Tuesday, 31 January 2017

30/01/17 Immune (2016)

Other reviews of this post-zombie apocalypse film have said that it's a reflective study on themes of loneliness and need.

Fuck off. I normally try and champion low budget films, but this one's a proper coiled turd of dullness and ineptitude. I appreciate that, at this level, anything that even resembles a finished film at the end of editing is likely to have been a labour of love, but generosity has limits.
If watched with others, this could be greatly funny, or at least fun. There must be a drinking game that would work well with this:

Take a sip every time:

Someone delivers dialogue so flatly you could use their voice as a spirit level. (Seriously, Steven Hawking's chair has a greater vocal range than everyone in this.)

Actually, no, don't do that. You'll be pissed, unconscious or dead before the first twenty minutes are up.

Although if watching alone, you might feel the need to drink to get through the whole film.

Y'know what, thinking about it, everyone should check this out. I could tap on for ages about how piss-poor it is, but only witnessing it for yourself will truly get it across.

Also, this film, apparently, had a budget of £180,000.

So, presumably, the director bought a Bentley for £179,500, a camcorder, and a KFC Family Bucket to cover catering?



30/01/17 Gimme Danger (2016)

If you look up the Stooges on Wikipedia, then imagine a small leathery man reading it out to you, that's pretty much what this is.

If you're a fan, you'll like it, if not, probably won't.



30/01/17 Get The Girl (2017)

A wealthy fellow who's unlucky with the ladies arranges the kidnap of the girl he obsesses over from a distance. His plan being that he will, with the kidnapper's understanding, heroically rescue her which will result in her falling madly in love with her savoir.
Of course it goes to wank and people start dying all over the place.

Not brilliant, and one aspect of the plot is flawed almost beyond forgiveness, but it's very entertaining and has some funny lines.



29/01/17 Sometimes They Come Back (1991)

Pretty lame Stephen King adaptation about some high school students/gang members, in their mid-twenties, who die in a car accident then come back 27 years later to haunt the chap who they were tormenting at the time of their deaths.
Thus meaning, if we aged in the next world, they'd actually all be in their early fifties by then.

*Rattle of chains*

"Ooooooh!.. I see interest rates have gone up."

*Puts down newspaper*

"Anyway, if you need me, I'll be in the ghost shed trying to fix that bloody lawnmower."

Yeah, it's pretty mediocre stuff but does have that enjoyably naff TV film vibe.


Cool poster though.


29/01/17 Gorenos (2016)

Some young fella gets a strange mark on the back of his neck as he approaches his 18th birthday, soon after his friends start dying in peculiar ways.

At one point in the film, one character says to another "You're a good actor".

Total fibs. He clearly isn't.



28/01/17 The Thinning (2016)

A film released by the YouTube production house.

Odd that YouTube, owned by Google, would choose to release a film about the dangers of state/corporate power and reliance on technology in the measure of a human's worth. Wonder if the next film will be called 'Cunty Tax Dodgers'?

Truth is, as a film aimed at teenagers about a dystopian future where overpopulation is controlled by the culling of the lowest achievers, it was better than we expected.



28/01/17 Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later (1998)

I didn't watch this, Podd did.

I saw it about 18 years ago. Thought it was a bit...

Hang on, let's invent some new rhyming slang.

This film's a bit birds in flight.



Friday, 27 January 2017

27/01/17 Live By Night (2016)

Leaked online by the usual streaming sites.

Ideal if you're into gangster films set in the '30s.

Tommy guns/10


26/01/17 The Harrow (2016)

Woman's dead. Man lives in a disused abattoir. Woman's daughter visits him. Obvious twist arrives right on time. Ends.



26/01/17 Goosebumps (2015)

A surprisingly good, even Jack Black was tolerable, family film about a bunch of evil creatures escaping from books and causing havoc in a small town.

The early scene with the two cops was a particular highlight, as was the fight against evil garden gnomes.

So there.



25/01/17 Trespass Against Us (2016)

Well acted but utterly pointless film where Irish actors pretend to be Gloucestershire inbreds... Feels like it has a point to make but forgot to include it. I dunno, family bonds, crime does or doesn't pay, be kind to animals... Some shit or other. Not sure.



25/01/17 Detour (2016)

A story of split timelines, murder, loyalty, kidnap, prostitution and all that other shit that's fun in films but you probably wanna avoid in real life.

Very good and such.



24/01/17 The Young Offenders (2016)

Film about two clueless young herberts who dream of escaping their mundane lives by finding some smuggled cocaine that was shipwrecked a few miles from where they live.

Not hugely funny, but light hearted and fun. And Cork in Ireland, where it's based/filmed, looks like a nice place. Well, quiet at least.



