Saturday, 31 October 2015

31/10/15 Bone Tomahawk (2015)

Currently watching. Might update this when we finish.

Prob won't though, so you're on your own with this one.


31/10/15 Spectre (2015)

This article sums it up:
2hrs 28mins of fucking dullness/10


Also see:

30/10/15 Convenience (2015)

Pair of halfwits hold up a 24hr garage. Pleasingly daft.

30/10/15 Blunt Force Trauma (2015)

A review of this film quoted on Wikipedia "Takes itself much more seriously than viewers will". Nail on the head.


29/10/15 Visions (2015)

Like a really shit cover version of the French film (and Film Plop fave) Inside.


--/10/15 Re-Kill (2015)

Zombie film. More entertaining than some and almost succeeds with the satirical element, but lost interest by the end. Too many repetitive shaky-cam firefights in poorly lit buildings.


--/10/15 Superbob (2015)

Not a bad effort. A Brit film about a super hero who's a bit of a spacker. Not as funny as hoped, but quite endearing.


--/10/15 Curve (2015)

A young lady picks up a hitchhiker, together they crash her car. Even worse, he's a bit funny in the head. Due to being stuck in the upturned car, the woman eats a rat in desperation. Personally I would've checked the glove box for some Polos first.


--/10/15 Tales Of Halloween (2015)

I think I will hand in my horror fan's membership card.


--/10/15 Haunted (1995)

Aidan Quinn plays a man looking for a posh ghost. Kate Beckinsale gets her arse out. And boobs.

Possibly her front-bum as well quickly.

Jolly good.


--/10/15 The Descent (2005)

There's that strange thing where if one of your favourite films comes on TV, you watch it even though you've got a copy of it in the same room and you wouldn't have to tolerate the adverts.

If you haven't seen it, just imagine five women going clubbing in a Croydon basement and you're pretty much on the money.


--/10/15 The Vatican Tapes (2015)

Yay! A possession film! Haven't seen 900 of them for a month or two. Not too bad though, slightly different ending to most of its type.


--/10/15 All Hallow's Eve 2 (2015)

Anthology, you know the sorta thing.


--/10/15 Back To The Future 3 (1990)

It was 'Back To The Future Day' on one of the channels. Saw this one.

If these films were real, Marty McFly would only be 47 now. The films seem to have been around so long that you'd almost expect him to be, like, 85 or something.


--/10/15 Self/Less (2015)

Van Wilder swaps bodies with Ghandi.


--/10/15 Assassin's Game (2015)

Low budget twaddle about some people trying to kill some other people and some lady stuck in the middle of it all who confuses the plot. Tom Sizemore is in this. I remember when he was in proper films. He spends a lot of this one sitting in plastic garden furniture. It's possibly what he received in payment for his role.

The main martial arts bloke seems to have the moves and know what he's doing, even though he also looks a bit like a supply teacher in a vest slapping goons.
Garden furniture/10


--/10/15 Gravy (2015)

Tries to be clever and stuff. Isn't.


--/10/15 Beyond The Reach (2015)

Michael Douglas plays a man with enough money to pay for every whim that tickles him. He goes hunting for an elk or something out of season with a hunting pass (obviously a real thing. He probably keeps it next to his bus pass) that's apparently hard to get hold of.
He drops a bollock by accidentally shooting some old fella and it all goes arse-shaped very quickly.

Certainly entertaining enough, but the end is total bibble and should just shut up and stop being so silly.


--/10/15 Narcopolis (2015)

I think this was pretty good. Must've been drinking or something as I remember cock all about it. Yeah, let's say it was good, why not?


--/10/15 Carry On Abroad (1972)

Visceral wildlife documentary.


--/10/15 Straight Outta Compton (2015)

Ice Cube's son plays his dad in this film. That must be odd.

"Hello, Dad!"

"Hello, Junior Cube."

"I got the job!"

"Nice one! Who you playing?"


"Fuck it up and you don't get any pocket money. Wait, what period?"

"NWA and soon after. When you were the fat one in the world's angriest boy band."

"Oh, that's OK. So you're not playing me in later life?"

"Nope it cuts off before you started making family films with talking bears and stuff like that."

"Jolly good."

Dunno, might've gone like that.


--/10/15 Black Mass (2015)

The film where Johnny Depp has to have a ton of make up to play a man roughly the same age as himself. Flippin' child face.

It's getting lots critics excited even though it's dull as a tree. I think there's some thing going on where if an A-list actor pretends to be working class, it triggers a Pavlovian wanking device and anyone who's paid to tap out opinions on films rushes to join the wordkakke.

It's boring and, even worse, does its best to humanise the story of a right cunt.


--/10/15 Death Proof (2007)

On TV. Watched it again. See previous 'Plops for details.


