Thursday, 31 January 2013

31/01/13 Stoked: The Rise And Fall Of Gator (2002)

Curious and compelling documentary about a man who used to spin around on plywood who fucked it all up by raping and murdering some poor woman.


31/01/13 The Liability (2012)

Small Brit-flick about a young knobber who crashes his step dad's car then gets asked to cut up a violent Latvian as part payment for the wrecked Merc.

The final twenty minutes lose some steam, but the first hour is very good, highlights include a fantastic woodland corpse disposal scene which is (intentionally) funnier than any comedies I've seen for a while, and a mint condition Mark 2 Ford Granada (2.8 V6 Auto, for any other tedious vintage car idiots like me out there.)

Peter Mullan and Kierston Wareing do their usual angrygrowlyman/boobybrasslady characters, but they do 'em well, Jack O'Connell as the youngster is excellent.


Wednesday, 30 January 2013

30/01/2013 The Collection (2012)

The first film was actually a fairly decent effort.  The sequel sees the evil killer get his own place and upgrade his evil doing to an abandoned hotel (which has electricity and potentially a maid still nipping in).  There are some genuine "brrr" moments of cringey gore but also some ludicrous moments of a conveniently forgotten broken arm and scientific inaccuracies.



29/01/2013 Psychosis (2010)

Saw this a couple of years ago and thought it was a bit rubbish.  It's still a bit rubbish.  A London couple move to an unnecessarily large house in the country. Some odd stuff happens and we don't know (nor indeed particularly care) if the cause is something supernatural, the creepy groundsman or the wife's history of mental wibbiliness flaring up again.

The leading thread of the main bloke's imdb message board is entitled "My god what a shocking actor". 'Nuff said.



Monday, 28 January 2013

28/01/13 It's A Disaster (2012)

Eight people get together to do a 'Couple's Brunch'. If that alone doesn't make you want to kick their limbs off, then watching the film probably will.

The fucking smugness of it is almost unbearable. Imagine eight people with self-absorption at Woody Allen levels, but unlike Mr. Daughterwife, they give a fuck what they look like. Truly horrid, whiny, white American cunts.

Eventually, after spending ages establishing the cast as some of history's most tedious wankers, the main plot bit happens. Lots of dirty bombs going off in America. Lols, etc. Anyway, they slowly start to realise they're probably a bit fucked. issues get resolved in the face of annihilation and other such pissy yank shit.

The final fifteen minutes are actually good. If the first 70 minutes were condensed into five (which could easily be done) then this could be a good short film. As it is, it's a predictable relationship drama with an occasional good line, dipped in a veneer of fake, pseudo-hipster quirkiness.

Load of wank.


28/01/13 U.F.O. (2012)

Any actual UFO activity takes place a distant second to the blathering moronics of the bimbletit characters. The far greater focus is watching these idiots bicker about shit and struggling with the acting basics (y'know, like using your face appropriately). A couple of interesting moments can't blanket its overall shitness. A shame as the writer/director's last film, Airborne, was kinda fun.


27/01/13 The Blair Witch Project (1999)

This film's more famous then food, so you've probably seen it. Massively divisive between people who liked it and idiots.

And the girl's got a crackin' arse.

10/10 (Because so many dicktards rate it so low.)


27/01/13 Aliens (1986)

James Cameron's other good film.

One of the character's called Spunkmeyer. The original choices of Jizzsmith and Cumgold were considered too silly.

Filmed mostly in west London. Coulda saved a fortune on set design by filming in Croydon.

Years ago there was an Aliens themed interactive attraction in Trocadero in London. A guy I knew went on it. There was a part where you're in a lift with a few marines and they enacted a variation on the "Eat this" scene. The actor playing one of the grunts had to break character to tell the drunk guy in the corner to stop pissing in the lift.



Sunday, 27 January 2013

27/01/13 Back To The Future 2 (1989)

Sequel. Too bleak in parts compared to the original, the third part's better.


