Sunday, 29 April 2012

20/04/12 Contamination (1980)

"Somebody help me! There's an egg in here!"

Further proof that Italians are the best filmakers in the world.

"It wasn't his fault, he was just an extension of that monster from the first time they met in that Martian cave"

"From now on it will be difficult to look at the sky"

Alien squid monster lays eggs that look like hairless, mutant scrotums. The eggs then explode, squirting their egg juice on people which causes them (the people) to also explode.







29/04/12 Opstandelsen (2010)

Danish zombie film where people are in a church, enjoying a nice quiet funeral and a bit of cocaine when attack-zombies crawl out of the graveyard and get their bite on.

It's one of the better zombie films we've seen for a while, the effects are very good (done by a guy called Janus Vinther who wrote a great book on how to do low budget splat shots) and at 50 minutes, nice and short.


                                                      "Don't look! I'm having a poo!"


28/04/12 From Beyond (1986)

It's your standard mad scientist creates machine that opens the doors between realms of perception type of thing, but with added head-penises.

And eyes being sucked out.

And inter-dimensional pirahna-bees.

Great effects at times, enough to make it fun if you can ignore all the other old shit about flying demon worms and whatnot.


                                          '80s TV. Lotta wood, small screens, angry presenters.

                                          Bumming practice was Terry's least favorite lesson

                                                                  I am mildly alarmed.

                                                                    Head penis

                                                               Also a head penis


28/04/12 Frayed (2007)

Cross between Halloween (the first one), Swithblade Romance and assorted other stabby thrill-flicks.

The very start of the film has a savage and (if you're a softy bender) disturbing murder scene that, from an effects point of view, is flippin' amazing. Guess it all depends on how much pleasure you get from watching an innocent woman get her boat mashed. If you've seen the knockabout, slapstick French comedy 'Irreversible', you'll probably be able to picture the sort of thing.

For the first hour Frayed is a killer-on-the-loose effort that exceeds its low-end production costs, although the main twist is more obvious than sunrise.

The last half hour really slides down the shitpole and ruins it. And then throws in three or four more terrible twists that appear to have been made up as the cameras rolled.


                                              "Papa! Papa! My eyes self-illuminate!"

                                                                        "Me too, son"

                                            "End of this film? Not a fuckin' clue, Guv."

                                           "Gemma! I told you I was gonna wear this tonight!!!"

                                                                   "What happened?"
                                                             "I run the twat over with the squad car"


Saturday, 28 April 2012

27/04/12 Chronicle (2012)

A sci-fi drama about three teens who develop super powers after touching a space egg.

It's totally ace! Didn't expect it to be, but it's absolutely bang-on! Far more exciting, well acted, interesting and (suprisingly) intelligent and mature than a film about flying children should be.



Friday, 27 April 2012

26/04/2012 An American Werewolf In London (1981)

For some reason whenever a Film Plop favourite is on TV we watch it, despite owning the advert-free DVD (or, in this case, DVD and the impressive Blu Ray conversion), so when this came on Horror channel last night I watched it for about the 30th time.

Nostalgia bias and some dodgy British stereotypes aside, this is my favourite film of all time.  Good humour, well chosen soundtrack and effects which put most modern efforts to shame (and Jenny Agutter in a nurse's uniform if that's your thing) mean it's as enjoyable now as 30 years ago and I never get bored of watching it.  The sound of the werewolf howl is still genuinely chilling.


A peerless 10/10

An American Werewolf in London Poster


Thursday, 26 April 2012

25/04/12 Session 9 (2001)

Nice creeperflick that relies on old fashioned stuff like acting to develop plot, tension and menace.

Great use of the abandoned Danvers State Hospital as both part of the plotline and a foreboding, brick-y backround presence.

Quite a few people online question or try to interperate aspects of the plot. If you watch the film using the tube that connects your eyes to your brain, you'll see that the only area open for debate is wether or not the murders commited in the film are supernaturally influenced.

To which I say: Maybe. Dunno for sure.

Anyway, if you ain't seen it, have a peek.



