Sunday, 23 September 2012

21/09/2011 Harold's Going Stiff (2011)

The third film in our Brit trio was by far the best, and the one which most sounds like a porn film. An original take on the zombie theme is done in a fly on the wall style following a nurse helping an old fella with Onset Rigor Disease, in short men are suffering from a disease that sends them stiff (no sniggering at the back) and, eventually, violent.  The film is said to have a Shane Meadows vibe and it is easy to see why.  Originality, great acting, humour and a touching side story of the friendship between the nurse and Harold make this one to seek out.



21/09/2012 Gangsters, Guns & Zombies (2012)

Expectations were low for this one but it actually turned out to be quite good fun.  A group of unlikely crims are fleeing a bank robbery during a zombie uprising (what are the chances, eh) hampered by their shot mate, not knowing/trusting each other very much and, at times, being a  bit dodgy at acting.  Still, there are a few laughs and unlike many Brit films of its type it doesn't feature rent-a-monkey Danny Dyer.



21/09/2012 A Night In The Woods (2011)

Tedious Brit found footage film which shows promise with a Blair Witch lite build up, but soon descends into a big pile of meh, which is increased by three annoying unsympathetic characters (whose motives for going camping in shite weather in the first place is unexplained) and a boring soap opera sub-plot about their "relationships". The Dartmoor scenery is worth seeing but alas the film is not.



Thursday, 20 September 2012

20/09/12 Red Lights (2012)

Sigourney Ripley and Cillian Murphy play a pair of spook-swats who investigate assorted Doris Stokers, king of whom is Bobby DeNiro's Simon Silver. It's also got Toby Jones, a cracking actor who would look natural sitting next to a garden pond with a fishing rod. Seeing him made me wanna watch The Mist again. Bloody ace that is. We've got the Blu-Ray, but it's gone missing. Perhaps Murphy and Weaver could investigate its disappearance?

Anyway, Red Lights is good for the first 90 minutes, then flushes itself down the shitpipe with a really bollocks ending. Ho hum.



Tuesday, 18 September 2012

18/09/12 And Now The Screaming Starts (1973)

Peter Cushing was great, even when the film he was in wasn't, he always was.


18/09/12 I know What I Saw (2009)

Feature length documentary which I'll include as it contains a lot of fiction.

After viewing this, I indeed know what I saw. I admit it wasn't the usual blend of inbreds and flakes claiming they got bum-pregnant after being fondled by an alien, but for every compelling case put forward there's another that sounds like toasted wank.

Also contains the tedious, fucking obligatory appearance by Britains 'favourite' conspiracy gnome, Nick Pope. Fella, you sealed envelopes in a small room, for a short time, fifteen years ago. You're as much of an authority on UFOs as I am on jetpacks. Bellend.


(P.S. My book, '101 Jetpacks' is in shops tommorow.)

17/09/12 The Samaritan (2012)

Samuel L. Jackson gets out of prison, has a rather awkward family reunion then shoots a couple of fellas.


16/09/12 Bait (2012)

A film about a supermarket that gets flooded after a tsunami, which allows a shark in to buy a tin of beans or something, but he then decides to eat the strangely accented cast who all suffer from balance problems and logic deficiency.

I shall be generous and describe this as: fuck-awful shit-porridge.

Thank you.


15/09/12 The Devil's Business (2011)

Two hitmen arrive at a house under instruction to kill the guy who lives there. They sit around talking waiting for him to get home, one of 'em goes for a poo just as he gets back. Timing, eh?

The cast, all four of them, are very good, especially Billy Clarke as Pinner, the elder, experienced hitman. His unblinking 10 minute monologue is flippin' ace, and a great, weighty centrepoint of the film. The majority of the runtime is the verbal exhange between the two hitmen, there is gore and jump scares but they're not over used and the script will hold your attention as it creates a nice creeping tension.

The only weak point is the very end of the film, without giving anything away, it gets, we thought, a little silly. It's a let-down, but a forgivable one as the hour leading up to it was so enjoyable and well made.

Well worth a purchase/rental!



Saturday, 15 September 2012

13/09/2012 L'Anticristo (1974)

When you hear the words "Italian horror film" you know you are in for a special kind of terrible, particularly if they were made between the beginning of time and today.  This is no exception and has the nice touch of not bothering to offer any dubbing or subtitling during the opening crowd scenes.  When the dubbing kicks in it's the baffling type where the Italian actors (I use the word in its broadest and loosest sense) were speaking English and then dubbed over in post-production, usually by somebody with a wildly different speaking voice to the original actor.

From what I could work out, some woman in a wheelchair is a bit of mental and driven even more mental by religious stuffs, and goes off on a bit of killing spree.  Most victims deserve it for their clothing tastes alone.




12/09/2012 Rage of the Yeti (2011)

You can probably infer from the title the budget and quality of this film - low on both counts.  The Yeti effects are laughable poor so it is at least captivating in its terribleness. Shockingly IMDB states it as having an estimated budget of $1.8m. They hid it well.



12/09/2012 Munger Road (2011)

Four idiots decide to wait overnight in their car in an area known for death type things happening to people  at night in cars.  They deserved it.  Being murdered would probably be more entertaining than this film, and certainly more memorable.



