15/05/15 Strangers On A Train (1951)

Pretty sure everyone who has even a casual interest in films knows the rough plotline of this. Two strangers meet on a train (funnily enough, the title's something of a spoiler so far) They both have problems, a domineering father and an unfaithful wife, and so one of them suggests that they should murder the person that troubles the other, therefore blah, blah, blah.

64 years was a long time ago, from my experience, on a modern train journey you'd only have to approach the nearest person with a neck tattoo and say "Oh mate, stab that cunt" and it'd be job done. Or at least a good shoeing on a rail replacement bus service. Still, back in the early '50s, people used to wear a tuxedo to take a shit. Things were far more formal back then.

Anyway, as part of the 'What's the deal with Hitchcock' pledge, I watched this today. Definitely too dated to be thrilling by modern standards, the main bad guy is a laughably effeminate, dandyish fop, but it's still entertaining and very watchable.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1823672/
7/10

Courtship was very stiff back then. Even facing each other pre-marriage was considered an unforgivable sex act.

"Gosh darn it, Gary! Are you being wanked off by a midget again?!"

"Yes, Miriam. Forgive me. It's their tiny hands, I can't resist 'em!"

"Good day, Sir. Welcome to my humble crib. I'm Papa G-Money, these are my bitches, Kanesha and Barbara."

IF this blog was to ever run caption competitions, this screen cap would prob be the first.

"Darling, would you like me to prune your hat?"

"Yes please, it's very upsetting."

Perkin.

24/04/2015 Parallels (2015)

An abandoned office building "downtown" (which is an area of a city seemingly only existent in films) is a portal to parallel universe versions of Earth and themselves (typical; the landlord never mentioned that, the bastard) and some young types have a poke around in search of their father who's lost in one of the versions of Earth (he's probably just hiding in the shed to get a bit of peace).

7/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3479316/

Podd

23/04/2015 Digging Up The Marrow (2014)

Mockumentary following a horror film maker investigating something told to him by a potential crackpot (or is he?) about real life monsters. It's actually pretty good.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1991031/

7/10

Podd

08/03/15 A Lonely Place To Die (2011)

Seen this before, enjoyable enough nonsense. We were interested in was a statement in the film, someone says that if any member of the team falls from the peak of the mountain they're climbing, it will take a full 30 seconds to hit the ground.

That's enough time, if true, to send a text message of goodbye/SOS. I timed myself and easily managed to tap out "Have fallen over badly. Send ambulance. Ta." therefore convincing me that it might actually be safer to fall from a really big mountain than a small one/stepladder.
Also thirty seconds is easily enough time to fit in a few pints, making your descent more pleasurable. Maybe just the one if you're a bit of a nancy.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1422136/
7/10

Perkin.

26/02/15 Devil's Pass (2013)

Ignoring the slightly dubious way this film uses a genuine historical tragedy to make a snowy version of Blair Witch, it's pretty good.

Although it goes a bit bonkers in the end with trans-dimensional space pixies from the futrepast.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1905040/
7/10

Perkin

22/02/2015 The Liability(2012)

Jack O'Connell is as good as ever as a hapless and unwitting sidekick to a hitman.  Read the previous Plop.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2081437

7/10

Podd

20/01/2015 Frontera (2014)

Perkin watched this, I didn't see it. He said it was good in a wordy ponderous way and Eva Longoria looked hot.  I think the poster looks a bit Brokeback Mountain.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2510028

7/10

Podd

08/01/15 The Car (1977)

Silly old toilet about an evil car that chases uncertain actors around a small town. Far more entertaining than it should be.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075809/
7/10

Seize the day!!!

Or, as I like to say, grip the horn!

Rapunzel, throw down your... Oh, nevermind.

The Car was played by Timothy Dalton.

No, not that one, a different Timothy Dalton. Don't be silly, you can clearly see it's not the James Bond Dalton.

"Here's that big picture of my clopper you asked for"

"Lovely, I'll hang it in the kitchen."

Perkin.

27/12/2014 Let's Kill Ward's Wife (2014)

Comedy about a group of friends who decide to murder one of the group's pain in the arse wife. It's been compared to The Last Supper but reminded us more of Very Bad Things (which is recommended). Entertaining and actually funny in parts.

7/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2980708/

Podd

22/12/2014 Lava (2001)

This one caught us by surprise as it's easy to write off (or even switch off) during the first half an hour but it really won us over. The military nut played by Joe Tucker (who also wrote and directed) has some genuinely funny lines and his simple sidekick delivers a compelling speech at the end when he confronts the subject of his revenge.

7/10 Extra points for drawing us in!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0213053

Podd

21/12/2014 The Prey (2011)

French crime thriller where a bank robber escapes prison to track down his recently released ex-cellmate who's out to frame him, swipe his kid and claim his stashed bank job loot. What's the world coming to when you can't trust random people you meet in prison?!

