Sunday, 31 August 2014

31/08/2014 The Penny Dreadful Picture Show (2013)

Anthology of three short films, none are outstanding but they're entertaining enough and one offers a novel spin on a well worn genre.



30/08/14 Eye Of The Storm (1991)

Has the style and feel of a TV movie, specifically one for a TV station called 'Shit Films'.

Two kindly folk get murdered at their desert motel/petrol station/diner, leaving their two orphaned sons to take over the business. Ten years later, Dennis Hopper and Lara Flynn Boyle turn up to stay the night. This place is so remote, they might well be the first customers since the murders a decade before.

The younger son was blinded in the attack that killed the parents and spends his days touching rabbits and stealing keys, the elder son fills the months by sometimes wearing a hat. Both of them decide that they wanna do feely stuff with Boyle, until it all gets a bit murdery.

Fuck kevlar, apparently a white T-shirt will keep you alive after four bullets to the chest.

Total bum-sandwich.


30/08/14 Life Of Crime (2013)

Pretty much the same as Ruthless People (was actually going to get made in the '80s, it's based on an Elmore Leonard book, but the plots were considered too similar) but without the funny bits.

Friday, 29 August 2014

28/08/14 Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

A terrifying vision of the future.

No, not the CGI zombie apocalypse, but the thought that one day all films might be as terrible as this.


28/08/14 The Last Showing (2014)

Robert Englund plays a fella with a mildly confused accent who works in a cinema and decides to kill some annoying people.

Low budget, ropey acting, terrible script yet still watchable, especially if you're in the mood for an undemanding horror flick that's reminiscent of stuff that was pumped out by the bumload back in the '80s.


Thursday, 28 August 2014

27/08/14 The Rover (2014)

In a near future where the world is seemingly only inches away from being completely broken, someone steals Mike from Neighbours car.

Bleak and very nearly brilliant.


26/08/14 Escape From London (2011)

After watching the Jake West documentary, I thought I'd check his IMDB page to see what else he's been up to as me and Pod have always enjoyed his feature films. Someone we sorta know has worked with him and said he's a jolly decent fellow, so he gets an all-round Film Plop thumbs up.

Anyway, as some promo piece for a recent Frightfest, he filmed a short parody of Escape From New York, had a look on YouTube, and there it is. Although obviously made on the quick, it's fun with a few good in-jokes, the Mayor's earrings being my favourite.

And, as it's got an IMDB entry, I'm including it.


26/08/14 Video Nasties: Draconian Days (2014)

The -not strictly necessary, but still very welcome- sequel to Jake West's 2010 Video Nasties: Moral Panic, Censorship and Videotape. This one's a bit more detailed than the first film's overview, with in-depth interviews with some of the people who were arrested for possessing, copying and sometimes dealing the films on the banned list.

For Brit film fans of a certain type and age, there's some nostalgia gold in this. 

Thank golly we would never again have to suffer under a Tory government who would try and impose their morally superior control over the media us delicate plebeian ingrates can enjoy. All that dangerous, unregulated 'esoteric content' is out there for us to enjoy, unfiltered and free to view anonymously without anyone registering collective or individual dissenting opinions. 

Eh? What's that now?

Anyway, this documentary is ace. I got a copy as a birthday present from my brother, signed by Jake West and Marc Morris. Nice one, S! :)

So, yeah, buy a copy, it's cracking good stuff.


26/08/14 Flash Gordon (1980)

Hard hitting documentary about brass-winged eagle men.


Wednesday, 27 August 2014

25/08/14 Scotland, Pa. (2001)

A spin on the Macbeth story but set in around a burger place in '70s America.

I'm not a Shakespeare fan, but if you are you might get something out of this.

"Yeah, bitch! Supersize that shit and make it a diet coke.   ...Er, forsooth, nonny and whatnot."

25/05/14 The Prince (2014)

You seen the first Taken film? This is basically a remake, but set in some alternative America where large posh hotels can get shot to wank on a sunny afternoon and no one thinks to call the police. Silly sausages, the police are normally quite interested in all the crime stuff.


25/08/14 Lucas Booth: Journey To Unknown (2009)

A documentary maker interviews people about the disappearance of a fictional horror film director back in the '70s.

No one interviewed seems to have anything interesting to say, even if they all act convincingly.

At the end of the film they attempt to tack-on some pointless twiat suggestive of possible supernatural goings on. Doesn't make the film any more interesting.


Sunday, 24 August 2014

23/08/14 Armed Response (2013)



23/08/14 Proxy (2013)

Some of this film is excellent, some of it is frustrating, pointless shit that thinks it's more interesting and important than it is. A bit like life.


22/08/14 Coherence (2013)

A group of the whitest people ever put in front of a camera have a dinner party and accidentally piss about with parallel dimensions and physics and a comet and shit like that.

Not a single person you won't want to punch, but still manages to be pretty good.


21/08/14 To The Devil A Daughter (1976)

A fifteen year old nun gets up the duff from the Devil or somesuch. Dunno, I was tired and it was on late.

