Tuesday, 30 June 2015

30/06/15 7 Minutes (2014)

Film about a bank heist that goes wrong, pretty much told as a series of flashbacks.

Pretty good.

What? You want more? Watch it yerself.

Nah, I'm just a bit tired and I wanna get back to the mission I'm playing on Dying Light. Takes a while to get into it, but once you do it's a cracking good game.

Cheers and whatnot.



29/06/15 Girl House (2014)

The slasher film had pretty much run its course thirty years ago. They never were particularly 'good', but if watched in the appropriate mindset, they could be entertaining. However, by the '90s they had become the most tired of sub-genres, limited, derivative, formulaic and just shite.

Therefore surprised to find myself enjoying this one quite a lot. Not something that'll enter anyone's library of classic films, but much better than many that came before it.

7/10 (When compared to others of its type)


28/06/15 Spies Like Us (1985)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. I saw it about 25 years ago. Seemed to recall it was pretty average.

Podd said it was pretty average.

Why can't world leaders reach agreements as easily, huh?



27/06/15 It's Alive (1974)

Woman gives birth to evil baby. All the usual nonsense.


"Gentlemen, tonight we escape!"

Did people actually understand colours back then?

"I always knew this day would come. Just one more sip of iced piss before we leave."
"Yes, Mr Putin."

"I had everything invested in Play-Doh before the crash in '08. Lost it all, the cot, the toys, even the new pram."

"Doctor? Nah, just love looking at fannies."

"He hasn't called you, has he, Miriam?"
"Be quiet, Desk Owl. He will, I know it."

"I've left you my thumbs and moustache in the will. Everything else can go to charity."
"Thank you, Admiral."


Monday, 29 June 2015

27/06/15 House Of The Devil (2009)

How can you tell that a horror film director is under 40? They set their film in the '80s.

I can't be bothered to go into my whine about how shit that is, and I'm willing to give this one a pass as it's actually half decent.

And it's got Tom Noonan in it. Sounds like a Scottish person telling their grandma to hurry up; "Noo, Nan!"

Also the main character is played by Jocelin Donohoe. Not only good at the acting thing (very good in The Living) but also really quite trouser pleasing.



26/06/15 Charlie's Farm (2014)

This is the 1500th Film Plop. I can't decide if that's a boast or a terrible admission of time wasted. 

As for this film, everyone involved should be sent home without a pudding.

Slasher film set in Australia where everyone seems, for some unlikely reason, to be American. The result is a blend of Friday The 13th and Neighbours. But shitter.



26/06/15 Creep (2014)

Man hires a chap with a video camera to record him. Turns out he might be a bit of a wrong 'un.

Spoiler: He is.



Thursday, 25 June 2015

25/06/15 Indigenous (2014)

currently watching this. So far, it's shit. Pretty much a piss-poor cover version of The Descent (which is brilliant) but for cunts.
If it improves, I'll come back to this. Doubt it will though.



24/06/15 Insidious: Chapter 3 (2015)

Are they're people who actively seek out this sort of shit?

"I wanna go and see a film. I want it to be *like* a horror film, but without any of that scary stuff, or tension, a sense of threat, disturbing imagery, gore, violence and swear words.

However, repetitive, tepid jump-scares framed by a plot that is as clear and bland as a celery flavoured window would be great."

The fact that this will, no doubt, be very successful and make more profit than religion is probably a good indicator of how submissive and bovine a huge number of people's tastes are.

Y'know, the above applies to films from other genres, romantic fluff where Drew Barrymore falls in love with a clog salesman, 'dramas' where George Clooney wears a suit and makes decisions which people listen to, action films where square-jawed millitary folk stoically defend something or other from generic brown/East European enemies... It's all a load of old wank.

Not just films; books, TV shows, food, housing, political consensus, everything seems to aspire to the compromise, the middle ground. The spoon-fed, innofensive, end-goal of beige partial fulfilment.

