Wednesday, 29 February 2012

29/02/12 Evidence (2011)

A found footage film about some bum-wits who go camping, hear some spooky noises in the woods, get drunk on a thimble of whisky, make massively illogical descisions then spend 15 minutes in a confused mess of ten different films.

Bit of advice, if you ever find yourself being chased by massive death-creatures and you make your way into a house with lockable doors and, potentially, weapons, stay put! Don't follow the example of the fucking sponge-brains in this film and decide to leave and run around squealing whilst carrying a big spotlight to highlight your whereabouts.

I can normally suspend disbelief in such films enough to excuse daft actions, but the cast in this REALLY acted like decision spazzmos and it kinda started ruining it. The final fifteen minutes where the film went from almost plausible (above decisions aside) to eagerly plumping the bollocks-pillow, and ruined it even more. A shame.

During the less exagerrated earlier half of the film, the performances, script and pacing were all on the plus side.

Although what kind of a cock would think making a documentary about his 20-something mate's first camping trip is a worthy subject?

An uncertain 5/10


29/02/12 Maniac Cop (1988)

A family orientated road movie about Buttons the puppy (voiced by Clancy Brown) who one day escapes from the kennels and finds out life on his own is scary, joyful and ultimately full of love. Buttons gets unnoficially adopted by the lightly disfunctional Zanzibar family: Mum-Jennifer Anniston, Dad-Steve Carrell. their twin daughters-played by Dakota Fanning and Betty White, and Grandma-Leonard Cohen.

Buttons endears himself to each member, eventually becoming the shared unifying bond of the family during their trip through the plains and mountain ranges of Croydon and Tooting in south England. One particually heartwarming scene is when Buttons runs amok in Carrell's meth-lab!

There's numerous cameos to be spotted and enjoyed: David Duchovny as the country singer Whitman Bugle, Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the poetry reading cage fighter Gwendoline Prince, Fred Savage as the shellshocked tactical sniper Savage Fred and, of course, Sir Michael Caine as the flute playing, cloven-hoofed Greek diety Pan/Lord of Darkness.

All in all, a heartwarming film for all to enjoy. (Although younger viewers might be a little upset by the prison showers scene.)



29/02/12 Red: Werewolf Hunter (2010)

Not quite terrible film about a descendent of Little Red Riding Hood who kills vampires.

Seen better, seen worse. Seen C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like DVDs in an oven. Time to watch something else.

This has got the always watchable Stephen McHattie as one of the head werewolves. I love his name, it obviously comes from a time in Scottish history when people were named after their clothing choices. If things were different he might have been called:

Stephen McSlippers.
Stephen McGloves
Stephen McHollowedhaggis
Stephen McDressinggown
Stephen McStreaky.

Anywhatever, 4/10


Tuesday, 28 February 2012

28/02/12 Don't Go Near The Park (1981)

A film about a brother and sister who are possibly cursed immortals (details and character backround aren't the films strongpoints. along with everything else.) who drink people's blood to stay young.


The 'acting'. No displays of skill in any traditionally accepted sense, but the uniform cast commitment to 'awful' is greatly enjoyable.

The effects are camply enjoyable and not as terrible as they could've been. Pretty ropey though.

A ten-year-old boy having a mash of an unconcious teenage girls boobs. As wrong as it sounds.

A Rover P6. A highly unusual sight Stateside, but prob not of interest to any non-British people who don't have a tragic passion for vintage motors.

In conclusion, a terrible film, but greatly enjoyable.


                                         That there? That be the P6.


28/02/12 Ban The Sadist Videos! Part 2 (2006)

A good chum recently sent us 'Box Of The Banned: 2' (if you read this, cheers, Mr S!) which is a collection of films previously banned by the utterly spazzmo Video Recordings Act which kept the red tops foamy-mouthed in the '80s.

Similar to Jake West's more recent 'Video Nasties...' documentary, but with a greater emphasis on the BBFC of the era. Both documentaries are excellent and well worth seeking out.

