Saturday, 31 January 2015

31/01/15 Suburban Gothic (2014)

Ooh! How quirky!

In a tiresomely intentional way.

And a bit shit.

Couple of chuckles though.

Bit like life, that; bit shit but a couple of chuckles.

The chuckles are the important part though.


31/01/15 Wild Card (2015)

Not yet released but possibly able to view on streaming sites.

Jason Statham's hair and beard are trimmed to exactly the same length these days, meaning he has reached the stubble equinox. His entire face could rotate 180 degrees and he would look pretty much the same.

Anyway, in this film he plays a gruff man who punches people. Unusual direction for him.

Dialogue highlights include him claiming "I'm nearly 40" and describing himself as "S for special".

Special indeed.


30/01/2015 Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

We originally saw this when it first came out with low expectations but it turned out to be more enjoyable than anticipated (but that's no excuse for a sequel).  The casting of the young John Cusack is spot on and just how he looked back in The Sure Thing days.

Still pretty entertaining and better than the terrible and overrated Hangover and Bridesmaids films.



30/01/2015 Everly (2014)

Salma Hayek fights off various assassins in a building.

Seemingly written by a 12 year old boy as the first few scenes involve good looking scantily clad women toting guns trying to shoot each other before further good looking scantily clad women toting guns arrive to try to shoot each other before assorted goons and bad guys then turn up to have a go. That's all very well but it's dull to watch and extremely unlikely.  Apparently ongoing bursts of gunfire and explosions in a building which is presumably in a city is no cause for the police to arrive.

Hayek's boobs and a pink bear cuddly toy are the best things in it.

Boobs 10/10  Bear 10/10  Film 2/10


30/01/2015 Haunting Of Cellblock 11 (2014)

And not Cellblock H as I nearly typed.

Low budget spook investigation film (yes, another one) which is a pretty decent effort. Loses pace a little towards the end but the acting is better than usual for such a film. Pity they appeared to use Windows Paint for some of the CGI effects.  The main guy looks amusingly like Roman Abramovich.


"Coo-eee ghosts, I'm over here"


Friday, 30 January 2015

29/01/15 Toxin (2015)

I am to football what Vinnie Jones is to acting.


28/01/15 Evil Aliens (2005)

I like my films how I like my women; cheap, short and based in Wales.


Wednesday, 28 January 2015

28/01/2015 The Last Man(s) On Earth (2012)

Expectations were low for an idea which started on YouTube but it turned out to be good silly fun and not take itself seriously. Two friends save the world from certain destruction when a zombie virus breaks out.



27/01/2015 Shakes The Clown (1991)

Bobcat Goldthwait's first time writing and directing a film. Can see why he left it 15 years before trying again as imagine it got a few tepid reviews.  Plenty of people like it on IMDb though so perhaps it's just us who were underwhelmed.  Closer in quality to the later Police Academy instalments than Goldthwait's recent films and stand up.



Monday, 26 January 2015

26/01/15 Wolves (2014)

Teenager develops strange hairs.

Puberty, eh?

Also, he's a werewolf.

Not half as terrible as I was expecting. Rare thing, a teenage horror film that's worth seeing. If you're in the mood for such twaddle.

26/01/15 Bitter Lake (2015)

Adam Curtis' latest. As ever, it's superb.

There ya go, go and watch it.

For anyone who's not in the UK, I think it's already on YouTube.


25/01/15 Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows (2011)

If I invented a a product called 'Smug', Robert Downey Junior would almost definitely be the face of it.

Anyway, film's pretty good fun, but Guy Ritchie seriously needs to ease up on the slow-mo camera-wankery. It's not a signature style, it's just shit. You plastic cockney ponce.


25/01/15 The Ouija Resurrection (2015)

Budget sourced from under the cushions of a sofa. The actors try their best. It's not very good, but fun enough and there's much worse out there.


25/01/15 American Heist (2014)

Having seen Predators, The Village and now this, I have reached the conclusion that Adrien Brody has the acting ability of a clockwork child.

Specifically one that's never been to clockwork child acting classes.

