Friday, 31 January 2014

29/01/14 The Monkey's Paw (2013)

Not yet released, but some cheeky monkeys have put it on the 'net. Probably using their paws. If you have a keyboard, you probably know where to type things if you want to watch it.

Anyway, yeah, it was alright.

Actually, it was a bit boring and pants.


Wednesday, 29 January 2014

28/01/14 Sideways (2004)

When this came out, absolutely every film critic was desperate to wank themselves inside-out over how brilliant it is. Pretty much reinforcing my opinion of professional critics as a syndicated hive-mind, incapable of forming their own opinions.

Possible exaggeration aside, they can all suck my balls. Apart from very good acting, this film just came across as a middle-class circle-jerk between the makers and the intended audience. Fuck that shit.

The plot, as you possibly know, is two dislikeable men go on a short tour around some American vineyards, lightly bicker, meet some women and display punch-worthy levels of whining, pissy self-obsession. Yeah, I get it, men are eternal boys emotionally, who reach a point where they realise nothing in life is as great as the box it came in promised, and we need the stabilising maturity of women to give us focus. Or they could just grow up and not be fucking cabbages.

Also, people who think wine is important are cunts. Not the ways it brings economic benefits to the regions it grows in or any of that bigger picture stuff, but those folk who observe the snobbish fucking twaddle around the whole wine 'thing'. If it tastes good and you can afford it, it's good wine. Nothing else matters. Doesn't matter if the bottle's got a picture of a rustic chateaux or a fucking party balloon. I've had three quid bottles of bargain plonk that's been every bit as satisfying as the rare times I've tasted the thirty-quid-a-pop stuff.

Still, it might just be a class thing, I'd rather have a pint of lager.

Even that poster is smug and cunty.


28/01/14 [REC]³ Genesis (2012)

Man and woman get married. Zombies gatecrash. Internet idiots piss their nappies as the film isn't quite as tedious as the two that came before it.


27/01/14 High Noon (1952)

Gary Cooper gets monged off his tits on drugs around lunchtime. ...High Noon, get it?

Yes, that was terrible. Doesn't really matter though as you've probably seen this.

If you haven't, a noble sheriff chap gets married and lives in a town full of bottlers who turn all brown-trousers when he needs their help dealing with some rum buggers.

A bit like the time I couldn't bring myself to jump off the high diving board in The Queen Mother Leisure centre when I was a kid.

But nothing actually like that, and in black and white with pistols.


26/01/14 Escape Plan (2013)

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger (combined age 133) find themselves in an inescapable Perspex prison. Presumably for crimes against acting.

Unlikely plot nonsense aside, surely a nice retirement home with access to treadmills and a golf course would be more befitting men of their advancing years. Ideally somewhere that avoids giving those those fiddly five pence pieces in change or where they play that young person hip-step music.

Anyway, yeah, it's like the film Cocoon but with guns an' shit.


Sunday, 26 January 2014

26/01/14 Villain (1971)

What do you get if you cross:

Vincent Cassel

Dot Cotton?

This bloke. Now known as Vincedot.

Anyway this is a surprisingly obscure film about a shady cockney bummer (For non Brits: criminal, London based homosexual) who shows his affection for people by punching them, as well as punching people he doesn't like, and does a bank job with some of his chums. Including Vincedot. Above average, but not great. Lots of odd accents.

Mark1 Ford Capri and clothing brought to you by 1970's fashion brand House of Brown.

"Blimey! It says here that in 43 years a tubby man will mock this film on a personal home computer unit."

"Crivens! So it does!"

"Would you like a sausage? I've got plenty."

A Rover P5b (hooray!) driving through one of Croydon's 'Gardens in Bloom'.

Think of your own caption for this brilliant acty-face.


25/01/14 30 Days Of Night (2007)

This seems to come on TV frequently. I don't mind though as it's cracking good fun.


25/01/14 Filth (2013)

Dodgy plod does all manner of shady stuff. Wears a dress.

Starts off very well, climbs up its own arse too much at the end.

Worth seeing just for gnome-like Eddie Marsan dancing whilst high on drugbiscuits.


Friday, 24 January 2014

24/01/14 The Being (1983)

Imagine a version of The Thing done by people who couldn't be arsed. And where the creature wasn't some amazing transmorphic beast but a bloke in a suit that looks like a big rubber poo.

Should've been high-camp fun, wasn't. Was boring splash.

"Don't fuckin' move, punk!"
"Gary, that's a car you twat."

"I found Hawking's work on the singularities of gravitational collapse directed at too broad an audience. I think you'll find my thesis on single-dimensional elemental particles a far more challenging and mature read. Especially if you're mashed on weed, dude."

"Dave, pick me up a beef pasty and some Quavers."
"Why can't you get them?"
"I'm having a bad hair day. People will stare at me."

"Good lord! If these calculations are correct... This film is utter shit!"


24/01/14 Prince Of Darkness (1987)

I love this film as it's one of those rare horror flicks that has genuinely trouser-browning moments of spooko-terror.

