Sunday, 30 June 2013

30/06/13 Redemption (2013)

The one where Jason Statham tries to act between the punchular scenes.

Contains a nun and a spoon.

30/06/13 Entity (2012)

Some people look for ghosts in Russia.

It was actually filmed in Yorkshire, you can tell by the the occasional wild flatcap spotted in the background and one scene is shot in front of a whippet bush.

Starts off OK, goes boring. Ends.


30/06/13 Compulsion (2013)

There's some story about Heather Graham's character being a cook who's a bit wobblebonk, but I was mostly distracted by her boobs.


29/06/13 Limitless (2011)

Bradley Cooper takes a magic pill and becomes a successful gobshite.


29/06/13 Zulu (1964)

3-4000 Zulus defeated by 150 British soldiers, most of whom were injured or ill. Moral of the story? Don't fuck with the British.

Of course, that's ignoring the colonialism and empire building that frames the events depicted in the film.

Also, if the film is to be believed, no one used to bleed in battles back then and people died from bayonet wounds without the blades actually touching them, making a hilarious "Meep!" noise as they expired.


29/06/13 Hammer Of The Gods (2013)

A bunch of Vikings bimble round ancient England and stop every now and then for a fight in the mud.

Low budget, well acted and some cracking action scenes.

A few people online are pissing on about historical inaccuracies, but if I'm watching a Viking film, as long as they're not tapping on a fucking Iphone, I don't really care.


28/06/13 Operation: Endgame (2010)

Entertaining nonsense about two opposing clandestine intelligence agencies who start to off each other with the creative use of stationary when locked-down in their shared office.


27/06/13 Class (1983)

Bloke shags his mates mum. Some great dialogue. Not as dated as many films from the early '80s.


27/06/13 The Business (2005)

The Nick Love film that's about Spain rather than football or the police.

Enjoyed it more than I remember, but that doesn't mean it's particularly good.


26/06/13 Gotham (1988)

Virgina Madsen plays a woman who might be a ghost and occasionally sits in a fridge. Didn't spot Batman.


Tuesday, 25 June 2013

24/06/13 The Purge (2013)

America experiences what life's like in Croydon for 12 hours.

There's a good idea for a film in there somewhere, but it's very well hidden.


23/06/13 Eye Of The Devil (1966)

47 years ago this might've seemed like an exciting and experimental film. Maybe you had to be there at the time but viewed now it comes across like a piss-poor student film, lots of unrelated, seemingly random imagery and stiff-faced pretentious acting obscure whatever plot there is. Load of ol' bollocks.


23/06/13 Dead Man Down (2013)

A man who looks like Kevin Webster posts a picture to some criminals.

Much more boring than it should be.


Sunday, 23 June 2013

23/06/13 Hawk The Slayer (1980)

I loved this film as a kid so I still enjoy it. However, objectively speaking, it's a right ol' testicle.
10/10 (Shut up!)


22/06/13 Brannigan (1975)

An overweight pensioner in a wig visits England to pick up a man.

Contains lots of nice vintage cars and a surprise Baldrick.
7/10 (In that it's entertaining without actually being 'good'.)

John Wayne, about to lube-up.

Picadilly Circus. Different but the same.

"You've been with her again! Haven't you, Terry!" *Sobs*

"This week on Time Team, we'll be in 1975."

London was so poor in the '70s, people couldn't afford stairs. They had to take the window.

"The advert said seven inches. That's five, tops."

A statement about the British motor industry if I ever saw one!

"Here, have another pie, you fat cunt."

"Pint of Watney's Old Bollock, Please Glenda."

"Gaaaah! Piss off midget!"


21/06/13 Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory (2011)

Justice is blind. Turns out it's occasionally deaf, dumb, corrupt or completely absent as well.

If you've heard of this film, you probably know what it's about, if you haven't, this is worth a read:

Aside from the crime itself, the most shocking thing in this film is the bare lack of neutrality shown by the judge. It's truly disgusting to see someone who is meant to represent the pinnacle of fairness and arbitrary wisdom so overtly directing a trial and jury towards an outcome.