I'm just typing this nonsense to try and give the impression that I'm somehow more selective in my passions, but it's not true. I live a life as unspectacular as everyone else's, if not more so than most. I watched this fucking rubbish after all.



23/06/15 Poltergeist (2015)

Brand awareness, the enemy of creativity. It means every 10-20 years films that had enough cultural impact to be known, in name, by people who were too young or not yet born when they came out, get a remake shit onto the canvas for a whole new generation to "enjoy".

"The Poltergeist title had good recognition in the 15-25 demographic. If we start filming next week we can go for a June release."

"Dollars Goldberg is producing. Instucting us to drop the menace and make the family as white and bland as possible. He says anything above a 'mild peril' warning will have an impact on the opening weekend take."


"Essentially a photocopy of the original, just dropped in a few iPhones. Apple have agreed product placement. Including them, Chevrolet and the Happy Meal tie-in, production costs already covered."

"What about effects, we gonna go practical like the original?"

"Shit no. CGI in post. Less time, less money."

"Less convincing."

"You're fired."

Or something close to the above. Anyone involved in this production at any level who has used the words "Dark", "Complex", "Reimagining", "Reboot", "Generation" or similar deserve to have their fingers kicked off.

With the exception of Jared Harris' enjoyable performance, this film was every bit as unsatisfying and soft-edged as you'd expect.

Poltergeist is an anagram of Reg's Tit Pole. That would be a much better film.



24/06/15 The Walking Deceased (2015)

Parody of assorted zombie films and, surprisingly, The Walking Dead TV show.
Actually funny-ish. For the first ten minutes. Then it turned into another lame, unamusing, tiresome cup of balls.



22/06/15 Tension (1949)

Film about a chap who's married to a right arsehole. She leaves him for another fella, so he decides to get his revenge by creating a fictional persona and killing the new fella.

His incredible disguise for this crime of passion is taking off his glasses. That's it. Still, worked for Superman. Although Superman didn't go around killing people. Actually, maybe he did, but he was so quick no one managed to see it.


"So, Poseidon, not quite as impressive as your sculptures, eh?"

Good to see a Matt Damon cameo.

"Pointy, Edith Pointy. You?"

"Crivens! I do love me some of this crack!"


22/06/15 Road Wars (2015)

A film by Asylum productions, so if you have an awareness of contemporary shit films, you can prob take a guess on this one without seeing it.

It's like a cover version of Mad Max with bonus zombies but with all the entertaining stuff conveniently removed. Not terrible by the Asylum's standards, and on the strength of the TV show Z Nation, they can do post-apocalyptic zombie stuff very well.

But what's the point of such nonsense if it isn't enjoyable?



21/06/15 Predators (2010)

How can Adrien Brody not be French with that face?

Also, his casting as a battle-hardened, amoral mercenary is quite embarrassing. Even more so is his attempt at a growly, big-boy voice. The French-faced ponce.

Film's also pretty shit, although compared to the Alien Vs Predator films, it's an art-house masterpiece.



21/06/15 Still (2014)

Joyless bleakfest about a man whose son died a year ago. If that's not bad enough, he's fallen out with the local hoodies, he's developing a serious booze problem and his best friend is ginger.



Saturday, 20 June 2015

19/06/15 The Score (2001)

Bobbins Deniriocheerio plays Fingers DeCat*, an ageing, high-end burgular who wants to pull one more big score to sort himself out for life with a tasty six million pay day. Just so happens that someone has recently brought into town a big golden stick that's worth about a zillion quid. He decides to have a crack at stealing it. Just as well or the film would be pointless and probably called 'Big golden pole, man doesn't want it'.


*Or something.



19/06/15 Vendetta (2015)

Dean Cain gets sent to prison in the first ten minutes of the film. The remaining 80 minutes are people punching each other. Seriously, there seems to be ten punches for every letter of dialogue.

Also, most likely the only time in history a Danny Dyer film with the same name will the better of the two.


Bloke on the right, looks like an angry Bill Bailey.