The biggest point of interest is the transformation of one-time BBFC head, James Ferman, from staid, almost prissy moral guardian to liberal champion of viewer choice. Also the documentary does an excellent job of highlighting the political bandwaggoning that any significant public-eye event attracts.

There's even some vintage footage of a pre-ministerial Tony Blair. Or as he's fondly called round here, the right-wing, child mudering cock-sucking motherfucker Tony Blair. Bouffant haired cunt of a man.

Anyway, the documentary is excesplendid.



Monday, 27 February 2012

27/02/12 Black Demons (1991)

A nearly forgotten film that should be fully forgotten. Some people are in a place and blah blah blah, it's total porridge.

                                          Eye poppingly shite.



27/02/12 Once Were Warriors (1994)

The pic of Jake Da Muss in the last 'plop' made me think of how great the film Once Were Warriors is. Also, it's been a run of poorly scoring films on here, so I wanted to mention something unquestionably brilliant.

Special mention must go to Rena Owen, whose performance is peerless. The scene she has outside the pub at the end of the film is a lifetime best for any actor/ Stunningly good.

A massive 10/10


Sunday, 26 February 2012

26/02/12 Snowtown (2011)

Australian film made entirely of grey and capable of inducing narcolepsy.

The expression 'banality of evil' comes to mind, and not just 'cos it secretly contains the word 'anal'. This film focuses on the mundane to the point where it becomes challenging to watch and bordering pretentious.

It's had many positive reviews by critics. This adds to my theory that they're mostly smug cunts.

During the films approximate 184 hour running time, some people get bummed, lots of fags get smoked (cigarettes, you dumb wanker) a guy has a beard and someone who looks like Iggy Pop wears women's clothes.

The film's won The Bruce Dor, The Golden Ute, five Laurel Shrimps and was nominated for a Platinum Cell Block H, amoungst other fictional Aussie awards.



26/02/12 Bordello Death Tales (2009)

Anthology film of three tales, each directed by someone different. As a whole film it's got a suprising amount of nice little ideas and some occasionally witty dialogue which is let down by some seriously patchy acting. Certainly worth a pop if production standards aren't a deal breaker for you.

Some dialogue includes:

"Well, I'll just pop upstairs and wash me cock"

"Quickly! Fist yourself!"

However, most importantly of all, the cinematographer for the first segment, Ripper, is a chap called (seriously) Peter Flatcock.

Awesome surname. Can't decide if it's better than the customer at work called Mr Gayman or not.

Anyway, we give the film 5.5/10

There's a trailer for the middle segment.


25/02/12 Stalker (2010)

Well that's nearly 80 minutes of medocre old spunk we'll never get back.

Annoying woman flounces about in a big house and moans a lot whilst pissing on about some shit novel she's writing.

Any film where the the main character is a photographer or novelist is instantly shit. With a few exceptions.

This one was directed by Martin Kemp. It's really not very good. The 'twist' is a big fecal cornflake anyone with half an eye can spot a mile off.

I know this much is true.

That's probably the trailer. I can't be bollocksed to click it and find out.



Saturday, 25 February 2012

24/02/12 Traveler (2010)

Val Kilmer plays a guy who waddles into a police station and waffles on about killing people. As he does, people die, by suffocation, garden spade, being sliced up and possibly boredom.

What's Val short for? I reckon it's Valerie Kilmer. He has a very wide face these days. Obviously likes a pie.

Quite nicely shot, but gets a bit boring, has some terrible death scenes and a ballbag ending.


                                         Valerie Kilmer's wide head.


Friday, 24 February 2012

23/02/12 Never Play With The Dead (2001)

Never Watch This Film.

Titting hell! Did somebody decide to 'write' a horror film, dip their hands into two buckets of cement and when it got hard start whacking a keyboard with their freshly set concrete mittens?

They then decided it wasn't terrible enough so they chose to include racial stereotypes, piss-poor acting, tectonic pacing and a gash ending that makes no sense?

Tediously bad film about some youths who try and hold a rave party in a big abandoned house and one of the women gets freaked out by the sight of a child (bloody feminists!). No one turns up for the rave and almost all the young people seem to die.

