Saturday, 30 November 2013

30/11/13 Strippers vs Werewolves (2012)

Oh, c'mon.

That poster somehow makes it look better than it actually is.


30/11/13 Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators (2013)

Poorly rendered pixel-reptiles unconvincingly bite some bad actors. Some woman calls one of the alligators 'Dad'.


30/11/13 Seraphim Falls (2006)

Two Irish fellas pretend to be American. Pierce Bond and Liam Taken follow each other for a bit then have a couple of fights. All because of an accidental child roasting.


30/11/13 Hawk The Slayer (1980)

The Crapper Channel put this on next. It's a film about a strange version of medieval England where no one would notice an American with a floating sword.


Yeah, I know how terrible it is.

30/11/13 Alien Encounter (2008)

As we had a weekend off and nothing to do, we have spent most of the day watching The Horror Channel. The best part of the day was when I went for a nap and had a dream involving Chinese food, paintball guns, rollercoasters and stern women with massive boobs.

Anyway, in this film some people who have literally no acting ability wake up on a beach and then seem to recall being bum-fondled by spacemen. The blonde woman in driving gloves is awful beyond words.



29/11/13 Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (2013)

If you know the character, you can make a safe approximation of what the film's like.

I've been to Norfolk a couple of times. They're different up there. Odd place, I recommend a visit.


Wednesday, 27 November 2013

26/11/13 Kick-Ass (2010)

The first part of the punchy, swear-child story.

Not as good as I remember.



26/11/13 Invitation Only (2009)

Apparently Taiwan's first Slasher film. Hopefully their last.

It's actually more of a 'torture porn' effort. Which is the lazy film-maker's path to getting gore on screen.

Total foreskin.


24/11/13 Images (1972)

Lots of people seem to think this is some sort of forgotten gem, A detailed and powerful portrayal of a woman's descent into loonybonk madness.

It's not, it's a tedious, dated, sack of arse where some actors be all actorly for 100 fucking boring minutes.

Load of ol' wank. 

Also, the scene where the husband comes home and takes off all his clothes apart from his shirt and his driving gloves made us want to punch him up the bollocks. What a spaz.



24/11/13 The New Republic (2011)

well acted, well scripted, too long and far too politically vague in its message. However, it does have some nice satirical touches; particularly the 'Internet 2' which is a strictly government controlled, sanitised, heavily filtered version of the internet we all know and masturbate to.

Just like the one that clueless, Bullingdon, half-wit, spam-faced, balloon-headed motherfucker David Cameron is so keen to introduce over here in Blighty.

Seriously, if you're British and you voted for that cunt, I will fight you.

Anyway, for all its good acting and possibly good intentions, the film's too boring.


Sunday, 24 November 2013

23/11/13 The Abomination (1986)

Terrible ol' bollocks about a woman who has a tumour. She coughs it up and it enters her son and makes him kill people unconvincingly.

Got a copy purely 'cos it has the brilliantly named Gaye Bottoms in it. She plays 'girl in cemetary'.

It's shitting awful.

That's the name of this film.

Feed me pants!!!

"What's wrong?"
"Well, Doctor, I've developed a bit of discolouration on the ol' fella..."
"I've got a blue thompson."

Exciting scenes in this film include a woman opening a door!

Gaye Bottoms!!! *High fives the planet*


Saturday, 23 November 2013

23/11/13 The Devil's Dozen (2013)

Pretty bloody weak. Directed by the fella from Mallrats that isn't Jason Lee.

Blah, blah, blah, leaked onto the net.

23/11/13 Return Of The Jedi (1983)

A woman and her son move to America hoping for a better life and to find a way of preventing the boy from suffering the same degenerative eye disease as the mother.

Hang, on, that's Dancer in The Dark, the one where Bjork tits about in a factory.

Fuck knows then, this must be about space pixies or some shit?


22/11/13 Deranged: Confessions Of A Necrophile (1974)

I think this is about the 140th film I've seen that's based on the dubious activities of real-life rumulist Ed "Giggles" Gein.

In this the thinly disguised Gein is called Ezra Cobb, played (superbly) by the brilliantly named actor Roberts Blossom.

Anyway, as you can probably guess, he pisses about with dead people and adds a few to their numbers.

It has an odd realism and griminess that's sadly absent from most modern horror films, not to mention a cast that look like actual people rather than the shiny plastic arseholes that perform impressions of humans on camera these days.

Anyway, yeah, it's good.

"Then what happened?!"
"Bella had a vampire baby!"

"You just lay still, love. I'll do the rest."

Flight of the Conchords?

Adding pictures to 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' excited women even more!


"Can I get you anything else, Mrs Gottlesphiel?"
"Some tinned pilchards, ya feely bastard."


