Thursday, 31 October 2013

31/10/13 Trick Or Treat (1986)

Cheers, Horror Channel.

Silly old nonsense about a mullet-child who brings a camp rock star back from the dead by using a magic LP.  Cameo by Ozzy Osbourne when he was still fat, before he dropped a quadbike on his head. Twat.

Nine years after this was made, the guy who played Sammi Curr died of AIDS. That's a bit glum.


31/10/13 Halloween (1978)

Little known teen-comedy directed by the 14yr old Ron Carpenter.

Albino Shatner, stabby-stab, bang-bang, ends. Shame it never had seven sequels and a fuckin' shit remake.

I have not altered this screenshot in any way.

"So... You into younger men?"

Well I never!

"I'm wearing it for you, now come and punch me on the flopper."

I have also left this unchanged.


30/10/13 All Hallow's Eve (2013)

Given the date, it seemed appropriate to watch this. That's right, only 171 days until Easter!!!

Not yet released, but cheekily plopped onto the web, if you wanna seek it out, usual places.

Wouldn't push yerself too much though. Portmanteau effort, with forgettable stories and a mildly entertaining wraparound.


I've shagged her.


Tuesday, 29 October 2013

The Best Name On IMDB

Breaking nearly two years of formula, this deserved its own post.


28/10/13 Solo (2013)

A Canadian in shorts stays in a tent. An odd man stays in a different tent.  He's a bit rum. film looks nice, very boring.

Dr Blood has written some thoughty, review-words here:


27/10/13 Suicide Kings (1997)

Some spoiled, wealthy idiots are in something of a pickle, so they kidnap a pensioner.

The plot's a little wobbly, some of the casting is poor and the final scene is unlikely and very much at odds with the tone of the film. However, Christopher Walken is superb, doing that quietly threatening thing he used to do so well, and the dialogue is occasionally excellent. Dennis Leary also has a fantastic scene involving a toaster.


26/10/13 World's Greatest Dad (2009)

Kid accidentally dies whilst having a wank. Robin Williams writes a book and goes swimming. Goldthwait.


26/10/13 The Truman Show (1998)

Wordy bits to come later.


Thursday, 24 October 2013

23/10/2013 Collateral Damage (2002)

It's really useful how the top right hand corner of the poster tells you the plot. It's also realistic and helpful that the Colombian terrorists speak English amongst themselves instead of, y'know, their native language Spanish (Schwarzenegger: Basic Films For Basic People). You will spend the entirety of the film thinking you've seen it before because it's exactly like any other Schwarzenegger film where he doesn't play a time travelling robot, a midget's twin or an undercover nursery school teacher.



22/10/2013 Suspect Zero (2004)

Not Thomas Jane is a FBI agent hunting a serial killer. S'alright.



Tuesday, 22 October 2013

21/10/13 The Secret Village (2013)


"Mmmmmng, nearly there. Describe what you're wearing again."

*Whispers* "Massive shirt."

Assange has escaped!

Us, watching this film.


Monday, 21 October 2013

20/10/13 Merry Little Christmas (2010)

Many years ago, in the days when there was only four channels on British TV, ITV dropped a right bollock by putting on a film in the daytime that was wholly inappropriate. It was some parody of superhero films that involved violence, racial stereotypes, swearing and ladyboobs. I thought it was great. I vaguely recall that some TV person explained the balls up a while later by saying they had confused the name with a similarly titled family comedy, and apologised to the uptight knobwits who'd got in a fluster at the sight of a nipple.

Whilst watching Merry Little Christmas, I thought how darkly amusing it'd be if one of the big woolly channels made the same cock-up on Xmas day by airing this gem.

It's a twenty minute short that packs in more misery, horror, depression and glumness than most established horror directors manage in their entire careers. Child abuse, bumrape, suicide, vicious beatings, self-mutilation and a woman rubbing one out in a bathtub crammed into less than half an hour. More impressively, unlike almost all modern horror films, this is genuinely troubling, nasty, scary well shot, unambiguous and powerful.

The two reviews on IMDB both sum it up well, particularly the one that describes it as a cross between Irreversable and an Aphex Twin video. If the other review is correct, this short was apparently commissioned by the Spanish government to highlight the horrors of spousal/familial abuse. The Spanish government then banned it for doing such an effective job.

To put it in layman's terms, it's some nasty shit.

Good though.

"Are... Are you Steve Buscemi?"

Fat bloke.

That's better.


20/10/13 Scar (2007)

Derivative, charisma-free, torture-porn shite that's about as much fun as licking piss off a nettle but without the novelty of doing so.

Angela Bettis was the main draw, as we've had a soft spot for her since seeing the underrated 'May', as well as her enjoyable appearance in the (mostly very disappointing) Masters of Horror series. Her contribution to The ABCs of Death wasn't as bad as many of 'em, either.

Anyway, in this, she plays a woman who was tortured in her home town a number of years ago by an unlikely serial killer, she goes back to the town and people start getting killed again. If I lived in a town where the colour had been so mercilessly de-saturated, leaving absolutely everything rain-cloud grey, I'd probably welcome being offed. Although, having said that, it'd still beat Croydon.


