Tuesday, 30 April 2013

30/04/13 The Lake House (2006)

Predictable (but embarrassingly watchable) film about Keanu Billnted and Sandra Bollock* sending letters to each other back and forth through time. The house of the title is a place where they've both lived, and serves as the dimensional portal for their magic correspondence.

Well, it's not the house, more the postbox on the driveway, but a film called The Magic Postbox would sound silly.

I wonder if Keanu writes his letters using crayons?

I know kung fu.

The film contains the world's most obvious twist and is seemingly set in a world where the giant, obvious internet solution to their strange relationship doesn't exist.



*Yes, that mature.

29/04/13 The Invasion (2007)

Nicolas Kidwoman and Daniel Woodbond play people who wear shoes and have hair. There's an invading virus that turns them into alien types if they sleep and whatnot, somehow leaving them with even less personality.

Loose remake of Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. Watch the original instead, it's great, this is tepid. Like an unsatisfactory pudding.

The director also made the 2008 film Five Minutes of Heaven, that is also well worth a watch.



Monday, 29 April 2013

29/04/13 Maniac (2012)

Elijah Wood, angry little fellow with a knife. Cuts ladies hair without asking first. Chums with an unconvincing French hipster. The POV stuff is gimmicky. Film boring. Shit ending.

Shit for the whole thing, actually.



28/04/13 The Lords Of Salem (2012)

The Lords of Salem? More like the Bishops of Bollocks.



Sunday, 28 April 2013

27/04/13 The Last Stand (2013)

65yr old Arnold Schwarzenegger makes his unwanted return to films playing the sheriff in a small desert town who has to struggle with his creaks and groans and get back on form to fight off some drug-baddies who are passing through.

Yes, you could say this is the movie where Arnie spends 100 minutes polishing his rusty sheriff's badge.

Arple! Fnibb!

Anyway, it also has other people, explosions, lots of exclamation gear changes (when someone's driving a car and they change gear, for no reason other than to emphasise a point) a few jokes that work, massive flaws in logic and reminds us that there are no problems that cannot be solved with guns.

If there wasn't such a thing as weapon preparation montage scenes, I think popular American cinema would only have about five hours of film recorded in the last thirty years.


"If you've recently created a hybrid of Nicolas Cage, John Travolta and Steve Buscemi, point to him now!"

Last Of The Summer Wine. Suicide pact finale. Many viewers surprised.

"If we go this way, we can stop here for ice cream!"

Niche smut presents: Basket fisting.

One of the 874 gear changes you can enjoy in this film. *Belms*

An everyday American going peacefully about his business.

"Are you laughing at my body fluid cleanup kit? I'm 65, my arse has packed up."

This guy wasn't in the film, he was in a documentary we watched recently. Just look at his name.


27/04/13 Resolution (2012)

Two fellas in a shed, start to realise they're in a film or something. One has a beard and drugs, the other wanders off to look in a cave. People online are claiming this is great, it's boring.



Friday, 26 April 2013

26/04/13 Devils Of War (2013)

Four terrible actors are dropped behind enemy lines in Poland where they have to infiltrate a secret Nazi occult bunker which is being used to create a satanic super soldier.

The film goes for that 'camp and culty' look, it falls short succeeding only in the 'shit and bollocks' look.

Total arse.



25/04/13 Natural Born Killers (1994)

Massively controversial when it came out, banned/heavily cut over here in Blighty.  Certainly not tame looking now, but hard to see the big hoo-ha.

Blah, blah, blah, comment on the media etc., it's actually all a bit half-bum.



23/04/13 Would You Rather (2012)

Completely cheerless, but good, film about a woman with a poorly sibling who gets invited to dinner at a rich fellow's house.

He's also invited some other people, offering them the chance to win money if they play his twisted variation on a party game. Most of them die, then there's a rubbish twist and it ends.