27/01/13 Argo (2012)

Fenn Baffleck plays a man with a beard who doesn't smile. 1979, some people are stuck in Iran, it's full of them horrid forrins. The best escape plan? make a sci-fi film and smuggle the peeps out.

They do, it ends.


26/01/13 Heathers (1988)

A fun, lightly satirical teen comedy that benefits from being considerably darker than most other flicks of its type, especially back then.

Back in the days when Christian Slater and Winona Ryder were big stuff. Now they can probably be hired quite reasonably to paint your house or babysit. Such is life, eh?


26/01/13 The Dead Zone (1983)

Christopher Walken is one of those very rare actors who could be in an advert for beige paint and still be cool as they come.

Anyway, in this he plays a bristle-haired psychic who can see the past and the future when he touches* someone.

Very good.

*Wonder what happens when he has a wank?


26/01/13 Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

Awards ceremony fuzz-bumper, Jodie Foster plays Clarice Sensibleshoe who's using Hamtony Hamkins to help track down a skin-tranny moth enthusiast called Bill.

Enjoyable enough, but not a touch on Manhunter, Brian Cox's Lector is where it begins, peaks and finishes.


26/01/13 Back To The Future (1985)

You've bloody well seen it. One of the few films, certainly of this type, that deserves its enduring classic status.



25/01/13 Fairytale (2012)

If I was a Geordie talking about this film, I'd probably say:

"Reet, it's this fillum where some bonny lass and her nipper move ento a reet nice toonhouse but here's some nutty ghost burd livin' in their cupboard, like. Visually canny, but slow and eventually quite boring. At naw point are there any tits oot for the lads. Why aye etc."

I'm not a Geordie though.


24/01/13 The Man From Earth (2007)

Excellent low budget film about a college lecturer who, during his leaving do, tells his colleagues that he's 14,000 years old. What a fucking Tory poster boy, working that far beyond retirement, eh?

Anyway, his workmates are doubtful, y'know, being sane academic types, but slowly start to question their own assumptions as his story seems more and more plausible. There is a twist, of sorts, as the man claims to be a fairly significant figure from history...

Low budget, well acted, intelligent, great script and funny. There's a final moments reveal which seems a little tacked-on, but that's a small niggle in an otherwise excellent film.
10/10 (Yeah, why not.)


Monday, 21 January 2013

21/01/13 Money Movers (1978)

Australian film about a money sorting depot getting robbed. A little slow and convoluted, but in a good way. Starring Terence Donovan, Jason's dad.

Its depiction of big-money crime is unglamorous and realistic, unlike films of today where most comparable films are overly stylistic, posturing arse. Recommended!

Slapping a co-workers arse is an acceptable greeting. Try it on your boss tommorow!

10,000 Australian dollars. Roughly £8.50

"Ladies! Form a cue, please! Papa's got enough love for you all."

This scene was filmed in Sydney's historic Petrol District.

Australian funerals have traditional attendees: The group of naked men...

...And Jeremy Clarkson.

An Australian enjoying his breakfast.


21/01/13 House Hunting (2013)

Beastmaster grows a beard and gets stuck in a haunted house with actors of varying ability.


Ooh! 400!!!

20/01/13 Fire With Fire (2012)

Fireman sees crime. Gets threatened. Revenge! Eventually ends.

Gok Wan. Unconvincing bad guy.

Willis. Taking a shit.

"Awful GCI? ...Run!!!"


20/01/13 Testament (1983)

Please welcome guest reviewer Harold Shand.

Back in my day, we lived under the constant threat of nuclear annihilation. That and the very real risk of being abducted by the IRA. Anyway, this film is about the commies dropping the big one on the septics and 'ow one family deals with it.

I took the 'trouble', Victoria, to see it at the flicks and we both agreed that, whilst the performances were all impressive, it didn't 'ave the shit-yer-strides clout of Threads which was released the next year. 