18/06/15 Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Terribly acted (Charlize Theron being the notable exception), woefully scripted, coiled turd of a film. So many flaws I hardly know where to begin.

The one thing that struck me most though when watching it is how this film and the two Maxs' preceding it are all set in a post apocalyptic world where the remaining supplies of petrol are the world's most valuable commodity and the people that are left have formed into gangs that kill each other for the precious liquid.

Right, fair enough, it has been speculated that the future will bring conflict over energy supplies, so that's not the issue, what did occur to me is that in all of the films, the characters spend their time covering vast distances looking for fuel in massive V8 engined oil-bastards that would be south of 10 MPG on a good day. The self-fulfilling illogicy of it is brilliant:

"We need the petrol for our massive cars so we can take them east!"

"What is to the east?"

"Possibly more petrol."

"What will we do with it?"

"Fill up our cars!"

And so on. I was amused thinking that a more realistic film, instead of having huge, supercharged, giant-engined machines of carnage would have a fleet of Toyota Prius quietly humming across the desert landscape.

Admittedly, rather than the marauding death squads traditional to the 'Max films, it would look more like a procession of dissatisfied Guardian readers on their way to complain about local schooling standards, but much more fuel efficient. The leader would have a suitably Guardian/Mad Max name, probably something like 'Organicus Tofu'. He would be visually striking due to the number of sternly worded Owen Jones articles tattooed across him.  His deputies would include:

Lord of Paine: Reads the work of Thomas Paine to the group's children to ensure they have an understanding of early opinion formers.

Hash-Slash: Ensures the group's pious deeds get maximum exposure through social media and associated 'soft branding'.

Carnage: The one who's a bit muscular due to his grandfather having been a manual worker. Doesn't feel greatly comfortable with it though, so wears oversized, ethically sourced, non-gender-specific, sack-garments.

Lesbonica Outrage: Writes the group's weekly scroll about wimmin's issues within the non-traditional, matricentric framework of post-nuclear communities. Shit tattoos, even by apocalypse standards. Massive pubes.

Fucking hell, as a proud leftie and frequent reader of The Guardian, I feel traitorous having written that. Still, that paper does need a massive kick in the smug, so all's fair.

Oh yeah, anyway, the actual film's shit.


"Prepare my warriors! At dawn we go to war! ...Lunches will be provided."


17/06/15 Tooken (2015)

Parody of the Taken films. Taken 2 and 3  actually do a better job at making the Taken films look like the rediculous nonsense they are.

Hang on, back in a mo.

Just had a look online and, yup, Taken 4 is apparently "possibly going to happen". Taken Four: Even takier. The takiest installment yet. The auto-suggest on my phone came up with this:

That paracetemol thing, that might be the plot,

"I have a very particular set of ailments. If I don't TAKE my medication when advised, I may become irritable or develop loose bowel movements. Warning, film may cause drowsiness."

That wasn't very funny, but neither is this film. At all.



17/06/15 Death Wish 2 (1982)

Say what you want about the Death Wish films, but that won't change the fact that they're terrible shit. Of course there's great satisfaction in seeing rapists and murderers getting mashed in the face-meat, but when the film uses the rape and murder scenes, particularly the rape scenes, as an excuse for titillation, it kinda forgoes any moral high ground.

Still, this film's over thirty years old so I imagine people have already realised that it isn't very good. Also it was directed Michael Winner, not a man who seemed to be greatly troubled by issues of vulgarity during his life. Although the bit on that chat show when he called the right winger complaining about gay people a soppy cunt was great.

Also, what the bollocks does my opinion about any of the above matter? I tap out this tedious nonsense, when I can be bothered, knowing that none of it has any real point and will be forgotten as quickly as it's read.

Which is kinda comparable to the Death Wish films, thus the circle is complete, balance is found and all is well. Hail Buddah



17/06/15 Elephant Song (2014)

Set in a psychiatric hospital in the '60s, a mind doctor asks a patient if he's got any idea where a missing member of staff is.

