Saturday, 31 May 2014

31/05/2014 Oculus (2013)

Oculus - because "Evil Mirror" sounds a bit silly. 

Starts off ok with a couple of spooky scenes but becomes a bit of a muddle of flashbacks and flashforwards/general mashing of timelines.  The Apple product placement is shocking and the ending feels a bit tacked on.

Shame as it's about time there was a decent "spooky house" flick.



30/05/14 Little Fish (2005)

Impressed with Cate Blanchett in the otherwise tedious Coffee & Cigarettes I decided to watch this Australian film about crime/drugs. There are some good performances (and Cate Blanchett is convincing at swearing but then she is Australian) but it's ultimately quite dull and the end just leaves you thinking "well what was the point of that", both in terms of the crime and the film in general.

Turns out Sam Neill was born in Northern Ireland - I did not know that.



30/05/14 5150 Elms Way (2009)

French horror (although thriller horror rather than any gore/unpleasantness with scissors) about a guy nabbed and held captive by a rum family.  It's pretty good although the main guy acts a bit unrealistically at one point ( but that's all meant to show his descent into wibblyness) and there's also a discovery by somebody which stretches the realms of coincidence a bit too much.



30/05/14 The Hand (1981)

Words about Michael Caine and his hand shall be in this bit presently.

29/05/14 Willow Creek (2013)

Some words. Here. Soon. Nipple boxes.

29/05/14 The Hot Spot (1990)

Wordings McWorthingtons are expected shortly.

29/05/14 The End (2012)

Spanish end of the world film with a slightly different take on the genre.  It's well acted and keeps you interested until the end. It also includes a goat stampede (which you don't see nearly enough of in films) and a mildly unintentionally amusing pursuit by a pack of dogs (which are strangely mostly all Alsatians - the director must have got a discount) Deserves a higher score than its imdB rating.



28/05/14 101 Reykjavik (2000)

Icelandic (rather obviously given the title) comedy drama about a bloke who really should have left home years ago.  The first two thirds has some silly humour, but then it goes a bit more serious. It's worth a watch if only to see the strange house the main characters live in which features a bath in the kitchen, and it's apparently not at all eyebrow raising for a man to have his tackle swinging in his mother's face whilst she eats breakfast.



28/05/14 Coffee And Cigarettes (2003)

Dull old wank, filmed in black and white and desperate to be deep and arty when really it's just a collection of rambling plot-free short films starring a selection of people such as Steve Buscemi, Tom Waits, Iggy Pop and other randoms. The Cate Blanchett segment is the only one I liked and the last one I bothered to watch. Probably great if you're a film student or some kind of hipster bastard (which most film students are).



Tuesday, 27 May 2014

25/05/14 The Kings Of Summer (2013)

Film about three outcast teenage boys who decide to get away from it all by building a house in the woods and becoming independent.

When I was of a similar age, me and three friends done something similar. Ish. We emptied my mate's dad's storage shed and turned it into a cocktail bar.  After a while we got bored of sitting in a small shed that smelt of paint. Then his dad put the lawnmower in there and there wasn't enough room for us. Ah well, folly of youth and all that.

Anyway, the film is great for the first half, then spoils it a bit by doing the pissy, John Hughes 'teenage issues' thing.


25/05/14 Joe (2013)

Wigolas Cage plays a man called Joe. He has a beard. He was once in jail for accidentally shooting a copperplod in the knee.

"Shot through the knee, and you're to blame. Darling, you give films a bad name."

Anyway, the film's being praised up as a modern masterpiece when all I saw was a pretentious, terribly lit, predictable, badly acted heap o' shite.

The young kid acts well, as does the guy who plays his dad. Gary Poulter, the dad, he had an interesting, difficult life. After making this film he went back to being homeless then died in a puddle. Shame.

24/05/14 The Gun Hawk (1963)

Apparently in the wild west days people were made of saw dust or rubble or something because whenever they got shot they didn't bleed.

If you like those sort of westerns where the acting and sets creak almost as much as the leather saddles, this ain't a bad one to watch.
7/10 (if they're your thing)


24/05/14 The Quiet ones (2014)

Hammer film about a young woman locked in a room and some students who are looking at her. Their teacher seems to believe the best way to diagnose and cure mental illness is to deprive someone of sleep and play Slade very loudly through the locked door. What a dick.


23/05/14 Not Safe For Work (2014)

Half decent thriller comedy about a guy in an office who is worried about the chap who is killing his colleagues.

Nothing new, but fun enough.


Tuesday, 20 May 2014

18/05/2014 Star Wars (1977)

Little known sci fi flick that you probably haven't heard of.

Not really, everybody knows Star Wars.

Still enjoyable and holds up well although the constant fanboy wank off over the franchise is a little tiresome and tragic. Sadly it never seems to be the original theatrical release that airs and only the remaster which George Lucas had to ponce around with by adding extra pointless CGI (she says, sounding like a tragic tiresome fanboy).

Harrison Ford is now eight years older than Alec Guiness was when this was released (and Obi Wan was portrayed as a right old duffer on his last legs).

Mark Hamill's pecs in the poster are generously rendered.



Monday, 19 May 2014

14/05/14 Killer Elite (2011)

Everyone involved in this should know better. Apart from Jason Statham, he deserves a blue star and an extra big pudding for trying so hard around the grown-ups.