I've had bowel movements that are more stimulating.


                 There's an exciting screencap from the film of some  tea being made. One of the highlights.


Thursday, 23 February 2012

23/02/12 Brake (2012)

I always get Stephen Dorff and Ethan Hawke mixed up. Must be their slim builds and perma-stubble.

Anyway, in this film one of 'em wakes up in a box. That's in the boot of a car. It's got a CB radio in it that Dorwke uses to speak to another guy who's woken up in a carbox.

Turns out it's some terrorist related thing. Easy to compare with the excellent 'Buried' as they're very similar. The difference is Buried is excellent (must be, I've just said it is twice) whereas Brake starts off well, becomes increasingly daft and finishes with ten minutes that actually climb to the highest branch of the stupid tree.

Then build a treehouse on the branch to become it's own level of elevated bumwittery.

It then climbs onto the roof of the treehouse and reaches the very orbit of concievable shitness.

A truly balls ending.

2/10 (Although the first 30 minutes would probably be a 7 or 8!)

The below is an illistration of the film using powerful imagery:


Tuesday, 21 February 2012

21/02/12 The Woman In Black (2012)

Daniel Pottercliffe plays Arthur who works as a legal drone and proves he's now a grown up by having an adorable stubbly chin.

He gets sent to a mansion (one so spooky and large it borders on 'theme park') to rifle through some papers, watch a chair wobble and arse-about with candles. Things get progressively spookier and some children combust. A woman dressed in black pops up and makes screechy noises. The end is gay.

Better than we was expecting with moments of decent suspense. 7/10


19/02/2012 The Muppets (2011)

Disappointing and slightly lacklustre effort which sees a mission to rescue the Muppet Theatre by getting the old gang back together for one last show (which seems to have been the plot for most of the Muppet films).  Piggy, Beaker and Chef excel of course and there are some good chicken-based moments but the songs are naff and it's not a patch on Christmas Carol.

Watch instead clips on the Muppet You Tube channel, in particular the Bohemian Rhapsody video which is great fun



Saturday, 18 February 2012

18/02/12 John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)

Obviously made to pay John Carpenter's Mortgage or to pay the school fees of John Carpenter's Children, possibly even to contribute towards John Carpenter's Secret Underground Carrot Farm, I dunno. The one thing it didn't do was benefit John Carpenter's Once Great Reputation. Which is a shame as this guy is responsible for some of my favorite ever films:

The Thing
Escape From New York
They Live
Prince Of Darkness

The film's about James Wood playing a church endorsed vampire hunter who drives 'round dusty areas killing vampires with awkward looking props. It also involves a priest, a woman, the fat Baldwin, a jeep and stuff like that. It's a total mud-biscuit, such a shame as in his prime Carpentor could direct traffic and make it exciting.

In fairness, years ago I read the book this film was based on. That was also thundering bumwash.

Also, rather oddly, Wood's character spends a lot of time in the film musing on the torpidity of other men's penises. Must be something to do with having the surname Wood.

Wood. Hnib! Hnib!

                                          Possibly not an actual quote from the set.



18/02/12 Holy Flying Circus (2011)

Confused psuedo-fictional made for TV half-comedy about the moral guardian arsewits who got their balls in a twist when The Life of Brian was released thirty years ago.

Occasionally funnyish, frequently self refrencing meta bollocks. Darren Boyd does an ace John Cleese and the casting generally is great, apart from the Alan Dick character who is played as a piss-poor  Douglas Reynholm.


Friday, 17 February 2012

17/02/12 Prey (2010)

French film (we're cultured here at the Film Plop cave) in which deer are found entangled in a farmland fence during a tense family gathering.  Sensing rum goings on, four men go into the woods to investigate.  Being a horror film, it all goes a bit wrong, and being French there's gallons of blood.

The family get together becomes even more awkward when it transpires the family's fertilizer company has polluted the water supply and turned the local pig population into rampaging murdering Clover-boars.  Zut alors!

It's decent enough but no classic (although has one over on Martyrs and Frontiers in that it doesn't have loads of people raving over its non-existent brilliance).



