Some bloke, can't
remember his name, let's call him Billy Penis, gets out of jail, meets a number
of family members he didn't know about, buys a pub, bit of fighting, ends. Not
great, but the actors tried their best and I've seen worse.
Not a bad idea for a
film, US criminals acting as FBI over the Mexican border to rip off drugs and
money being shifted around by the cartels.
Would the FBI
actually have any legal authority in that country? I know they have arrested
some people here in the U.K., but America still seem to have the controlling
share of this country with China making great gains recently.
I mean, working under
the assumption that whatever slim remains there are of state assets will soon
by sold off by this current government of truth-murdering, poor-hating
child-fuckers, who do we actually want running the UK by default in the next
Lots of cool temples
and loads of history.
Good at martial arts.
Far away and
Bloody love rice!
All seem to live to
about 400 years old consuming only gravel and cigarettes.
They speak a basic
version of our language.
Good at guns.
Often very lovely
Bloody love burgers!
Almost every car they
built between 1950-1980 gets me tragically excited.
Aggressive expansionist capitalism under a veneer of socialism? It'd be Tony Blair all over again.
Speak lots of funny
languages that sound like they're having an angry poo.
Anything they build
with an engine appears to have the resilience of explosive chocolate.
Even thinking about
workplace rights will prob get you shot.
Aggressive expansionist capitalism considered a path of true divinity.
Speak like cunts.
Can't handle their
Doing anything will
prob get you shot.
Oh yeah, the film's
alright for a cheap effort. A little more polish and it would've been quite
Oh, If you're
American or Chinese, shut-up you cabbage. All the above was written from the
perspective of someone living in a wankhole country that you probably own more
of than I ever will.
Don't mean that in
the UKIP sense, I'd change my name to Chevrolet Ping before I ever voted for
Keanu Reeves plays a
small town lawyer who's employed by Al Pacino's city high-flyer to do law
Turns out Pacino's character may be a little older and more sinister
than first appearances. The clue is in the film's title and the fact that
Pacino plays someone called B. L. Zeebub or Kenneth Secretlydevil or whatnot.
Anyway, it's a load of twaddle, but I was comfy on the sofa and it came on TV.
Anthony 'The Ham'
Hamkins plays a psychic who's bought out of retirement to do one more job
finding a serial killer.
You ever noticed his
greatest skill as an actor is being able to talk very fast yet very clearly, it
makes him sound all wise and authoritative and shit. The rest is mostly wigs probably. I used to think he was pretty good in Legends Of The Fall until Podd
pointed out how much he resembles Father Jack at the end.
metalheads find some ancient sheet music and play it thinking it's a lost track
from one of their favourite bands.
Turns out it's the
'Dark Hymn', a piece of music that, when played, summons the king of demons and
results in everyone within earshot vomiting blood and becoming possessed.
Pretty much Kiss FM but slightly easier on the ears.
dropping such a sizable bollock, the chums have to battle through town and
confront evil whilst trying to undo the mayhem they've created.
Although similar in
plot to a number of films I've seen, this one benefitted from being a comedy
with some actually funny jokes, the scene early in the film featuring evil
goons being berated for a botched decapitation in particular made me do a plump
A little-seen Vin
Diesel film that failed miserably when released (even though it's almost
certainly the best acting he'll ever do) because he spends most of it talking
rather than racing cars or punching aliens.
Trivia: His birthname
was Vinyard Petroleumspirit.
A young ladyplod
starts her first shift at a remote police station. Showing an admirable
eagerness, she arrests a slow-witted car thief on the way in after he crashes
into a bearded chap who then disappears. As soon as she gets to the station,
she realises that the few other copperplods based there are the types to ignore
the policy book apart from the times they're using it to beat people round the
face or wedge open a fire door.
Soon into her shift
the bearded chap walks in. Rather than asking for his version of events, they
decide to put him in a cell as apparently being the innocent party in an
accident puts you under suspicion in that place.
It turns out that the
bearded chap may not be as human as he appears and, well, pretty much everyone
is a right fucking wrong 'un and he's there to confront them with their sins.
The two leads,
Pollyanna Mckintosh and Liam Cunningham are both very convincing, some of the
supporting cast aren't really up to par so they kinda frustrate the overall
quality a little. Shame as it could've been really good instead of pleasingly
Also, and it's a real
pisser, a few years back I wrote a book with a plotline so similar it'd be
almost embarassing to try and get it published now.
it's loads better. Steven Hawkings said it's the best book he's ever read!*
*He was talking about a
different book at the time, but that doesn't matter.
This was Steve
McQueen's first leading role. He was playing a teenager, he was 27 and looked
ten years older. The elder townsfolk keep refering to him as "Kid",
it made me chuckle. Also, the blob looks a bit like an angry ballsack. That
also made me chuckle.
In a world where
people achieve so much to advance the progress of mankind, I spent ninety
minutes in my dressing gown on the sofa before work yesterday laughing at a
gelatinous mass that's slightly scrotal in appearance. Well done, me.
I loved this film
when I first saw it as a kid in thirty something years ago. Watching it as an
older, fatter human I still enjoyed it although some of the plot points (Oliver
Reed becomes a werewolf because he's an illegitimate child born on Christmas
day?) are a big pot of testicles.
time. Years ago I was mates with a fellow who was good chums with Oliver Reed's
son. He was really into his custom bikes and suchlike. He was considering using
a Rolls Royce as the base for a trike. Apparently Rolls Royce got to hear of
this and threatened legal action (can't see how they could, but anyway) as it
would besmirch their good name, or some other such fucking poncery you'd associate with the builders of the world's finest cuntwagons.
When Papa Reed heard
of this he was apparently very enthusiastic that Jnr. go ahead and build the
thing so that he could bring great publicity to the court case and show up
Rolls Royce for being pissy spastics.
Who build really
expensive cars for wankers.
Well, when I say 'fascinating',
what I should've typed is 'A story'.
Dunno why we like
this show, nothing ever really happens, it's never side-splitting funny and
normally we'd find stuff like this bollocks, but somehow we seem pretty loyal
to it, watching all the series, the film and now this live show.
If you're a fan,
you'll like it, if not, you probably won't.
This was a three-part
mini-series that we pretty much watched in one go, so I'm including it as a
It's based on a book
written many years ago by Arthur C. Clarke, which involves a load of alien
motherships turning up and floating over the world's cities. The occupants
become known as The Overlords due to them telling humans to stop bollocking
about with wars and diseases and suchlike and show us how we're all the same,
irrelevant of how much money you've got or what name you choose for God.
The aliens refuse to
reveal themselves for the first fifteen years, but communicate their intentions
to us via some humble farmer fellow who acts as their spokesman. Imagine a
version of Blind Date that goes on for over a decade. But with a farmer instead
of Cilla Black.
Beyond the Mysterious
World TV show he fronted in the '80s, I have never really taken much notice of
Clarke's stuff, therefore I didn't know the story of the book/show. When the
aliens first reveal themselves I thought it was a cracking moment.
The first third was
ace, the second was good but the last was a bit meh.
The fifth year of
Film Plop, eh? Well, you've only got yourself to blame if you're reading this
Anyway, this was the
first film we watched of the year. Not great, but not deserving of the terrible
reviews it's had. And the twist that many reviews have considered terrible is
exactly the same as one from a recent-ish film that was adored by most. Even though
it was also a bit shit.