22/11/13 Frankenstein's Castle Of Freaks (1974)

I don't bloody know, it had some boobs and a caveman in it. It's Italian from the '70s, that probably explains everything.


22/11/13 Snatch (2000)

Plastic cockney directs some people in a story set in a pretend London. For any non-Brits, here's a quick guide to rhyming slang as used by all English people.

George Lucas - Mucus

Beefy pocket - Space rocket

Jeremy Hunt - Total cunt

Throbbing pebbledash - Pie & mash

Hitler's mouse - House


21/11/13 The Suckling (1990)

Bonkers twaddle about a woman who goes to a brothel to have an abortion. The foetus gets flushed down the chod-bin and slaps into some toxic stuff which makes him mutate into a big vengeful monster who enjoys scuttling about in the brothel's plumbing.

Utterly excrellent.
7/10 (But in a crap way)

"Mr Jenkins, I'm really not sure teaching is the career for you"


I once got shitfaced on absinthe. The world went like this for a while.

Window scrotums, great for insulating your home.

"Oh, Gary! This place is just what we're after."



21/11/13 Byzantium (2012)

Two lady-vampires hide out in Hastings.

The horror of having to spend centuries on the run, hidden from both society and your own kind who want you dead, living in a continual series of hovels and slums, void of warmth, friendship, tenderness and love... None of these things are as bad as an evening in Hastings. Imagine Croydon by the sea, but somehow angrier.

Anyway, the film's all, like, boring and shit and I think in this one people become vampires by watching birds fly up a pipe or something. Having said that, I'd watch Gemma Arterton in pretty much anything. Y'know, for wanking purposes.



20/11/13 Mine Games (2012)

Some young people go on holiday, accidentally time travel and become dead. The token Brit was slightly less annoying than they normally are.


20/11/13 McCanick (2013)

David Squashyface plays a dodgy plod who enjoys hanging out with rent boys and eating carrots.


19/11/13 Charlie Countryman (2013)

Not officially released, but leaked onto the net, a video serach will prob dig it up. I wouldn't push yourself too hard though. Good first 20 minutes, then it's fairly meh. Bloke's mum dies, then her ghost tells him to move abroad. It's got the ginger bloke from the Harry Potter films and the twatty one from The Inbetweeners.


19/11/13 Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

Sequel about the continuing adventures of fighty children that swear.


Friday, 22 November 2013

18/11/2013 The Monster Club (1981)

Fun and camp anthology film which doesn't take itself too seriously. It's hard to believe it was made the same year as American Werewolf In London though as it seems at least a decade older.



Monday, 18 November 2013

17/11/13 The Last Of The Mohicans (1992)

If you don't like this film, you have an arse in place of a brain.


17/11/13 White House Down (2013)

Y'know when you watch a film expecting it to be really, really shit and it turns out to be embarrassingly entertaining?

One of them.


16/11/13 Highlander: Endgame (2000)

Some actual grown-ups dick about with plastic swords on rooftops that normally catch fire.


16/11/13 Frankenstein's Army (2013)

This is about the tenth film I've seen where a group of WW2 Allied troops stumble upon some secret Nazi experiment bunker that's using the occult or wacky science to create weapon-zombies. What slightly elevates this one above many of them is the fun design of the zombie/monster things. They're yer basic zombie walker types but with lots of whirly mechanical slicey death-bits added on. Kinda like an angry Ford Capri.

Anyway, if it's your sort of thing and you don't mind wobbly-cam then it's worth a go.


15/11/13 Machete Kills (2013)

The joke was tired after fifteen minutes into the first film. The sequel doesn't improve things.


Wednesday, 13 November 2013

13/11/13 Night Of The Lepus (1972)

It's not the bumular science, or that just getting bigger somehow makes rabbits carnivores (and growl/roar), or even the frequently chucklesome script and acting. Nope, the biggest flaw with this film is you cannot make a horror film about giant rabbits due to their total inherent adorableness.

"Captain! How did you defeat the huge number of giant rabbits?"

"Stroked their ears. And carrots."

Also, if I saw a ten foot rabbit, I'd just wanna jump on and ride it too work. Leave him in the car park in one of the 'Staff Rabbits Only' bays.
7/10 (scores high as it's a strong contender in the Killer Rabbit genre)

Possibly the world's smuggest looking horse. 

"Cast came off me leg last month, I just can't be bollocksed to walk."

'Tomato Sanchez' was the least successful superhero of the '70s. And his arm kept falling off.

"We're looking for a 10ft killer rabbit. But as this is Texas, you'll do."
"Also, why is your laptop made out of paper?"

The best quiff  in history. Also known as an 'Elvis Island'.

Utterly terrifying. Yes.