Tuesday, 24 April 2012

24/04/12 Hard Boiled Sweets (2012)

Britcrim gangster flick that occasionally exceeds expectations.

The plot's pretty lazy and some of the acting's balls, but it does what it should and some of the dialogue is genuinely funny. Certainly seen much worse.



24/04/12 Left 4 Dead (2011)

Nine minute short fan film based on the zombie blaster Xbox game of the same name.

Haven't played the game, so I dunno how faithful it is, but I'm pretty sure characters from Mortal Kombat, Gears of War, Halo and Resident Evil don't turn up at the end of the film like they do in this little film.

The production quality is excellent and being a fan film, its flaws are easy to forgive.

(A good) 5/10

Zombies, they eat on the pavement and never wash. A bit like the French.

You like that, don't you. You sexy, mappy tart.

"Welcome to Songs of Praise, this week from Norwich"

Croydon, yesterday.


Monday, 23 April 2012

23/04/12 The Hunters (2011)

French film, with an English main actor, filmed mostly in Luxembourg, where everyone pretends to be American.

Something or other about hunting humans for sport in the woods near an abandoned fort. Might as well have been about licking stamps in a space shuttle for all I cared after ten minutes. Over to the Movie midgets for their thoughts:



Sunday, 22 April 2012

22/04/12 Pale Rider (1985)

Eighties western that's better than those two words would suggest. Look at the previous posts and read the review for High Plains Drifter, as they're essentially the same film. Although the line between goodies and baddies is less ambiguous and there's no adorable midgets. Which is a shame. Every film should have one.



21/04/12 Starcrash (1978)

Mopeds, political corruption, organised crime and innapropriate sexual advances. Those are the things Italians know how to do. Making films, however, isn't their strongpoint.

This film, directed by an Italian, is fucking tits. Occasionally hilarious, but mostly just fucking rubbish.


                                          Bald men in a tub was a 1978 craze, like lavalamps.

                                           Yeah, explore space in a perspex toilet. 1970s wankers.

                                                         "Bitch, I'll shoot you in the glove!"

                                                   Bukka... No, I'll shutup.

                                                                   Welcome to Cornwall!


Saturday, 21 April 2012

21/04/12 Bite Marks (2011)

Hit and miss vampire film about a gay couple who hitch a ride with a lorry driver who's delivering some coffins.

Lots of refrences to other vampire films, esp. in the casting and character names, (Stephen Geoffreys gets to repeat one of his better known lines). Some of the jokes work, others don't, but overall it has an endearing silliness that works in its favour.



21/04/12 Contraband (2012)

Mark Interesting plays John Fascinating, a guy who used to be something or other, but now works as a chap who instals burgular alarms.

His brother in law does something, trouble, ship, smuggling, Mexicans, gunfight, van, painting, wife, sink, van, docks, prison, end.



20/04/12 From Dusk Til Dawn (1996)

This film has this scene:



Friday, 20 April 2012

20/04/12 The Wrestler (2008)

Mickey Rourke plays an ageing Def Leppard fan who enjoys wearing spandex and theatrically slapping other men whilst fat people shout their approval.

When wrestling was televised in the UK in the '70s and '80s it was almost entirely men over 50, looking like they'd stumbled out of a pub in a leotard to have a pretend fight, so Rourke's character probably would've been entering his prime by British standards.

As good as the film was, it's basically a story of loss and regret, I was a bit distracted by the 'Look at me act! I feel this pain!' performances, Rourke being the exception, his was compelling and believable.

I wonder how Rourke, who was big in the '80s before fucking up all his credibility, getting his faced pummelled and reconstructed into into a Dali-like version of its former shape, loosing all his money and being exiled from 'the biz', found inspiration?



Thursday, 19 April 2012

18/04/12 The Savage Bees (1976)

This film seems to be on a near continual loop on The Horror Channel. If you don't know The (UK) Horror Channel, well, you're missing something special!

In the 'special needs' sense of the word.

From what I can tell, once a year they send the office junior down to the 24hr garage with a £20 note and tell them to pick up as many DVDs as the budget will permit. This results in a rotation of approximately nine films. All of 'em right old spunkers.

