Thursday, 31 May 2012

31/05/12 Safe (2012)

Jason Statham plays Nathan Marmalade, a mild tempered museum curator who one day stumbles upon a rare book that contains the legendary polystitch knitting patterns of Pomdoor. Upon completion of the patterns, he opens the gateway to the mystic kingdom of Thrumm where he befriends the unicorn Midloch and learns the meaning of true love.

Not really. He plays a stubbly puncher who spends 90 minutes slapping stuntmen.



31/05/12 Shock 'Em Dead (1991)

No idea why I have a copy of this. Upon watching it earlier, I was even more suprised to realise I'd seen it before back when it was new. At the time I thought this story of a talentless musician who makes a Faustian pact to recieve musical ability, fame and money was just a standard, low budget film.
Now I realise that it was created as a historical anthropological record of 1991 being the campest year in history. Below I present the photographic evidence:




31/05/12 Patriot Games (1992)

Indiana Solo goes on holiday to London and beats up the IRA because their accents are slipping.



Met Police: Street Dance division.

"Who's the woman sitting behind you?"
"She's not sitting, she's a midget."

"Yes. I have seen Indiana Jones 4" *Weeps softly*


30/05/12 Unforgiven (1992)

You've already seen this. You must have. Why else would you be reading an obscure excuse for a film list/review blog written by two tubby people if you haven't at least got a vague interest in films? Anyway, it's excellent.


That's the trailer. Remind yourself how good it is.


30/05/12 I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle (1990)

As someone on IMDB says, this is a film that doesn't care. I agree, it's completely rubbish but with some brilliantly groan-worthy dialogue and almost constant silliness. How can you not love a film that briefly features a talking shit?

Also, look at the title, what do you expect?

Told you.


30/05/12 War Of The Dead (2011)

Starts off as a standard war film, the biggish fight in the woods near the start is impressive for a film made for relatively low budget of *Dr. Evil voice* one million Euros.

Then *sigh* the zombie nazis turn up and it becomes the same film I've seen ten times in the last few years.


"I love war! Double high-five!"

To pass long car journeys in the 1940s, men used to stare at each others knobs.

Recent episodes of Changing Rooms have made some suprising decorating choices.

Candy floss! RUN!!!


Wednesday, 30 May 2012

30/05/12 The Pact (2012)

The mum of two sisters kicks the bucket so the siblings meet up at the funeral for the first time in a few years. They then go back to ma's house and get a bit drunk and fall asleep. The younger sister wakes up at 4am, goes for a piss then gets thrown around the house for a while by a ghost or angry invisible person. The older sister decides to disappear.

The film then becomes a very effective spooker for 70 minutes. It actually made me jump twice. It's well acted and keeps you interested. However the final ten minutes are a big letdown. Shame.

It's well worth seeing though if you enjoy a chill-flick. The main character is played by Caity Lotz who was in the enjoyable Death Valley TV show. In the film she rides a lovely vintage Honda and looks great in her pants.



Tuesday, 29 May 2012

29/05/12 Never Cry Werewolf (2008)

Slightly above average werewolf flick, although considering it was made for (I believe) the SyFy channel, it borders on an artistic masterpiece for their stuff.

This film gets compared to Fright Night, which is fair as it's essentially the same. But with werewolves instead of vampires. It's not as good as Fright Night though, that's ace.

Why do werewolves attack humans? It's not like they have to eat people. Can't they just wander off and nibble a cow, or think "Ooh, full moon tonight. I'll leave the pork chops on the side"?



29/05/12 The Dictator (2012)

If you've seen any of Baron Cohen's other films, you'll know what to expect. This one's done straight, without duped public idiots like his previous efforts. It's also much less 'risky' or liable to offend.



28/05/12 The Wicker Man (2006)

Yeah, everyone knows it's shite, and it is. But, unlike every other bastard in the world, we here at 'Plop Towers consider the original to be a massive fucking pile of room temprature wank.

Seriously, get off your fucking idiot-horse and watch it again with your eyes and brain. It's fucking terrible. Piss-poor shite about a grumpy virgin plod who fucks off to an island full of nutjobs and gets sentenced to death in a giant laundry basket by a dress wearing arsehole? Fucking rubbish! And Britt Ekland's great nude scene was a stunt arse, so even that was fake.

With that in mind, obviously a slick, high budget yank remake with Nicolas Cage -who peaked 19yrs ago in Red Rock West*, and now appears to be the main performer in a terrible Nicolas Cage tribute act- is gonna be fucking bumwash.

So shut up.

1/10 (Also applies to the original)

*Alright, maybe Con Air. Even 8MM was good. How many other mainstream, studio films can you think of that involved snuff porn and murderous gimps? Point is, aside from a brief blip with Lord Of War, Cage has been heading down the shitter for fucking ages.

And Maybe Bad Lieutenant.

Drive Angry was fun in parts, but that was entirely William Fitchner who done that. Odd faced, lizardy chap, but proper good in that film.

That's enough, be off with you.


Monday, 28 May 2012

28/05/12 The Hide (2008)

Very good mini-budget Brit film. Neil's dad from The Inbetweeners plays a stuffy, prissy amateur ornathologist slaphead who has set up camp in the birdwatching hide of the title, to await the arrival of some obscure winged idiot.

He's happy laying out his equipment with a compulsive neatness, eating a substantial packed lunch and talking to another twitcher over a CB radio. Assuming his chum has a comparable social skill set, their chosen handles of "Sexgod" and "Leviathon" are both amusing and somewhat telling of the small-man world they live in.