The scene that sticks in my mind is where an "expert" on the occult is called to give evidence and spins out lazy shit about the suspects being heavy metal fans proves they are satanists and therefore guilty of murder.

The defence then reveals to the court that this professional witness' qualifications were bought via mail order and involved absolutely no tuition or study. At all.

In a sane world, this alone would put the trial on a rocky footing, instead the judge swats away the objection and instructs that the McExpert's testimony be taken into account and is of great value.

Well, I've just qualified as a king-poop of acumen from the university of Pot Noodle and I declare, with a genuine authority, that the judge and his witness are some of history's biggest pair of cunts.

So, the result is that three teenagers, spent 18 years in jail for a crime they didn't commit and the person or people who actually murdered three innocent kids has never been punished.

Massive cunt.


Monday, 17 June 2013

15/06/2013 Con Air (1997)

Unassuming model prisoner Nicolas Cage is hitching a lift home to his wife and daughter after being released when the convicts gain control of the aircraft.

Not a cerebral and deep film but highly entertaining and quotable.  Steve Buscemi's best role and Malkovich is also excellent.

The best shit film ever made.



Thursday, 13 June 2013

12/06/2013 In Their Sleep (2010)

Woman recovering from the death of her son finds a bloke of a similar age to him in peril but all is not as it seems! Fairly tame on violence by French film standards but you do see a fair amount of pubes and it also features a Citroen, cheese and a baguette for extra French points. It has the most French (in bad way) ending ever which spoils it.



Tuesday, 11 June 2013

08/06/13 Pain And Gain (2013)

Take a real-life murder case and turn it into a knockabout slapstick comedy in the way only a fuckbag like Michael Bay can.


07/06/13 V/H/S/2 (2013)

Sequel to V/H/S which, like the first, is released on DVD. 

Four short films with a fifth, wraparound, section. The middle two films, A Ride In The Park and Safe Haven are the highlights, Safe Haven, where a documentary crew visit an Indonesian cult HQ is by far the best.



Tuesday, 4 June 2013

02/06/13 The Quick And The Dead (1995)

If viewed as a traditional western with the usual themes of revenge, redemption and lawlessness, it's pile of shit.

However, if viewed as a cartoonish pastiche of gunslinger flicks, with pop video visuals and ADD editing, it's still a pile of shit.

However, quality issues aside, the biggest worry is the impression that Leonardo Di Caprio and Sharon Stone do of each other in the film. The resemblance is very strong, which could result in a potentially embarrassing trouser alarm.

Leonardo Di Stone

Sharon Caprio

"Mr Blumenthal says mix with tomatoes and olives and pan fry for twenty minutes"

Old time diseases include: Consumption, Dropsy, Rickets and Head-Gap

Relaxing between takes with a quick litre of gin.

An Elephant on water skis. Obviously.


Monday, 3 June 2013

02/03/13 Spirit Trap (2005)

I hate British attempts at yank-style teen-horror, it never works. This film suffers from many of the failings that typify the misery of such efforts: bratty behaviour, terrible acting, piss-poor script, dull pacing, a token yank, weak characterisation, Billie Piper's head.

Some sort of ouija board mishap results in a house full of twats getting spooked. Ends.

Anagram of: Is Tit Parp. Much better.


02/06/13 The Last Exorcism Part Two (2013)

Even lastier!!!

Total bumwater. which is a shame as the first one is very, very good and much better than you'd expect. Shame.


02/06/13 The Wind That Shakes The Barley (2006)

The Irish and the English kill each other, then the English fuck off out of Ireland, so the Irish kill each other.

Ken Loach has got a real bonk-on for filming scenes of dialogue between people in drab buildings.

Still, excellent film, even if the trousers look very itchy.


01/06/13 Nailbiter (2013)

Like a remake of The Descent but on a Lidl budget and based in a cellar rather than a cave.

And not very good despite starting well. Which is a shame as we enjoyed one of the writer/director's previous films.