Wednesday, 30 March 2016

30/03/16 Nina Forever (2015)

Bit like an emo hipster version of Hellraiser.

But with a really annoying thin woman who won't fucking shut up instead of that bloke who slithers up from the floorboards or Pinhead.

It's probably an excellent film, and I can see why many people think it is, but it's just not for me.

However, if I was handing out awards for fucking fantastic meat-pillows, the (living) girl in this would be a contender for gold.


29/03/16 Slender (2015)

If I wanted to be all chin strokey like one of them poncey reviewers who actually give a splash, I'd prob write something including shit like "Blah, blah blah, digital age has created it's own folkloric entities... Blah, blah, blah, the nature of something 'going viral' can have ominous secondary blah, blah, blah..." but I can't be bollocksed. Instead this is a found footage film where a bunch of wankers disappear up their own arses due to a pretend internet ghost.


28/03/16 Rites Of Spring (2011)

For most of the running time this is almost two seperate films, one about a strange rural cult making human sacrifices to some cornfield deity to ensure a season of bountiful crops, (probably what those wankers The Countryside Alliance get up to) the other plot is about a group of small-time chancers attempting a kidnapping/extortion on a local wealthy businessman.

The acting's good, it's tightly edited, short running time, decent sense of peril, excellent camera work, what more do you want from a low budget film like this?

Also, if anyone's looking for a name for their pretentious indie band, I've just decided Cornfield Deities would be flippin' great. If you take it and you're successful, just do a song called 'Cheers, Filmplop' by way of thanks.


28/03/16 Carry On Jack (1963)

Nail-biting documentary.


27/03/16 Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Reborn

Obscure art-house, mumblecore remake of the massive global blockbuster Turkish Star Wars. It tries hard, but it'll never match the original.


27/03/16 They're Watching (2016)

Found footage film about a house renovation show that accidentally gets involved in some rural supernatural bother over in one of those East European countries where people drive to work on a potato. Actually enjoyed it more than I normally would, but it's probably because I watched it during today's quiet shift at work rather than sitting at home eating chocolate like every other bastard.


26/03/16 The Big Short (2015)

Strange film, 2hrs and 10mins long and it's about the 2008 financial crash, yet it still manages to be entertaining and swift moving.

Aside from Brad Pitt's vanity role, there's very few likable characters. The main players are a bunch of people who saw the crash coming, claim it's the work of criminal financial institutions who use the taxpayer's (especially those on a lower income) money as the bricks to build their castles of fiscal immorality.

All very true and fair enough.

However, those same people all then take rich people's money to invest in the probability of a global economic fuck-up, and make gargantuan profits when it happens, making themselves, and the wealthy, a lot of money from everyone else losing all of theirs. These people are framed within the plot as the rogueish, plucky underdogs of the financial world, when all they're doing is playing the same game as those they claim to despise, but a little more astutely.

So the conscience the film tries to project feels false as it still comes across as a prayer in the temple of money.

That said, the final five minutes are quietly powerful. Steve Carrell's character reflects on the banking world crashing and says along the lines of "It'll be the same as it's always been in times of economic hardship, immigrants and the poor will take all the blame", and there follows a voiceover describing how rather than the crash tethering the excesses of the financial world, it has in fact given them more freedom than ever.

Yeah, pretty much nailed it there.


--/03/16 The Change-Up (2011)

See below.


--/03/16 The Heat (2013)

Another one I didn't watch. Podd enjoyed it more than she'd admit in public.


--/03/16 Deadpool (2016)

Podd watched this after I had said it was good fun. She found it to be good fun. Therefore in this, like all things*, I am right.

*Prob not all things.


--/03/16 The 5th Wave (2016)

Film made for (presumably) younger teenagers about an alien force that tries to destroy humanity so they can occupy Earth. The waves of attacks are non-confrontational, employing technology and disease to wipe us out, a global EMP, enhanced bird flu and whatnot. Bunch of puffs. Why not come down and settle it in a pub car park? Wankers.

Anyway, the first half hour of the film is surprisingly good, after that it starts making giant leaps of non-logic that appear to have fallen out of someone's bum. We also called the terrible twist from the start but doubted we was right 'cos it's so stupid. We was right though.