Podd thinks it's a load of dated arse about a bunch of unlikely middle-aged students who do battle with a devil stuck in a pot.

Obviously I'm right.
10/10 Or possibly less if you're not me.


22/01/14 The Serpent And The Rainbow (1988)

Almost interesting film based on a probably better book about a fellow who goes to Haiti to piss about with voodoo powder.


Tuesday, 21 January 2014

19/01/14 Blind Date (1984)

Shit film about a fella who goes blind and someone stabbing women in Athens, not the shit one with Bruce Willis that came out three years later.

This chap with an annoying head is called Joseph Bottoms. LOL etc.

Told you.

"Will home computing ever be more convenient?"
"Never! The iWardrobe is as compact and simple as we'll ever get. Science Hat magazine says so."

"With a gat that's pointed at yo ass, so give it up smooth..."

"Stay alive! I will find you!"

Nothing to do with this film, I just love how happy this elephant looks.


Saturday, 18 January 2014

18/01/14 Slaughter Of The Innocents (1993)

A FBI chap who investigates serial killers decides that it's a great idea to take his 11yr old son along to the scenes of fresh murders.
The kid's some sort of spacky mega-brain who's enjoying his early years staring at crime sights and slaughter photos before inevitably turning into a thoroughly disturbed adult who doesn't let the very rare visitors to his bedsit look inside his 'special box' kept in the fridge. Possibly.
Anyway, the film's bumlar toss and child actors annoy us.

Fleshpipe & Sons are pleased to offer this unique character property. In need of slight renovation, it benefits from a south facing lunacy, off-kilter parking and a shared dimensional portal. No onward momentum.

I miss The Crystal Maze.

Amstrad's exciting new home computing product for 2014.

Edward Owl Hands. 

At night, Gary liked to relax with his favourite book...

...Which was full of bondage infants.

This guy's briefly in this film for seemingly no reason. An odd fellow.


Tuesday, 14 January 2014

13/01/14 Invasion Roswell (2013)

Aliens invade earth, struggling actors are mankind's last hope!

More fun than it should be.


13/01/14 The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)

Before he became a right-wing pensioner, Clint Eastwood used to make excellent Westerns. Like this one.


12/01/14 Trouble Man (1972)

Not really seen much from the 'Blaxploitation' sub-genre, if they're all as enjoyable as this, I want to watch all of them.

I have no idea if these films are considered an embarrassment best forgotten or an alternative voice in cinema  history that can be enjoyed without judgement. Who cares? It was fuckin' good fun.

East Surrey Young Conservatives meeting.

'70s interiors. A fascinating blend of bright plastics, brown surfaces and eye-tormenting awfulness.

"So, like, is that actually your hair or some weird plastic hat?"

You could possibly play cricket with that tie.


12/01/14 The Asphyx (1973)

Posh people talk woodenly and shine some sort of magic torch at mice to capture their souls then try it on humans or some such shit. Wanted to enjoy it, got bored by its dullness. One highlight though is that the word Asphyx is pronounced 'arse-fix'. Like when your back pipe is broken and you need an...


11/01/14 Lust For A Vampire (1971)

A Hammer film with a bit of blood and lots of boobs. If you're expecting anything more sophisticated, you probably won't enjoy Hammer films. Or this website.


Friday, 10 January 2014

09/01/14 The Man Who Haunted Himself (1970)

Roger Moore plays a chap called Pelham who takes his P5b (my favourite classic car, bloody ace, V8 luxo-tanks) out for a drive and decides to crash it on the M4 heading out of London. Somehow this turns him into two people with evil Pelham making life an arseache for goody Pelham.

*Makes film title joke about the taking of Pelham 1 by 2*

*Hates self for it*

In a dark turn of irony, the director/co-writer of this film, a chap called Basil Dearden, crashed his car on the M4 a year after this was made. He became no people rather than two as it killed him. Less unpleasant is that his birth name was the chucklesome Basil Clive Dear.

Anyway, gotta go to work, so I'll finish this rubbish later.


Hello again, I'm back from work now. Pleasantly quiet shift, thanks for asking.

Anyway, this film's quite dated, the scares and thrills are a little soft by modern tastes, it's pretty slow moving, the acting is as stiff as the 28-piece suits everyone (including the children) wear and the women are are little beyond fluffy decoration, happy to let the important men make the decisions, ...but it is very entertaining, camp and another glimpse of emptier London from forty years ago.

Roger Moore's famously method eyebrows get a good workout in this. Here's 'Righty' doing his thing.

And, of course, good ol' 'Lefty'.

Surely, even if you're not a car person you can dig this beauty? Like a cross between a Rolls Royce and an angry muscle car.

"This blunt is phat. Ya get me, Gangsta?"

"Fo real, Nigga. I'm trippin' balls on this chronic."

Having a poo. Very formal back then.

"Quick nurse! Help me battle this rubber cobra and pass me that bag of Ribena!"

"So, Gentlemen, it's decided. This years Christmas party will be Ministry Of Sound in Ibiza. Smythe-Wilson will be in charge of the pills."