Y'see, the problem with the yanks is, they've got no balls. This film shows the effect of the apocalypse on one clan and is a bit fackin' lovey-dovey with all that faahmily values shit they love over there, whereas Threads' main message was if you're unlucky enough to live through it, within a few months, you'll be vomiting blood, half dead, selling your body in exchange for a dead rat and 'oping that the child yer carrying won't live long enough to suffer the life you can offer.

Fackin' yanks, I shit 'em.


Sunday, 20 January 2013

19/01/13 The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981)

Jack Nicholson gives Jessica Lange one on a table. Her husband dies then she falls out of a car.

Anjelica Houston, face like a gent.

Actually a bit boring.


18/01/13 Quicksilver Highway (1997)

A film made up of two separate stories, one written by Stephen King, the other by Clive Barker. Whose name is Clive. Ha ha! Clive.

The connection between the two is Christopher Lloyd's character (sort of like a 60yr old emo looking fella) who introduces the stories to people who are then affected by the tales in a pair of predictable twists.

Camp as a sequinned bum-cuddle and pretty good fun.


Wednesday, 16 January 2013

16/01/2013 Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

Pointless sequel to a weak original premise.  Brings nothing new or interesting to the genre or franchise and the final scene bears no relation to the rest of the plot. The mum's quite hot though.



15/01/2013 Bad Moon (1996)

Surprisingly obscure werewolf film considering it's quite a good effort.  The effects are pretty decent and includes excellent dog acting!



Sunday, 13 January 2013

13/01/2013 Thursday (1998)

Bit of an unknown film which is surprising as it's pretty good and its leads Thomas Jane and Aaron Eckhart (who are the same person) have gone on to bigger things. Ex-crim turned good Jane (or is it Eckhart?) has his ex-partner in crime Eckhart (or Jane) turn up and trouble ensues.



12/01/13 First Blood (1982)

Rocky runs around wearing a sack and hides in trees and shit. He's got a knife.

Just like the first Rocky film, this one's got a plot and some attempts at acting. Just like the Rocky sequels, the other Rambo efforts have been penis.


12/01/13 Seven Psychopaths (2012)

Written and directed by the same manchap who done the excellent In Bruges. Sadly this isn't anywhere near as good.

Watch In Bruges instead.


11/01/13 Ghostquake (2012)

This was the best film in the entire world.

Not really.

Danny Trejo, the one man who makes Samuel L. Jackson look workshy.

Original title was Haunted High, known over here as Ghostquake. Prob 'cos a film about a haunted high school called Haunted High was too ambiguous a title.


11/01/12 Lakeview Terrace (2008)

A pair of dull people move into a house. Ubiquitous L. Jackson lives next door. They don't get along. A plump obvious apple falls off the predictable tree. Film ends.


Wednesday, 9 January 2013

08/01/13 Ice Road Terror (2011)

Well, that was terrible.

Better than Avatar, though.


Tuesday, 8 January 2013

08/01/13 Avatar (2009)

Are you fucking joking me? This fucking terrible fucking three hour fucking cartoon for idiots is the most profitable fucking film in fucking history? Well, fucking fuck fucking me!

This fucking dogshit, overly simplistic chunk of arse plays out like a mid-nineties video game cut-scene, but one that's actually more predictable than sunrise.

Sam Worthington, Australia's least rewarding export since Fosters, plays Trundle McBlankcanvas who decides to become a large blue homosexual on the Ewok planet and fall in love with a pathetically anthropomorphic tree-hippy. They talk Puffin book romance for ten minutes and he decides to adopt their etc. Etc. Etc. Big fight at the end led by Colonel Nasty and his platoon of cunting cliches.

But you probably knew all that as it would appear that until tonight, I was the only human who hadn't seen this fucking animated placenta.

Right, now, you could argue that this film is making a comment on American foreign policy, bollocks to that. The actions of those cunts (the policy makers, not all Americans) speak for themselves, if thousands and thousands of dead people isn't enough to create an eternity of regret, then this neon coloured spunk puddle isn't going to make a shit of difference. There's nursery rhymes with greater emotional resonance.

