07/07/15 Zombie Massacre 2: Reich Of The Dead (2015)

Oh for fuck's sake, MORE fucking zombie nazis?

Decent production values only go so far when it comes to covering the sins of a film. This one suffers from being tediously derivative and, even less forgivable, really fucking boring.

Aside from the Dead Snow films, which buck the trend by being ace, the whole zombie nazi thing was pretty tired thirty years ago, to still be using it now is just piss.

Alright, it's my choice to sit through this shit, but I've been watching horror films longer than most of the fuckers making them now have been alive and I carry on doing so for those rare times you find a gem. To make a zombie film worth watching it has to be novel, fun, scary or, preferably, all three. This was none of those.

I'm currently at a train station. In Britain our trains have a habit of breaking down.

Someone gets on a train, let's call them Geoff. A passenger falls ill a few minutes into Geoff's journey. The train breaks down on a rural line. The ill passenger is infected, starts biting other passengers who also rapidly turn and the remaining 70 minutes of the film is claustrophobic, panicky carnage as the infection spreads along the train, people using whatever is available to them to barricade and fight against the rail zombies.

There you go, I've just tapped out that shit in two minutes after using my location for zombie-film inspiration. It's not great, but it'd be a zombie film that wouldn't involve fucking nazis.

BTW, the twist at the end would be Geoff and the remaining survivors manage to get the train moving. They rocket down the line, eventually applying the brakes when reaching a station.  The train has arrived at East Croydon. Geoff gets back on the train as he'd rather face the zombies.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4117510/

Croydon/10

Perkin.

09/05/15 Maggie (2015)

Thirty-one years after The Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger tries acting again.

Actually, it's more a case of the writer and director realising that he can probably do a half decent impression of acting if they minimise his dialogue and restrict anything that would require too much facial movement.

A zombie outbreak, poor crops and financial bollockery have left America (and presumably much of the world) in a bit of a pickle. Especially the zombie bit. Schwarzenegger's daughter moved/ran away to the big city a while ago and managed to get bitten by a shuffler. Arnold collects her so they can be together for whatever time she has left before the infection turns her into one of the undead.

Abigail Breslin does a fantastic job as the daughter. One part in particular, a brief campfire romance with another infected teen is (given the unlikely plot surrounding it) very touching and believable. A moment of tenderness and intimacy that lightens the burden of their shared fate.  Mirroring kids with real-world terminal illnesses, it's a scene that I found quietly heartbreaking. And all that gay stuff.

Actually, the whole film is melancholic and slow moving, none the worse for it either. There's only one scene that had anything resembling the action you'd expect in a zombie film, and that's very brief.

Recomended.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1881002/

8.9/10

Perkin.

07/11/14 Return Of The Living Dead 2 (1988)

Much more fun than the third one, closer in tone to the silliness of the first. Plot and acting are total cockwash, but the camp, practical, puppetry of the effects are great.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095990/
9/10 (effects) about 4/10 for everything else.

"Have you met the wife? Gives great head!"

Elbow Lad was a popular disease in the '80s.

"Dan, stop! There's someone watching."

"Well let's give 'em a good show!'

"Bloody hell, Bill! What are you so afraid of?"

"What year is it?"

"1988"

"In that case, communists. And women."

"What do you mean, over? Is it the age difference? Have you met someone else?"

"Yes, I'm afraid there's someone else. Good bye, Stephanie."

"Is it done? No more living a lie?"

"The bitch is history."

Am I Breaking Bad?

What would make this dull brown van more exciting?

A dull brown stripe down the side. Apparently.

I like the wheels though.

Ian McShane.

A brighter Croydon for everybody!

Perkin.

06/11/14 Doc Of The Dead (2014)

Normally don't include documentaries on here, but as this one's about zombie films, and we certainly watch an arseload of them, I'm putting it in.

Anyway, if you've ever wanted to watch a documentary about zombie films that takes itself, and the subject matter, too seriously, this one's a right winner.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2481248/
6.8/10

Cool poster though.

Perkin.

25/04/14 Portrait Of A Zombie (2012)

One of the increasing number of zombie films that try and do the socio-realism thing. It kinda does that bit fairly well, it's just the rest which is a bit arse. The acting and dialogue ranges from competent to making your face hurt.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1566938/
4/10

Perkin.

