Monday, 30 November 2015

Flutter (2011)

A compulsive gambler meets a woman who might be the devil and gets him to make bets like living in his bathroom for a week, adopting a few extra ears and other such nonsense.

This could've been a fun film but it's let down by the fact that it's bumwash and we watched it. Pretend it's good and that you've already seen it or something, that'll be better.


30/11/15 Hellraiser 3 (1992)

I love the first Hellraiser. Some of it has aged badly, and the acting is creaky in parts, but when Pinny & The Cenobites (still my name of choice for a band) turn up it's flippin' ace.

However, rule of diminishing returns and all that, by time this third one rolled out, they were scraping the arse of the barrel.
A nightclub owner buys some fancy decorative furniture that -somehow- contains the cenobites and blah, blah, blah.

Pinhead is the leader of the demonic, fleash-tearing, reaping cenobites, he's known as 'The Pope of Hell'. An immensley powerful, evil entity who, almost literally, feeds on the souls of those who summon him. So it was a bit of a let down to see him spend the first third of this film essentially being a table in some bollocks nightclub.

Also, just thought, I might open a cafe called CENO BITES.

Nah, I won't.


29/11/150 Criminal Activities (2015)

(Yeah, couldn't be bollocksed, furniture/computer rearranging and being busy doing dull stuff has left 'Plop a little empty lately. Here's the fill-ins and what we've watched so far this month)

Hard to know what's less convincing out of the plot, the dialogue or John Travolta's syrup.

I'd love to see him and Nicolas Cage team up again for a sequel to Face/Off and call it Wig/On.

Bet you a million zillion quid it'd be better than either of those two.


27/11/15 Crimson Peak (2015)

Lots of reviews compared this to the classic-era Hammer films, some main characters even have the surname Cushing.

However, the Hammer films were brilliant. Cheap, camp nonsense with loads of blood and cleavage. This is a modern snoozefest with the world's most predictable plot. Yeah, it's got creepy staircases, horsedrawn peasants, massive hats and swooning damsels, but it's missing the fun, the look, the practical effects and the scares of the films it tries to copy.

And the tits.


Friday, 27 November 2015

26/11/15 Heist (2015)

A review I read of this pointed out the massive flaw that that the whole film depends on our acceptance that someone would suggest an almost certainly suicidal crime to a co-worker over a two minute cigarette break at work (it's the first time they've met), and, after seeing the film, it's a pretty fair comment.

However, if your're willing to suspend disbelief to the required level, it's a pretty enjoyable slice of nonsense.


Thursday, 26 November 2015

26/11/15 The Green Inferno (2013)

Little Eli Roth has made a great big movie, all on his own! Isn't he a clever boy? Well done, Eli. Have a biscuit and a gold star to put on your chart.

Right, now fuck off and take your dogshit films with you.
3.5 / 10


25/11/15 Midnight Run (1988)

The one where Jake LaBickle Tried comedy,
Something or other/10


Wednesday, 25 November 2015

24/11/15 Orion: The man who would be King (2015)

Essentially a documentary about an Elvis impersonator.

Historically speaking, nothing in this film is really of significance, I'd never heard of the guy before Mark Kermode mentioned this in his reviews. However it's a surprisingly immersive film that held our attention and is worth watching if you wanna peek into one of the past's more peculiar musical corners.


24/11/15 Are You Being Served? (1977)

Old, cheap, naff twaddle from that era (approximately 1585-1997) when Britain found the word 'bloomers' the absolute apex of hilarity.

Naturally, I laughed more than I will ever admit in person. Let us not speak of this again.

Shut up. At least I'm not kicking babies through windows or anything.
1 billion/10


23/11/15 Prophecy (1979)

Another 1970s film about something going bollock shaped in the eco system. Whereas No Blade Of Grass was an unexpectedly potent film about our terminal exploitation of nature, this one focuses mostly on a giant mutant bear.

Although, like NBOG, it does drop in some surprisingly thoughty stuff about the destruction of natural resources in pursuit of commercial gain and the effects are fun.


23/11/15 No Blade Of Grass (1970)

I'd never heard of this, a 1970 Brit-film, based on a book, about a plant killing disease that spreads across the world, destroying the environment and, due to our dependence on it, then society.

The acting's hammier than David Cameron's cock, the script is frequently terrible, the time-jumping edit is a bit wank, and it's got that casual, unquestioned class/gender thing that seemed to be in most Brit films from that era, as in no one from the lower orders, especially the women, would know what to do until a man with a stern posh accent and proud moustache had made the decisions for them.

Having said all that, I really enjoyed it. The message about the effect our collective greed has on the planet was as delicate as a sledgehammer but still effective, some of the action scenes were impressively done, there was some good jokes thrown in and the 'look' of the film seems to change in alignment with the plot, as things look increasingly bleak for humanity, the visuals seem to mirror the lack of hope, everything at the start is post-hippy colourful and bright, by the end it's wintery shots of moorland and decaying livestock corpses.

It ends up being like a blend of Threads, 28 Days Later and Mad Max. But not as grim as Threads (what is?), there's no zombies and it's not in Australia.