The animation looks crap.
The physics are terrible, some seriously poor motion.
The story is pop-up book basic.
The acting is utterly YouTube.
The weaponry?! For fuck's sake, bi-pedal mech suits that carry knives? Attack crafts with open gunning positions? Rota powered war ships?


James Cameron may have created one of my all time favourite films, 29 years ago, but pretty much everything he's done since suggests to me that he's money chasing hack who these days wouldn't recognise creativity or a good idea if they took turns fucking him up the arse for a week.

Although that would probably be far more enjoyable than having to sit through this torturous mud-biscuit ever again.

2008: The near complete film passing through the edit suite.

Pic of dog from householdriot's flickr page. Ta.

08/01/13 Spread (2009)

Ashton Kutcher plays a dislikeable selfish arse who bangs successful older women for his own personal gain.  Hang on a minute....


Monday, 7 January 2013

07/01/13 Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines (2003)

I'm bored of typing about how brilliant the first Terminator is and how the sequels were progressively worse.

Point is, this film is shitter than a shit dipped in shit then deep fried in liquid, bubbling shit.


06/01/13 Total Recall (2012)

Surprisingly not that terrible remake of the Arnie "classic".  A different spin on the original in that it's not a frame for frame rehash (no Mars but instead all that's left of the future world is western Europe and Austrasia connected through a highspeed link through the centre of the Earth). Still has the three titted woman though. Hurrah!


06/01/13 Berberian Sound Studio (2012)

Brundlegnome Toby Jones plays a sound chap working on an Italian horror film. It all goes a bit wrong and he might be a mental or something.

The chin-strokey end of the film critic rainbow have been wanking all over this for a while. Nicely shot, but fucking hell, it's boring, we're talking the cinematic equivalent of Belgium.


Sunday, 6 January 2013

06/01/13 Happy Hell Night (1992)

Piss-poor shit about a bunch of 30yr old college wankers being killed by some Richard O'Brien tribute act.

It was not very good.


06/01/13 Blueberry (2004)

Sadly not a film about a muffin. Instead it's some western effort that seems to be a revenge story. It breaks up the traditional stuff by having ten minute long animated parts that shit on about snakes and swirly plant things or some-such bollocks. Dunno, I ate my dinner half way through it and was more distracted by the pasta than the film.



05/01/13 Lord Of Illusions (1995)

Silly nonsense about a private eye with an affinity for strange/supernatural cases who's hired to look into some stuff. There's a magician who's a former cult member that left him with genuine powers. The former leader of the cult was a right wrong 'un, he kept hostages, a small collection of nutbag followers and the occasional baboon.

Fifteen years before the events in the film, some breakaway nutbags realised their leader was a bit of dubious sort, so they put a metal hat on him and shot him a few times before burying him. Now a few of them are worried that he's gonna pop outta the ground and do spells and stuff.

Some of the film's shite, big holes in logic, and some dodgy performances, but for a low budget horror it has some good visuals, a decent story and hints at interesting back stories, esp. Bakula's who's character Harry D'Amour is apparently a recurring fella in some of Clive Barker's books (Barker wrote and directed this)

The private eye is played by Scott Bakula, it was amusing seeing Mr Quantum Leap swearing.

Talking of Clive Barker, I'm really hoping the Cabal Cut of Nightbreed actually comes out soon, flippin' love that film and it'd be great to see the missing hour or so reinserted.

Heh: Reinserted. *Chuckle*


Friday, 4 January 2013

04/01/2013 48 Hrs (1982)

Not-as-classic-as-you-might-remember 80s comedy which features the unlikely partnership between cop Nick Nolte and crim Eddie "Mono Character" Murphy.  It hasn't dated badly; it probably just wasn't that funny in the first place.  Dexter and Breaking Bad fans may be interested to see Dexter's Dad and Mike respectively in their younger days!