Thursday, 21 January 2016

20/01/16 Outland (1981)

Sean Connery plays a Spacecop. Not bad if you're in the mood for a drab looking Sci Fi western.


20/01/16 Kill Kane (2016)

Imagine Dead Man's Shoes, but shit.

Watch Dead Man's Shoes instead, that's fucking brilliant.


--/01/16 Born Wild (2013)

Some bloke, can't remember his name, let's call him Billy Penis, gets out of jail, meets a number of family members he didn't know about, buys a pub, bit of fighting, ends. Not great, but the actors tried their best and I've seen worse.


--/01/16 The Abandoned (2015)

Woman gets a job in a spooky building. Spooky things occur. Ends. Starts well, gets boring.


--/01/16 Mercury Plains (2016)

Not a bad idea for a film, US criminals acting as FBI over the Mexican border to rip off drugs and money being shifted around by the cartels.

Would the FBI actually have any legal authority in that country? I know they have arrested some people here in the U.K., but America still seem to have the controlling share of this country with China making great gains recently.

I mean, working under the assumption that whatever slim remains there are of state assets will soon by sold off by this current government of truth-murdering, poor-hating child-fuckers, who do we actually want running the UK by default in the next few years?

Pros China:
Lots of cool temples and loads of history.
Good at martial arts.
Far away and exotic-ish.
Bloody love rice!
All seem to live to about 400 years old consuming only gravel and cigarettes.

Pros America:
They speak a basic version of our language.
Good at guns.
Often very lovely people.
Bloody love burgers!
Almost every car they built between 1950-1980 gets me tragically excited.


Cons China:
Aggressive expansionist capitalism under a veneer of socialism? It'd be Tony Blair all over again.
Speak lots of funny languages that sound like they're having an angry poo.
Anything they build with an engine appears to have the resilience of explosive chocolate.
Even thinking about workplace rights will prob get you shot.

Cons America:
Aggressive expansionist capitalism considered a path of true divinity.
Speak like cunts. Loudly.
Can't handle their drink.
Doing anything will prob get you shot.

Oh yeah, the film's alright for a cheap effort. A little more polish and it would've been quite good.

Oh, If you're American or Chinese, shut-up you cabbage. All the above was written from the perspective of someone living in a wankhole country that you probably own more of than I ever will.

Don't mean that in the UKIP sense, I'd change my name to Chevrolet Ping before I ever voted for those cunts.

I'll stop now.


--/01/16 StalkHer (2015)

Man stalks woman, turns out she might be a bit odd as well. Australian.


--/01/16 The Devil's Advocate (1997)

Keanu Reeves plays a small town lawyer who's employed by Al Pacino's city high-flyer to do law things. 
Turns out Pacino's character may be a little older and more sinister than first appearances. The clue is in the film's title and the fact that Pacino plays someone called B. L. Zeebub or Kenneth Secretlydevil or whatnot. Anyway, it's a load of twaddle, but I was comfy on the sofa and it came on TV.


--/01/16 Solace (2015)

Anthony 'The Ham' Hamkins plays a psychic who's bought out of retirement to do one more job finding a serial killer.

You ever noticed his greatest skill as an actor is being able to talk very fast yet very clearly, it makes him sound all wise and authoritative and shit. The rest is mostly wigs probably. I used to think he was pretty good in Legends Of The Fall until Podd pointed out how much he resembles Father Jack at the end.


--/01/16 Lawless Range (2016)

Two brothers work on a big farm. One of them is a responsible adult, the other one's a bit rubbish. There's a bit of crime then it ends.


--/01/16 Deathgasm (2015)

Some teenage metalheads find some ancient sheet music and play it thinking it's a lost track from one of their favourite bands.

Turns out it's the 'Dark Hymn', a piece of music that, when played, summons the king of demons and results in everyone within earshot vomiting blood and becoming possessed. Pretty much Kiss FM but slightly easier on the ears.

Anyway, after dropping such a sizable bollock, the chums have to battle through town and confront evil whilst trying to undo the mayhem they've created.

Although similar in plot to a number of films I've seen, this one benefitted from being a comedy with some actually funny jokes, the scene early in the film featuring evil goons being berated for a botched decapitation in particular made me do a plump LOL.


--/01/16 The Throwaways (2015)

Film about some hacker that assembles a team of skilled rejects to steal back some magic key or nuclear bombs or weaponised unicorn or some fucking shit.

Watchable enough fluff, but the title also works as a review.


--/01/16 Find Me Guilty (2006)

A little-seen Vin Diesel film that failed miserably when released (even though it's almost certainly the best acting he'll ever do) because he spends most of it talking rather than racing cars or punching aliens.

Trivia: His birthname was Vinyard Petroleumspirit.


--/01/16 Let Us Prey (2014)

A young ladyplod starts her first shift at a remote police station. Showing an admirable eagerness, she arrests a slow-witted car thief on the way in after he crashes into a bearded chap who then disappears. As soon as she gets to the station, she realises that the few other copperplods based there are the types to ignore the policy book apart from the times they're using it to beat people round the face or wedge open a fire door.

