Saturday, 28 February 2015

28/02/15 One Hundred Mornings (2009)

Four people are stuck in an Irish shed after an unspecified end-times event. Starts of as something resembling an enforced camping trip, by the end it's all gone completely arse-shaped and the remaining survivors are a couple of wild potatoes short of cannibalism.

That's pretty much the plot in it's entirety. It's good though in a bleak kinda way.



Friday, 27 February 2015

27/02/15 Taken 3 (2014)

Half way through this film, I went for a poo and a shower (not at the same time, I'm not German) and having missed 20 or 30 minutes of the film, I managed to entirely fill in everything I'd missed almost instantly. 

The main thing I noticed, aside from the series' unrelenting fucking terribleness, is how big Liam Neeson's nose is:

Liam Nose-on more like.

Anyway, whoever writes these films should put away the crayons and have some Ribena or something.


26/02/15 Devil's Pass (2013)

Ignoring the slightly dubious way this film uses a genuine historical tragedy to make a snowy version of Blair Witch, it's pretty good.

Although it goes a bit bonkers in the end with trans-dimensional space pixies from the futrepast.


25/02/15 Backwood (2014)

TV historian goes a bit brain wonky and starts seeing ghosts in the big spooky house he's just bought.

We were surprised to see how old and bald Paul Kaye is looking. Definitely different to his Dennis Pennis days.

Told you. Most people prob know him now from Game Of Thrones as he's apparently in that. We seem to be the only people on earth who don't watch that shit. Watched the first episode, it was fucking balls.


Monday, 23 February 2015

23/02/2015 Top Gun (1986)

When I first saw this Tom Cruise was taller than me, Val Kilmer was slim and everybody thought Kelly McGillis was straight. Funny how things turn out.

Terrible, terrible writing but I enjoyed this old toffee.  My 80s movie soundtrack album on the way to work tomorrow I reckon, and as I work in Redhill "Highway to the Danger Zone" seems apt.



22/02/2015 The Liability(2012)

Jack O'Connell is as good as ever as a hapless and unwitting sidekick to a hitman.  Read the previous Plop.



22/02/2015 Innerspace (1987)

Hadn't seen this all the way through for over 20 years. It's still good fun and the effects have held up surprisingly well.  The hair and fashion hasn't.



21/02/2015 Kill Zombie! (2012)

Hmm, can't remember too much about this apart from zombies, it's Dutch and we'd recorded it on the Tivo box. Drinking, eh.



21/02/2015 Gnome Alone (2015)

In theory a film called Gnome Alone with Verne "Mini Me" Troyer sounds bloody awesome, but unfortunately it was pretty pants and we ended up putting something else on.



21/02/2015 Rec 4: Apocalypse (2014)

Some zombie nonsense takes place on a ship. It reminded Perkin of the game Cold Fear.  It's OK and some of the effects are pretty good but we enjoyed Rec 3 more.  Also involves a person with this awesome name.



20/02/2015 The Woman In Black 2: Angel Of Death (2014)

Or "Back Again For A Pointless Sequel: Harry Potter's Fucked Off".

Mostly boring and lacks spooky bits.



19/02/2015 Grizzly (2014)

Kind of like a furry land-based Jaws, some people are pursued by a massive killer bear.  Billy Bob Thornton plays the Robert Shaw character.  It started ok but got more ridiculous as it went along, for example small actors being pinned under a giant bear and not popping like grapes.

Bart the bear is cool though.


"RARRRRRGGHHH!!!...."  "Shit, sorry. Can I try that again?"


18/02/2015 The Last House On Cemetery Lane (2015)

I didn't see this. Perkin said it started quite well but soon turned to bums.



Thursday, 19 February 2015

18/02/15 Wyrmwood (2014)

Australian zombie film that pleased us greatly for the first hour due to it being fairly original, well acted, fun, fast moving, funny and fresh looking.

The last thirty minutes are a bit arseache, but no worse than many other films. Well worth a bimble.

