Thursday, 27 February 2014

27/02/14 A Shock To The System (1990)

Michael Caine plays a man who works in an office and decides to start killing people so he can get promotions.

Boring. Based on a book. That's probably better.

"And I am a nosey neighbour."


26/02/14 Room 237 (2012)

Lots of people with too much time on their hands look for subtexts in The Shining that aren't there.


26/02/14 Almost Human (2013)

Low budget horror film that tries to combine Invasion Of The Body Snatchers with Carpenter's The Thing and, surprisingly, does a very good job of it.

A chap with a beard disappears in a flash of light then he wakes up naked in a forest two years later. He changes a bit in the time he's gone, and instead of throwing himself a welcome home party with a big cake, he starts killing people and inserting alien eggs into their bodies via a long, fleshy egg-pipe that comes out of his mouth. It all gets very bloody and then ends.

It's absolutely straight-up, with nothing complex or contrived, just a decent, well made horror film with some excellent, splatty practical effects. The only flaw is some of the acting is a little weak, one character in particular is amusingly bad in some scenes, otherwise it's a real little cracker and worth seeking out.


Monday, 24 February 2014

24/02/14 A Trip To Mars (1918)

I meant to watch and review this ages ago, but then I forgot for 96 years.

Some fella with wonky hair and a dodgy leather suit decides to fly off to Mars so after practising in some wooden planes he presses ahead with the scheme. Surprisingly, him and his crew make it to the red planet, flying there in a steam and propeller powered bi-plane/dildo hybrid.

There's people living on Mars who are like some bunch of robe wearing space hippies. They look a bit like the weirdos at the end of The Wicker Man, but with no virgin plod blistering in a hamper. There also appears to be some bunch of cavemen types living on there who are the baddies or something. Anyway, one of the crew falls in love with a space lady, some old dude floats off in a boat on a space lake and then they come home.

It's honestly hard to judge this film by any kind of modern standards, or with a contemporary eye, but most people have seen enough footage of the silent era to know how 'silly' these things look, so if it's your sort of thing you'll probably love it. Me, I thought it was camp, fun, silly old guff. The picture quality, considering its century age, is also superb.

Street gangs were much more formal back then. This is the Oakwood 8-Tray Crips toasting the loss of their homies, G-Bomb and Lil' Nine-Gat.

"Hello, welcome to the Easyjet flight 4158 to the other side of this field. One of our staff will soon be coming round with a selection of snacks and gif... Never mind, we're on fire and about to crash. Planes are great back in these times!"

"Utter filth! You can see their ankles and everything!"

"Oh, sweet, darling Miriam. May... May I mash your tits?"
"Yes, Gary! Have a grip on them sin pillows!"

"Cheers, love. Gettin' a right bonk-on"

100 years ago this was all, like, Facebook and shit.

Mars. Basically the Glastonbury Festival in space.

"What does that valve do?"
"It's the complex control mechanism for the rocket engines. No, hang on, it's a breadmaker or something."
"So, you, er, don't know?"
"Haven't got a scooby, Cap'n."


Ha! In the tags, Ijust spelt it 'Marse'. LOLingtons.

23/02/14 Buck Wild (2012)

Not yet released but in the usual streaming places online.

A zombie comedy that makes the mistake of being written by mostly unfunny people. However some jokes do work, the acting isn't too bad and it's agreeably short.

That'll do.


Saturday, 22 February 2014

21/02/14 The Invoking (2013)

Can't be bollocksed. Possibly alright, but we were tired and got bored.


Friday, 21 February 2014

20/02/14 The Color Of Money (1986)

A pensioner and a midget play small snooker, neither man can spell the word colour.


20/02/14 The Counsellor (2013)

The IMDB message boards are divided over this film. Half the people on there think that it's a profound future classic, making use of intentionally ambiguous dialogue and seemingly obscure scenes that require viewer interpretation to be truly appreciated.

The other half of people on there are telling the first bunch to stop talking out their arse and the film's a load of poo-splash.

I'm with the second bunch.


Thursday, 20 February 2014

19/02/14 Office Killer (1997)

I'm just gonna copy the blurb from IMDB as it does sum up this film pretty well, but omits the word 'boring':

"A mousy office worker accidentally kills one of her co-workers, then proceeds to bump off a few others."


18/02/14 Commando (1985)

Films like this were blockbusters thirty years ago. 

For anyone who missed it first time around, this film's about a large bullet proof man who runs around awkwardly and throws a pipe at an Australian. 


Director's cut!?!? Surely just a typed apology then the credits?


17/02/14 Homefront (2013)

Jason Statham film.