Soon into her shift the bearded chap walks in. Rather than asking for his version of events, they decide to put him in a cell as apparently being the innocent party in an accident puts you under suspicion in that place.

It turns out that the bearded chap may not be as human as he appears and, well, pretty much everyone is a right fucking wrong 'un and he's there to confront them with their sins.

The two leads, Pollyanna Mckintosh and Liam Cunningham are both very convincing, some of the supporting cast aren't really up to par so they kinda frustrate the overall quality a little. Shame as it could've been really good instead of pleasingly average.

Also, and it's a real pisser, a few years back I wrote a book with a plotline so similar it'd be almost embarassing to try and get it published now.

Although, obviously, it's loads better. Steven Hawkings said it's the best book he's ever read!*

*He was talking about a different book at the time, but that doesn't matter.


--/01/16 Kingdom Of The Spiders (1977)

Made in 1977, starring William Shatner, about spiders. You can work out the rest.
To Boldly Go/10


--/01/16 The Blob (1958)

This was Steve McQueen's first leading role. He was playing a teenager, he was 27 and looked ten years older. The elder townsfolk keep refering to him as "Kid", it made me chuckle. Also, the blob looks a bit like an angry ballsack. That also made me chuckle.

In a world where people achieve so much to advance the progress of mankind, I spent ninety minutes in my dressing gown on the sofa before work yesterday laughing at a gelatinous mass that's slightly scrotal in appearance. Well done, me.


--/01/16 Sinister 2 (2015)

Even sinistery!

Mediocre sequel to also-shite first film.


--/01/16 Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves (1991)

Set during that curious period in medieval English history where most of us were American and Nottingham was a much, much nicer place.


--/01/16 Riot (2015)

A man gets sent to prison and then has a fight for the rest of the film, stopping for mere seconds at a time to allow small plot issues to be discussed.


--/01/16 The Curse Of The Werewolf (1961)

I loved this film when I first saw it as a kid in thirty something years ago. Watching it as an older, fatter human I still enjoyed it although some of the plot points (Oliver Reed becomes a werewolf because he's an illegitimate child born on Christmas day?) are a big pot of testicles.

Fascinating story time. Years ago I was mates with a fellow who was good chums with Oliver Reed's son. He was really into his custom bikes and suchlike. He was considering using a Rolls Royce as the base for a trike. Apparently Rolls Royce got to hear of this and threatened legal action (can't see how they could, but anyway) as it would besmirch their good name, or some other such fucking poncery you'd associate with the builders of the world's finest cuntwagons.
When Papa Reed heard of this he was apparently very enthusiastic that Jnr. go ahead and build the thing so that he could bring great publicity to the court case and show up Rolls Royce for being pissy spastics.
Who build really expensive cars for wankers.

Well, when I say 'fascinating', what I should've typed is 'A story'.


--/01/16 Invaders Of The Lost Gold (1982)

Everyone speaks in English, but the acting is so bad, I kept thinking it had been dubbed by people who were reading the script from a different film.

Enjoyable enough if you're in the mood for something amusingly shit.


--/01/16 Dumb Criminals The Movie (2015)

An Australian film that is almost enough evidence to legally ban Australians from ever making films.


--/01/16 The Towering Inferno (1974)

A film made in the '70s about a big building.


It catches fire.


--/01/16 Stir Of Echoes (1999)

Before Kevin Bacon advertised mobile phones, he used to be in films. In this one he digs a hole and talks to a dead teenager.


--/01/16 The Trailer Park Boys: Drunk, High & Unemployed (2015)

Dunno why we like this show, nothing ever really happens, it's never side-splitting funny and normally we'd find stuff like this bollocks, but somehow we seem pretty loyal to it, watching all the series, the film and now this live show.

If you're a fan, you'll like it, if not, you probably won't.


--/01/16 Childhood's End (2015)

This was a three-part mini-series that we pretty much watched in one go, so I'm including it as a film.

It's based on a book written many years ago by Arthur C. Clarke, which involves a load of alien motherships turning up and floating over the world's cities. The occupants become known as The Overlords due to them telling humans to stop bollocking about with wars and diseases and suchlike and show us how we're all the same, irrelevant of how much money you've got or what name you choose for God.

The aliens refuse to reveal themselves for the first fifteen years, but communicate their intentions to us via some humble farmer fellow who acts as their spokesman. Imagine a version of Blind Date that goes on for over a decade. But with a farmer instead of Cilla Black.

Beyond the Mysterious World TV show he fronted in the '80s, I have never really taken much notice of Clarke's stuff, therefore I didn't know the story of the book/show. When the aliens first reveal themselves I thought it was a cracking moment.

The first third was ace, the second was good but the last was a bit meh.


--/01/16 Guns For Hire (2015)

The fifth year of Film Plop, eh? Well, you've only got yourself to blame if you're reading this balls.

Anyway, this was the first film we watched of the year. Not great, but not deserving of the terrible reviews it's had. And the twist that many reviews have considered terrible is exactly the same as one from a recent-ish film that was adored by most. Even though it was also a bit shit.