Tuesday, 29 July 2014

28/07/14 The Signal (2007)

The film called The Signal that isn't the one we watched on Saturday. It's a different one about angry zombie type people. Sort of.

Pretty good.



28/07/14 Chain Of Fools (2000)

One of those films that seemed to appear every other day for a few years where disparate, slightly quirky people, all unintentionally become involved in a crime of some sort, resulting in the separate threads all coming together at the end.




27/07/14 Snowpiercer (2013)

Why the fuck is this getting such a critical titwank? It's an unlikely, poorly acted, shite looking mess of a a film that is meant to be a big metaphor about the elite keeping us in a state of fearful servitude. As true as that may be, I've seen braver political statements in episodes of Emmerdale.

Two hour pint of piss.



26/07/14 The Town (2010)

Ben Affleck's cover version of Heat. Actors love pretending to be working class folk, don't they. Good though.



26/07/14 The Signal (2014)

Great looking Sci-Fi flick with plot holes big enough to run through on bionic legs.



26/07/14 Joy Ride 3 (2014)

Not released yet, but it's on the 'net. Probably great if you enjoy watching unconvincing idiots get killed by a magical van driver.

Something or other/10


Monday, 28 July 2014

25/07/14 The Giant Claw (1957)

Very silly.

I wonder what other films came out in 1957? Doesn't matter, this is easily the best one about a massive ostrich thing.


I actually have a similar hairstyle.

"Fishfingers. I didn't eat the peas though. They make your poo green."

That's probably YouTube or something back then.

"I'm Cloverfield's nan."


25/07/14 Chrysalis (2014)

Miserableak zombie effort. Shows promise but is hindered by its budget.


A good '5' though. In a bleak kinda way.


24/07/14 Carnival Of Souls (1962)

Lady moves to a small town after getting in a car crash. Plays the piano. Pale folk are watching.

Almost once forgotten, now much loved vintage spooker. Possibly not as deserving of the adoration as some would think, but definitely fun and some scenes still have an off-kilter eeriness. Is that spelt correctly? Fucking Windows spell check is stuck on the cocking Yank version.


"Yeah, 'bout this long. And that was on the flop!"

"I hear you was sitting next to another man earlier?"
"Fuck off, Gary. You David Cameron-looking cock."

"Mighty good looking fence you got here, Ezra."
"Yeah, reminds me of my sisterwife."

Seriously, look at the pipes on this organ! Hit more than two keys and you might split time or something.

"I am freakishly happy. I am going out to crash my car for the fun of it."


Bit like getting on the 157 bus between Sutton and Croydon.

"Madam, may I interest you in a spot of dogging?"
"Yelp! ...Er..."
"Time is of the essence, M'lady, nearly at the vinegar strokes."


23/07/14 Deadheads (2011)

Zombie comedy film that was more enjoyable than I remembered.  The novelty of this one is that the two leads are zombies, but they're special ones who can still talk and make pop-culture references.


23/07/14 All Cheerleaders Die (2013)

Imagine a cross between Heathers and The Craft. But a bit rubbish.



22/07/14 The Prophecy 2 (1998)

The first Prophecy film is a greatly overlooked horror gem.  The second one's a boring load of bum. Watch the first.



22/07/14 X-Men (2000)

On TV again. Watched it again.


If I was an X-Man I'd want my power to be the ability to stop Marvel and all those other fuckers making so many tedious, lazy, predictable, bollocks super hero films. Sick of them now.

Unless there's a comic called Bum Man about an arse who fires lasers of justice from it's puckered ring of righteousness. That'd probably worth seeing.

The sequel would be shit though. Some young, cap wearing director twat would big it up pre-release by saying it's much 'darker' than the first. It wouldn't be. At all. It'd be another 100 minute toy advert. Just like they all are.

Pah! They can put it all up their bollocks.


22/07/14 Starred Up (2013)

Fallen into the bad habit of saving all the films we've watched then updating this weekly.  Have to sort that out, especially as we've watched a bumload of stuff lately.

Anyway, Starred Up is a British prison film where lots of people get punched. Suffers from a few of the usual jail flick cliches, but it's very solid and Jack O'Connell is flippin' gifted as an actor.