7/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1726861/

Podd

24/11/14 Come Out And Play (2012)

A pair of young expectant parents are on holiday and decide to rent a boat to visit an idyllic fishing island a couple of miles of shore. When they get there, things are suspiciously quiet, the only people they see are children darting between buildings and peeking at them from the shadows.
Turns out the youth are all suffering from some form of collective possession (or something) and have become murderous little death-gremlins. Basically the children of Croydon.

This is a remake, I've never seen the original. People online seem to hate this. Me, I thought it was pretty good. And the internet's full of wankers. He says, typing this.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2341664/
7/10

Perkin.

23/11/14 Late Phases (2014)

Aah, enthusiasm, wake from slumber.

Anyway, for the two or three people that occasionally read this , here's the latest stuff we've watched that I've been slow to put up here.

Late Phases is a about a blind, emotionally stiff former soldier who moves into a retirement bungalow. He's pensioner himself, not just a chap who enjoys dwelling among the elderly. Gerontophilia is apparently the word that describes those sort of people.

The first evening he's there, his neighbour gets eaten by a werewolf. I mean, fucking hell, that'd be a disappointment when you're fresh into your new pad: Lovely views, south facing garden, good local amenities, occasional werewolf problem.

The old guy might be old, blind and a poor father to his adult son, but he's tough as a tramp's cock and decides he ain't going out like no bitch, yo. So he makes a stand and fucks up some werewolf shit.

The old guy is played by Nick Damici who, in my humble, should be in loads more films as he's stuffing good at the acty business.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2420756/
7/10

Perkin.

02/11/14 Grace (2014)

Possession film that's made using the POV of the possessed, thus making it like a demonic episode of Peep Show, but less Croydon-y.

Actually, kinda good, much better than many of the recent possession flicks.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3068192/
7/10

Perkin.

28/09/14 From Beyond The Grave (1973)

Amicus anthology film. You know the sort of thing.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0070078/

7/10

Peter Cushing's in this, making it better than most things.

I love how minimalist, tasteful and contemporary '70s interiors look.

Either that or they just threw loads of gaudy, mis-matched shit together and lived in front of it.

"The white pyjamas, Leopold?"

"Yes, Thelma. It's Thursday. As ever, I shall be brief and disappointing."

"Let me massage your chair for you, Sir."

"Terribly kind. Thank you, Cribbins"

"My pleasure, Sir."

"Let me compress your head for you Sir...

Ooh, lotta tension in your wig."

"Why is my piano silent?"

"It's a table."

Julian Assange has left the embassy and is believed to be hiding in 1973.

"I'm Jack Nicholson's taylor"

"Are you?"

"Yes."

Perkin.

12/09/14 Find Me (2014)

Mostly effective spookflick about some people who move into a house and the usual odd things happen.

Much better than expected and further proof that having a small budget is no barrier to quality.

Although the twist at the end is big load of bum goggles.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3027188/
7/10

Perkin.

07/09/14 The Dam Busters (1955)

A man with an awkwardly named dog drops a bomb in some water. Jeremy Clarkson develops a bonk-on.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0046889/
7/10

Perkin.

24/07/14 Carnival Of Souls (1962)

Lady moves to a small town after getting in a car crash. Plays the piano. Pale folk are watching.

Almost once forgotten, now much loved vintage spooker. Possibly not as deserving of the adoration as some would think, but definitely fun and some scenes still have an off-kilter eeriness. Is that spelt correctly? Fucking Windows spell check is stuck on the cocking Yank version.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055830/

7/10

"Yeah, 'bout this long. And that was on the flop!"

"I hear you was sitting next to another man earlier?"

"Fuck off, Gary. You David Cameron-looking cock."

"Mighty good looking fence you got here, Ezra."

"Yeah, reminds me of my sisterwife."

Seriously, look at the pipes on this organ! Hit more than two keys and you might split time or something.

"I am freakishly happy. I am going out to crash my car for the fun of it."

"..LOLs"

Bit like getting on the 157 bus between Sutton and Croydon.

"Madam, may I interest you in a spot of dogging?"

"Yelp! ...Er..."

"Time is of the essence, M'lady, nearly at the vinegar strokes."

Perkin.

17/07/14 The Raid (2011)

Shooty, shooty, punch, kick, slicey-slice.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1899353/
7/10

Perkin.

15/06/14 Rob The Mob (2014)

Better than average crime film based on a true story about a pair of silly billys who decide to hold up Mafia pubs.

Good film if you can tolerate those fucking awful New York accents that make people sound like they're talking out of a nasal arse.

I also found it distracting as the main actress in the film looked a lot like a guy I used to work with many years ago. He possibly wore slightly more make-up though.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2481480/
7/10

Perkin.