Sunday, 29 September 2013

29/09/2013 Paradise Virus (2003)

TV film about a virus on an island. Stars the bloke from Renegade which about says it all.



26/09/2013 Fright Night 2 (2013)

There's a reason why you didn't even know this film had been made.

Oh dear.

One can only conclude Jaime Murray gets her looks from her mother. Alas, she gets her acting ability from her father.

Scenes of shocking hammery.



25/09/2013 +1 (2013)

Starts out like a run of the mill college film but has an interesting timeslip plot which works for the most part. Not as good as Triangle or Timecrimes but a good effort nonetheless.



Tuesday, 24 September 2013

21/09/13 Dawn Of The Dead (2004)

Made just before Zack Snyder took up permanent residence on the slo-mo button in his edit suite. Lots of people with limited imagination consider the original Dawn' to be untouchable in the world of horror films, personally I've grown to much prefer this one. Yeah, it's pretty much a music video with blood visually, but it's fast paced, exciting and fun.
The original is ponderous old bollocks where some people in in terrible make-up shuffle around suffering from terrible editing and utterly gonad music. Also, Romero himself has admitted that the mall location came about by chance as an island was his first choice and the 'satire on consumerism' angle was attached by critics after the event. The original is fun, but not the fucking grail some bumwits would have you believe.

"What can you see, Pete?"

"Oh yeah. Looks peaceful for a Friday."

"Quick! Run over that child!"
"Why, is she a zombie?"
"What have zombies got to do with it?"

"Darling, just going out for some milk. Would you like me to pick anything up for you?"

"Not now, Gary. I'm busy glueing myself to the wall."


"Fack off, I'm eating jam."

"You look different to your dating site pic, Gladys."


21/09/13 Lo (2006)

Little known mini-budget film about a chap whose girlfriend has been taken off to hell so he uses an ancient book to summon a demon who he instructs to go and find her. However, before it does, the demon demands to be told the story of how they met and why he would risk stepping on the cusp of hell to summon a demon to assist him.

It's a curious film, with some artsy visual touches, but it was shot in three days, is nicely original, has a very funny script and the acting is good, especially Jeremiah Birkett who plays Lo, the demon. Unlike so many films, it ends well, too.

Breaking into song in a film is pretty unforgivable though.


Friday, 20 September 2013

19/09/13 Hot Tamale (2006)

Bloke from the countryside moves to the city, joins a band, meets a girl, tries to give back a bag that doesn't belong to him.

Fluffy, generic stuff that works well as a visual sedative.


17/09/13 Scenic Route (2013)

Two old chums are going for a drive through the desert when they develop car trouble and break down.

The majority of the film then plays out as they talk/argue/shout at each ither whilst waiting for someone to come and help.

Although accurate, that description doesn't do the film justice; the script is excellent, the acting's great and it pulls off the small cast/one location thing superbly.

Flippin' ace!


Monday, 16 September 2013

15/09/13 A History Of Violence (2005)

Bloody cheekbones on Viggo Mortensen, I'm sure the man must have some form of Lego brick DNA. I'm only really pointing that out as I have the kind of  pliable, doughy facial features that never appear to settle on their intended form, a bit like a duvet gently rolling down an incline.

Anyway, I remember when this film came out, lots of reviewers (real ones, not this old bilge) wanked on about what a powerful anti-violence message this film has. Well, that's a load of drooping tits.

To briefly summarise this film:

Man has problems, solves them with violence. Ends.

The only anti-violence scenes are when some people briefly cry a bit 'cos it's all so, er, violent.

Anyway, it's still a cracking flick.



Sunday, 15 September 2013

14/09/2013 The Watch (2008)

Student takes a job monitoring a forest for fires which involves being isolated in a hut in the woods for 30 days. The plan was she would use the time writing her thesis but she soon gets distracted by spooky goings on and it's unclear whether it's her active imagination. The film itself is nothing out of the ordinary but the twist is something a bit different.