"Nope, just love looking at fannies."

"I'll have a pound of goat mince and two whale chops, please."

From the actual film, not, like, The Fast Show or something.

Hipster connections: Meet hipsters in your area today!

"That was the news. Up next, The Urban Music Hour."

Forever tainted with the Essex boy stigma, the Mk3 Capri makes it easy to forget how stunning the Mk1s were. Seriously, lovely looking motors.

Early appearance by Pointless co-presenter, Richard Osman.

*Up the arse corner*

Biker gangs looked shit in the '70s. Like a bunch of scruffy supply teachers on Hondas.

Pauline Fowler was quite the crumpet in her youth,

"Good evening, welcome to The Urban Music Hour. My guest tonight is Sir Perigrine Fortescue. Better known to most of you under his stage name 'Tweed Killah.'"


--/11/14 Absolutely Anything (2015)

Simon Pegg plays a guy who is chosen by aliens to have unlimited powers, the idea being that his everyman character will decide the planet's fate in how wisely he uses them.

It's not as bad as the critical reception would have you believe, and aside from a few dick jokes it'd make pretty good family viewing.


--/11/15 Two Men In Town (2014)

I didn't see this, Podd did. She said it was well acted but plodding. I trust her judgement, she knows a plodder when she sees one.


--/11/15 400 Days (2015)

Some science folk agree to spend 400 days in a bunker to simulate a manned trip to Mars. They start going a bit funny in the walnut and then, when the 400 days is up, they leave the bunker to discover the world's gone a bit wonky.

Great idea, averagely done.


Saturday, 21 November 2015

20/11/15 The Frozen Ground (2013)

Nicolas Cage plays a cop hunting serial killer John Cusack, reversing their roles in the embarrassingly enjoyable Con Air. Failed to hold my attention really although it's not terrible. Perhaps it would have benefited from one of Cage's captivating bad hairpieces that he has sported in other films.



18/11/15 Tape 13 (2014)

Found footage horror film...

I'm tired of typing that. I think I was the last advocate of the sub-genre, but now even I'm bored wankless by this shitting nonsense.

If you're gonna do a found footage horror, bring something new to the table.

Yet another film student who's apparently suffering some form of biological attachment to their camera, forcing them to continue filming way, way, way past the point when having two free hands would be advantageous in their perilous situation.

Does you camcorder fire bullets or have a bayonet attatched?


Then put it fucking down and hold something that may actually be of use, you soppy twat.

Y'know, like every single actual person in the world would in your situation.

Sitting here thinking about found footage films, I've just had an idea for one, I might film it when I next get a weekend off. It'll be about one minute long and it can't be any worse than this shite.

That'll do.


17/11/15 The Phoenix Incident (2015)

Found footage film about a bunch of youthful fellows who go off into the desert to ride quad bikes, consume energy drinks, call each other 'Bro' and other gnarly young person things.

Thanks, but I will stick to my lemonade and a good book. Bloody kids.

Anyway, this film's USP is basing it around the "real" life mass UFO sightings that occurred in the Phoenix area in 1997. Or thereabouts, can't be bollocksed to look it up at the mo, do it yourself if it's of interest. Although certainly more credible an event than Rendlesham or Roswell, both of which have been used as springboards for numerous films, it's still probably all a load of bumwash.

The film also blends fictitious after-the-event talking heads with actual footage and reactions from the time, which at least makes it more of an interesting composite than most found footage efforts.


--/11/15 Hellions (2015)

Ballsack horror film. Disappointing as it was directed by the fellow who done the rather good Pontypool.


--/11/15 American Ultra (2015)

Whiney arsewit with an encyclopedic collection of neuroses and flaws turns out to be a deactivated/sleeper super agent, like a pot smoking version of Jason Bourne.

No where near as good as the Bourne films which are cocking masterpieces. Apart from the fourth one, where it was that guy with the crumpled face instead of Matt Damon, that one was shite.

Not enough action to be exciting, not enough laughs to be a comedy, it sits in that bland, cinemogenized middle-ground like another fucking terrible Judd Apatow film that are beloved by undemanding, spoon-fed fuckwits who would probably be happy to spend two hours laughing at a fucking grapefruit if they were told to. Dicks.


--/11/15 The Hoarder (2015)

Blimey, even horror films set in self-storage units seem to be a tired, 'done' idea now.

This is another one. Murder, people, storage, hamster, mutants. All the usual.


--/11/15 Circle (2015)

A group of about forty people 'wake up' standing in a large circle without any awareness of how they got there. Each person stands on an illuminated spot. Once every ninety seconds or so, a pulsing column rises from the centre of the circle and shoots out a beam that kills one of the people. Through a process of fatal deduction, they work out that they have the collective power to vote for who gets killed next.
Basically, it's like a version of Fifteen-To-One where Sandi Toksvig murders the contestants.

(Note to self: Find out who to pitch gameshow ideas to on Sky/Channel 5)

Anyway, the whole group of people waking up in a strange place and working out why they're there thing has been done many times now. Best of which (in my humble) is the first Cube film, however this one ain't bad, if it sounds like your sorta thing, you'll probably enjoy it.


