07/07/14 Hard To Kill (1990)

You ever seen Raging Bull? Probably. You know how to show the different phases of a mans life stretching over two or three decades Robert DeNiro put himself through an incredibly punishing training regime so that his physique and skills were entirely convincing as a world champion boxer, followed by the binge dieting that assaulted his health and turned him into a grotesque, bloated lump?

This:

Now, I hate tedious luvvie wank where people big-up 'The Craft' or describe acting as art, it's not, it's people pretending to be other people and getting money for it, however, good acting is impressive and DeNiro's above example is unarguably an admirable commitment to a role.

So, with all that in mind, how do you think Steven Seagal, one of enternity's finest actors, uses his near limitless tool set of acting skills to convey the fact that he has just woken from a seven year coma? Surely not just look a bit confused and wear a shit fake beard?

Oh.

Oh well. Anyway, Stevey plays some copperplod with an unlikely name, Mirribelle Bumcake or something similar, and he takes some pictures of some bad guys, his wife gets killed, he has a nap for seven years, then he biffs some baddies and it ends.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099739/

2/10

His face looks odd and smooth. Like the tip of a penis.

Perkin.

25/05/14 Joe (2013)

Wigolas Cage plays a man called Joe. He has a beard. He was once in jail for accidentally shooting a copperplod in the knee.

"Shot through the knee, and you're to blame. Darling, you give films a bad name."

Anyway, the film's being praised up as a modern masterpiece when all I saw was a pretentious, terribly lit, predictable, badly acted heap o' shite.

The young kid acts well, as does the guy who plays his dad. Gary Poulter, the dad, he had an interesting, difficult life. After making this film he went back to being homeless then died in a puddle. Shame.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2382396/
2.5/10

05/03/14 Nightmare City (1980)

A man with a beard goes to an airport. A plane lands and lots of portly zombies in suits get off the plane and start whacking people with sticks.

It's Italian.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080931/
4/10 or possibly loads more if you're pissed/in the mood for utter ballsack viewing.

"Hands up if you're embarrassed"

Hello.

"Any chance of a lift?"

"Yes, mate. Jump on, I'll drop you at Tesco."

"The name's Mud, Cedric Mud."

Boris Johnson. Total cunt.

"Look, Gary! It's the 'Shop of Yellow Things' where I bought this jacket."

"Miriam, shut up and get in the jeep before these fuckers wake up from their road siesta."

Perkin.

07/09/13 Phobia (2013)

A lady psychologist in 1880's California puts on a wig and goes to a house. Other people turn up and talk about things they're afraid of. Turns out there might be a vampire or something. When she's wearing the wig, she really, really looks like Christopher Walken.

Turns out I'd probably shag Christopher Walken.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2075280/
6/10

Christopher Walken

Christine Walken

"That's correct! In one hundred years, they'll invent comfortable clothes!"

""Bitch! Talk to the hand, 'cos the nan-face ain't listening."

Seriously! Look at this beard! It's like the shit that used to be painted onto the Action Men of the '70s. Terrible.

See!

Perkin.

06/07/12 Dawn Rider (2012)

There are  no characters called Dawn. That was the first disapointment, the second was very average everything else. Donald Sutherland has a massive white beard in this, bit like Captain Birdseye.

That'll do.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2014202/
5/10

Perkin.

07/03/12 Urban Explorer (2011)

A small group of slim young folk go on an adventure in some tunnels underneath Berlin. One of 'em takes a tumble and gets hurt and the others are trying to get him out when they bump into a kindly old tunnel-dweller who offers to help. He turns out to be as mad as a sack of carrots and enjoys killing, cannibalism, growing a beard and peeling off young people's upper-body fleshskin like a splatty cardigan.

I done quite a lot of Urban Exploring in my twenties, although back then it didn't have a name and it was very rarely urban. Fucking hipsters. Point is, the worse we ever came across was crap graffitti and the occasional 'water damaged' bongo-mag. Hardly ever did we find any homicidal Germans.

Anyway, if you're the kind of arsewit who thinks the Saw films were good, this'll be right up your (abandoned) alley. Fnar.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1642665/

2/10

Watch this short film instead. It's rather sweet.

                                                                       Perkin.