22/01/17 Golden Years (2016)

Some retired people bimble into a (late in) life of crime. Becoming bank robbers to save their bowls club.

Just the sort of woolly, undemanding stuff set in a cosy version of Britain that we seem to enjoy and also, if it's your kinda thing, do quite well.



21/01/17 Fear Is The Key (1972)

Pretty obscure film about a chap with curly hair who gets in a car chase and goes for a trip in a submarine.

Has an early appearance from Ben Kingsley who looked so unlike what he does now, we assumed it was a different chap called Ben Kingsley.



21/01/17 To Live And Die In L.A. (1985)

Willem Defoe. He's got a strange face.

While we were watching this, we decided that the world's strangest looking man would be using ungodly science to mix up the face DNA of Defoe, Steve Buscemi and Christopher Walken.

Although we also thought that such a blend of curious features may result in history's most perfect face.

Not sure really.



Preaching To The Perverted (1997)

You wanna know how lazy I am? I once formed a mattress from bulk packs of toilet roll in a workplace basement so I could take naps during the day.

Wanna know how REALLY lazy I am? I didn't turn this film off as I couldn't be bothered to look for something else.




Toxic Apocalypse (2016)

Made for, well, possibly no money, starring people who probably have never actually seen a film before - such is their lack of acting ability, and with a plot/script that was, at best, possibly driven past the people involved, this is terrible.

But, in an honest way. It's shit and it knows it is. It tries to have fun with it. There's a big difference between doing the best you can with whatever meagre funds and talent are available and intentionally trying to create 'rubbish'.

Sharknado 5: The Sharkopalypse? Fuck off forever.

A bunch of mates fucking about on a northern industrial estate with cap guns? Yeah, why not.



Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016)

The second film where Tommy Cruise proves he's a good actor by portraying a 6ft 6" heterosexual.

Yeah, yeah, I know how lazy that dig is. I just don't really care. 



I Am Gangster (2015)

Observational, almost faux-documentary style film about how gang crime in L.A. affects people on both sides of the law.

Think we've said before how Los Angeles looks like a sprawling mass of violent lunacy, films like this really don't add much in the way of appeal.

Having said that, their coldest days in winter are like our warmest days in spring.

Fuck it. Might move there. It'd be nice not spending eight months of the year wrapped up in more layers than a thermal onion.

Fucking winter. What a load of icy wank.



Collide (2016)

After taking ten minutes or so to establish the bothersome details of a plot and character, the film then concentrates on being 80 minutes of car chases and gunfights.

However, it does it in a way that is very entertaining. If you want some popcorn nonsense, it's pretty good fun.



Kolobos (1999)

We saw this when it first came out 17 or so years ago. I remember quite liking it at the time. We must've been a bit drunk or something.

Yeah, I'm gonna claim that as my defence.



Arsenal (2017)

The film's a forgettable, generic action thriller effort, but it's worth seeing for Nicolas Cage's latest crime against wigs and, frankly astounding, fake nose.

Seriously, did someone in the make up dept. have a dare with someone in props, and they came up with that? It looks like something people woulduse to race across some salt flats in an attempt at a speed record.

Deserves a spin off film of its own.



The Girl With All The Gifts (2016)

Set at some point after the planet's gone bollock shaped, the film opens with some children who appear to be prisoners being taken from their cells to a class room where they are restrained at their desks while they taught all the usual school stuff.

Turns out that they're all infected by a semi-dormant virus which turns them into flesh eating rage-loonies when they come close to the uninfected.
The adults that control the day-to-day lives of the children are divided between those who want to save them, those who want to slice them open to find a cure and those who would be happiest putting a bullet in them.

One of the kids, the girl of the title, seems a lot more human and aware of her condition than the others. She bonds with the kindly teacher, seems to show an unusually deep curiosity of the world that isn't shared by her fellow infected and displays a wisdom that puts some of the less trusting adults on edge.

I'm probably not giving away too much when I say that at some point in the film the shit hits the window and the surviving humans have to decide if they wanna chance it on their own or put their trust in the strange child who's half zombie.

If you enjoyed 28 Days Later or The Last Of Us, this'll be right up your street. The acting is superb, the film's well paced and exciting, the script is excellent. Definitely one of the films of the year, and Paddy Consindine manages to deliver one word of dialogue to greater comic effect than most comedies I've seen for a long time.

Although the ending's a bit pony.



Onus (2016)

The first half of this does a really good job, especially given its peanut-sized budget, of making you try and second guess the plot and its twists.

Then the second half is an almost unrelated tale that drags on for 584 days and is nowhere near as interesting.



The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

Why? Why didn't they just stop with this one? Perfect ending. That had to shit it all away with last year's miserable fourth effort.

*Grumpy face*



War On Everyone (2016)

Not as entertaining or funny as most other reviews claim it is.