--/11/15 Awaiting (2015)

Some twattish, city-boy arsehole develops car trouble whilst out in the sticks and spends the night at a cottage belonging to a seemingly pleasant yokel and his daughter.

Of course, if that was the full plot of the film it'd be very uneventful. The makers were probably aware of that, so they decided to make things a little more interesting with bits of swearing, substance abuse, incest and murder.
That's a bit more like it. Who would wanna watch the first version? Some Tarquin ponce with Audi trouble spending the night under a thatched roof? No thank you!

Anyway, as you may have gathered, the yokel and his daughter aren't as pleasant as initially suggested and it all goes a bit wonky.

I was ready to dismiss it as another forgettable low budget Brit horror, but the last fifteen minutes put some real effort in and, in my humble, redeem it greatly with some actual horror and a great bit of soundtrack 'casting' that sets the mood very well.


--/11/15 Experimenter (2015)

Pseudo-doc feature film about a Stanley Milgram, whose experiments were fascinating insights into human behavior and free will.

Sadly, the modern equivalent would probably be some fucking awful YouTube 'prank' channel.

Or some Buzzfeed style bollocks: 'We put ten unsuspecting members of the public in a conference room then claimed the building was on fire. You'll never guess what happened next. Participant 5's reaction is amazing'.

Fuck this, I'm off to live in a forest.


Wednesday, 11 November 2015

11/11/15 The Hollow (2015)

Blimey, I haven't watched two films in a row with such close titles since my themed VHS evening of Massive Soapy Tits followed by Big Tits Covered In Soap back in '94. Aah, those were the days.

Anyway, in this one, three young sisters, (not Irish, no babies) are terrorised by some supernatural creature in the woods. Not bad for a TV horror film.


10/11/15 The Hallow (2015)

Muddy wood creatures terrorise some Irish people and their infant offspring, O'Baby.

Very good until the last half hour which seemed to loose it's puff and just become people screeching and falling over in the woods whilst the mud-folk sorta scared them a bit.


08/11/15 Uncanny (2015)

Pretty much a cover version of Ex Machina, but not as good and the robot's a chap rather than a ladyborg. Twist is very predictable.

Definitely a decent effort, but (in my humble) Ex Machina is such a great film than one so similar will have to be fantastically good to better it, otherwise it'll sit in its shadow, never to go far. Like a small, modest hamster, next to a really massive fat one that somehow is still brilliant at doing hamster things.


07/11/15 The Faculty (1998)

Podd watched this on TV. I didn't as I had gone to bed. Bastard shift work, often stops me from staying up watching slightly-above-average school-based horror films.


07/11/15 The Quiet Hour (2015)

On paper, this should be just my sorta thing, a bunch of desperate survivors trying to stay alive after Earth has been colonised by massive UFOs who have destroyed nearly everyone/thing. It was just dreary though. Looked good for the budget, but very dull.

Also, if it was on paper, it'd be a book, not a film and this ain't called Book Plop is it? Although I do keep thinking about starting a second blog called Game Plop where I review video games. Probably get even less readers than this old shit. Also thought about doing one called Mind Plop to cover anything else, but what'd be the point? The internet, and real world, has got enough cunts offering their poorly formed opinions as it is.


05/11/15 Creature (1985)

Space nonsense. Monster.

"Been working on your delts, eh? Nice!"

"The name's MoonSabre. Captain Keneth MoonSabre."

"Let me just run that through the supermarket till. Hmm, interesting."

"Nah mate, the carb on the Transit's fucked. Gotta walk everywhere in these wanker suits."

"You ready, Kenneth?"
"Yeah, bitch. Got my 'let's fuck some shit up' jumper on!"

"What's this area known as, Captain?"
"Technical name is 'Ship's Arse'"
"Great, let's go in."


05/11/15 The Mephisto Waltz (1971)

Normally I love films from the '70s about camp, elderly yet sinister piano players who decide to satanically inhabit the body of another man upon their death, however, this one just wasn't up to scratch. Dunno, just wasn't camp, sinister or piano-y enough for me.


04/11/15 The Final Girls (2015)

I expected to hate this, a film about a bunch of contemporary youths getting stuck in an '80s slasher film, but it was cracking good fun. Lots of jokes that actually work, decent performances and even one moment that I found unexpectedly quite touching.
Co-written by Joshua Miller, in one of the '80s best films himself, he was the 'nipper' in Near Dark.  The annoying child who bursts amusingly at the end.

(LOL, nipper, geddit? Aren't I brilliant?!)

Bit of a spoiler, that, if you haven't seen Near Dark. Although if you haven't, you should, it's cocking fantastic. Best vampire film ever made.


02/11/15 The Exorcism f Molly Hartley (2015)

The title tells you everything you need to know. It's not too bad, however, no matter how decent a film about a possessed youth may be, nothing's ever gonna top The Exorcist. Forty years old and still, by far the best film of  its type.

The Last Exorcism is worth a go as well, but otherwise, seen one splash of burning holy water, seen 'em all.