Wednesday, 15 February 2012

15/02/12 Blood Freak (1972)

When I was growing up it was often mentioned how permissive, 'free' and drug-culture-influenced the late '60s and  early '70s were. On the whole, this is largely wank. For the majority of people, that era was just as drab and grey as any before or since. They worked hard, in shit jobs, for little reward and were vaguely aware of a distant counter-culture who appeared to be frequently sexing each other in flared trousers on Haight Ashbury rooftops. Or something.

One thing from that period does bear true, the drugs were potent. Well, that's the only explaination I can think of for this film; some people dropped some serious acid and decided it was a good idea.

A biker riding a seriously cabbage chopper (I LOVE cruisers/chops/vintage bikes, but this thing is total splash) briefly rides up next to a dolly bird who pulls over, smiles at him, then drives off again...

He follows her.

They go to a wildcrazyyoungfolkhippy party where five men in their forties and three hot chicks share a spliff.

People talk babble about Jesus. The sound quality is bumholes.

He's then in someone's lounge and an old guy offers him a job on a turkey farm.

He turns up at the farm and the REALLY hot hippy doris gives him a spliff.

Then some Denzil Dexter types ask him to try out some experiment drugs.

He turns into a vampric serial killer with the head of a turkey. Yes.

He kills people who all seem to die using the same repeating scream sound files.

He then wakes up in some dirt with a human head.

It ends.

It's shit.

Seriously! Look at the rake of the forks the tilt of the frame and the mid-set foot controls. Fucking shite.

Bit drunk, so I'll shush now.




14/02/12 Inkubus (2011)

Being St Valentine's day, we decided to spend the evening watching a low budget film about a demonic serial killer.

Freddy Englund plays Inkubus (spelt with a backwards 'K' like one of those crazy MC hip-hops) who's s bit miffed 'cos 13 years previously he almost got arrested by a plodcop. He turns up at a police station carrying a woman's head and confesses to loads of bad shit that goes back many centuries. Then William Forsythe arrives with his shrink and his hair and Krugerlund Inky-bus starts killing people.

It's a pleasingly short film that mostly gets to the point and has enough originality to more than compensate for its weak characterisation and occasionally ropey script/logic.


Here's a pic of me holding the film so it looks a tiny bit like I'm wearing a square Robert Englund mask.

And there's a trailer for it.


Sunday, 12 February 2012

12/2/2012 Take Shelter (2011)

Smile-shy Michael Shannon plays a man plagued by increasingly disturbing dreams about a storm and fears he's destined to take after his schizophrenic mother.  He becomes increasingly wibblier until a storm does turn up followed by a big Cloverfield-esque deathbastard-tornado so he wasn't so mental after all. But still a bit of an odd 'un.

Feels like a Stephen King story which never properly gets going. It's well acted but ultimately unrewarding and over long by 40 minutes.



12/02/12 Robocop 2 (1990)

The original is very entertaining and has Clarence Boddiker telling bitches to leave.

The sequel has a child (seriously) as the head of a criminal gang and Tom Noonan's brain in a jar.

Pretty miserable.

4/10 (Gets an extra point for some decent stunts)

                                                        That's actually in the film.


Friday, 10 February 2012

10/02/12 Tower Heist (2011)

Big budget supposed comedy that plays wide and soft ensuring the broadest, blandest level of appeal without having the guts to be particually memorable or funny. Middle of the road stuff that won't make you cry laughing or piss steam, but passes pleasantly by.

I still hate Ben Stiller. His head looks more wobbly than usual.

A very middling 5/10.

For a final summary, I'll hand it over to the Movie Midgets:


Thursday, 9 February 2012

09/02/12 Stormhouse (2011)

Low cost horror Britflick effort. A secret (when are they not?) military compoundy thing where some unconvincing boffins, well, one Australian boffin, and some double-unlikely soldiers have captured an 'entity' and bring in a Yank (for some reason) medium. They're keeping the ghost captive in some kind of electric cage. The ghost appears to be French. Bonjour.

The idea.
The first thirty minutes/build up.

The script.
The lighting.
Some of the acting.

