Monday, 27 July 2015

27/07/15 Laserblast (1978)

It would work well as a double bill with Gymkata.
5/10 (With +/- 5 points, depending on what you're after)

Dr Mellon? Sounds more like a Sid James kinda thing to me. Y'know, assisted by Matron Bristols etc.

"That's right, son. U.S. Army insanity division. Decorated at the battle of Bibble-Bibble Ridge. No if you don't mind, I'm busy, those windows ain't gonna lick themselves."

"Desmond! Found yer egg whisk, mate. left it in the desert again, you bellamy!"

"Would you like a glass of piss?"
"Yeah, thanks, er, Rodney Bewes?"

"To give the quick explanation, Croydon."

"I'm about to start my French car for the first time, will it be safe?"



26/07/15 Catch Hell (2014)

A young actor gets kidnapped by a pair of rednecks as he apparently did a sex with a Mrs Redneck. Some lightly satirical touches that elevate it beyond the usual bumrape-in-a-shack stuff.


25/07/15 Dark Was The Night (2015

Small town. Something eeeeeevil in the woods. Sheriff investigates. Lots of blue filter. Shares title with cracking bit of music.


24/07/15 Gymkata (1985)

Picture yourself as a high ranking decision maker involved in black ops during the cold war. There's a hostile, yet very strategically important, area that you think you may be able to convert to your way of thinking. Do you use:

A. Force? Send in a team of crack, shadowy elites to dispose of any obstacles and smoothly install a figurehead leader who plays for your team.

B. Financial incentives? A huge skip full of cash has universally persuasive powers. In the long game it will be a small price for a big advantage.

C. Co-operation? The offer of partnership and protection boosts the host nation's standing in the global arena and can bring all manner of economic/social opportunities.

D. A somersaulting 100lb dwarf in a Christmas jumper who can cartwheel and ponce about on a trampoline?

If you're lucky enough to have friends who enjoy watching terrible old shit for the unintentional humour with you, this one's a gem. Watching it on your own though, it's a bit of a drag.

"Falconry, Paul, is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman. First you choose a bird, then you put on some protection, find a place in the countryside giver her a good workout."
"Tony, your a fucking prick."
"I... I know, Paul. I'm lonely."

Yup, definitely be my choice to infiltrate a hostile Asian nation.

"...But you may know me by my street name, G-Money Killa"

"Tokyo Drift, mate. Best in the series."

Forking nonsense.

"Hello, Keith."

"Welcome to the league of heterosexuals"


24/07/15 The Fly 2 (1989)

He's back and even fly-ier! This time he means buzzness!

Enjoyable sequel which tells the story of Seth Brundle's son going from larvae, to child, to adult, to house pest. He was taken at birth by some generic EvilCorp who keep him housed in escape-proof labs where he is left to continue his dad's work. The main bad guy/boss of EvilCorp has always known that when Mini-Brundle reaches puberty, he will transform into a giant fly. For some reason he considers this creature his most valuable asset. Why?

What cocking good would a giant fly be? Presumably, as they normally do in such films, he has military potential in mind? So instead of remotely piloted missiles that can destroy a civilisation within the clench of a sphincter, this guy thinks the future of warfare is sending an army of  large insects onto the battlefield? Certainly it would be an intimidating sight, but any opposing strategists could probably prepare by installing large heaps of rotting food and a giant lightbulb for them to buzz around. Like the twats that occasionally make their way into my house do.

If any flies are reading this, you're total dicks, with your 500 eyes and whatnot.

The first hour plods a bit, but it really picks up in the last 25 minutes once he's fully transformed. Excellent creature effects. I suppose they had pretty much reached a peak in the late '80s before CGI invaded and spoiled everything.

"Am I a fly?"

"Don't be daft, Cuthbert. We're both penguins."

"I love you in that jumper. May I smell it?"
"No. ...Yes."

"Don't be all up in my shit. dawg."

Scene for the Japanese market. They love all that.


23/07/15 Dawn Patrol (2014)

Fairly tedious stuff about a young twat who gets murdered by another twat and his brother taking revenge. The twist was better than I was expecting though.

The people in this film are mostly surfers, there's a bit of that  twaddle about being "connected to the waves, man" and all that shit. I really wanted to try surfing some years ago, as it looks fun, not because I felt a tantric draw towards splashing about in water whilst wearing a rubber onsie like some kind of aquatic ponce. I reckon it'd be mostly rubbish anyway and you'd spend most of the time nearly drowning, falling off, having bits of poo float past and getting eaten by jellyfish.


23/07/15 Peterman (2014)

Story about a young junkie who's on the path to ruin, when some criminals abduct him and force him into cold turkey so he can crack open a safe for them.

I wonder if anyone will see this under the assumption that it's yet another fucking Marvel film about the world's dullest superhero. Called Peter. With a big 'P' on his chest.

P on his chest? Easy now, German readers.


21/07/15 True Story (2015)

Film about a man who pretends to be another man, whilst on the run for possibly murdering his family, who then becomes friends with the man he pretended to be. Based on a true story, which is just as well or the title would've been 'Made Up Stuff' or 'Fictional Events'.


Tuesday, 21 July 2015

21/07/15 Nosferatu (1922)

This film's been out 93 years. If you need another review before choosing whether to watch it, you're the most indecisive human who has ever lived.

Between them they had a full beard. And brilliant expressions.

Wouldn't it be great if he was randomly a Geordie?
"Alreet, Pet. Aah'm, just gonna bite yer neck. Divvent worry."