Even after it flies the UFO of common sense up its own arse, it still, surprisingly, manages to be entertaining enough if you're in a forgiving mood.


--/03/16 Overboard (1987)

I didn't see this as I've been at fucking work all the fucking time lately. Podd watched it though. She has a strange fondness for woolly comedies made in the '80s.


--/03/16 Bill (2015)

A comedy about little known writer, Billy Shakespeare. Quite funny and stuff.


--/03/16 The Lesson (2015)

This film starts poorly, looking like it was filmed on a phone and with acting comparable to a Crimewatch reconstruction, but then about a third in, the performances improve greatly. The chap playing the teacher who goes a bit radio rental is particularly good. However the end is a bit crap and there's some highly unlikely contrivances which affect it's overall quality.


--/03/16 The Survivalist (2015)

Some years after an unspecified apocalyptic event a chap with crap dreadlocks is living in a shed in Ireland. He spends his days robbing dead bodies, tending to his allotment and wanking into a potplant. Bit like how I imagine retirement is for many.

One day a mother and daughter happen upon his shack and they strike a deal where in exchange for some of his meagre food supplies, can have sex with the daughter rather than the daffodils. Something, something, planting a seed etc.

They don't really trust each other, but manage to form a shaky bond. Other people occasionally turn up and rather than forming further sex pacts, it all gets a bit killy. Then it ends.

It's good but not exceptional, the reviewers, however, seem to be wanking all over it as if it was the worlds sexiest pot of cress.


--/03/16 Harry Price: Ghost Hunter (2015)

TV film about real life spook peeper although the makers invented some things and pretended he done that instead of the numerous much more film-worthy stuffs he was actually involved in.


Thursday, 17 March 2016

16/03/16 Point Break (2015)

Achieves the impressive by making the original seem like a mature, thoughtful film with a credible plot and brilliant performances.

Acting: you could draw a face on a balloon, pin it to a shirt and achieve something similar.

Ray Winstone's accent: Starts of as bad American, then, literally, half way through one scene, he gives up and becomes the same Cockney wanker he's been for forty years.
West 'Am, Chas & Dave, Pint of lager, a black eye for Shirley, gawd bless the Krays etc.

Dialogue: Possibly scripted by some form of moderately sentient potato.

Directed by a guy called Ericson Core. A mobile phone directed this film?

A plot about a bunch of eco-extremists who attain spiritual enlightenment via a series of 8 extreme sports challenges and try and save the planet by leaving possibly the biggest carbon footprint ever created by a small group of people and singuarly depleting the remaining supplies of fossil fuels by a significant amount:

"My brethren, we shall save the planet?"


"First we shall drive our massive off road vehicles to where we have stored or endless collection of powerful two-stroke motorbikes, which we shall then ride to the dock. Upon arrival, we shall each take a powerboat out to a massive luxury yacht so we can drink champagne and listen to loud, dull music."

"Will there be women there?"

"Yes, but they shall be forgettable and poorly written."

"Excellent! By the way, all you tattoos are really wank"


In conclusion, this is awful and a good reminder as to why I prefer watching low budget shit that knows it's shit rather than high budget shit that pretends it isn't.



15/03/16 The Exorcism Of Anna Ecklund (2016)

Andrew Jones' 54th film of the year, (it's obviously been a slow one so far) using the same cast and crew as his previous 800 or so. 
Like the other Andrew Jones films I've seen, Lee Bane is the best thing in it, the guy's a really solid actor. The film itself is mostly forgetably generic and derivative but does have an almost interesting ending.

However, as I say with tedious regularity on here, I'd rather watch a cheap film that tries hard than an expensive one that doesn't care.


14/03/16 Omen 3: The Final Conflict (1981)

Sam Neill plays Damien Thorne. A man who, judging from this film, is 50% evil 50% ham, like some form of untrustworthy sandwich.

S'alright if you're in the mood for such nonsense.


12/03/16 Wither (2012)

Some European teens, from Finmark or Swegium or somewhere, stay in a cabin in the woods and it all goes very bollock-shaped when things turn a bit possessed zombie.