Christopher Lee really isn't that good, he's just been around a long, long time. As a youth he witnessed France's last ever public execution by guillotine.


21/08/14 The Possession Of Michael King (2014)

A youngish documentary maker's wife dies. As a committed, even enthusiastic, atheist he believes her journey to have been an entirely flesh based one with no afterlife to progress on to.
Just to make sure, he decides to dabble with the dark areas of spirituality, inviting demon wranglers to do their best. Predictably enough, it goes bollock-shaped and he becomes the organic host to some otherworldly nastiness.

Possession flicks aren't exactly short on the ground these days, but this is very good. Well scripted, well acted, spooky and, er, possession-y.


21/08/14 The Extendables (2014)

I wanted this to be funny.



20/08/14 Pro Wrestlers Vs Zombies (2014)

I now know that American wrestling is 100% legitimate and all accusations of acting are groundless and unfair. How did I come to this conclusion? Well this film is made up of professional wrestlers playing themselves and they fail to pull that off convincingly, so I can only assume the ring theatrics are born of authenticity.

Yup, the film's shit. I watched it mostly 'cos Roddy Piper, so brilliant in They Live, is in it. As shit as it may be, it does have an honesty -it's crap, camp nonsense and doesn't pretend to be anything else- that films with a thousand times the budget, generous shooting schedules, actual actors and a script, never will. I'd rather watch this than the next Avengers film.

So yeah, it's shit but honest.

"I am a wrestler, my opponent for this match is wall!"

"What do you think, Darling, Italy next Summer? The south western coast is a delight in July"

"I am a wrestler, I lost my last fight against wall. My comeback match is against new opponent, Mud."

"Hi! Welcome to Croydon Nando's. Our special today is arm."


Saturday, 23 August 2014

20/08/14 The Den (2013)

A woman gets paid to do a study about some chat roulette style website. She sees someone get murdered on a webcam and then it all goes a bit Pete Tong.


19/08/14 The Sacrament (2013)

Film version of the Jonestown thing even though Ti West, the writer/director, has claimed the story is unrelated to any actual people or events. Considering some of the dialogue is near verbatim to speeches given by Jim Jones and 900 people died, a third of which were children, that makes Mr West a bit of a cunt in my book.

Still, excellent film though and Gene Jones (I'll hazard a guess at saying no relation to Jimbo) is bloody superb playing the leader of the settlement of glassy-eyed nutbags.


Thinking about it, I might start a commune/cult. None of this wacky death pact nonsense, just everyone sitting around doing sex and Playstation games.

Monday, 18 August 2014

17/08/14 Good Morning Vietnam (1987)

Anyone who reads this shit is likely to be aware that Robin Williams killed himself this week, allowing newspaper columnists a great opportunity to declare their (previously unmentioned) lifelong fanship, filling their articles with Twitter quotes from people who once spent some time in the man's company and TV channels to fill their schedules with whatever films of his they have the broadcast rights to.

Seemed like a nice guy, but I never met him myself so I dunno. As for the film, it's pretty woolly, undemanding stuff but it does take an admirable, defiantly neutral position, presenting everyone involved in the war as equally flawed and human. Excellent soundtrack as well.


17/08/14 Shallow Ground (2004)

Although shabby round the edges, there's a superb idea for a horror film here. Some of the acting is wonky and the final 30 minutes drag a little, but the central plot is ace.

I can't really say too much as it would give away the main developments, but it starts with a naked young fella walking into a police station covered in blood then gets stranger.

Damn cool poster, too.


17/08/14 The Calling (2014)

A small town murder mystery that doesn't give you any clues as to who the serial killer may be.

Until the extremely odd, out-of-place, gangly strange fellow turns up and says creepy things.

Also, Susan Sarandon, 67? Yup, still would.


16/08/14 Total Recall (2012)

When the original Total Recall came out 24 years ago I tried watching it three times. I fell asleep each time. An ironically resolute title for a film with such powerfully narcoleptic effects.
Assembling a mental composite from my three attempted viewings, I decided it was shit. I finally saw it again about fifteen years later and confirmed it.

This one's a bit better. But still a bit shit.


15/08/14 The Apparition (2012)

History's most cinematically bland couple get haunted by some kind of demonic potato that's stuck to the ceiling and occasionally swallows women.


Wednesday, 13 August 2014

13/08/14 The Reckoning (2014)

Australian crime thriller involving a dead teenage girl, her sister's quest for revenge, drug dealers and bent coppers.

And probably koalas, drinking, utes, kangaroos and racism.


11/08/14 At The Devil's Door (2014)

Starts off like a predictable, formula spooky house story, then, about thirty minutes in it starts throwing up surprises and turns into something much better than expected. Doesn't go into the lazy splatter horror that the beginning suggests, instead putting some effort in and developing a nice creepy tension.
The scene where the entity first reveals itself is particularly eerie.

Worth a go if you like spookflicks.


11/08/14 Films Of Fury: The Kung Fu Movie (2011)

A documentary about gardening.


11/08/14 Gommorrah (2008)

Fucking hell, Naples looks like a right shit hole.

