Sunday, 30 October 2016

29/10/16 Army Of One (2016)

Not out yet, but leaked online to streaming sites and the like.

Nicolas Cage plays some real life lunatic. Messages from a mockney god about killing Bin Laden.

Entertaining but pointless and, I dunno, Nicolas Cage.


29/10/16 Lights Out (2016)

An example of why many YouTube films should stay as shorts rather than become feature length efforts. I saw James Wan's name in the credits, that probably explains it.


Saturday, 29 October 2016

28/10/16 Bad Ben (2016)

Found footage film about a bloke who buys a house that's full of strange ghostly nonsense.

Things get increasingly threatening but the chap has, as he mentions numerous times, put every penny he has into the house in the hopes of selling it for a quick, profitable turnaround.

Money's one thing, but this guy hangs around way after the point when any rational human would have shit their balls out their arse in fear.

Made for peanuts, by one chap in what I believe is his own home and available only through Amazon. Which is a shame as:

Amazon are tax swerving, monopolising cunts of the lowest order.

The film's way better than we expected and deserves some recognition.

If you don't like low budget or found footage, don't bother, however if you do, and you wanna see a film that's unlikely to get the praise it deserves, have a crack.



--/10/16 Nerve (2016)

I'm probably a good 25 years older than this film's intended audience, but I managed to make it to the end without too much discomfort.

Not saying it's particularly good, but it has moments.

It's about a social media site that pays out cash prizes to people willing to perform dares online.

Er... Dunno. That'll do. Wan't more, read a review by someone who gives a bollocks or watch the film.


--/10/16 Blink (1993)

A blind woman smells a killer.


--/10/16 K-Shop (2016)

A young fella returns from his studies to help out in his dad's kebab shop.

After his dad gets murdered, he decides to take revenge and things start going a bit Sweeney Todd. Y'know, if you're running a kebab shop, murdering the horrific lager-scum who kick off and find yourself with a surplus of "meat"... Well...

Should probably feel worried that the film made me feel a bit hungry.

"Extra large idiot flesh please, just onions, no chilli sauce."

Well acted, good pace, decent effects, depressingly recognisable for anyone who's been in a British town at chucking out time.


--/10/16 Never Let Go (2015)

A lady who's abroad somewhere, not sure if it's specified, but it's definitely full of all those dodgy forrins you can't trust, has adopted a baby, or at least rented one for the day, when it's stolen while she's bimbling around.

She decides to find her nicked infant by punching the bollocks out of everyone.

Probably been compared to Taken elsewhere, and it's not hugely dissimilar, but if Liam Neeson had a vagina.


I wrote 'vagina'.



--/10/16 The Evil In Us (2016)

Some people in a cabin all go a bit funny and start eating each other due to some wonky drugs or something.


--/10/16 The Possession Experiment (2016)

A sceptic of all things spooky goes to the site of a claimed historical spooking and tries to get himself possessed by the demon that supposedly caused all the bother first time around.

A bit like one of those medical pioneers who will dose themselves with something to test if their cure works, but a lot more nonsense.

Seen worse, but will quickly be forgotten.


--/10/16 Yoga Hosers (2016)

What happened to Kevin Smith?

Was he born with a fixed amount of good jokes in him that he used up in his first three films? Mostly in his first.

If you watch him live, he's still pretty funny. I think he must have some kind of amnesiac condition where he forgets to be funny when he's behind the camera rather than in front of it. Shame.

I'll still watch all of his shit though as Clerks was so cocking awesome I can forgive most of his dreck in the hope his mojo will return.


--/10/16 All Through The House (2015)

Some reviews online said this was an enjoyable, silly horror with a sharp script.

I must've seen the more heavily edited version where the end result was a barely watchable sack of shite.


--/10/16 Our Kind Of Traitor (2016)

Renton Kenobi helps a dodgy fellow defect from the Russian mob.

Not bad.


--/10/16 Suicide Squad (2016)

A multi-ethnic (black, white, Asian and crocodile) group of dangerous convicts are released from prison to have a fight with some computer effects.

All the bad reviews of this you've read or heard are likely to be accurate. It's shit.

There's numerous problems with this; weak plotting, overlong running time, poor effects, and, well, it's just boring. However, my biggest issue is the fact that the selected members of the 'Squad would surely not be the first choice of a world power when it came to fighting a menace that threatens the globe:

One guy can shoot pretty well.

One guy can punch people hard and is good at swimming.

One guy has some boomerangs.

One lady is a bit mental.

That's about it, really. I mean, y'know, what's wrong with using, say, the fucking army to fight ?

Also, basing a huge amount of a film's advertising around one woman's sex appeal, and specifically her arse, well, it's tedious, tired shit.

The Hollywood machine can go fuck itself.


--/10/16 Fender Bender (2016)

Low budget indie horror that tells its story, does a half decent job, then fucks off. Something 'bigger' films could learn a lot from.

I mean it's nonsense, but all feature films are, really. So if you wan't to watch a short, decent, straight-up, throwback styled horror film about a serial killer who engineers minor traffic accidents with the victims he's selected, that way he can gain their contact details to get their addresses for his murder hobby, then you could do much worse than this.

I might wear that get-up to work on Monday. 

Better not though.

Everyone will assume it's Tuesday as that's when I wear my Leatherdeath Murderperv outfit.

Bloody unspoken work rules.


--/10/16 The Magnificent 7 (2016)

Remake. Horses, guns, whisky and whatnot.

Half shit, half fun.



--/10/16 Ghostbusters (2016)

Y'know, the remake that made men-babies angry that women exist.

Shame the film's so fucking boring and pretty much free of any real charm or laughs.


--/10/16 The Hollow (2016)

In a small American town, three young people get murdered. One of them is a senator's daughter so the important FBI people turn up to investigate.

Well, two of 'em do, and one of them is a bit of a rubbish alcoholic. All the usual stuff about powerful local families having too much influence in the town, bent sheriffs and all that flannel. Not bad, but not greatly original.


--/10/16 Phantasm: Ravager (2016)

The first two Phantasm films were utterly arse, but creative and fun. 
Angus Scrimm as The Tall Man was a very memorable presence. My brother and I got some great unintentional laughs from them/him.

Aside from a few brief, but well delivered, lines of dialogue from Scrimm, where he almost seems to be reflecting on his mortality outside the role, this one's just arse.


--/10/16 The Shallows (2016)

A woman goes surfing and has a disagreement with a fish. Enjoyable enough nonsense.


--/10/16 The Infiltrator (2016)

Apparently true story of some fella who pretended to be a money launderer to dodgy firms, thus allowing him to play a small part in the eventual downfall of Pablo Escobar.

The Escobar story is so outlandish, even the basics seem ludicrous. During its most lucrative era, the cartel was spending $2000 a week on elastic bands to bundle up the (rest of the) money they were making. You could pretty much make up any story and people could probably swallow it as fact.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this film's sequel, The Infiltrator 2: The Escobar Moon Wars.

Also based on fact.