It does manage to capture an authentic 'grey' London of the '70s/80s, much how I remember it. Before it turned into a giant wanker's theme park.

Haven't watched many films lately, Pod's been busy and I've been playing 'The Last Of Us'. That game's got better acting than most of the films we've seen since doing this nonsense. The story is nothing original, at all, but everything else nails it. Bleak, amoral survivalist ultraviolence has never been so enjoyable. Well worth a go if you like games.


13/05/14 Skew (2011)

Came on TV, even though I've seen it before, I left it on. Whatever I said last time still applies.


Tuesday, 13 May 2014

13/05/14 Walking The Dead (2010)

An American is in China for no explicable reason, he goes to a town where ... Can't be bothered, it's really bad. I'd rather be bitten by feral children than sit through this shit again.


12/05/14 Anna (2013)

Mark Strong is like a sorta psychic mind-cop who can step into people's memories to see if they're dodgy buggers.

He's hired to probe the mind of a spoiled agoraphobic child who might've damaged some people in the past.

It's as daft as it sounds, but the acting is good enough to aid suspension of disbelief and enjoy it as the nonsense it is.

Well, until the end. That's just shit. A right clunky let down.



11/05/14 In Fear (2013)

Film about a twat who's driving a car and an annoying woman who appears biologically incapable of making a wise decision.

It starts of very, very well, building a sense of foreboding menace, then wanks it down the plug by introducing the baddie and all his unlikely plans. Shame. Possibly worth if you watch the first half then imagine what happens in the second for yourself.


11/05/14 Dracula 2000 (2000)

Here's a selection of thoughts that came to me watching this:

"I remember when this came out, I thought it was shit. I wonder If I was being a little harsh?"

"No. It's shit."

"Dracula 2000? Sounds like a fucking armchair or something the elderly use to assist bathing."

"Is that Gerard Butler from '300'? I've never seen that as it looks fucking terrible."

"Then again, I'm watching this, it can't be much worse."

"Dracula films peaked with the Hammer efforts forty years ago."

"'Never fuck with an antiques dealer!' is quite a funny line."

"Why am I watching this? I have work tomorrow."


09/05/14 Another Earth (2011)

I didn't watch this, Pod did.

She says it's about a 6.5.

So there ya go.


09/05/14 Lucky (2011)

A strange young fellow wins the lottery. Turns out he enjoys a spot of murder here and there.

He marries a lady who's also a bit funny in the noggin.

It's like a comedy where the jokes never seem to really happen.


09/05/14 Child Of God (2013)

A slightly mad bloke has a poo in the woods, finds a dead lady, puts his winky in her inanimate front-bum, moves into a cave, kills some folk, gets shot, gets caught, runs away.

Can't decide if the acting was on the right or wrong side of the big giant luvvie fence.

Based on a book.
Dunno, either a 7/10 or about 4/10


08/05/14 3 Days To Kill (2014)

Not yet released but leaked on to the 'net by some total bastard who wanted to spoil my evening.

Not terrible, but so tonally uncertain that you're unable to really dig the scene, cat.


Wednesday, 7 May 2014

05/05/14 Blacula (1972)

Thought I hadn't seen this, but I have. It's pretty weak, although William Marshall who plays Blacula, almost gives the role dignity, in the scenes without the plastic fangs, he's excellent. Otherwise it's dated badly, has lots of wobbly acting and tries to throw in a difficult comparison between the centuries of colonial/slavery practices in Africa and vampirism.

Purple... Robe... Hood... A stiff... Sure there's a penis joke in there somewhere.

"Fucking ouch! Just sat on me vampire bollock."

By the logic of this film, I'm guessing this guy is Count Greenula.

"Whaddya mean I can't play the title role!?"


04/05/14 Nightwatch (1994)

Danish film about a chap who gets a job as a night time security guard. Convoluted, over long, boring and the twist is obvious.

Not much more to say. Here's some Danish soldiers:

They're probably protecting some bacon and ...*checks Wikipedia* ...Lego! 
And possibly pastries.


04/05/14 The Last Days Of Frankie The Fly (1996)

Completely flatline film about Dennis Hopper wearing a suit and putting some bets on.


03/05/14 Carry On Nurse (1959)

Made a few years before breasts were invented and massively increased the fortunes of the Carry On producers.


Sunday, 4 May 2014

02/05/14 Way Of The Wicked (2014)

Not yet released, presumably because the makers watched it back after finishing it.

Vinnie Jones is poorly cast as some loving dad who's (possibly, can't remember) a cop. Problem is, Jones has a manner and face reminiscent of a punch and so when he's spouting dialogue like:

 "I love you, precious daughter. Here, have five ponies. You're as delicate as a cloud."

It sounds like his intention is:

"I'm going to smash your eyes off with a brick and kick you under a van."

It also has Christian Slater looking unhappy.

He's probably a bit skint these days.

01/05/14 Three Extremes (2004)

Three short films from far eastern directors. Two are shit, the one about eating dumplings made from baby is quite good.

It was edited by the Bum twins.

Told you!


30/04/14 The Patrol (2013)

British film about some soldiers in Afghanistan. Small budget, well acted and (at least to my non-military eye) authentic.