Monday, 22 April 2013

22/04/2013 It's In The Blood (2012)

Estranged father and son are trapped in the woods after father breaks his leg and flashbacks attempt to unravel what happened in the past to his adopted daughter/boy's sister.  There's a creature in the woods but it's unclear if it's real or symbolic. Could have been good but there's too much unrealistic behaviour, for example the son deciding they'll just become forest dwellers instead of immediately attempting to get back to the car to get help. Lance Henriksen just seems too comfortable and content to sit around with an exposed bone poking out his leg.




21/04/13 The Cloth (2012)

Low(ish) budget semi-horror/comedy that does a Men In Black thing but with supernatural stuffs instead of aliens. Crap but probably alright if you're in the mood for it, we wasn't. I was going to make some joke about touching cloth, but can't be bollocksed, shape it yourself. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2088923/ 4.5/10

Sunday, 21 April 2013

20/04/2013 May I Kill U? (2012)

Unfunny comedy about a vigilante cop. Meh.




20/04/2013 Jack Reacher (2012)

"Reacher is 6'5" tall (1.96 m) with a 50-inch chest, and weighing between 220 and 250 pounds (100–115 kg). He has ice-blue eyes and dirty blond hair."  Therein lies the first problem with this film as Tom Cruise is a renowned midget with dark hair.

Horrific miscasting aside, the film is average at best, largely unengaging and too long by 40 minutes. Rosamund Pike's boobs are quite impressive though.


"What did you call me?! Oh..CONE"


19/04/2013 A Thousand Cuts (2012)

What started as what we expected to be run of the mill cable TV fodder turned out to be a well acted decent effort.  A cocky in demand director is approached by a man with a grievance.  Well worth a look and another example of a small cast, one location film which works well.




Friday, 19 April 2013

18/04/13 The Hounds (2011)

About as much fun as a frozen piss lollipop.

92 minutes of bored that involved some people who appear to have never even driven past an actor, going into the woods whilst something involving men with stubble also happens. Should be sealed in a symbolic concrete arse for eternity.


"My tiny hands make this glass look huge. Can I borrow your hair?"

"Yeah, bitch! Fuck wit me, I pop a cap in yo ass!"

Possibly me watching this film.

"Gary, my eyes have disappeared!"
"Don't worry, Jennifer Massive-eyes has a cameo coming up, she can lend you some."

"Hello. Jennifer Massive-eyes talking."


17/04/13 Battledogs (2013)




15/04/13 My Brother The Devil (2012)

Ed Miliband makes a phone call that gets someone stabbed and turns his brother gay.





Monday, 15 April 2013

14/04/13 New Jack City (1991)

I saw this in the cinema 22 years ago. At the time I thought it was good. I was obviously a fucking belmer back then. This film is a a pyramid of awful.

I would love to list the things that are wrong with this, as there are so many, but I haven't got time. A brief summary of the faults are:

The acting.
The plot.
The everything else.



14/04/13 Before Dawn (2012)

Sombre zombie film (Sombie film?) about a couple on the brink of divorce who think that a weekend away, so they can argue in a different location, might help patch up their faltering marriage.

From what I can tell, everyone who's in this is, or has been, in Emmerdale (for any non-Brits, Emmerdale is a TV show that's been running for 700 years about some people in the countryside who go to the pub). While we were watching this, it occurred to me that if this was on TV and someone tuned in unaware that it was a graphic horror film, they might end up thinking something's gone really tits-up down The Woolpack.

The low budget is occasionally evident, it's completely void of humour and doesn't actually feature many zombies but it's a decent, very independent effort, the gore/effects are excellent, and builds up to a pleasingly nasty ending .

And has a zombie nan. A nambie?



13/04/13 Mischief (1985)

Some teenagers try and get laid and stuff. Made in the '80s, set in the '50s, timelessly boring.



10/04/13 Sexy Evil Genius (2013)

Three people are invited to a bar by the ex-girlfriend they all have in common. They share stories about their time with her and come to the conclusion that she was enigmatic, alluring and bonkers. Then she turns up with her new manchap, who it turns out was her defence lawyer in a murder charge. She claims to have gathered them all together as they were all significant figures in her life, and she wanted to share the moment with them as she announces that her and the lawyer are going to get married.