Big purple co... You get the idea.

Being a German boat, the captain was probably some arsehole in a suit who sailed it right up the arse of the boat in front. Like a wanker.

"Tobey! How are yer?"
"Not bad, Des. You?"
"Got a bollocking off the guv the other day."
"Too much horseplay. Boom! Boom!"
"You twat."
"C'mon, I'm only horsing around."

Modern horror films could learn a lot from the ones of a century ago.

This guy co-wrote 'It Was A Good Day' with Ice Cube. 


20/07/15 Exorcismus (2010)

If this film was a cake, it would be boring flavour.

She's not screaming, she's asleep and snoring.


20/07/15 Blood Creek (2009)

Starring Michael F. Assbender and Henry Cavill before they became Magneto and Posh Superman.

In the 1930s some German bloke goes to a farm in America because it's got a magic stone in the shed. He rubs a dead bird against it and then spends 80 years living in the farm's cellar drinking people's blood.

One of the people escapes, goes home for a shave, then comes back to shoot everyone.


20/07/15 Terminator Genysis (2015)

More enjoyable than Salvation, but that's really not saying much, is it?


19/07/15 River City Panic (2015)

Made for the price of a sandwich (from a corner shop, not some poncey expensive one from Waitrose) and appears to be, as the kids say, filmed on a potato.

It's cheap, has sluggish pacing, badly acted, and poorly plotted. However, unlike so many pocket money efforts, it doesn't try to be anything other than silly nonsense and I enjoyed it much more than many films that cost a thousand times as much yet have none of its soul.

Shit but fun.


Sunday, 19 July 2015

18/07/2015 Stake Land (2010)

Cracking vampire film by Jim Mickle (who also wrote and directed the recommended Mulberry St). These are nasty murderous vampires, not foppish mincers floating about in billowy white shirts. Nick Damici who co-wrote is excellent,as is Connor Paolo who plays the young fella he takes under his wing.

Our only niggle was how their nemesis becomes a super vampire.



17/07/2015 Shallow Grave (1994)

Another 90s film which hasn't fared so well under the retroscope.  Unlike Scream I was a proper fan of this when it was released but I didn't like it as much this time around.  The plot is still sound but the characters are total wankers even before they started on the morally questionable deeds. It has aged a bit in terms of the fashions and general vibe. I'd never noticed before that Ewan McGregor and Kerry Fox have interchangeable haircuts.

It's held up better than Scream though and Danny Boyle has done some decent films.



17/07/2015 Scream (1996)

Perkin said when this first came out that it was shite and all the people flanneling on about it were wrong. I didn't think it was that bad. This was the first time I'd watched it in a long time. It really is that bad. Smug, too sure of itself, unlikeable characters, bad dialogue, shockingly obvious red herrings and too many sequels.

If you liked it at the time watch it again and see if you still do.



Friday, 17 July 2015

16/07/15 Kajaki (2014)

I've never really been much of a fan of war films, but this was excellent. Highly recommended, especially for anyone considering joining the armed forces.


15/07/15 Munger Road (2011)

A bunch of teenagers go looking for a ghost. When they find one, they get all pissy about it. Bloody kids.


15/07/15 Mockingbird (2014)

Found footage film about a bunch of people who win video cameras then receive increasingly sinister messages. Mostly ones telling them to keep filming. Dull.


14/07/15 House On The Edge Of The Park (1980)

I imagine that there's been plenty written in the last thirty-five years about how shit this film is so I won't bother wasting anyone's time too much.
The 'highlight' for me was the twinkly, romantic music played during a rape scene as if to suggest, for a least one of the participants, that something beautiful or tender was taking place.

I enjoy numerous media that many people would consider challenging, however creating something that is disturbing, thought provoking *and* entertaining requires skill, subtlety and creative ability. Things that the makers of this film wouldn't recognise if they were fucked in the eyehole with them.
Thirty-five years ago.

Whilst some Richard Clayderman shit played in the background.



14/07/10 Jurassic World (2015)

There's a scene in this film where, seriously, a dinosaur runs in slow motion to save some humans, then after performing an act of lizardy heroism, he turns to the people and nods at them.

Podd enjoyed it. I found it to be typical Spielbergian wank. Also, after twenty years of advancements in CGI, the dinosaurs now look less realistic. Give me the Harryhausen plasticine stuff any time.
Lizard nod/10


12/07/15 I-Lived (2015)

Fun low budget film about an slim fellow who -just about- makes a living reviewing phone apps. He finds one called I-Live which is a motivational tool that advises you on how to achieve your life goals.
Sure enough, the app is eeeeeeeeeevil, and ends up becoming a dominating force in every users life making them perform increasingly horrific acts to become the person they aspire to be.

Pretty much the sort of thing that Charlie Brooker would write as an episode of Black Mirror but with less sixth form satire and nicer weather as it's set in west America rather than Stroud, Bumthorpe, Misery-On-Sea or some other place in Britain.


12/07/15 Final Girl (2015)

Some young girl who's parents have died is, inexplicably, raised by a complete stranger who moulds her into a fighting machine so that she can eventually kill the people who murdered his wife.
He claims he's unable to take revenge himself, due to, like, reasons and stuff, so instead decides to take an already emotionally fragile (presumably) child and shape her into someone who will kill without regret.

I imagine the to do list went something like:

Find child.
Buy weapons and shit.
Have child kill people.
Find inner peace knowing that all of the above is completely fine.

The film's well acted, well shot and all that stuff, but it suffers from various faults including plot holes big enough to pass a murderous child through.