05/03/14 Nightmare City (1980)

A man with a beard goes to an airport. A plane lands and lots of portly zombies in suits get off the plane and start whacking people with sticks.

It's Italian.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0080931/
4/10 or possibly loads more if you're pissed/in the mood for utter ballsack viewing.

"Hands up if you're embarrassed"

Hello.

"Any chance of a lift?"

"Yes, mate. Jump on, I'll drop you at Tesco."

"The name's Mud, Cedric Mud."

Boris Johnson. Total cunt.

"Look, Gary! It's the 'Shop of Yellow Things' where I bought this jacket."

"Miriam, shut up and get in the jeep before these fuckers wake up from their road siesta."

Perkin.

03/03/14 The Returned (2013)

A bunch of Canadian folk are infected by a zombie virus but manage to keep it under control by injecting magic proteins. Then the proteins start running out. Uh oh!

Sorry, as it's Canadian, running oot.

Nothing to do with the French thing that sounds similar.

Anyway, it's a thoughty type of zombie film with minimal gore and shizzle and only two head shots in the entire film. It's very good!

Main bloke totally looks like the Coldplay singer. Don't let that put you off.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2093270/
8.5/10

Perkin.

23/02/14 Buck Wild (2012)

Not yet released but in the usual streaming places online.

A zombie comedy that makes the mistake of being written by mostly unfunny people. However some jokes do work, the acting isn't too bad and it's agreeably short.

That'll do.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1839426/
5.4/10

Perkin.

04/12/13 Zombex (2013)

You wait fifteen years for a resurgence of zombie films then ninety-seven thousand turn up over a ten year period. And at least five have been worth watching!

This one was a poorly written, badly acted, misogynistic balloon full of piss.

However, someone posted this photo on b3ta.com earlier and unlike this film, it is entertaining:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1916763/

1/10

Perkin.

16/11/13 Frankenstein's Army (2013)

This is about the tenth film I've seen where a group of WW2 Allied troops stumble upon some secret Nazi experiment bunker that's using the occult or wacky science to create weapon-zombies. What slightly elevates this one above many of them is the fun design of the zombie/monster things. They're yer basic zombie walker types but with lots of whirly mechanical slicey death-bits added on. Kinda like an angry Ford Capri.

Anyway, if it's your sort of thing and you don't mind wobbly-cam then it's worth a go.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1925435/
5.5/10

Perkin.

14/04/13 Before Dawn (2012)

Sombre zombie film (Sombie film?) about a couple on the brink of divorce who think that a weekend away, so they can argue in a different location, might help patch up their faltering marriage.

From what I can tell, everyone who's in this is, or has been, in Emmerdale (for any non-Brits, Emmerdale is a TV show that's been running for 700 years about some people in the countryside who go to the pub). While we were watching this, it occurred to me that if this was on TV and someone tuned in unaware that it was a graphic horror film, they might end up thinking something's gone really tits-up down The Woolpack.

The low budget is occasionally evident, it's completely void of humour and doesn't actually feature many zombies but it's a decent, very independent effort, the gore/effects are excellent, and builds up to a pleasingly nasty ending .

And has a zombie nan. A nambie?

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1928123/
7/10

Perkin.

23/06/12 Juan Of The Dead (2011)

Cuban zombie/comedy film, so, er. el revolucion. presidente, scorchio, rum etc.

Its setting offers some interesting locations, especially the interiors, which lead us to the conclusion that paint is considered a decadent capitalist extravagance in Cuba.

A lot of the jokes seems to lose something in the subtitles, but many work well and one joke about assisting the elderly really popped our giggle balloon. Definately goes on for 30 minutes longer than it should have though.

5.9/10

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1838571/

Perkin.

29/04/12 Opstandelsen (2010)

Danish zombie film where people are in a church, enjoying a nice quiet funeral and a bit of cocaine when attack-zombies crawl out of the graveyard and get their bite on.

It's one of the better zombie films we've seen for a while, the effects are very good (done by a guy called Janus Vinther who wrote a great book on how to do low budget splat shots) and at 50 minutes, nice and short.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1571408/

7/10

                                                      "Don't look! I'm having a poo!"
                                                                    "OK"


                                                            Perkin.