotypes, there's some good moments of humour but then it drags on far too long and very tenuously ties itself to the other films in a bollocks final few scenes.


26/03/14 Quatermass And The Pit (1967)

Ancient Martian insects are dug up under London. Men with beards and glasses investigate. A singular woman is allowed to watch them admiringly.


26/03/14 Hog Wild (1980)

Terrible film about a teenage biker gang who display their total disregard for society's rules by attending high school and performing low-level acts of bullying. Most of them also cunningly disguise themselves as men in their thirties.

The main acty person is Michael Biehn who was actually quite young at 24, especially when comparing his squashy childface in this to his gnarly manhead in Terminator made four years later.

Anyway, it's really bumular.

"Yeah, I  pulled out and invested it all in custard. I'm now a pudding millionaire"

Completely heterosexual and everything

"Am I Jeffery from Rainbow?"
"No, you're Kyle Reece"
"Jefferies don't feel pain, I do!"

This guy is meant to be a member of a high school gang. Seriously.

"By the standards of this film, I'm probably about 19."
"Fo shizzle, homeboy... Fuck, me hip's gone."

Marks out of ten for casting?


26/03/14 The Night Of The Hunter (1955)

I've wanted to see this for years. Supposedly a classic of gothic terror. Maybe I missed something but I sat through 100 minutes of laughable twaddle containing some fucking terrible performances.

Actually based on a book that was a loose interpretation of real crimes performed by an actual nutbag.

In its defence, some shots are visually very, very striking and I imagine some scenes were genuinely shocking 59 years ago, but the music's shit, the editing's arse, the acting really is cock. Robert Mitchum's performance as Max Cady in the original Cape Fear, seven years after this was made, was much scarier and worthy of the praise this film undeservedly receives.


M.C. Escher bunk beds.

"What you reading?"
"Parade. You?"
"Elbow Deep magazine."

Known in the wrestling world as the 'Yewtree Lunge'.


25/03/14 The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Unlike almost everyone in the world, we thought the first two Nolan Batman films were shite. People opinion-jizzing over what irrefutable ultra-classics they are, whilst forgetting that they were over-long, camp nonsense about a man dressed up as a fucking bat punching baddies in the face. Kids films that have been bestowed with undeserving profundity and whatnot.

This one was still far too long, nudging three hours, but it was at least entertaining. Anne Hathaway's arse was splendid and the film took the wise direction of focusing on Tom Hardy's Bane as much as it does Batmong. I can't say if Hardy's performance is 'good', it's too cartoony to ponder in the thoughty sense, but it is very, very entertaining and he has some great lines.

That'll do, you've probably seen it anyway.


25/03/14 Robocop (2014)

Remake of the well known vintage flick about the heavily armoured gadget-plod.

The good:
I very much liked the way the dated satire of the original is dropped in favour of a cold cynical portrayal of the modern corporate possession of human activity. Wars are nowt more than commercial expansion, fleshy collateral damage is utterly insignificant in the pursuit of enduring profit and individual emotional connections are an easily hurdled barrier on the path to financial dominance. Pretty much a mirror of the disgusting fucking reality we all live in.

The bad:
Numerous faults, the main ones being the lack of humour and the preservation of  'the hand':

Right, that picture is a still from the film, there's Robocop looking all action-ready and heroic. As you can see, for some reason, he still has a pink, fleshy right hand. Why?

In the original, when Murphy gets shot to wank by Clarence Boddicker and his stooges, they pretty much graft his face onto an Asimovian civil servant. In this one, after he's blasted apart by a car bomb, they preserve his head, neck pipes, respiratory organs and, for some fucking reason, right hand. Why? 

Surely it would have been much more appreciated by Mr & Mrs Murphy if they'd managed to put his wand and pods on ice? Or, just for the random LOL factor, like, a kneecap or some shit?

Oh, I dunno, it just seems like the preserved skin-mitt was completely pointless.

But, yeah, the film was quite entertaining.


Friday, 28 March 2014

24/03/2014 This Is England (2006)

A bullied schoolboy is taken under the wing of a group of skinheads. Things take a sinister turn when another more extreme member of the group arrives back in town fresh from prison.

Well acted but bleak 1983-set drama from Shane Meadows. Joseph Gilgun is as likeable as ever. Also spawned an entertaining occasional TV series which catches up with the characters in 1986 and 1988.


Tuesday, 25 March 2014

24/03/14 Harrigan (2013)

Terrible script and a shite final 15 minutes but otherwise not a bad flick about a grumpy plod in the 1970s.

Always good to see Darren Morfitt and Craig Conway in stuff as they're both ace actors.


24/03/14 Summer Of Fear (1978)

This was something else that was on TV that I couldn't be arsed to switch over even though I saw it recently. It's still fairly rubbish.


23/03/14 Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark (1973)

A year or two ago we watched the remake of this, it was shit. Turns out the original was a bit sherman tank as well.


23/03/14 Chopper (2000)

This was on again and I couldn't be bollocksed to change the channel so I watched it again. When almost literally everything else on TV is some form of reality docusoap arse-porridge about some people performing their day job whilst occasionally pretending to pantomime argue with colleagues, I'll happily re-watch any half decent film.

TV is really shite these days.
7 or 8/10 Or whatever I scored it last time.