Also this film has a posessed basket ball and a remarkable level of child-friendly access to the secret compound.


Wednesday, 8 February 2012

08/02/12 The Wicker Tree (2010)

We seem to be part of the tiny minority that think the Original Wicker Man was a right heap of anus. Christopher Lee mincing about on an island like a proper twatcabbage. Fuckin' terrible.

This rather late sequel (same director, 81yrs old when this was made, based on a book he wrote) is also rubbish. Plodding, weak, badly acted awfulness. At least the original had that good bit where that woman danced around with her arse out.


07/02/12 The Search For Robert Johnson (1992)

Heard of Robert Johnson? Heard Robert Johnson?

If so you might enjoy this vintage documentary where a Tom Waits lookalike ambles around the southern states of the U.S. talking to people who knew him.

Not much to add, really.


Apparently that's the first part. A gold star if you can find the others.


07/02/12 Few Options (2011)

It's been a remarkably, unusually good run of decent films the last few nights here at the Film Plop cave. Few Options was yet another (unexpectedly) good film.

Backround: The Wire can fuck off, The Shield was the greatly superior cop show of the early '00s. So when we saw that this film had Kenny 'Lem' Johnson in it, we knew we had to see it. Certainly couldn't be any worse than 'Zzyzx' that he was also in. As a person. Who done stuff. On a road with a silly name.

In Few Options, Lem plays a guy who's just got out of prison after serving 22 years for, well, being a bit of a cock. Tries to put his life together, people from the past etc...

Although far  from original, it is very good. You could say that Johnson displays minimal range in this film, but we think he portrays 'broken' excellently and far better than most.

Well worth a look. Even if the main bad guy and his bodyguard are as threatening as Coco-Pops.



Tuesday, 7 February 2012

06/02/12 Absentia (2011)

Chin-strokey, slow burn, indie horror. Flippin' good it is, too!

Super frickin' attractive ladywoman (objective and all that) who used to be a drug-mong, moves in with her pregnant sister and seems to spend the majority of the time jogging or going to bed. In frustratingly modest pyjamas.

Over the street from the ladies house is a spooky underpass/subway/tunnel. You don't need to watch Irreversable to know that these ugly yet functional accesses can be visually 'threatening', way beyond their magnanimous intention. Same goes for car parks. Double so if it's an underground one.

Watching Irreversable is recomended though. Those nutty French know how to make, er, challenging films.

Anyway, without giving away too much, odd things happen in the tunnel and at the shared dwelling. The tension builds slowly, but consistantly and in a way that crawls inside the viewers awareness with slick, dark menace.

Full disclosure, a friend gave me a disc of this which is obviously not a legitimate copy, but I intend to purchase it as soon as it's available over here. You should too, it really is excellent, intelligent, original horror!

I hope writer/director Mike Flanagan goes on to make many, many more films of this calibre.

Utterly ace.


Trailer. Have a peek!


Monday, 6 February 2012

05/02/12 Road House 2: Last Call (2006)

Did you enjoy the first Road House but found it a little too snobby and high-brow at times? Then you'll love this rather belated sequel. It's pretty much the same, but with no one you'd recognise from the original.

There's fights and stuff!


Not really. Let's say 2.8/10


Sunday, 5 February 2012

05/02/12 Omagh (2004)

Brilliant. Certainly not easy viewing, but bordering essential. Gerard McSorley's central performance is stunning.

That's the full film. You should watch it.


04/02/12 Jason X (2001)

The tenth film in the Friday The 13th series.

Kane Hodder plays Jason Vorhees. A role that must be a formidable drain on one's creative energies. It DEMANDS that a large man walks around slowly and slaps attractive young people in the face with a plastic sword*

Being large, a man and able to walk whilst holding a toy weapon, Hodder fills the criteria beautifully. I'm sure Hodder is a lovely guy in real life, the "I've met him" threads on IMDB seem to bear this out** but in numerous quotes and interviews he seems to think the role of Jason is one of weighty cultural significance and none could ever better his glorious portrayal.

To which I say: Sir, don't be such a precocious anus.