Sunday, 20 October 2013

19/10/13 The Suspect (2013)

Not released yet, but some cad has put it on the 'net where a little searching may dig it up.

Anyway, some banks get robbed and two fellas sit in a room talking to small town Yank plod about racism and shizzle.

The acting's great, the twist kinda obvious and the end should've been different, in my humble. However, it was very good and is worth a go.


19/10/13 Bobcat Goldthwait: You Don't Look the Same Either (2012)

Stand-up gig from the guy who couldn't talk properly in Police Academy 2.

I wanted to see it as I thought his film God Bless America was bloody great (Here ya go: )

Anyway, it starts off slow but he gets into it and nails it. Lots of jokes about Michael Jackson, Nazis, acting, being skint and the final one about being on a plane that crash lands had me laughing like a tickled chimp.


19/10/13 Big Trouble (2002)

One of those films that were briefly popular in the late '90s-early2000s where multiple wacky characters and their story threads all come together during the climatic third. Funnier than expected and the 29yr old Sofia Vergara wobbles pleasingly.


Monday, 14 October 2013

13/10/13 The Dirties (2013)

Canadians, eh? Ever so polite even when murdering people. Good acting and solid enough to keep your attention, but a little flat and pointless.


12/10/13 The Shortcut (2009)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. She said it was "Alright".


10/10/13 The Psychopath Next Door (2013)

Absolutely bollocking terrible TV film about a woman who moves into a new house. Possibly the most bumular script ever to progress beyond being typed. Awful.


Monday, 7 October 2013

05/10/13 Fast & Furious 6 (2013)

Luckily the opening credits sequence of this film works as a recap on the entire series so far. Very useful for me as I had managed to miss numbers 2-5 as well as the second half of the first one after realising midway through that I had experienced puberty some years before and had overshot the intended demographic by a number of decades.

Anyway, in this unexpected* twist on the franchise Vin Diesel (real name Danny Petrol) and Paul Walker (real name Susan Hiking-Boot) open things up by having a race 'round a mountain in some ponced-up whiney go-karts  which I swear is some sort of intentional homo-erotic metaphor; each unnecessary, thrusting gear change representing a desire to  nudge each other up the bumper.

The rest of the film plays out exactly as you'd expect, with the added charm of making every woman either a wordless, titty bimbette or a scowly, treacherous growler.

The climatic chase takes place on a runway (Article about the silliness of it here: and it reminded me of a time twenty years ago when me and a chum got onto a disused runway off the A3 near Guildford and thrashed the wank out of his 1100cc Mark1 Fiesta racing up and down it. Sadly no tanks exploded out of his bonnet.

It does have a Jensen Interceptor briefly appear though, one of the most beautiful cars ever made.
Or 10/10 if you're in the mood for a cartoon.

Ponced-up rollserskate.

The scriptwriter dictates the finer plot points to his secretary.

Dave loves to tell people what his favourite historical era is.

"What you driving these days, Nigel?"
"A tank."

"Stop shooting the printers, Eddie. You utter penis."


*Not unexpected.

Saturday, 5 October 2013

04/10/13 Dead In Tombstone (2013)

Is Danny Trejo now in every film made? IMDB only lists 256 appearances as an actor, but I'm sure that's just for this month and it'll probably double by time I finish typing this. Still, for a guy nudging 70, he's a tough looking codger, I wouldn't wanna kick him in the bus pass.

Anyway, in this he plays a guy who's co-leads a stick-up gang back in the wild west days and then he gets killed by the other members and pops out of the grave a year later to get revenge. Mickey Rourke plays a bloaty version of the devil. His head looks very puffy.

Starts with a great opening scene where the gang raid a fort to release the ginger fella from Weird Science who's about to be hung, then slides down the greasy pole of disappointment to splash-land  in the puddle of boring at the bottom.

Heh, heh, heh... "Bottom".

That'll do. I'm off to play GTA V. First time I've played a game of that type since I've owned a car, so I've founf myself carefully reversing into parking spaces. You might be about to rob a bank, but there's no excuse for poor road craft! Also, good to see that Rockstar remembered to make the games fun again. The last one was total fuckin' ballsack.

Might actually expand on this blog next year to include games, books and such like. Dunno. Depends if we can be arsed.


03/10/13 Dragon Day (2013)

China takes over America via the back door.

"Back door? Pmip! Pmip!"

There's a good idea for a film here (take over a country by using code embedded in the technology they have imported in from you), and this one does try to make the best of its limited resources but the ropey production values, script and acting doom it.

A noble-ish failure.

Do like the poster though, pretty creative and eye-catching.



02/10/13 Nothing Left To Fear (2013)

A Priest and his family move to a new town. From the Filmplop scriptures:

"And the 'ploppers did gaze upon this film. Their eyes bore witness to a plot drawn from the well of derivative, and effects of rubbish CGI.

The scrolls of IMDB told that the eldest teenage daughter was played by a woman of one score and eight years, Perkin's guilt was assuaged as he had admired her form, and lo, especially the bit when she wore the tight top."

Apparently Slash from Guns 'N' Roses done the music to this. He called me a wanker once. Although frequently true physically, I read his autobiography recently and he's a right cunt.

So there you go.