Tuesday 31 May 2016

Crossing Point (2016)

Remember when Channel 5 first started, it'd put on a generic action film at 9pm every night that you'd never heard of before?
Bit like one of them.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3027716/
5.4/10

Perkin.

Captain America: Civil War (2016)

I streamed this at work. I think I might hate films now.

Perkin.

The Transporter Refueled (2015)

This film makes the Fast & Furious franchise look like Adam Curtis documentaries.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2938956/
2/10

Perkin.

Hard Tide (2015)

Small time crook finds himself looking after a child. If this was an American film, Adam Sandler or Ben Stiller would probably discover some sort of emotional loveliness and give up their criminal ways by the end. 
Thankfully it's British, so instead of that fluffy arse-wash, lots of people call each other 'Cunt!' in alleyways.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3116054/
Not too bad/10

Perkin.

Red Dawn (2012)

Due to a shortage of John Deere baseball caps and cowboy boots, North Korea decides to invade rural America.
Mirroring the sweat-shop practices of their Far East invaders, the American nation rely on children to fight back.


Have you ever seen the 1984 original? It's a terrible film, sometimes hilariously so. Out of all the films ever made with the title Red Dawn, it's still the better one.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1234719/
Oh, come on!/10

Perkin.

The Adderall Diaries (2015)

Twat writes books for a living. Works out he's a twat and the world doesn't revolve around him. Becomes bit less of a twat. But still a twat.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1735907/
5.5/10

Perkin.

The Witch (2015)

Think we somehow managed to miss this off last month's 'Plops.

Anyway, in the olden days, some northern people move to America and bicker a lot about the bible and goats. Thankfully some people from modern times were there to film it.


Think that's how it works.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4263482/
4/10

Perkin.

Jobs (2013)

Film about a polo-necked trinket-pimp who managed to convince the world small plastic items are important.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2357129/
6.5/!0 (According to Podd. I didn't watch it. Apple wankers.)

Perkin.

X Moor (2014)

Shite.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3293138/


Perkin.

All Mistakes Buried (2015)

Ever wanted to watch a film about society's bottom feeders breaking each others spirits and bones? Bingo!


Actually not too bad, if drab, and, surprisingly, I didn't see the twist coming. Here's five more commas: ,,,,,

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3040216/
6.7/10

Perkin.

X-Men: First Class (2011)

In case you were worried, there's another 58 films based on fucking comics coming out this weekend. Phew.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1270798/
5.95/10

Perkin

The Fall Of The Krays (2016)

Two gay men in suits have fights


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4061908/
2/10

Perkin,

Thursday 12 May 2016

11/05/16 Omen IV: The Awakening (1991)

blah, blah, blah, blah, shite.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102585/
2.5/10

Perkin.

10/05/16 Jane Got A Gun (2016)

Well acted but very dull western with the reliably yawnsome Natalie Portman and now-has-to-be-in-every-fucking-film rumple-faced dullard Joel Edgerton.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2140037/
6.4/10

Perkin.

10/05/16 I Am Wrath (2016)

John Travolta plays a chap who looks much like a strange hybrid of daytime telly dickwit Nick Knowles and one of the Tweenies, in a wig:


+

=




Anyway, after his wife gets murdered, he goes after the people responsible, all the way from the lowly street thugs (facial tattoos, drink from bottles) to bent cops (unshaven, crooked tie, hip flask) and finally a corrupt politician (cufflinks, constantly drinking whisky with ice in a nice glass) and all levels of mid-rank goonery between them.


Travolta is backed up by loyal sidekick played by Christopher Meloni who not only out acts him, but is far, far more credible in the action scenes. With the roles reversed, this coulda been a half decent pile of action nonsense, as it is, it's fairly poo.

Very poo, actually.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3212232/
3/10

Perkin.

Jaws (1975)

Hungry fish eats people forty years ago. Little known upon release, it has since faded into complete obscurity.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073195/
Fish/10

Perkin.

Debug (2014)

Tries to be like an updated version of Event Horizon. Fails miserably.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2769184/
3/10

Perkin.

Term Life (2016)

Vince Vaughn plays a man with hair so bad I suspect he is of Somerset ancestry. Forgettable dullness. 

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2978102/
3/10

Perkin.

The Hatching (2014)

An alligator is swimming around in Somerset killing people with terrible, terrible hair. Possibly as a reaction to their woeful acting.

Justin Lee Collins plays one of the characters, thank fuck this will almost certainly be one of the last things he does that we can all forget about.
What a cunt.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2938464/
3/10

Perkin.

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

Woman crashes her car then wakes up in a bunker whilst an unspecified event has turned the world bollock shaped outside.

Or has it?

Perhaps the guy who owns the bunker is a bit of a wrong 'un and just wants to keep a lady in a bunker.

Watch the film and find out.


Not really anything to do with Cloverfield, which is good as this is definitely the better film.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179933/
7.7/10

Perkin.

Special Correspondents (2016)

Comedy with bits that are occasionally funny. If you have a stronger tolerance of Ricky Gervais than me, you'll probably enjoy it more than I did.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4181052/
6.7/10

Perkin.

Precious Cargo (2016)

This was so generic I've forgotten almost everything about it. I dunno, guns, punching, probably a car chase and someone who lives in a flat with an impressive view of a city skyline.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4651410/
1/10

Perkin.

Hail, Caesar! (2016)

The Cohen brothers' films are like watching 100 minutes of concentrated Guardian articles. Not the good ones, where they do actual journalism, but the old shite where some ponce babbles on for five hundred words about how a new brand of ethical wristwatch offers the wearer a connection with Inuit tribes or some bollocks.

As in any outwardly good intentions are lost in the fog of self-satisfaction and lofty smugness.

So, yeah, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch Zombie Tit-Robots 2 or whatever bollocks we sit through.


Found our level. Shut up.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0475290/
3.5/10

Perkin.

High-Rise (2015)

This is based on a book. I assume the book takes far too long to read, gets boring half way through and disappears up its own arse near the end as well.

4/10

Perkin.

Eddie The Eagle (2016)

By the end of this film you'll believe a man who looks like a massive paedo can fly!!!


And then fall over when he lands.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1083452/
7/10

Perkin.

An American Werewolf In London (1981)

Film about a hirsute young fellow visiting Europe. Jolly good.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082010/
10/10

Perkin.

Cassidy Way (2016)

Some young folk making a documentary get more than they bargained for when some guy locks them in his basement and starts getting murdery after he mistakes them for employees of the local Evilcorp who killed his kid ten years before.


With a better script, this could've been half decent as the acting and production values are up to par and whatnot, but it substitutes the nuance it needs with tedious torture porn bollocks instead. Ho hum.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3294664/
4.4/10

Perkin.

London Has Fallen (2016)

Never saw the first one about the White House falling, although if it was as bad as this fucking dog's egg, I'm not missing much.


Didn't need to fuck with Battersea Bridge though, that's taking the piss.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3300542/
2.5/10

Perkin