Friday, 31 March 2017

12/04/17 Kong: Skull Island (2017)

A giant fucking monkey has a fight with some evolutionary impossibilities.

Anyway, this is shitey McShitewank, but definitely much better than the Peter Jackson fucking rubbish from a few years ago.



12/04/17 A field In England (2013)

Watched this again as so many people seem to think it's fucking brushed with magical, brilliant cocking amazingness...

But, no, it's actually just as shit as I remember. Fuck this wank.

I stand by my initial thoughts:



11/04/17 The Bye Bye Man (2017)

Starts off pretty good, a man goes on a murderous rampage whilst gibbering about something that cannot be spoken of.

Forty years later, some young people accidentally uncover what it is he didn't want to talk about.

Generic but fair enough.



10/04/17 Stratton (2017)

Based on a novel, directed by and starring people who do film things for a living and still manages to be screamingly piss-terrible.

Particular mention goes to Connie Nielson whose attempt at an upper class English accent is delivered in the style of someone who is still under heavy sedation after particularly invasive dental surgery. Truly terrible.


However, from a hilarity point of view, Miss Nielson kinda makes it worth a watch.



04/17 Groundhog Day (1993)

Podd watched this, I didn't. Although I have seen it. As has everyone.

Silly enough fun.


03/17 The Void (2016)

.Have you ever stayed awake at night thinking "I wish there was a Canadian film that was like a cross between Prince of Darkness, The Mist and Hellraiser"?

Well wish no more!

Er, that pretty much sums it up. It's not quite as good as any of those three, but it's a flippin' solid effort if you like your horror to be eerie, bloody and, er, horror-y.

Definitely worth a go.


03/17 Misfortune (2017)

Mini-budget crime flick that tries hard and mostly succeeds.


03/17 The Bigfoot Project (2017)

Mockumentary about a group of nerdish, socially inept film makers looking for bigfoot in the woods.

Well, obviously, you don't go looking for them in an airport or something.

Anyway, it's rather unpolished, but it did make me laugh much more than I thought it would, so, yeah, not too bad. Served its purpose.


03/17 Peelers (2016)

.Some reviews have said this is a bit of a future cult favourite due to blah, blah, blah, blah.



03/17 Traded (2016)

TV film style western. Man goes to Dodge City to right some wrongs. Gun fights. Fist fights. Shooting. Horses. All that stuff.


03/17 The Rift (2016)

.Cheap, generic, forgettable horror/sci-fi effort. Can't even remember how it ended or if I was still watching when it did.

03/17 Bloodrunners

Vampire film. With its prohibition era setting and nice period details, this is almost good. Sadly, it's boring boringy-ness kinda ruins it.


03/17 The Stakelander (2016)

The first one, Stakeland, is very good, this one not so much. Not terrible or anything, just doesn't have the bleak, washed out sense of hopelessness that the first did.

Blimey, films are a funny thing. You couldn't ever use 'bleak, washed out sense of hopelessness' as a positive in a review many other things:

A restaurant. 'The moribund potatoes were a delight'

A creche. 'The sense of forlorn loss on the faces of the children present was greatly entertaining'

A massage parlour. 'Concluding with a very unhappy ending. Five stars'

A holiday camp. 'Vorhees was nothing if not attentive, ensuring that each attendee was run through with the machete at least once per day'


03/17 Ibiza Undead (2017)

.I wanted to like this as, apparently, it was made for little more than pocket money and asking people nicely.

It was pretty tepid though.

There, see, I can be polite.


03/17 Altitude (2017)

.Pretty sure the poster tells you everything you need to decide for yourself if you wanna see this.

03/17 Rogue One (2016)

.History Channel documentary about World War Space.

03/17 Dusk (2015)

.A chap wakes up to find his wife has disappeared. He receives a recorded message telling him what he must do if he wants to see the ol' trouble 'n' strife again.

And so he begins his quest to find her.

I can't say too much about this as the entire plot balances on a twist that is both an entire warehouse of nonsense, but also kinda excellent. We both assumed it'd be something very different right up until the big reveal.

Yes, definitely a great twist but you not only have to suspend disbelief you have to place it in a lead box and throw it into a lake to accept it.

When the film finished we said "That was somehow really good and totally bollocks at the same time."

Dunno, have a watch, decide for yourself.


03/07 The Night Watchmen (2017)

.Cheap, silly and fun vampire film very similar in content and style to (the also very enjoyable) Bloodsucking Bastards.
If you liked that, you'll like this.

If you haven't seen either, but think you'll enjoy a low budget film about vampires attacking an office building, both are worth a go.

Although you might think they're both shite. I dunno, I'm not you.


03/07 Cut To The Chase (2016)

.A guy looks for his missing sister. The sorta film Channel 5 used to put on at 9pm on a weekday. 

03/17 Ghosts Of Darkness (2017)

.A low budget Brit spooker about a pair of paranormal investigators (one a psychic/medium believer, the other a sciencey sceptic) who are offered an arseload of wedge to stay in a haunted house for a few days and try and explain the long list of eerie mishaps that have occurred in the place to the various owners over the centuries.

It's a bit ropey, the pacing's slack, some of the dialogue is weak and it shows it's lack of budget, however it has some good moments, the performances are mostly OK, Paul Flannery is especially entertaining as the psychic, and some of the effects are fun and I've seen much worse that cost a lot more.