The acting is top-level stuff, Xavier Dolan who plays the patient is exceptional. Reminded me that occasionally it's good to watch a really decent film as opposed to all the usual piffle we endure.



--/06/15 Layer Cake (2004)

Good enough crime film that, for some reason, was considered a near-masterpiece when it came out, instead of the half-decent effort it is. Daniel Craig once again proves that he was raised in the wild by trees.

As he's so fucking wooden.

Just in case the joke wasn't obvious.



--/06/15 Dumb And Dumber (1994)

Sequel's funnier. This is pretty lame.



--/06/15 In Bruges (2008)

This film's great. If you haven't seen it, you should. If you have then you will agree, if you don't you're a stupid fat testicle face.



--/06/15 The Stranger (2014)

Man shows up in a small town looking for his ex. She's dead. He's a shit vampire. Film bimbles on for a while. Ends.



--/06/15 The Gunman (2015)

Sean Penn plays a former specialist black ops fellow with a neurological fault who's investigating his previous organisation after events from his past come back to bite him on the todger. Had the feeling it might have been inspired by a different series of films but can't remember which.
Also can't remember Penn's character name, think it was Bason Journe, or something.



--/06/15 Sin City: A Dame To Kill For (2014)

The first film worked well, the use of colours and framing really was like seeing a comic come to life. It was a long film but its visual uniqueness (at the time, copied frequently since) held your interest. Some parts were less entertaining than others, but all very memorable.

The sequel is a short film that felt much longer, almost a decade after the first, its style seems dated and cheap, the plot is tired and the acting dull. It says a lot that, whilst the film was playing, we spent about twenty minutes looking up the Tucker 48 that appears in the film to see if they used a genuine one. They didn't.

Apparently the original Tucker was to have a 9.7litre six-cylinder engine that produced a laughable 200bhp. 

When your children ask why all the people died in the big oil wars during the "before times", you can show them a picture of a Tucker and say "Pretty much this. Now eat your gravel, you have to be strong for your nineteen hour shift at the synthetic organ farm. Praise to the Emperor!"

Great looking cars though.



--/06/15 Star Leaf (2015)

Three young people go off into woods to find some magic space weed. They then get chased by aliens or hallucinate it or something. Low budget filler. Script's better than most films of its type. Acting, too.
Also some side plot about guilt over being a participant in war or something. Dunno, got a bit lost on that bit.


--/06/15 Hot Fuzz (2007)

As with Fargo, we enjoyed this more this time round. Dunno, we must've been in a forgiving mood or something.



--/06/15 Fargo (1996)

We had both seen this years ago and didn't like it. Last year's TV series based around the film was, however, rather ace, so we decided to watch this again.

Much like hairlines, sexual vitality, ability to drink cider, going out late and general enthusiasm for anything, taste in films can change as you get older. This time round we actually enjoyed this. Still think the Coen brothers are generally a bit wank though.



Tuesday, 9 June 2015

09/09/15 Devil's Mile (2015)

Above average spooky road movie that could have finished much better if it cut off ten minutes at the end. Specifically the scene when the van driver gets out.

Still got that rare thing of being a modern horror film that has genuinely creepy moments.


Actually called 'American Ghost Story' over here. For some reason.


Anyway, more importantly, if an old chum reads this:


08/06/15 Darkest Day (2015)

The CGI and practical effects in this mini-budget, genuinely amateur effort are very, very impressive. The scenes with the 28 Days Later style infected/zombies are well done.

The script is fucking painful and the acting wouldn't even cut the mustard in a Crimewatch reconstruction.

So if you watch this you'll spend equal amounts of time nodding approvingly and cupping your senses hoping that the awfulness will end.

5/10 (I guess, in balance)


07/06/15 Falcon Rising (2014)

If you enjoy generic, action B-Movies. This one ain't such a bad effort.



07/06/15 Closer To God (2014)

American brainy man uses clone technology to create a science baby.

The American bible people are disappointed and unusually vocal in their objections. Unlike them.



07/06/15 Terms And Conditions May Apply (2013)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. She said it was good.