22/03/14 Alien 3 (1992)

Wanna make a film set on an unrelentingly bleak, grey, desolate prison planet? Film it in the north of England. Minimal set dressing required.

I seem to be in the minority with this film, I quite like it. Not as good as the first two, but better than most films with spindly acidmorphs.


22/03/14 I Am Soldier (2014)

Ever see the TV show Ultimate Force? Like that but without the accidental comedy.


Sunday, 23 March 2014

22/03/2014 Carry On Behind (1975)

A glaring omission from ITV3's Carry On fest over the Christmas period I was pleased to stumble upon this on Film 4 as it's one of my favourite Carry Ons yet isn't shown as often as the others (perhaps due to the absence of Sid 'N' Babs).

This is often muddled up with "....Camping" as it also takes place on a campsite. It follows two unlikely archaeologists investigating some Roman ruins, and the usual selection of tragic middle aged men attempting to cop off with attractive young women who are half their age.  Professor Vooshka (Elke Sommer) was somewhat a heroine to me as a young child. I'd like to give the worthy reason that it's because she's the most  positive female character in all the Carry Ons as she is neither a personality-free dolly bird nor a nagging wife figure, but the reality is I just love the fact that she's so completely bonkers.




21/03/2014 13 Sins (2014)

Remake of a Thai film which is probably better and edgier than this. A down on his luck man is offered increasing financial reward for performing 13 assorted "sins" which become more extreme in nature. It starts quite well but fizzles out. There's an amusingly dark scene with a corpse reminiscent of Weekend At Bernie's.



Thursday, 20 March 2014

20/03/14 Slaughter High (1986)

Mostly shite slasher film filmed in Britain with English actors pretending to be much younger than they are and American.

Rather tragically, the guy who plays the victim/vengeful killer topped himself almost immediately after the film was released. Although possibly the ultimate critical reaction to the finished flick, it is very unfortunate as he's the only cast member to display some genuine acting ability.

Still, for all its flaws, it is entertainingly crap and has some surprisingly graphic, splatty effects.


19/03/14 The Last Shark (1981)

Boxcellent (bollocks yet excellent) Italian film about an angry dolphin.

The plot- a Great White shark turns up off the coast of a popular summer resort town and starts munching people, the local politicians don't want to close the beach as it's a revenue spinner and integral to the town's identity, a gruff older fella with a moustache and shark hunting experience is hired to go out and hunt for whitey- is such an incredible fucking Jaws rip off, it makes The Asylum mockbusters look positively opaque in their influences.

However, being an Italian film from this era, the incredibly bad performances, terrible dubbing, utterly arse effects and a shark that looks like a giant rubber haddock make this every bit as entertaining as Spielberg's effort.
A billion/10

Or about 5/10.

Or much more/less depending on what you want from an Italian shark film from the early '80s.

Here's what it looks like:

"Pass me the butter, I'm going in!"

"Right lads, to summarise: shark on the left, people on the right. Got it?"

"Sorry, boss, we're still stuck. Which one is people in this picture?"
*Sigh* "You bobble-hat wearing trio of fuckwits."

"Phil! How are you?"
"Gary! Not bad mate. How you been?"
"Aah, y'know, swimming about."
"Yup. Still with Miriam?"
"Yeah, nine years this June."

Swiss Tony cameo!
"Catching a shark, Paul, is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you clean your tackle, then you prepare your bait and slide it into the water. When a suitable fish shows interest, you hook it in, wrestle with it until it stops struggling then take photos and boast to your friends. ...I'm lonely."

"I think you'll find that none of those charges stuck."

"And CUT! Sorry, I'm just not feeling it. What's my character's purpose here?"
"You're a fucking shark about to eat piss-poor actors. C'mon, Gary, I saw your Hamlet at the Globe last year, I know you have this in you."

Not just bad actors at risk, toy helicopters too!

*Nom nom nom*
"Mmmm, person sticks, my favourite!"

"Are we there yet?"
"Shut up you bollocking arse."


1803/14 Dark House (2014)

Bloke inherits a house that floated away in a storm, his girlfriend's up the duff and his dad lives in a pipe or some shit.

Not too bad for the first 30 minutes, then that bloke from the fucking awful 'Saw' films turns up and this also becomes fucking awful.

Utterly sphincter.


Tuesday, 18 March 2014

15/03/14 Tango & Cash (1989)

I didn't watch this, Pod did.

Mullets, prison, guns, derp.


13/03/14 The Stepford Children (1987)

Teenagers with wide hair confuse some replicant organobots by playing some wild pop music.

As there's no promo poster for this TV special, here's a picture of some UKIP members treating their wives to a day out:


12/03/14 Bad Country (2014)

In 1983 every man had creative  facial hair.

Matt Dillon plays a neo-nazi who one day decides he wants to be lovely.

Enjoyable crime stuff that could've done without the action film bits.
Probably about 7/10 or some shizzle.


Tuesday, 11 March 2014

11/03/14 Haunt (2013)

The world's most generic family move into the world's most average-ist haunted house and with the assistance of a neighbouring child talk to angry spirits via some spook-box/ghost C.B. type thing.


"Off to the dentist, I've got another one of those bungalow abscess things."


08/03/14 Pitch Black (2000)

Vin Diesel (real name Ribena Hybrid) plays Keith Riddick who can see in the dark and enjoys stabbing aliens.