Tuesday, 22 July 2014

21/07/14 City Of The Living Dead (1980)

People who wank on about how great Lucio Fuchi films are should put down their copy of Fangoria and actually watch one.

Too tired to blather on about this, but it was the usual combination of people who couldn't act their way out of bed and gore effects that look like dropped pasta.



Look at that bald, one eyed bumlord. Twat.


21/07/14 The Battery (2012)

Low budget, well acted, amusingly scripted zombie flick with a much funnier wanking scene than you'd expect from a film of this type.

Occasionally wobbles on the hipster/indie line but never falls off. Definitely one of the better zombie films you'll see for a while.



21/07/14 Transcendence (2014)

A woman's married to Johnny Depp, he dies a bit, but it's OK as she manages to downloaded him onto a laptop. Wife and PixelDepp move to the desert to build a really, really big computer and create magic digital insects.

Was done much better a year or two ago in an episode of Black Mirror.



20/07/14 Primal Rage (1988)

A research lab where an ape has been infected with a rage virus gets broken into, anger-monkey bites a guy who spreads the virus around some humans.

15 years later it was done much, much better in 28 days later.

The main guy is some sweater wearing, bouncy, white-toothed hybrid of Rob Lowe and Cliff Richard. Within seconds of looking at him I wanted to knee him in the head. He rides around on a bright red moped and looks like a right dick while he does so. Sadly, no furious primates tear his flesh off and wear his face as a hat.

Probably a great fella in real life though.



20/07/14 The Horror Vault (2008)

Nine separate short flicks. All of them filmed using a potato.

Total mess of a portmanteau effort that, fucking somehow, has got a few good reviews online. I'm guessing it was in the cast/crew napkin contracts to big it up online.



Monday, 21 July 2014


This bit will be filled in tomorrow (22/07/14)

Bet you can't wait an shizzle.

25/07/14... Aah, maybe not.

20/07/14 Coven (2000)

The budget of this film wouldn't even fill a basket in the pound shop. It's badly acted (apart from the guy talking about 'reaching the low point of life', he's kinda good in that scene), terribly filmed -in every sense, the camera appears to be some form of pin-hole/biscuit tin arrangement- incoherently plotted and, yet, somehow still more enjoyable than so much of the thundering mud biscuits I've seen lately.

There's a documentary about the making of this that actually received a legitimate audience, won awards and turned the awkward looking writer/director/star into an actual film person. I'm gonna have a search for that.



20/07/14 Tu£sday (2007)

T£rrible British film about thr££ groups of diff£r£nt p£opl£ who d£cid£ to rob a bank.

slow moving, w£akly act£d shit.

Phillip Gl£nnist£r is a fack-awful ham in £v£rything h£ acts in.


P£...Oh, get fucked. Perkin.

19/07/14 Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)

Good hearted nonsense that doesn't feel like it should be 25 years old.

Also, this is worth a quick chuckle:




19/07/14 Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (2011)

Watched this on a HD channel, made all the monkeys look really cartoonish. 

I quite like the big fight at the end when the apes finally say to the humans "Right, you cunts, you've pushed it too far, have some of this!" And biff the fuck out of everyone.

Much how I feel every day at work. 

Much how everyone feels at work in the real world. 


Poster written in Chimp Font.


19/07/14 Death Of A Ghosthunter (2007)

Woman investigates a haunted house. Ends up dying. Saved you the trouble.


"Not now! BabyHulk is watching us!"


18/07/14 Staten Island (2009)

Bin man robs a mob boss so he can pay for his wife to have a super baby. It all goes bollock shaped.

Normally does in such films, eh?

Made by Sir Edward Generic of Generic Towers.


Perkin O'Generico.

17/07/14 The Raid (2011)

Shooty, shooty, punch, kick, slicey-slice.



17/07/14 Deep End (1970)

Set in London, filmed in Germany, directed by a Polish guy. People confuse the culturally discordant mess that results as some kind of magical artistic gem. When, in fact, it's a load of confused ballsack.

Think that's the first time I've ever used the word 'discordant'. So you can consider yourself lucky that:

A: You've just shared that special moment with me.