Quiet bit, punchy bit, punchy bit, shooty bit, ends.


Saturday, 15 February 2014

15/02/14 Scanners (1981)

Some people use the thinky bits of their brains to burst the fleshy bits of other people.

Not our favourite Cronenberg.

Canada's best known superhero, Pleasant Man

I wonder what this massive red button with alarm printed on it is for?

Glasses. 'Tache.

Glasses. 'Tache.

Just glasses.

Garth Marenghi was kinda accurate.

"So, er, can you bring up bongo vids on this contraption?"

Look at his silly, squashy  face. LOL etc.


14/02/14 Alligator II: The Mutation (1991)

One of those monster films where they don't fully reveal the monster until some way into the film. Odd as:

1. It's a sequel, if anyone had seen the original, they'd probably have a good idea what the baddie's gonna look like.

2. It's got the word Alligator in the cocking title. If it turned out that the thing living in the sewer, eating people was a massive hamster or a fat bloke, that might've been a surprise worth waiting for.

What is actually surprising is how boring the film is. The original was crapula nonsense but great fun, this one plays it too straight and rides the dullbus all the way to Tedium-Upon-Thames.

"Ha! Gary, you're drinking wine like a puff!"
"Shut up, Miriam."

I'd like to buy a boxy, dull looking car made of right angles and finished in an unappealing colour, please."
"Certainly, Sir. Take this Chrysler Blandox for an un-enthralling test pootle."

"I'm gonna make you a woman, Guttenberg!"
"Call me Deborah!"

Concrete Earth Mother is giving birth to a bad actor!

"What's the plan?"
"Hit tha, club, drop my latest phat DJ set, score some Crystal and bitches"
"Sweet, homie."

Stand up anyone who wants to be in Alligator 3...

Spoiler Alert: This is the bad guy.

Although those cunning 'Gators are masters of disguise. This one's trying to blend in by wearing a boat.



14/02/14 Lone Star (1996)

A fifteen minute story about a small town plod solving a murder from forty years ago. Two hours are added on where seemingly every person who appears on-screen gets a full back story.

Still, it's very well acted and all that, and good if you're in the mood for one of those films with slow moving acty stuff.


13/02/14 DOA: Dead Or Alive (2006)

Eric Roberts seems to be appearing in every 8th or so film we watch. Many of them are not very good. This was possibly the not very goodiest of them all. It's some unlikely martial arts shit where people fly in and out of some pagoda with 500 floors or some shit like that.


13/02/14 Knights Of Badassdom (2013)

Well, that was 85 minutes of terribleness we'll never get back.

Bumular cockwash.


10/02/2014 Chronicle (2012)

Same film that we watched last year, so go and read that review. If you can find it, I can't.

Anyway, it's very good for a teenagers film.
9/10 Or possibly less, up to you really.


Sunday, 9 February 2014

08/02/14 Zombie Death House (1987)

Low budget horror about a zombie outbreak in a prison.

Not very good, but it does try. Directed by former Bruce Lee buddy John Saxon.

Call your prison something like that and you're asking for trouble!

"Our latest range of prison scents include 'Bunkbed Musk' and 'Bitten Pillow'. Care for a sample?"

"I might not be John Holmes, but a microscope!?"
"Don't move, I'm trying to focus."

"Yeah, you're my finger-bitch now."


07/02/14 Angel Heart (1987)

Made when Mickey Rourke still had the face of a good looking human rather than a set of features drawn onto some loft insulation.

Anyway, he's a private eye who's hired by sinister egg-fondler, Robert DeNiro to find some chap who's been missing for a number of years. Seen this a few times and even now, there's small touches that I haven't picked up on before.

Potentially a little confusing, but if you haven't seen it, well worth a pop.

Here's a song for you.


07/02/14 Camp Dread (2014)

Not yet released but sneakily available on popular viewing corners of the inteywebs.

It was all a bit bleh.


Thursday, 6 February 2014

05/02/14 The Detonator (2006)

Wesley Snipes plays Manface McChap who's apparently some sort of fighty shooty fella. He goes to Europe and does some fighting and shooting.

Shown on SyFy channel, presumably as part of their unrewarding generic action film season.


04/02/14 Wyatt Earp (1994)

Made during that period when unsmiling, mechanical cinema dull-bot, Kevin Costner was inexplicably popular and appeared in lots of films that took three hours to tell a story that would comfortably fit into 80 minutes.

Apparently this version of the whole OK Coral/vendetta thing is slightly closer to the truth than Tombstone, but who cares? Tombstone's the one that's actually entertaining.

"A sequel to Fandango? I'm in!"