After twenty minutes or so, an unshaven, shady looking scouse chap turns up at the hide, claiming to be in need of shelter from the inclement weather. He is obviously troubled by something and seems reluctant to offer much of a story beyond that he was staying with a friend nearby and was out walking by the marshlands. With a working class accent and shabby manner he's the social opposite of Birdy. Why does he have a pistol, what is he hiding?

This is adapted from a play, performed for a few weeks in the upstairs of a pub, which explains the single set and cast of two. The acting is fantastic, the photography is good and although the ending can be fairly easily guessed at, it holds your interest all the way though. There's also a nice short 'making of' on the DVD.

Well worth a purchase.



Sunday, 27 May 2012

27/05/12 Meeting Evil (2012)

Very poor.



27/05/12 X Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Mega budget sequel to the sequel. The first two were good fun, popcorn crap done very well. This one's just tits. Still, Origins: Wolverine was even worse, that was defcon 1 on the bollocks threat scale.

Sometimes I like to think up really shit X men. Here's some I'm gonna make up as I type them.

X name / Power

Sausage / Everything he touches becomes cylindrical.
Screaming Cont / Can bend his body into the exact shape of any continent. It hurts so he screams.
Teablast / Can jet liquid excrement at a ballistic weaponry force.
Biege / Able to blend in seamlessly at any corporate event.
Woodchip / Can rapidly grow Bonsai trees from her tearducts.
Edward / Has a brick for a right hand. Good in a fight.
Pigeon / Is a pigeon.

That'll do.



26/05/12 Exit Humanity (2011)

Excellent zombie/western hybrid, or for the more alphabetically fussy western/zombie. The order doesn't really matter as the content is fairly equal, predominant over both is the (no joke) emotional core of the film, specifically the story of struggle and redemption that protagonist Edward Young endures.

Lots and lots of zombies get shot in the head, and numerous humans get bitten, but this is miles away from, and ahead of, the now very fucking tired zombie sub-genre. It's slow moving, has a reflective, sombre narration throughout (Brian Cox), it's very well shot, the acting's good and has some excellent stylistic touches, the animation scenes in particular work well.

If you're after some kinda Sunny Delight, brightly coloured, heavy metal, gung-ho slickfest, look elsewhere, there's lots of 'em around. This is something very different and all the better for it.



Saturday, 26 May 2012

25/05/12 Paganini Horror (1989)

This was directed by the guy who also done Sinbad Of The Seven Seas.

He's Italian.




                                                      "Me next!"
                                                       "Then me!"

                                           "My two hour gondola commute is a right wanker!"

                                               Sexo-Bot3000 is here to give you pleasure.

                                         "My name is Gwendoline Titmouth, I wear three shirts at a time!"

                                         Dear children of the internet. This was the '80s. They were shit.

                                                              Tracy Emin.


Friday, 25 May 2012

25/05/12 Safe House (2012)

,,,. zzz, wha?!...

Yes, South Africa! Tremendous landscape. Small man, very beady eyes. Ryan Washington. Tiny capsule, secreted about his person.

Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble.

SNAKE! Forearm tattoo, Well I obviously didn't ...


Neat tie, but very stern eyebrows. Mumble mumble.

I'm afraid it was very, very predictable.



Thursday, 24 May 2012

24/05/12 Incubus (1982)

Silly old tits about some people getting killed thirty years ago. Some great moustaches on show.


"Yo! Where dem biatches at? Let's get this party started!"

                                   "Mr Steven Hawkins? You're nicked, you slaaaag!"

"Going... down?" *Wink*


"Is he still there?"
"Yes officer, fucking weirdo"
"Good 'tache though"


23/05/12 Surrogates (2009)

Film set in the future where there's two Bruce Willis's (A pair of Willi?) One is a robot Bruce in a blonde wig, the other is a bald human bruce who stays at home. B.B. (Bald Bruce) is a cop who sends W.R.B. (Wiggy Robot Bruce) out to actually go to work and do all the cop stuff.

Fuckin' sweet sounding deal if you ask me! If I had a robot me, I'd get him to watch all these films whilst I didn't move and eventually become some kind of  Brundlemattress.

Would it count as gay if I got him to tug me off once in a while? Dunno. His hand might be a bit rubbery, so it'd probably feel like your being fondled by a terminator in Marigolds. Yeah, I'd probably still go to the effort of wanking for myself. Not much else though.

Oh yeah, the films alright.





23/05/12 Underground (2011)

Film about a bunch of disposable young cliches that end up in a bunker and get attacked by second rate knock-offs of The Descent's crawlers.

It's mostly shite, but the effects are almost entirely non-CGI and rather well done, so it gets a couple of points for that.



Monday, 21 May 2012

21/05/12 388 Arletta Avenue (2011)

Stalky camera instilations, missing wife, replacement cat, massively flawed, very boring.



21/05/12 Prime Evil (1989)

As I've still got a rubbish cold, we have a guest reviewer for this 'plop; Daniel Dyer.

Danny says: "In the old days, there was some pwoper nawty monks who worshipped Satan instead of Jesus and Mary. This geezer's china looks like a right lemon"                                        

Danny says: "The geezer on the floor had been takin' liberties, so the bloke wearing the West 'Am scarf has given him a dry slap."                                               

Danny says: "This bird's having a gypsies kiss whilst wearing lycra. A bit like one of those moody German films on the internet."                                                                                                

 Danny says: "This geezer's 'avin a quick sherman tank in his dressing gahn."

Fanks for reading everyone, I'm off aaht to 'ave it large and if you don't like it, I'll wrap it rahnd yer cannister.