Sadly no koalas involved.


Wednesday, 18 February 2015

18/02/15 Baghead (2008)

Film about four struggling actors who decide to spend a long weekend in an isolated cabin writing a horror film that they can use as a showpiece for their magnificent skills. The Baghead of the title is the Vorhees like boogeyman they invent, who then turns up in the real world and acts like he wants to get all murdery and shiznit.

The two men (smug twat and chubby fuckwit) and the two women (self-centred has-been and childish, airhead moron) are all very believable, natural and well played.
The twist is very predictable.
The film is good enough, but definitely has a fume of forced indie hipsterism.


(Some courtroom shit on TV at the mo.)


15/02/15 The Lathe Of Heaven (1980)

Silly but enjoyable twaddle about a chap in the 'near future' (probably, like 1990 or some other laser world, future land!) who tries to stop himself from dreaming as whatever happens when he dreams comes true in the real world.

I imagine the book it's based on would be able to portray the unlikelyness of the story with more credibility, but if you like cheap creative sci-fi from that era, you'll probably enjoy this.

"Full bonk-on. You?"
"Half a teacake at best."

Surprisingly, this film predicted flip-front mobile phones.
It didn't predict that we'd become a world of arseholes.

"How'd you like your cortical?"
"Anally, please."
I spent about five minutes pissing about to get that screencap. Twat.

"Damn it, Gary! I don't care what the lab says, design me the gayest car in the world"
"I'll try, Geoff. I'll try."

"Miriam! Look! He done it! That crazy fool pulled it off!"

"He sure did!"


15/02/15 Fear Clinic (2014)

Professor Robert Krugerland invents some kind of machine that lets him send people into a sort of lucid hypnotic dream where they can confront their fears. Predictably enough it goes bollock shaped and turns into some kind of spindly dream monster nonsense.

Shame as it has some people who can act in it and, in my humble, the magic mind-probe fear machine would've worked better as the basis for an anthology collection.


14/02/15 The ABCs Of Death 2 (2014)

The first four and 'X is for Xylophone' are excellent. The rest are either mediocre or shite.


13/02/15 88 (2014)

Film about a woman who loses her memory and tries to recall who she is.

She shouldn't have bothered as she was a bit of a dick.

Has some other stuff and people get shot.


Friday, 13 February 2015

12/02/15 Coogan's Bluff (1968)

Clint Eastwood was younger than me when he made this. That's kinda depressing.

Anyway, it's alright an' shit. If you're in the mood for that kinda stuff, man.

The highlight is the brief chase between two vintage Triumph bikes.


12/02/15 Alien Outpost (2014)

Imagine if The Asylum had, somehow, managed to make a mockumentary about an alien invasion that was better than almost every mega-budget alien invasion film of the last decade.



11/02/15 The Voices (2014)

Film about a lonely man who murders ladies under the instruction of his cat.

Mostly shit, but Ryan Reynolds does a good impression of mental and it's got Gemma Arterton in it who I would like to do stuff* with.

*Mostly things involving her and my noodle**



09/02/15 Deadline (2009)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. Think I saw it when it first came out. I asked if it was any good, she replied "Not really."

Probably tells you all you need to know.

This is the 1300th Film Plop. Fucking hell, that's a fair commitment to shit films, eh?
Not really/10


08/02/15 Disconnect (2012)

A film about the magic of the internet and how many people who use it are utter fuckbags.

Still, you only need to spend about thirty minutes online to realize that most people with access to the web are cunts. IMDB message boards and YouTube video comments are enough to make me wish a plague on humanity.

Anyway, this film's actually a bit gash.


08/02/15 Sleepless Night (2011)

French cop who's a bit dodgy drops a bollock by ripping off some drug dealers who are better connected than he realizes.

In return they kidnap his son and keep him hostage in the world's biggest nightclub. He spends the night trying to get him back and getting increasingly damaged for his efforts.

Imagine a less embarrassing version of 'Taken'.