Described by numerous people as a near-remake of the first Evil Dead film, when you watch it you feel that's a pretty fair comment. If you like that, you'll probably enjoy this.

One part made us laugh, the first teen, a slightly-built girl, has just become possessed, she's attacked a friend upstairs and has made her way downstairs where her friends open an internal door to see her.
Without, surely, having any idea that his friend, the 90lb female, is possessed by evil, and is, presumably, covered in her own blood after some horrific accident, a large muscular male youth doesn't pause to ask after her well-being but instantly starts punching her repeatedly in the face.
Fucking hell, mate. Don't ever become a paramedic.

I dunno, maybe that's just a form of greeting in Norland or Germaly.


11/03/16 Road Games (2015)

The best thing about this film set in contemporary France is the Rover P6 that one of the characters drives. If you're as terminally dull as me, you'll be mildly disappointed to note that it's the 2200 SC rather than a TC or, best of all, a V8.

I have had sex, honest.

Anyway, France, tourist, muderist loony killing hitchhikers, possibly a twist ending but interest had diminished enough not to be taking notice by then.


11/03/16 Pride And Prejudice And Zombies (2016)

Too much ruffled poncery and not enough zombies.

Never read any Jane Austen, and knowing that the original wouldn't have had the mild horror stuff makes me forever inclined not to.

A bunch of women talking about which chinless arsehole they want to marry? Sounds like ITV4 or some shit, fuck that and take your corset with you.


05/03/16 The Visit (2015)

Documentary from the talented Michael Madsen, as in the film maker, not the craptor whose best known for cutting off a rubber ear.

He gathers a large collection of thinky-people and asks them what they reckon would happen if aliens ever visited Earth.
He's made an excellent selection of boffin-folk as they give their best educated guesses about how such contact would effect us from a social, religious, scientific and military point of view.

Most importantly, however, was that at one point the camera passes a wall that someone appears to have graffitied with the word 'pubes'.

LOL etc.

Anyway, it's very good.


05/03/16 Future Shock! The Story Of 2000AD (2014)

Anyone who grew up in Britain in the '70s and '80s will be aware of 2000AD the comic. This documentary does a great job in reminding you how big is was back then.

To condense it greatly, it can be summarised as "Fuck the Tories, let's get pissed and try and get kids to think about the world."

If you ask me, that's a life well spent.

There is, thankfully, much more detail to the story than that, and it's told in a very entertaining way. There's some genuine LOL moments, some naked display of ego, shameful admission of sexism in comics, and a fantastic final line.

If you like comics, UK history or looking at strange people who draw pictures for a living, this is definitely worth a go.


04/03/16 Cryptic (2014)

Terrible shit.


Wednesday, 16 March 2016

03/03/16 Plan 9 (2015)

A film loosely based on, rather than a direct remake of, Plan 9 From Outer Space. Which I'm pretty confident you've heard of.

With a budget and production values not much greater than the original, it manages to just about stay on the right side of entertaining and some of the dialogue made me chuckle. Also, if you're a fan of cleavage, there's quite a lot in this.

Boobs! \o/


02/03/16 You Are Not Alone (2014)

Film about a young lady getting stalked by some fucking nutbag with killy intentions. In an effort to be original, it's told from a first person POV, so you get to see life through the eyes of a teenage girl.
Those last few words have probably sent ripples through the internet and spiked its masturbatory algorithms.

However, in a move that will flatline the interest of many, this isn't footage of shower gel being applied to intimate areas for two hours, but rather a few days in the life of an arse-bendingly annoying, vapid sounding dullard who ends up "Like, totally, umm, being followed or something. By some, like, guy, who wants to kill me or, like, whatever?"

If you're, like, fifteen, or something, it's probably, like, OK.

If you're not, it's a bit tedious.


01/03/16 The Fear Of 13 (2015)

Storyville documentary where a chap who's spent most of his life in prison sits in front of the camera and tells his story.

Quite a story it is as well, although the overall message is one of one human spirit eventually triumphing under a weight that would crush many others.

Well worth 90 minutes of your life to hear about thirty years of someone else's.