Sunday, 31 May 2015

31/05/15 Results (2015)

Hipster comedy that forgot to use jokes.

31/05/2015 The X Files: I Want To Believe (2008)

Not really very X-Filey as it's a straight police investigation with no supernatural element (unless you count Billy Connolly's paedo priest being a bit psychic). Enjoyed it more the second time around but it's a bit of an X File in itself why they bothered to make it.

A larger mystery is how David "Monotone" Duchovny is considered a sex symbol and why Mulder and Scully still call each other by their surnames even though they're shagging. In fact they probably do that WHILE they're shagging.


The poster is quite cool though


30/05/2015 Blood Ties (2013)

A film about two brothers - one a cop and one a newly released from prison criminal type. Thought this was going to be another overly long ponderous crime film but turned out to be very good and engaging.  Set in the 70s unlike other films it did not over play the retro angle to make it distracting (American Hustle I'm looking at you) and apart from the cars you forgot about the time it was set in.



30/05/2015 Tootsie (1982)

Once TCM get hold of film they certainly like to get their money's worth.  This was on again and I sat through the whole thing despite only seeing it a few weeks ago (although before that I hadn't seen it for years). It is still awesome and it is still probably a bit odd how much I like this film. Probably the men in drag thing being ingrained in the British psyche.



30/05/2015 Cuban Fury (2014)

Predictable but pleasant enough comedy (although it's not really that funny).



29/05/2015 Miami Vice (2006)

I think I wrote on the Blackhat plop about Michael Mann's terrible decline. This is when the free fall was underway.  I often quite enjoy films which got a critical panning (the Total Recall remake which also stars Colin Farrell, for example) but this is bad. The most impressive thing about this film is the straightness of Jamie Foxx's hairline.

As I side point I find it amusing that Colin Farrell is called Colin.



29/05/2015 Dumb & Dumber To (2014)

*cough* some parts of this had us in tears of laughter. We were obviously thinking about something else.

Let's never speak of this again.

8/10 (but don't tell anyone)


28/05/2015 Gone With The Pope (2010)

28/05/2015 Here Comes The Devil (Ahí va el diablo) (2012)

Mexican film about some kids who go missing overnight and when they come back they're a bit possessed and whatnot.  It started well but we were pretty pissed by the end so probably need to re-watch the last 40 minutes. Ah, whisky

Up until the point I remember - 6.5/10


28/05/2015 The Harvest (2013)

Hardcore glumulist Michael Shannon is married to the equally glum Samantha Morton and they have a miserable child (not entirely his fault as he's terminally ill and in a wheelchair). Turns out his parents are bit odd. Yep this one's a right giggle. It's actually pretty dull.



Wednesday, 27 May 2015

27/05/15 The Living (2014)

Watching this at the moment. So far it's a decent, miserableak indie effort about an idiot hiring a killer to kill another idiot.
7.5/10 (Probably)


27/05/15 S.N.U.B! (2010)

You'll probably never see this. Just as well. It's shite.


26/05/15 Extinction (2014)

Some people go off to make a documentary about moss or something but accidentally find dinosaurs.

For a low budget effort, this was much better than we were expecting. Especially the effects, very impressive. Could do with trimming ten minutes of running up and down rocks, but that's forgiveable.

Most impressive was the fact that this was filmed in a Welsh forest that (fairly convincingly) doubled for Peru.

Peru, yesterday.

Wales, yesterday.

Although, judging by the woman in the vest, it was quite chilly.

Worth a go if you fancy a bit of found footage, Lost Island type stuff.


25/05/15 Ex Machina (2015)

As we're nearly half way through, I had to check again that this is still film of the year.


"Does this make my robot arse look big?"


--/05/15 The Night Crew (2015)

Like video rohypnol, sends you to sleep and leaves you remembering very little of it. Do not watch in the company of wrong 'uns.


--/05/15 Demonic (2015)

Some young people bollock about with a OuiJa board in a haunted house and nothing happens, no one dies and they all go home happy and plump.

Or they all die and stuff. One of the two.

--/05/15 He Who Dares (2014)

You'd think that the British, with our inexplicable love of fighting, would make the world's best action films, instead of some of the worse.



--/05/15 The French Connection (1971)

Gene Hackman plays a racist who misses his train so decides to take the car.


--/05/15 The Gathering (2003)

Silly ol' arsepudding about some bunch of people condemned to watch scenes of human tragedy for all time after being at the crucifixion and not shouting "I say! Stop this nonsense!

Christina Ricci's, er, 'bouncing' was enough to distract me from the weaker parts of the film. Which was pretty much everything else. Having said that, I actually quite enjoyed it.