B: You probably didn't stay up 'til 3am watching this fucking splash like I did.

The film stars Jane Asher who, until now, I'd only ever been vaguely aware of as some bony-faced, Beatle fondling cake-lady who was famous forty years ago. Have to admit, she was stunningly good looking back then.



Tuesday, 15 July 2014

15/07/14 7 Days (2010)

Powerful, bleak, superbly acted film from the French bit of Canada. 

An eight-year-old girl is kidnapped, raped and murdered. Her dad gets hold of the man who is suspected of doing it and tortures -literally- the shit out of him. 

Told you it was bleak. 

It's an excellent film, but very hard to define as 'entertainment'.

Having said all that, I noticed with great amusement that the woman who plays the mother of the victim is called Fanny Mallette.

Awesome name. I wish she would bring out a range of BDSM dungeon tools, Fanny Mallette's fanny mallet. Jefferey Pummeledshaft's Penis Anvils. Etc.



15/07/14 Hooligan (2012)

A documentary about football enthusiasts that could equally be titled "A History Of Cunts".

Never realised it was quite that bad in Argentina. The level of official corruption in Italy was as expected though.

The best line, whilst some jug-eared, knuckle dragging, mouth-breathing tracksuit wearing inbred arsehole is being interviewed and he describes how, when in France, he couldn't get a hotel room due to the foreign perceptions of English fans:

"They looked at us like we were the Devil. No, worse than that, the paedophile Devil."

Anyway, if you enjoy watching grainy security camera footage of  fat 40yr old men punching each other, this is probably interesting, otherwise it's a cheaply made tonally uncertain load of wank that can't decide if champions or condemns the actions of fuckwits.


They forgot "Wankers"


15/07/14 Army Of The Damned (2013)

Only watched this about five hours ago, and I'd already forgotten what it was about. Thankfully not an indication of early senility, just a reflection of how engrossing this film was.

Some reality TV show follows some copperplods into a house with noisy inhabitants, there's some dead people and  some weird kid. Bad acting, some zombies, finally ends. Shite.


Not even as good as that ridiculous poster suggests.


Sunday, 13 July 2014

13/07/14 A Perfect Getaway (2009)

Some people get murdered on an island, by golly! Who can the baddies be?


11/07/14 Blue Ruin (2013)

Written enough today, read the other reviews about this, the ones written by people who pretend films are actually important.

Anyway, this is bloody excellent!



10/07/14 Sabotage (2014)

67yr old Arnold Shwazenegger's  comeback continues to dribble weakly out of Hollywood like piss from a pensioner's trouser leg.

Everyone perform's terribly and the twist is shite. Deserves to be lost and forgotten, like an old man's buspass gathering dust behind a sofa.



08/07/14 The Terminator (1984)

I've seen this a bagillion times before, but this was the first time I'd seen it on Blu-Ray. So it was the same film, but lovely and shiny.



08/07/14 Gangster Squad (2013)

For some reason, this got critically shafted when there's far worse films that get an opinion-wank. Ah well, I quite enjoyed it in a disposable way.


Ryan Gosling can fuck off though. We think he's shit.


07/07/14 Hard To Kill (1990)

You ever seen Raging Bull? Probably. You know how to show the different phases of a mans life stretching over two or three decades Robert DeNiro put himself through an incredibly punishing training regime so that his physique and skills were entirely convincing as a world champion boxer, followed by the binge dieting that assaulted his health and turned him into a grotesque, bloated lump?


Now, I hate tedious luvvie wank where people big-up 'The Craft' or describe acting as art, it's not, it's people pretending to be other people and getting money for it, however, good acting is impressive and DeNiro's above example is unarguably an admirable commitment to a role.

So, with all that in mind, how do you think Steven Seagal, one of enternity's finest actors, uses his near limitless tool set of acting skills to convey the fact that he has just woken from a seven year coma? Surely not just look a bit confused and wear a shit fake beard?


Oh well. Anyway, Stevey plays some copperplod with an unlikely name, Mirribelle Bumcake or something similar, and he takes some pictures of some bad guys, his wife gets killed, he has a nap for seven years, then he biffs some baddies and it ends.


His face looks odd and smooth. Like the tip of a penis.