However, The Savage Bees is kinda awesome. Dialogue includes:

"You have to think like a bee"

"We can't start killing bees indiscriminantly"

"The African bee is far more dangerous than the Italian strand"

"Is there a bunch of killer bees loose in the parish?"

Blah, who cares. The film's boxcellent (bollocks, yet excellent) and should definately be watched if you're bored and in the mood for some daft old crap.


                                             A sequel to The Moderate Wasps

                                                    A Volkswagen Bee-tle!  ('Pologies)

                                            There's the full film, how I dream of a remake.


18/04/12 The Time Machine (2002)

Curious Polish film about the 1948 northern Poland crop failure and the subsequent corn famine which resulted in the 'Gustave Malnsk Revolution', which, as I'm sure anyone with a primary school level education of history will know, led on to the 'Five Hour War of Teblinsk' and the death of twenty-two thousand people.

Nah, I made all that up. It's actually the one where the fella from Neighbours builds a time machine out of cogs and pipes then bimbles around in the past, then decides to settle in the future where people live in baskets on the side of a cliff.

I remember when this came out, it got some pretty negative reviews. I don't know why as it's a decent family film that is fun, well acted and moves at a good pace.

This was made five years, and for much less money than the fuckin' terrible I Am Legend, so how come the CGI monsters in this look 84 times better than the later ones?

Based on the H.G. Wells story, and directed by his great grandson. I can't decide if that's kinda cool or indulgent wank. Still, he was an established director before it was made, so 'meh'.



Tuesday, 17 April 2012

17/04/12 High Plains Drifter (1973)

I grew up in London, I think horses are giant, clopping idiots, the American love of firearms gives me a psuedo-cultured, European chill down the spine, I enjoy a daily shower and the countryside I've spent time in is very green and non-deserty.

So obviously I've always loved westerns. As, y'know, I can relate an' shit.

The last time I saw this was the better part of twenty years ago when me and a mate had drank a few beers, so my memories of it were hazy. It's bloody ace. Clint Eastwood plays 'The Stranger', you (kinda) never know his real name, (although there is a rather large clue what it is in the final scene) so I'm gonna hazard a guess that his caracter's called Barry Pistol or Leonard Rifle or something. Anyway, Gerry Shotgun rides into a small town who are occasionally troubled by lawlessness and have a collectively shared dark secret. Timmy Flintlock then proceeds to bed the women, insult the men and shoot some baddies.

It's a great film, the dialogue is spot-on, the action is exciting, the humour works, there's an adorable midget and the suggested supernatural content elevates it way above many films of its type.

You've probably already seen it, but you should watch it again.

Excellent! 9/10

                    And you can punch me in the anus if that isn't one of the coolest film posters ever!


16/04/12 Beyond (2011)

Unengaging plodder about a child who gets kidnapped and the septegenarian cop/young English psychic who go looking for her.

If this film were a colour, it'd be beige.


Also, Beyond what? Generic title ballbags.


Monday, 16 April 2012

15/04/12 Friday The 13th: The final Chapter. (1984)

What an optimistic title! This was number four in the series of Jason films and it certainly wasn't the last one or final anything. Instead this tedious franchise is effectively still going with recent remakes, reboots and all the other excuses wankers use to shit out this rubbish.

I dunno, I love horror films, but aside from a few decent novelty death scenes, the entire '13th' series is pretty gash. It's basically a fat retard mute waddling about with a machete, slicing up giggletwits then getting *killed* at the end of each film. For twelve films.

It's not all based around Camp Crystal/Camp Blood though, Jason did once get on a boat the magically took him to New York.

Oh yeah, and also once got on a spaceship and went to space to kill some more bumclowns.

Essentially though, he's shit. The films are shit. Number four was shit.

Corey Feldman is in it. He was 13 in '84, but looks about 7. By my reckoning he's probably started shaving by now.

Also, a year before he played the incredibly awkward, social cabbage George McFly in Back to the Future, Crispin Glover was in this playing Jimmy. The awkward, cabbagey one.