The next Godzilla film is the one where he fights the giant Italian child in his pants.


09/08/14 The Inbetweeners 2 (2014)

The TV series was great for the first two series, shite for the third, then the first film managed to recapture some of the fun. This was like the third series.

We watched this in possibly the world's most middle-class cinema. Top of their snack board list was 'Hummus with a warm flatbread'. In an act of class rebellion, I bought a large popcorn and a fizzy pop. Sure I picked up a slight look of elitist disgust from the cashier. They can put their pretentious food stuffs in the boot of their Range Rovers and drive them up each others arses.


09/08/14 Prowl (2010)

Some young people dumb enough to trust a lorry driver get eaten by half-arsed vampires.

Come on, we all know the score. Trust a lorry driver and you'll die, it's only the method of dispatch that varies.

I was in a bank about a year ago, a lorry driver was in there applying for a loan. Instead of pretending to be a normal, financially responsible person like most of us do during such applications, he was talking with great enthusiasm about his rifle and its "half mile kill distance".

Anyway, yeah, the film's alright. Better than many low budget horror efforts.


09/08/14 Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery (1997)

You've probably seen this. Must have been in a good mood, as we were quite chuckled by its silliness.


08/08/14 5 Senses Of Fear (2013)

Five mini-horrors, each one based around one of the five main senses.

The first one, 'Smell' is enjoyable and splatty. The middle three: Sight, Touch and Taste are all pretty average but the final one, Listen, is ace. A slightly bonkers found footage style effort about a bunch of young fellas in an editing suite listening to a song that induces violent madness. Repeated listens seems to increase the severity of the lunacy, turning people into manic savages. A kinda '28 Plays Later' if you will.

Having said that, if I was forced to listen to Capital Radio, Radio 1, Heart FM or any of that shit for prolonged periods, I'd probably be inclined to gouge peoples arms out and kick off their kneecaps. Awful shit that reassures musically undemanding people that they're still terrible humans.
Ranging between 2-8/10


07/08/14 Road To Paloma (2014)

A large muscular man meets another man in an alley so they decide to put on leather trousers and cruise together.

Expecting this to be a tedious vanity piece for the director/star, it was actually better than we thought it would be. The landscape shots in particular are lovely and landscapey.

Although the end is a big pile of  'Eh?'


Wednesday, 6 August 2014

05/08/14 The Lookout (2012)

French film about some police and a sniper and a sex-case doctor. Pretty good. Bonjour.


05/08/14 The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

Film tries to make a point about the poor being disposable tools of the rich. Film fails miserably. First one was shit as well.


04/08/14 Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes (2014)

Enjoyed the first one so I had high hopes. Disappointed.

Humans find some monkeys. Various fights between people and chimps. Ends.


04/08/14 Fading Gigolo (2013)

Tedious ballache about self-absorbed knobbers.

"And then I fucked my daughter"

"Lol. You weird little cunt."


03/08/14 Sweetwater (2013)

Humourless but good looking and well acted western.

Jason Issacs plays Ol' Bonkers McPhee (or something) a wealthy, land owning preacher who hides a darker side. This is made clear at the start of the film when he stabs someone to death with a massive knife whilst babbling on about The Bible or somesuch.

He also kills the lovely humble farmer chap who lives next door so Mrs Humblechap solves everything with guns.

It is kinda cool to see a woman take the wronged/revenge role that's normally exclusively male, and do a good job of it.

Yeah, if you like westerns, this is definitely one of the better recent ones.


03/08/14 The Trailer Park Boys: Don't Legalize It (2014)

We really enjoyed the TV show, however the films have all been bumular. Not terrible, just somehow weaker when in the longer format. Watch the show, that's great fun.

02/08/14 The Inbetweeners Movie (2011)

Four far-too-believable idiots go on holiday.


02/08/14 Final Destination 5 (2011)

Have you seen any of the others in this series of films? Same as that. Second one's the best. Embarrassing to admit, but the 'Final' films do have a sense of creative fun that elevates them above most teen horror films.


02/08/14 She Creature (2001)

A ropey early 1900s freak show kidnap a mermaid. The decide to take her on a long boat ride. The mermaid gets a bit bitey. Lovely boobs for a fish-woman. Ace monster effects.


01/08/14 Locke (2013)

Tom Hardy Drives to London and makes some phone calls.

It's like a really, really boring film that manages not to be boring.


01/08/14 We Are What We Are (2013)

Once again I've been slack in updating this pointless, barely read twaddle.

Anyway, Yank remake of a Mexican film. Like Cold In July (which I can't be bollocksed to go back and review now) it was made by Jim Mickle and Nick Damici who were responsible for Mulberry Street and Stakeland which are both cracking low budget horror films. Mulberry Street is doubly impressive as it managed to make a plot about zombie rat people a lot better than you'd think it'd be.

Anyway, the plot for this film is:

"What's for dinner, dad?"


Nom nom nom nom.

Also, here is a picture of a piglet dressed as Elvis that I saw on the interweblia networks