--/05/15 Slow West (2015)

Plodding western about a chap trying to find his girlfriend.
Surprising amount of car chases, explosions and expensive penthouse flats.
Hang on, that's Fast & Furious, what I meant to say was Horses, pistols and all that.


--/05/15 The January Man (1989)

In a recent interview with Alan Rickman, Empire magazine described this as a little seen film about a serial killer in New York. I can't remember what else they said, but it made me think it was some Seven-like thriller. Instead it was knockabout arse with the tonal rigidity of a chocolate mousse.
But not as much fun as a chocolate mousse. Or as well acted. Or chocolatey.


--/05/15 Burying The Ex (2014)

Man's annoying girlfriend dies. Then comes back to life, annoying and a zombie.


--/05/15 Area 51 (2015)

As is the trend these days, it's been a while since we've updated, so here's the crap we've been watching the last ten days or so.

Some people break into Area 51 to have a look at some aliens. It all goes a bit wonky.

One scene made me wonder about something, whilst they're in the office bit of Area 51, they narrowly avoid being seen by a cleaner. Considering Area 51 is twice as secret as the Pope's browsing history, they'd surely have to be from a really elite cleaners agency:

"Starting Thursday? Not a problem, I have Phillip and Brenda. Both have level four toilet clearance and Brenda is trained to a level five waste paper bin"

Same goes for the other staffing aspects:

"Could I speak to Jasmine in H.R. please?"


"Hello, Jasmine. It's Kenneth from reverse engineering. I won't be in to work tommorow"

"Why's that?"

"I got bit by one of the aliens. And now my leg is being all funny."

"Was it Qualaark? He always gets a bit bitey at this time of year."

"No, it was Pip. Anyway, I'll get it checked out. Could you let Maurice know that I won't be in and tell him to go ahead with testing the beam drives on the T-Series droids?"

"Will do."

"Thanks, Jasmine."


Saturday, 16 May 2015

15/05/15 Strangers On A Train (1951)

Pretty sure everyone who has even a casual interest in films knows the rough plotline of this. Two strangers meet on a train (funnily enough, the title's something of a spoiler so far) They both have problems, a domineering father and an unfaithful wife, and so one of them suggests that they should murder the person that troubles the other, therefore blah, blah, blah.

64 years was a long time ago, from my experience, on a modern train journey you'd only have to approach the nearest person with a neck tattoo and say "Oh mate, stab that cunt" and it'd be job done. Or at least a good shoeing on a rail replacement bus service. Still, back in the early '50s, people used to wear a tuxedo to take a shit. Things were far more formal back then.

Anyway, as part of the 'What's the deal with Hitchcock' pledge, I watched this today. Definitely too dated to be thrilling by modern standards, the main bad guy is a laughably effeminate, dandyish fop, but it's still entertaining and very watchable.

Courtship was very stiff back then. Even facing each other pre-marriage was considered an unforgivable sex act.

"Gosh darn it, Gary! Are you being wanked off by a midget again?!"

"Yes, Miriam. Forgive me. It's their tiny hands, I can't resist 'em!"

"Good day, Sir. Welcome to my humble crib. I'm Papa G-Money, these are my bitches, Kanesha and Barbara."

IF this blog was to ever run caption competitions, this screen cap would prob be the first.

"Darling, would you like me to prune your hat?"
"Yes please, it's very upsetting."


15/05/15 Chappie (2015)

Pinocchio with a hard drive. Many mullets.


14/05/15 Exeter (2015)

If this film was a day, it'd be a Tuesday in February.


14/05/15 Black Sea (2014)

It's a bit like Alien, but on a submarine. And there's no aliens. I was expecting it to be scrotum, but it was actually pretty gosh-flippin' good. No a classic or whatnot, but I liked it. So there.


12/05/15 World War Dead: Rise Of The Fallen (2014)

If films were real, they'd be more flippin' reanimated nazi zombies than there are trees. Why are they always so fully formed? If someone's been in the ground for 70 years, they'd probably just be an arm and a jawbone when they come back to life. Or, like, a kneecap and a bollock.

Anyway, this film gives the impression that everyone involved tried their best, however that doesn't prevent it from being mediocre due to it's similarity to the other 587 nazi zombie films released this month.

11/05/15 Devil's Backbone, Texas (2015)

Proof that found footage horror films can still be effective and fun. Man goes off into the woods with some chums to visit what's left of the house his dad lived in. Things go a bit spooko-wonk.