Film was shite.

Faces? There's one I'd never tire of slapping.


25/01/15 Superman (1978)

What I said last time still stands.

If anyone from the Marvel film side of things reads this, this is how you make a super hero film, you floppy fuckin' bollock.


24/01/15 Ex Machina (2015)

This is an absolute cracker of a film, it does everything well, has moments of near brilliance. It's engaging, exciting, intelligent and visually exceptional.

However, me being me, my main thoughts were how much I'd like to do a full-on nudey-time with one of the sexy flesh-bots. 

She can tug my hard drive anytime.

Anyway, yeah, the film is flippin' fantastic. As my brother said when we came out of the cinema, it's reminiscent of the better Sci-Fi of the '70s; small cast, dialogue driven, thoughtful and with a sense of escalating paranoia. 

Comparible, but better than, 2013's (also excellent) The Machine.

Early to make such statements, but this is definitely one of the films of the year.


Saturday, 24 January 2015

24/01/2015 Carry On Loving (1970)

It's Saturday afternoon, must be time for another Carry On film.  Not one of the better ones.



23/01/2015 Ejecta (2014)

Film about an odd looking fellow who had previously encountered aliens and he knows (and unfortunately shady military types somehow know too) that they are coming back.



21/01/2015 Altar (2014)

Shown on TV as "The Haunting of Radcliffe House" or "Another Film Where A Family Move To A Sinister Stately Home With A Dubious History In A Village Where People Hate Strangers And Somebody Sees Something Spooky And Somebody Else Goes Mental And Olivia Williams Has A Terrible Haircut".  For some reason they thought "Altar" was a snappier title.


Awful haircut not as apparent as in the film


20/01/2015 Frontera (2014)

Perkin watched this, I didn't see it. He said it was good in a wordy ponderous way and Eva Longoria looked hot.  I think the poster looks a bit Brokeback Mountain.



20/01/2015 Kick (2014)

An amateur football team played by very amateur actors sneak into a stadium to play football. Two idiots get left behind and get stalked by a mystery killer who turns out to be some old dude. 



A pictorial representation of how entertaining this film is
(and also because no film poster seems to be available which says a lot)


19/01/2015 The Scarehouse (2014)

Tepid revenge horror where two college girls get revenge over their classmates in unlikely ways.



18/01/2015 Asmodexia (2014)

Spanish film about an exorcist. We had some rebellious subtitles which kept going out of synch which didn't help.



18/01/2015 Live & Let Die (1973)

Roger Moore suavely eyebrows his way through another Bond film and Paul McCartney writes his last solo song worth listening to without assistance from John Lennon or animated frogs.



18/01/2015 Carry On Dick (1974)

Everything you would expect in a film with a character called Sergeant Jock Strapp although it's not as good as other films in the series.



Saturday, 17 January 2015

17/01/15 Dark Summer (2014)

Young fellow is haunted by the ghost of a girl he used to stalk. Tries to defeat her with the internet.

Better than that sounds.


16/01/15 Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)

Gizmo is ace!

Rest of the film's a bit bumular.


16/01/15 The Imitation Game (2014)

Germany may be a nation of sausage eaters, but it only took one of ours to outsmart them.


16/01/15 Vice (2015)

A dull remake of Westworld which is like spending 90 minutes eating a beige flavoured cake.

Thomas Jane, aside from his appearance in the fantastic family comedy 'The Mist', seems to be a magnet for tedium.


16/01/15 American Sniper (2014)

In his review of this, Mark Kermode said he didn't believe this film was a straight forward celebration of flag-waving military worship and it has subtlety and nuances.

I must've watched a different film then.

Certainly not my definition of a fucking hero and the film itself is surprisingly dull.


15/01/15 The Borderlands (2013)

Mini-budget, found footage spooker about a pair of priests and a tech nerd investigating a church in Devon where some curious rum-buggery has been going on.

Yeah, the found footage thing has been over done, and yeah we're probably some of the few remaining enthusiasts for it, but I promise this one is very good. Some parts are creepy as balls and the humourous dialogue from the tech nerd is well played.