--/10/15 The Hive (2015)

We watched this three weeks ago, memory's already a bit vague on it. That was the whole reason we started this nonsense is to try and remember the vast number of films we watch.

In years to come, when time has powdered my joints and beflopped my tassle, that I shall be able to look back on the many, many thousands of hours I've wasted watching shit films and think "Yes, my contribution to this world  is almost notable in its underachievement and lack of universal benefit to humankind. However, I did spend many years watching crap films and making cock jokes on the internet."
I will then expire in a damp squib of beige indifference, the world will pause for the briefest of moments to offer a collective shrug of indifference and the prophecy will be complete.

Yeah, from what I recall, this was actually a half decent play on the zombie/infection thing with a bit of sci-fi mind-hopping type stuff also going on.


--/10/15 The Haunting in Connecticut (2009)

A film about a haunted house somewhere in the United States. Not entirely sure where. A bit like that other film The Locationally Indistinct Chainsaw Massacre.


--/10/15 Cooties (2015)

Well hello again!

He types to a very small number of disinterested readers who have probably forgotten about this nonsense Already.

Moved house, had a restricted internet, busy doing stuff, very lazy. Back now.

Anyway, this is what we've been watching since we last 'plopped.

The idea for Cooties, a zombie virus gets released into a school and a small group of teachers have to defend themselves against infected children, sounds like fun.

It's like a comedy where They shot the entire film then edited out the jokes.

Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife.

That joke's ancient, yet still better than this film's absent humor.


Sunday, 4 October 2015

03/10/2015 Ashby (2015)

New kid in town is befriended by an older neighbour (but not in a Savile way) with an interesting past. Highly enjoyable and touching (again, not in a Savile way) film with great performances particularly by Mickey Rourke, Nat Wolff and Sarah Silverman.

A brief one tonight as we are getting ready to move to a new Plop Towers tomorrow. As a result we're going to be offline until later this month until the inteyweb is plumbed in at the new gaff. Laters peeps.



Thursday, 1 October 2015

01/10/15 Belly Of The Beast (2003)

Steven Segal film that's so hilarishit, we're going to 'live plop' it.

This is the masterpiece in question:

Update 1: Breaking into a house for an unknown reason, Stevey does a pointless roly-poly into an empty room, then squints to look around. Like a clumsy, overweight cat or something.

Update 2: Steve briefly speaks Thai. He squeezes his face into an odd shape and sounds strangely like Eric Cartman.

Note: This was just before Stevey started becoming rather, ahem, 'portly'. The title is not related to his waistline.

Commercial break, more soon.

Update 3: For got to mention, also at the start. Steve slides across the floor like a circular superman. It were ace.

Update 4: Steve's gone to a restaurant in his pyjamas. They're blue.

Update 5: Outrageous slow motion shoot out in an abandoned train yard apparently involving every person in Thailand who happens to own a gun. The evil crime boss lady breezes through the centre of it (wearing a strapless cocktail dress) and escapes without a hair out of place in a chauffeur driven Jaguar (the car not the mammal although that couldn't have made it any less plausible). 

Update 6: Unpleasant sex scene between Steve and a Thai lady. Fades to a sea shot before you see his torso or her penis.

Update 7: Been for a poo, desperately hoping I didn't miss any essential plot advancements. 

Update 8: A picture of the great man deep in thought/looking like a satsuma:

Brings to mind the brilliant Barry Norman description of Steve as "A man who looks like he hasn't enjoyed a bowel movement in some time"

Update 9: Steve just punched a woman in the tit. Cad!

Update 10: Turns out it's a bloke. Thailand, eh?

Update 11: Steve just shot an arrow that was flying towards him. Yes.

Update 12: Steve's suffering from a voodoo style assault. Baddie should stick a pin in his appetite. 

Update 13: Another golden face picture. Golden as in that's his colour, not, like, 'golden opportunity' or something considered perfect:

Update 14: Film's now finished, so that pretty much ties this up as well. An entirely pointless variation, 'plopping' a film live as no one really reads this shit at the best of times. Great film though.*

*Terrible cock.


01/10/15 The Goob (2014)

Incredibly indie film about a young fella, Mr Goob of the title, who lives in very rural Norfolk and how he spends a summer after leaving school.

It relies far too much on the slightly pretentious, hipster film thing of being much more interested in mood than story, as such the characters are a little too oblique and you observe them rather than relate to them.

Also, I got a bit cast-confused at one point and didn't know if the blonde woman Goob was talking to was his mum or sister.

Then, realising it's set in rural Norfolk, I figured he probably didn't know either as she may have been both.



Anyway, if you're into hipster films about stock car racing pumpkin farmer redneck folk, this one's for you.