Monday, 11 May 2015

10/05/15 It Follows (2014)

The horror fans have been wanking themselves flat then round again over this for a couple of months. I can see why, it's got an effective Carpenter-esque vibe that's all about 'creepy' rather than bloody, and you feel the sense of paranoia and fear build as the characters try and out run their fate.

However, for all the claims of orginality being spunked over it, it's pretty derivative. Very similar in plot to the wave of far-eastern ghost films that exploded in the early 2000s. Although rather than a haunted VHS tape or mobile phone, it's essentially about the damage a haunted penis can do.
The soundtrack and wardrobe choices both needed a fucking good kick in the spuds for being so intentionally '80s in style, something that film makers in their twenties keep doing without realising what cunts it makes them.

Sorry, cloud-based iCunts.

I know that may sound hypocritical after praising its Carpenter vibe, but a vibe is exactly that, a sensation or feeling you get as you watch a film, it's nothing to do with having your cast dress like arseholes.

However, it is much, much better than the tepid, jump-scare dogshit relentlessly pumped out under the name of horror these days so if you can ignore the above wankery, it's well worth a go.

*Turns out the writer/director is 40. He should know better.


09/05/15 Maggie (2015)

Thirty-one years after The Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger tries acting again.
Actually, it's more a case of the writer and director realising that he can probably do a half decent impression of acting if they minimise his dialogue and restrict anything that would require too much facial movement.

A zombie outbreak, poor crops and financial bollockery have left America (and presumably much of the world) in a bit of a pickle. Especially the zombie bit. Schwarzenegger's daughter moved/ran away to the big city a while ago and managed to get bitten by a shuffler. Arnold collects her so they can be together for whatever time she has left before the infection turns her into one of the undead.

Abigail Breslin does a fantastic job as the daughter. One part in particular, a brief campfire romance with another infected teen is (given the unlikely plot surrounding it) very touching and believable. A moment of tenderness and intimacy that lightens the burden of their shared fate.  Mirroring kids with real-world terminal illnesses, it's a scene that I found quietly heartbreaking. And all that gay stuff.

Actually, the whole film is melancholic and slow moving, none the worse for it either. There's only one scene that had anything resembling the action you'd expect in a zombie film, and that's very brief.



09/05/15 Run All Night (2015)

I read a review of this which said after a string of nonsense action films, Liam Neeson was back making decent films for grown-ups with thoughty stuff and plotlines.

Nah, they're wrong. It's bollocks.


08/05/15 Spooks: The Greater Good (2015)

Spies doing spy stuff. I thought the TV show took a turn for the bollocks about half way through its run, but this was a good effort.

Saw it with my brother who thought it was a 6/10, but he had been up most of the night after watching the terrible mistake that was the general election.

With that in mind, have a read of this: 

I thought it was closer to a 7/10 myself.


Taken from

Well done, Britain. Well fucking done.

07/05/15 The Slashening (2015)

Horror comedy/parody, made for peanuts and poorly acted but the script is sharp enough for most of the jokes to work.

06/05/15 Wrong Turn (2003)

One of the better films about young people getting lost in some woods and killed by inbreds.
Years ago, a friend of mine had a great expression: a good shit is better than bad sex.

I can't quite work out how to apply that to this film, but I'm sure there's a way.


05/05/15 Wild In Blue (2014)

Some guy murders people. He films it. Nearly managed to kill us with boredom.


05/05/15 Kingsmen: The Secret Service (2014)

There's a scene in this film where Colin Firth murders lots of Yank fundamentalists. Predictably enough, the IMDB message boards have a large number of postings from upset, cretinous ear-breathing bumwits.
We thought it was possibly the most enjoyable moment in a film we've seen for years.
Also, Rob Zombie, that scene is how you use the song Freebird effectively. You talentless dick.

Also, also, Rob Zombie, your music was shit.

Anyway, the plot of the film is basically Good Will Hunting with lots of guns.


04/05/15 Dredd (2012)

A documentary about life in contemporary Croydon. But with some of the unpleasantness played down.


04/05/15 Deep In The Darkness (2014)

A doctor and his family move to the countryside where he can still be a doctor but in a barn. The small town they move to hides a terrible secret, in the caves that run underneath the town, there's a small tribe of bad actors who demand sacrifices.

Dunno why the town's so scared of 'em. They're just people with mud on. Give 'em a fucking good shoeing and they'll go right back to their caves. Muddy puffs.


04/05/15 Carry On Abroad (1972)

Hard-hitting crime thriller with June Whitfield at her most violent. Banned in 74 countries. Finally released uncut on the Pink Bristols DVD label.
1( . )( . )/10


04/05/15 We'll Never Have Paris (2014)

Sporadically funny film about a small man doing sex.