Saturday, 31 August 2013

31/08/13 Dark Tourist (2012)

A strange man goes on holiday to places where people have been murdered. He speaks to his imaginary fat mate, gets bummed, smokes a lot and it all goes a bit wrong.

Starts off really well, gets predictable and boring.

Perk . in

29/08/13 Manhunter (1986)

A tall gentleman with false teeth falls in love with a blind lady.


29/08/13 Hard Ride To Hell (2010)

Terrible bumwash about some evil biker gang doing some shit or other to some bunch of people in their 30s who are possibly meant to be teenagers. Very bad.

I wonder what other crap film released the year before the title and poster were ripping off?


29/08/13 Static (2012)

A pair of humans are all glum 'cos their nipper bought the farm a while back. A woman turns up at their house one night and people with gas masks attack. Then there's a twist. I can't decide if it was good or a big floppy cock.


Wednesday, 28 August 2013

28/08/2013 We're The Millers (2013)

Unexpectedly a comedy which has some genuinely funny lines and moments as well as some slightly rum humour. Inevitably it's spoilt by some predictably schmaltzy sugary parts but not quite in the same league as Scrubs and Modern Family.



Monday, 26 August 2013

25/08/2013 Bad Milo (2013)

Film about a guy with an oddly cute alien-like stomach parasite who leaves his body to wreck havoc whenever he becomes stressed. It had the potential to be amusing but wastes it. I've had poos with more entertainment value.



25/08/2013 A Single Shot (2013)

Sam Rockwell plays a beardy hunter who accidentally shoots somebody and then finds some money (it was a day of mixed emotion) which some rum types then try to reclaim from him. It's well acted and got some actual actors and good scenery but ultimately it's quite boring and too slow moving.



Sunday, 25 August 2013

24/08/13 Elysium (2013)

Ignore all the spaceship shit, this film is about the damage privatised healthcare wreaks on society.

Jeremy Hunt, on the vanishingly small chance you ever read this, I'd like you to know how much I'd enjoy watching this film in your company, punching your weak face as hard as I could every time I had the energy to do so, you contemptible subcunt. I hate you like you wouldn't believe. Now fuck off, you expenses fiddling, failed-marmalade-salesman streak of shitwank.

This film should be seen by many. It's a story of current times set in a future-Croydon with an impressive roof garden.
10/10 For the message alone. The effects and action and all the stuff's good as well.


22/08/13 The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh (2012)

A youngish chap with hair and stubble inherits his childhood home, a place he hasn't been back to for years after a less than ideal upbringing. He goes back there to have a look round, it's a curious place full of arcane oddities and macabre trinkets.

Trinket is a great word, if I had a goldfish, I might call it that.

Anyway, it's a subtle haunted house film that is actually rather creepy. Well worth seeing if you want something to tickle your spook valve.


"'Ello, the name's Trinket."


22/08/13 Empire State (2013)

Bloke with a really annoying best mate gets a job as a security guard at a place that looks after money. The best mate robs it and other stuff happens.

Good acting doesn't save it from being a bit boring.


21/08/13 The Iceman (2012)

Granite featured mono-face Michael Shannon plays real-life dead bloke Richard Kuklinski.

He was a rather unpleasant chap who worked as a hitman for the mafia and killed loads of people with minimal prompting and was a right arsehole. The film takes the morally questionable step of playing down his nastiness and portrays him as an almost sympathetic figure who followed a rigid code of practice. As good as the film is, I found the fluffyfication of an obvious wrong 'un a bit rubbish.

Kuklinski used his mastery of disguise to avoid police detection. This character was called 'Mr Spoon'.

The Iceman Cometh. *Badum Tish*

New York's politest man. 

"118... Oh, hahahahaha! yeah. Wankers."


Thursday, 22 August 2013

19/08/2013 Shaun Of The Dead (2004)

This was actually a bit better than I remembered although still not as good as many people maintain and not a touch on Spaced. Sadly I'd just missed the best joke in the film when I put it on (who knew a disposable camera could be a source of amusement). A shame Jessica Hynes only has a cameo and is not a main character.



Tuesday, 20 August 2013

19/08/13 Goodnight God Bless (1987)

This film's also got the title Lucifer. Could've called it Potato's Arse for what difference it'd make.

The film starts, like all good ones should, with some children being murdered.

Then an unconvincing pretend-American copperplod starts humping one of the survivors mum, the middle third of the film seems to be their entire first date which involves going to a forlorn amusement park and having an ice cream, then, oh fucking hell, I don't know. This is meant to have some supernatural element somewhere but the acting was so amusingly inept I found it hard to keep up with the absent plot.

Also, the picture quality was fifth generation VHS levels. Either that or they immersed the lenses in butter before every shot.