08/02/15 In A Lonely Place (1950)

Bloody hell, history's most emo film title.

I'm probably missing something, might be a generational thing, but I've never understood the whole Humphrey Bogart 'thing'.
To me, his entire schtick appeared to be talking to a woman thirty years younger saying things like "Be quiet, you're a silly female, now do as I say and light me a woodbine".

This was made during that period when films had constant fucking violins playing.


07/02/15 Moonraker (1979)

Due to the similarities in tone and content, watching this I kept thinking it's essentially 'Carry On Spaceship'.

Bond films were so much more fun back then, before they decided to become poor imitations of the Bourne films and hire Woodman O'Craig.


07/02/15 The Spanish Chainsaw Massacre (2013)

07/02/15 Book Of The Dead (2012)

Never believe any reviews apart from the ones you read here. Example: This film has loads of good reviews from some right fucking pricks. It's shit. I would take it back for a refund, but I don't wanna hold it in case it taints me with its rubbishness.


Thursday, 12 February 2015

--/02/15 End Of Watch (2012)

We've seen this before, so read our previous thoughtwords:

--/02/15 This Is England (2006)

I didn't watch this, Podd did. I have seen it though, it's very good.


--/02/15 The Epic Of Everest (1924)

Absolutely stunning film.

Comprised entirely of silent footage taken during the Mallory and Irvine expedition of 1924.

I doubt I'm revealing much of a spoiler when I say it didn't end well.  Knowing the fate that befell the young men on the mountain, it makes the footage all the more poignant, particularly the early scenes featuring smiling, optimistic faces at the beginning of their challenge.

Although digitally remastered, it's hard to believe you're watching footage that is (almost) a century old. The skies, the mountain peaks, and the small, close details captured on film look almost as fresh as anything from the modern era.

There is a subtle ambient soundtrack played throughout the film that really adds to both the impressive, otherworldly landscape of wonder and the creeping, inescapable finality of how it will play out. A strangely disturbing mix of the ephemeral and the eternal. (Easily the most pretentious thing I've typed in years!)



--/01/15 Zombie Killers: Elephant's Graveyard (2015)

The title's almost an anagram of Arse Gravy Pant Shocker.

Arse Gravy Pant Shocker would be a much, much better film.

Billy Zane would probably be willing to 'star' in that as well.


Also, isn't that apostrophe incorrect? surely it would be 'elepants' plural, rather than a graveyard in the possession of elephants?

--/02/15 Event Horizon (1997)

Some of the effects are quite dated, but this is still the best film about an inter-dimensional hell-portal on a spaceship.



--/02/15 Mirage Men (2013)

Documentary about shady government types who fed false information to some of the better connected UFO conspiracists, (is that a word? Who cares, is now) knowing that it would pin-prick its way into the greater collective awareness. The plan, apparently, was to create enough suggestion of genuine alien activity to throw a veil over covert military experi-tech.

Sounds interesting but plays out rather boringly with absolutely nothing of interest revealed.


--/02/15 Beyond Re-Animator (2003)

The first Re-Animator is considered a bit of a classic, it's worth seeing for the mental, and genuinely quite disturbing, final twenty minutes. This one's a bit, well, On The Buses in comparison.


--/02/15 Elvira's Haunted Hills (2001)

Can't remember what the exact dates are for the rest of the films so far this month, but who cares? Calendar accuracy probably isn't important when it comes to a piss-poor blog about films. Also, it's called Film Plop, not, like, 'Timothy's World Of Exact Timeline Events'.

Anyway, if you're familiar with Elvira, you're probably already a fan. Of tits.

First one's better, but this is still fun.


01/02/15 The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Been a bit slack on this, been busy doing DIY nonsense as we wanna move this year.

That's enough of an insight into the fascinating world of Film Plop, now back to the films.

This is the one where where the man who looks like a teddy bear plays a record, digs a tunnel and gets bummed up the arse.

But you probably know that as most people have seen this.