Anyway, 2.5/10


15/04/12 Transgression (2011)

Home invasion flick where Michael Ironside and his big boobed wife get tied up in their garage and some dastardly crookpeeps try and get in his safe.

Mr & Mrs Ironside escape, tables get turned and formula boxes get ticked.

It was alright. Cherry Tree Lane is a much better home invasion film if that's your thing.


Can't find a poster, so have my artistic representation of Mr Ironside tied up, created in Micrapsoft Paint:


Saturday, 14 April 2012

13/04/12 The Evil 1978

'70s haunted house film filmed in brown-hued flair-o-vision.

Didn't really take much notice of it as we were talking and floating around online and, I dunno, unicycles and stuff?

Some people with hair and jackets are in a house where things combust inexplicably and tables bounce around, then at the end a guy gets beaten up, sorta, by a guy who might be the devil or something. No idea.

It seemed very silly.

And a bit poo.



13/04/12 Bloodwork (2011)

Thriller/horror about a bunch of clinical trials volunteers who are pumped full of radical experi-drugs that make them go a bit funny.

It starts off as a sort of comedy, goes a bit X-men, then finishes with a big splash of 28 Days Later. Low-ish budget , performances of varying quality and some logic-holes big enough to kick a bungalow through. However, it was actually a pretty decent effort. It builds up nicely and does what it does pretty well. Certainly seen much, much worse.

It almost loses a point for the most terrible cover of the song 'money'.



Thursday, 12 April 2012

12/04/12 The Courier (2011)

I had to go for a massive poo half way through this, so I missed a bit and it broke my concentration. Seemed pretty boring to me though.



11/04/12 Alien Opponent (2010)

Low budget Sci-Fi film about an alien in a scrapyard being hunted by assorted people.

Some of the jokes almost work and some of the effects look OK.

Aah well, onwards.


Seeing Roddy Piper makes me think of how bastard great They Live is. Watch that.


Wednesday, 11 April 2012

11/04/12 Xtro (1983)

Fucking splash horror/Sci-Fi that is considered a cult classic by internet arsewits.

The first 20 minutes show some real promise, and there's a amashit (amazingly shit) scene where a full-grown man climbs out of a woman's fanny, but then it just turns into a boring cup of  cock that looks like it was filmed in someone's flat, in a weekend, where the primary directorial instruction was "Film it, we'll use it. Try to be a bit odd and use smoke machines".

Fucking rubbish. Fuck off.



Tuesday, 10 April 2012

10/04/12 The Fields (2011)

Slow paced, ambiguous yet very satisfying (for want of a less wanksome term) psuedo-spooker.

It's rather good.


                                             A field, appropriately enough. (Also contains car)

                                  Zeplin's Robert Plant is much shorter than expected in person.

                   Asda's range of portly sheriff porch gnomes was more successful than expected.



09/04/12 Heat (1995)

Good of Film4 to put this on, although the 9pm start time meant that, with adverts,  it had a 3h20 running time.

Still watched it all.

Even though we have the DVD.

A nearly faultless crime flick (alright, the fact that most female characters are portrayed as little more than victims of their husband's forceful personalities is a bit rubbish) it's one of the few films that live up to, and exceed, the hype.

The IMDB trivia page has some interesting stuff; Andy McNabb was a consultant on the shooty stuff and the (bloody amazing) post-heist shootout has been shown to armed forces as a model display of retreat under fire... "When surrounded, grab a passing child as a human shield"?

Anyway, the film's fucking brilliant.



Monday, 9 April 2012

08/04/12 Mad Foxes (1981)

Without a doubt this is the best film ever.


                                                                Phat ride, homie!

                                                           "What you up to, Nigel?
"Looking at some men, then I'm gonna grow a moustache"


                                           "Fo' sure, I jus' love dem titties, as I'm all heterosexuals"

                                              N-Sync's comeback look was a surprise for some

                                                  "Hi, welcome to Gary's World of Pipes"

                                          "Glad you could join me in my bath full of piss"

                                                       "Empty wine bottle motherfuckers!"

1,000,000/10 !!!