Obviously though, things aren't as simple as they seem, scores are settled and the past is confronted.

The ex is played by Katee Sackhoff who does a great job of being enigmatic, alluring and bonkers. The small cast are all superb, but Sackhoff really nails it turning an enjoyable film into an excellent one. Well shot, great dialogue and humour that works. Flippin' ace.



Wednesday, 10 April 2013

09/04/13 Elite Squad (2007)

Film about some cops in Croydon* that isn't quite as good as the sequel which we watched first, like a pair of continuity renegades, a few days ago.

*Rio, same thing.



08/04/13 Dark Skies (2013)

"We are a nation of cogs"

Which is a quote that has nothing to do with this film. I had a nap when I got in from work (early shifts starting at 5.30am are still a bastard and I've been doing them for six years) I had a dream during my nap and this line is all I can remember from it. Just thought I'd share that with you.

Anyway... This film is completely unrelated to the enjoyable TV show from a few years ago and it's about a family of pink humanoids who move into a domestibox upon which strange things occur.

At first you think it's gonna be yer standard spooky haunted house number, but it turns out it's a bunch of aliens who seem worryingly focused on abducting children. Basically a bunch of nocturnal space-paedos.

Ignore the hot mum and bring forth the piglet-child? Fucking cosmo-nonce.

The film has flaws, some unintentional hilarity and some plot holes big enough to insert a hippo, but it's also enjoyable and has a couple of effectospook moments.

And also, Thatcher died today, so it hasn't been too bad, all in all.



Sunday, 7 April 2013

07/04/2013 Pawn (2013)

And not Porn.  Or Prawn.  Cop skull duggery sees 3 Brits led by Michael Chiklis (doing a passable English accent) hold up and take hostages in an all night diner in what turns out to be not a straightforward robbery.  All night diners appear to be taking over from motels as Places Where Horrible Things Will Definitely Happen.

Anyhoo, it's watchable but nothing outstanding.




06/04/13 Cool As Ice (1991)

Vanilla Ice (born Robert Chocolate-Sundae) was an embarrassing noise-monkey who was hugely, inexplicably popular for twenty  minutes in the very early '90s.

Milking the cash pipette for whatever drops were left, some entertainment clowns decided to make this film at the tail-end of his afternoon in the spotlight.

The plot goes along the lines of: Ice does a song in a hall where people suffering from a lack of gravity spin around for eight minutes then Ice and his three rented black chums get on their motorbikes and ride off. One of the bikes breaks down in a small town so they end up staying there while it's fixed. Ice decides to woo a local young woman by knocking her off a horse and talking babble about never trying to impress anyone. There is a sub-plot which is suspiciously similar to David Cronenberg's (excellent) A History of Violence. Mister Vanilla's 1.5 actually remembered songs are notably absent, although he does perform a few others that sound like background noise for a tampon advert. 

Ice is not a natural actor.

Or singer, come to that.

As a film measured by any traditional expectations, it fails on every level. However, it is very, very enjoyable.

Also, the fashion in that brief 80s/90s crossover period was truly terrible. Like someone had fed a factory of slaves tubs of neon paint then forced them to shit out a mess of day-glo awfulness onto sheets of fabric which were then shaped into trousers.

1/10 or 10/10, depending on what you're after.

Here are some pictures from a best forgotten time:

"This apple tastes of plastic and hands."

"Gary, can we stop? I need a poo and I don't like yellow any more."

"Hello Mister Tree. You are tiny like my grandma"
*Director* "It's in the distance, you belmer."

Considerably higher than his last chart entry.

Ice's warm up act, 'Ol' Tweed Dog'

Feat. MC Phat Roller & The AK-47 Krew

"Fish Council, I come to you with my problems"

"I like yellow again look!"

"His head has gone tiny. I'm scared!"
"Shut up, you thundering cretin."
"Can we have crayons for tea?"
*Sighs* "Yes."

To look into his eyes is to know death.

Clothing, a grim reminder of our history.