For his, and others, profound insights, watch 'His Name Was Jason'. It's a shit, but fun, documentary about the first (sigh) thirty years of F13th films.

Anyway, in the film, blah, blah spaceship. blah, the future. frozen, blah, thawed out, killing spree, blah blah, cyborg Jason, blah, the year 2455AD, blah, terrible.

The film is a big pair of carved mahogany tits.


Shit! Forgot to mention, the rather splendid David Cronenberg is briefly in this. As can be seen from the screenshot on the trailer above. Must've been a slow month for him.

* = Yes, I know, it's a machete. Be quiet, you virgin.

** = My chum Andrew met him at Frightfest a couple of years back, he thought he was a bit of a cunt. Can't please everyone, eh?


Saturday, 4 February 2012

04/02/12 Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Two hour happy meal advert and promo for the upcoming, shit looking Avengers film.

About as modest, subtle and clever as the title sugest.

Too long. Too boring. Too obvious. Too much effort to slate properly.



03/02/12 Rosewood Lane (2011)

Tedious facepalm flick about an sinister paperboy who menaces Rose McGowan.

Then it finishes.



Friday, 3 February 2012

03/02/12 Justice (2011)

Nic Cage plays a mild high school teacher who puts on his angry sandals after his wife gets raped and he gets framed for mudering a hack. Mike from Neighbours wears a suit and makes threats. Starts confused, turns interesting then dissolves into a unlikely mess of bum-rubbish.



Thursday, 2 February 2012

02/02/12 Superstition (2001)

A fairly straight-up quasi-spooker, where for some reason modern Italy is peopled entirely by posh English folk.

Pretty well acted but average overall.

It's got Charlotte Rampling in it as a nun. You seen Swimming Pool? She was 57 when she made that. Impressive. If you've seen it, you'll understand. Total GILFery.

Mark Strong's the main manchapfellaguy. Good looking bloke, but bloody hell, he seems grumpy in every role I've seen him in. I think it could be 'cos he's a bit baldyslap. Look:

                                                    Bald and grumpy :(

I wonder if a full head of hair would cheer him?

                                                    Hirsuite smiley-joy! :)

Oh yeah, the film. 5.5 outta 10 y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That there? That be the trailer!


Wednesday, 1 February 2012

01/02/12 Fright Night (2011)

In my increasingly distant youth I was a huge fan of the original Fright Night.  I can still recite every line of dialogue, a vinyl copy of the soundtrack rarely left my player (The Brad Fidel title music remains brilliant). Even now it's a camp, fun film and has aged well. The effects are great, esp. Evil Ed's transformation at the end. Roddy McDowall's Peter Vincent is beautifully and subtley played and gives the film a level of pathos which it doesn't really deserve. The sequel was inferior, but had some fun moments.

So, with all that in mind, I really wanted to hate the 2011 remake. Y'know. being a bit precious about 'my' film... But, well, it's actually OK! Charley Brewster is played by Anton Yelchin who I like for two reasons:
1. He was the only good thing in Terminator Salvation. (Still undecided about the Arnie 'cameo')
2. His name sounds like a sex act.

The real highlight is David Tennant, who plays a very different Peter Vincent. He's great fun and we normally find him an annoying pea-headed man. Totally steals the film. Worth the purchase for him alone.

The woman who plays Amy also has an awesome name; Imogen Poots.


Poots :)

Christopher Mintz-Plasse plays Evil Ed. Boringly and not a touch on Stephen Geoffreys original.

Trivia: Geoffreys went on to make a living having men do stuff to his arse whilst being filmed. Bumsextastic!

Colin Drinkloads plays Dandridge.

Anyway, er the remake better than I expected, if a tad too long.

Er... 7/10. Yeah, why not.

There's the trailer.

This is the brilliant bit of music from the ace original. Even if you're on your own, you'll be having sex by the end.

Near Dark is still the best vampire film ever.


01/02/12 The River Murders (2011)

Ray Liotta plays a cop who has shagged every woman in the world. Then someone turns up and starts killing them. then it gets resolved and the film ends.