13/09/2013 EuroTrip (2004)

Better than the average film of its type (ie I am about 20 years older than its target audience) and embarrassingly enjoyable in parts. A college kid spans Europe with 3 friends to track down his pen friend. Keep a look out for several cameos including Matt Damon, Joanna Lumley, Vinnie Jones and Lucy Lawless in arguably her finest performance.

Film 6.5/10
Vinnie Jones' swearing 10/10
Madam Vandersexx 10/10


13/09/2013 The Bell Witch Haunting (2013)

Seen-it-all-before found footage style film about rum and spooky goings on in a family's new house which - gasp - turns out to be haunted.



13/09/2013 100 Bloody Acres (2012)

Australian film about two country brothers who have a secret people-themed ingredient in their fertilizer. It's a bit like Tucker & Dale Vs Evil but not as good.



Wednesday, 11 September 2013

08/09/13 Fame (1980)

This is probably a great film if you enjoy watching slim youths in leg warmers dancing around like a bunch of bell-ends 30 years ago.

Not my sort of thing though.


08/09/13 The East (2013)

An undercover private plod infiltrates a bunch of anti-corporate activists and can't decide whose side she's on. Good effort although it could've done with being a little more ballsy in its depiction of the profit-over-people practises of big business, plenty of examples in the real world to draw influence from.


Sunday, 8 September 2013

07/09/13 Konga (1961)

28 years after King Kong was made, some British people tried to remake it.

Surely, even fifty years ago, people must've thought this was terrible. Great entertainment though and funnier than most modern films even when they're trying to be funny.
3/10 but also 10/10

*Might be a wig.

"Here ya go. If you'd like anything stronger, I've got some chimp whisky"

Television was much more formal back then. Here's an early episode of Masterchef.

Latin name: Obviousphallus Erectus-veinyshaft
(Named after proffessor Jeffery Veinyshaft)

1960s sitcoms were not very PC. (Boxset available on UKIP video)

Leonard Surprisedface was a great actor, but sadly typecast.

"Kin' 'ell, Gladys. When you said a bit of roleplay, I didn't think you'd be this committed."

"Shut up! Now, bend me over and give me a 'silver back'..."

"Careful, Brenda! You'll have someone's eye out!"

Previously unseen segments of the Patterson-Gimlin footage throw some doubt on its validity.

Absolutely no issues with scale and effects more convincing than Jurassic Park.

"Got the time, Dave?"
"Yeah, five-to-ape."


07/09/13 Phobia (2013)

A lady psychologist in 1880's California puts on a wig and goes to a house. Other people turn up and talk about things they're afraid of. Turns out there might be a vampire or something. When she's wearing the wig, she really, really looks like Christopher Walken.

Turns out I'd probably shag Christopher Walken.

Christopher Walken

Christine Walken

"That's correct! In one hundred years, they'll invent comfortable clothes!"

""Bitch! Talk to the hand, 'cos the nan-face ain't listening."

Seriously! Look at this beard! It's like the shit that used to be painted onto the Action Men of the '70s. Terrible.



Saturday, 7 September 2013

07/09/13 It (1990)

Shape-shifty paedo-clown scares some kids in the '60s and then the adult versions in the '90s. Strangely the kids act very well, but the adults are largely fucking atrocious.

Unusually for something written by Stephen King, it's set in a small town in Maine.

"Gaze thee upon my shoe, child!"

Jeremy was surprised when someone threw a tub of acting at his head.

Early Macbook.

Male, 44yrs old, loves walks in the country, red wine, cosy nights in and bike rides. Children welcome.

"Yeah, I see your problem love, it's the tomato valve. I'll get me tools from the van."


06/09/13 The Look Of Love (2013)

Apparently now-dead smut-baron Paul Raymond used to do an excellent impression of Alan Partridge when he wasn't snorting a bumload of cocaine and doing sex with women in pubic wigs.

Blah, blah, blah, money can't buy you happiness and if Raymond and Donald Trump are anything to go by, it gives you shit hair as well.

Considering the film's about sex, drugs and money, it's pretty boring.