The end's a bit 'eh?', though.

Seemingly retitled Final Prayer to sell it to the Yanks who would probably get a little worried it's a film about Canadians or Mexicans.


14/01/15 Black Mirror: White Christmas (2014)

Film length so I'll include it.

Very well acted, but the Black Mirror thing of 'Ooh! Isn't the near future and our loss of free thought/E-slavery scary!' is getting a bit repetitive and bollocks. I'm quite a Charlie Brooker fan, his various 'Wipes have been some of the best TV of recent years, but I hope this show expands a little.


12/01/15 Preservation (2014)

Two brothers and a ladywoman go camping. They get picked off by teenagers in masks.

I think it tries to make a comment about how today's youth are increasingly detached from the emotional and physical results of their actions as their reality has been shaped by YouTube, Call of Duty and emojis in place of genuine, tangible bonding experiences. Not sure it succeeds, but it's not a bad effort and the camera work is very good.


11/01/15 John Wick (2014)

If you're reading this you're probably one of the few people who don't get shot in the head in this film.

Although obviously films are silly pretendy world, so you'd probably be alright anyway.

As Podd put it so well, a film for those who found Taken too challenging.


Sunday, 11 January 2015

11/01/15 The Gambler (2014)

Marky Mark plays a dislikeable  wanker for two hours. No Funky Bunch.

Were they called that?


Good enough film, just hard to give a mouse's wank for anyone on screen.


10/01/15 The Atticus Institute (2015)

Not yet released, but uploaded to a few cheeky streaming sites. Film about a possession case that sinister government types decide to get involved in a try and weaponise. All goes to anus in the usual spooky ways.

Yeah, not bad. Dull in parts, but solid and well acted. Worth a look if the unlikely twaddle above tickles your interest nub.


10/01/15 Time Lapse (2014)

Film about a big magic camera.

Plot holes include people not understanding how windows work and very silly choices being made.


09/01/15 Pet Semetary 2 (1992)

Made when '90s films still looked like '80s films and that boy from The Terminator film still looked like an angular child rather than a circular lady.


08/01/15 The Car (1977)

Silly old toilet about an evil car that chases uncertain actors around a small town. Far more entertaining than it should be.

Seize the day!!!
Or, as I like to say, grip the horn!

Rapunzel, throw down your... Oh, nevermind.

The Car was played by Timothy Dalton.
No, not that one, a different Timothy Dalton. Don't be silly, you can clearly see it's not the James Bond Dalton.

"Here's that big picture of my clopper you asked for"
"Lovely, I'll hang it in the kitchen."


08/01/15 Goal Of The Dead (2014)

Watched this online. It's a French film that didn't have subtitles, so I'm going to write my review and put it through an online translator:

Agréable film de zombies français au sujet d'un match de football qui va tout à fait bollock - forme lorsque certains rage - Intelligents de stéroïdes amélioré tournent et commencent à tourner après-midi de tout le monde pour se branler .

Même si je suis ici, je me demande ce que la traduction française de " , fist anal vigoureuse rapide» est ?

Cheers, ta ta , guvnor .


07/01/15 Shaun Of The Dead (2004)

I actually like this film less every time I see it. Can't really define why, I've always thought the jokes dried up after the first hour, but watching it the other night it was more of a chore than I thought it would be. Still, it finished at about 2am on whatever '+1' channel I was watching, so what else would I do at that time of night? Probably build a shed or something.


07/01/15 What We Do In The Shadows (2014)

Mockumentary about four vampires flat sharing. Worthy of the good reviews, very enjoyable and funny.
New Zealand film so I was very disappointed by the lack of vampire koalas and stuff.


07/01/15 The Last Outlaw (1993)

Western film that involves riding horses, drinking in saloons and shooting pistols. How unusual!


06/01/15 Stage Fright (2014)

Not being a teenage girl, I've never watched the show 'Glee'. However I imagine this film is very similar to the show but with more people being stabbed in the head.

If you enjoy people singing, screaming mincery and occasional murder, this is for you.