11/09/2012 Prometheus (2012)

Snooze inducing and mostly plot-free prequel to the Alien franchise, which is not much related to the Alien franchise until they remember to crowbar in an alien in the closing minutes. Big pile of "what's the point" and Michael F. Assbender looks gay with blonde gay. Noomi Rapace speaks good and everything.  Bah!



10/09/2012 Hot Fuzz (2007)

Disappointing follow up to Sean of the Dead. Has a couple of funny moments but nothing matches the awesomeness of the disposable camera gag in SOTD (a joke which nobody could now realistically do as it doesn't work with an iPhone camera). Anyway, I'm now waffling about a completely different film which I think says a lot about the mehness of this one.  Simon Peg, big city cop, gets posted to a sleepy village. Blah.



Monday, 10 September 2012

08/09/12 Omega Cop (1990)

This started off as a craptacular gem, then it got boring and we turned it off. Just watched the end. Didn't improve. Worth it for the first 40 minutes though.

Anyway, in the future people wear jumpers, drive jeeps, run around a lot and can't act.

Yup. That's him. With his hat and ears and whatnot.

"Yeah, you like that, you boxy tart!"

Yer standard post-apocalypse group of rag-tag survivors. And Rob, the tubby guy in the shirt.

7am: Alarm.
7.15am: Shower and a poo.
7.40am: cocopops.
8am: Apply makeup and wig.
8.25am: leave for work.
9am-5pm: Do evil.

Early role for Kate Moss.

L-R Danny Baker, three other fellas.


Probably an iPad. Fucking Apple cunts.


08/09/12 The Asylum Tapes (2012)

Oliver Stone has made some enjoyable films.* This was co-written and directed by his son. He's probably adopted.


*Actually, looking at the list of his stuff, it's mostly shit. Prob not adopted.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

04/09/12 Manhunter (1986)

Anyone, absolutely anyone who considers Anthony Hopkins pantomime Lector superior to Brian Cox's (Lektor) is a fucking bum-wizard. He only has a few scenes but he elevates an already brilliant film onto a shelf of peerless brilliance.

I was gonna spaff on about why this film is so flippin' great, but it's late so I can't be bollocksed. You should see this film, shouldn't you my man?!


Tuesday, 4 September 2012

02/09/12 Orca (1977)

Hilarrible film about a vengeful killer whale who targets Richard Harris after he jetwashes its baby off his boat and kills Mrs Whale.

The whale appears to be able to start fires, take photos with its eyes and possess an unlikely understandeing of beachfront architecture.

Why are they called killer whales? They eat fish and seals and stuff. Carnivore Whale doesn't sound as exciting.

Also, they look adorable, like Giant Panda/Fish hybrids. But I guess a horror film called 'Panda Fish' wouldn't have really drew the crowds in

"Yonder be Pandafish island!"

"Yippee!" *Splash*

MC Rampling Feat. Squashbaby

"So... It's like a gay version of Jaws?"
"Yeah, pretty much."


Sunday, 2 September 2012

01/09/2012 The Lost Coast Tapes (2012)

An unbearably smug filmmaker pays a remote log cabin dwelling hunter $75,000 to prove he DOESN'T have the body of a dead Sasquatch.  Seems like a lot of money to pay for a hoax but this fact seems to escape the filmmaker, his flakey ex-girlfriend and the two other chumps he drags along to the woods. It's a reasonable effort and the acting is good and natural for a found footage film (although it's possible the actors really are just annoying wankers and flakes in real life) but the ending seems a bit tacked on.  80's sci fi fans may be interested to note that the burly hunter is the guy who played Martin, one of the aliens in the original series of V.



01/09/2012 Grabbers (2012)

Silly horror where a sleepy Irish island is invaded by blood sucking octopus like creatures, think Father Ted Meets Alien.  Being Ireland, it does not take long for it to become apparent that the aliens are intolerent to alcohol so everybody must stay pissed to remain safe. Hurrah!  There's some amusing dialogue, cute baby aliens and the film is good natured entertaining fun. There are also a few nods to well known horrors so one for fans of the genre.



31/08/2012 The Cold Light of Day (2012)

A couple go on a sailing holiday to Spain with their two grown up sons. So far, so believable.  Things take a turn for the unlikely when it transpires dad (Bruce Willis) has been a spy all along, and the family are nabbed by rum CIA goons led by Sigourney Weaver when eldest son Henry Cavill swims off to town one afternoon. Things take a bigger plunge into bollocks territory when Cavill transforms from bratty desk monkey to Jason Bourne in the space of about 20 minutes, and meets the half sister he didn't know he had (spies and their double lives eh).

Anyway, the beginning is ok but my interest waned when Henry started wearing his shirt so the ending is sketchy. Basically he gets shot in the arse, runs around a bit and eventually rescues his mum and brother (Bruce gets shot fairly early on; probably remembered he used to have a career and insisted on a swift rewrite).



30/08/2012 Demon Seed (1977)

Based on a Dean Koontz novel, an AI super computer goes all evil, holds Julie Christie captive in her home and gets her pregnant (the inconvenient biological details ARE a little glossed over) and she subsequently has a gold plated baby.  Sounds rubbish but it's actually fairly entertaining and the "future" technology of the 70's is not quite as laughable as you might expect.

5.5/10 - bonus point for robochild