Having said that, in the last 20 or so minutes, there's some honestly excellent soundtrack shizzle going on. Half Carpenter-esque drumbeats and half doomy ambient stuff similar to the superb Near Dark score by Tangerine Dream.

So there you go. 




You couldn't watch anything in the '80s in Britain without Gerry Adams appearing.

Aah, Rover SD1s and Ford Sierras. Those were the days. For some reason.

Scene of a mass child-mudering, cover the bodies in sheets and leave unattended. Standard investigative procedure in the 1980s.

"That's officer fist-tits to you."

"Derp" etc.


17/08/13 Ritual (2012)

A man wakes up in the woods, discovers that his family are in a bit of a pickle. Runs around a lot. Makes a complete bollocks of trying to protect his kids then decides to inject an unknown liquid he finds in a syringe in a muddy box, which anyone definitely would, and discovers the big silly twist.

An Indonesian film that makes the mistake of being filmed in English, making all the dialogue sound more wooden than the forest it was filmed in. And the twist really is very silly.


15/08/13 Dread (2009)

Tedious horror film based on (what is probably) a much better Clive Barker story. Something about some students trying capture authentic fear on camera or something. I had to go for a big poo half way through. didn't bother to pause it.


Monday, 12 August 2013

11/08/2013 Get Lucky (2013)

Seen-it-all-before crime drama about London crim types ripping each other off, getting revenge, killing each other etc. It's not too terrible, especially considering the main goons are played by Craig Fairbrass and Terry Stone. Luke (or Harry) Treadaway is pretty good.



10/08/2013 Europa Report (2013)

Thinky sci-fi (ie there is dialogue rather than aliens and/or explosions) which we were too drunk to watch properly and should probably watch again as it looked potentially interesting.



10/08/2013 Trance (2013)

A promising intro with a compelling voice over by James McAvoy sadly turns into a tedious and improbable film which is mostly forgettable. Shame as I am a generally a fan of Danny Boyle.

Oh, Rosario Dawson's boobs are good

First 10 minutes: 7.5/10
Rest of film: 4/20
Boobs: 8/10


Thursday, 8 August 2013

05/08/13 30 Days Of Night (2007)

Excellent splatter-vamp flick.


05/08/13 Magic Magic (2013)

A young woman goes on holiday with some nice people and turns a bit mental.

Good acting, but generally a bit rubbish rubbish.


Tuesday, 6 August 2013

04/08/13 Welcome To The Punch (2013)

A copperplod gets shot in the knee during a heist/aftershave commercial. He gets all, like, "Waaaah! I'm all pissy and wan't to shoot him back 'cos now my knee's all rubbish and puffy! And I can't run properly apart from in scenes when I forget about it."

The writer/director of this plump testicle previously made the convincing film Shifty. This, though, is flippin' proper floppy excrement. So flawed that it's like watching a parody that forgot to include the jokes. It also suffers from terrible miscasting and performances from people who should know better and deserve an early night with no pudding.

"Oh... Oh dear."
"It's cold, love. Give me a minute."

Tim loved nothing more than to polish his trousers whilst firemen held hands.

"Dave, put your glasses on, you blind twat. That's the coat rack, I'm over here."

The twist reveal that 'Mr Big' is actually Doris McNan was a suprise.


04/08/13 The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1984)

Further proof that Wes Craven's luck has always dwarfed his talent.

This is the film where much of it is made up of prolonged flashbacks to its predecessor, including a five minute memory sequence from the perspective of a ...a dog. Yes. A dog has a flashback.

Pretty awful.

In this film 'Tomato' is played by Brian Blessed.


03/08/13 Absence (2013)

Found footage film about a woman with a magic baby, her husband and her annoying but funny brother.

A few small flaws and a kinda flat ending, but otherwise an excellent little creeper with great acting. Some reviews have moaned that not much happens, obviously hoping for something more dramatic. Well, true enough, it's pretty low key, but adherence to a recognisable reality works in favour of the found footage style.

Not yet officially released, but easy to view on streaming sites. Hopefully it'll spread a positive opinion.


03/08/13 X Men (2000)

Hasn't changed since the last time we watched it.

Here's some more X Men I think should be introduced:

Sarcasto - Delivers devastating put-downs

Onan the Barbarian - A one-handed angry wanker

Papercut - Uses office stationary to lethal effect.

Keith - The world's most anonymous man, great for intel gathering.

James Bond - A middle-aged, English alcoholic, armed with an embarrassingly small 60yr old pistol.


03/08/13 Battle Of The Damned (2013)

There's been a zombie outbreak and this time some survivors battle them with the assistance of mostly useless robots. 55yr old Dolph Lundgren is probably aware that he's in this film.