Thursday, 31 December 2015

31/12/15 The Prophecy (1995)

Alright, one more. Last film of the year.

I remember when this film was about to come out, Fangoria magazine done an on-set article about it. It had a great Christopher Walken story, If I come back to this review (Doing an early shift tomorrow, 5.40am start on New Year's Day. *punches air with excitement*) I'll type it out as I can't be bollocksed at the mo.

Anyway, this is a cracking film, you should see it if you haven't.

Happy new year and all that ol' wank.


31/12/15 Sicario (2015)

Lady who looks like a duck proves that she's just as capable as the men in her team of drug busters by being all serious-face.

Benecio Del Toro enjoys a family meal.


Anyway, that's enough of this bollocks for a year.

--/12/15 Love And Other Drugs (2010)

A film that pretends high-ranking pharmaceutical employees not only have a soul, but are essentially good people.

I've seen films about vampire motorcycles that are more believable.


30/12/2015 Cut Snake (2014)

Australian film where an ex-convict gone straight (although not so straight it turns out) is led astray when his old cell mate turns up.  Pretty good for what it is and has a different twist on an old plot.



29/12/2015 The Standoff (2015)

Thomas Jane protects a girl from an assassin. It's OK, just nothing special (which for many Thomas Jane films, The Mist excepted, is a rave review).



--/12/2015 The Hateful Eight (2015)

Some scamps have made this available to stream. A bounty hunter is trying to get back to town to claim his bounty but bad weather forces him to seek shelter in a cabin with a bunch of other people. It's quite enjoyable and there's some amusing dialogue but it's far too long by about an hour (Tarantino in overblown film shocker). Also we can't take Channing Tatum seriously because he looks like our cat.

The Indifferent Six (Out of Ten)


Channing Tatum


--/12/2015 The Stand (1994)

A Stephen King mini series where most of the world are wiped out by a virus. It's better than I've made it sound.



--/12/2015 Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015)

Yes this franchise is still going. Guy finds an old video camera in his big house which appears to see things from another dimension.



25/12/2015 Sexy Beast (2000)

We watched this with my parents on Christmas Day evening. We're in our 40s but were still made to feel slightly awkward by all the swearing.

Ex-crim is talked into doing one final job by his psychopath chum.



--/12/2015 Duel (1971)

Perkin doesn't really care for this film but I quite like it. Steven Spielberg's first crack at directing a film and before he insisted on having annoying blonde children in everything. You likely know the plot - Dennis Weaver is pursued by a homicidal truck driver who may or may not be Gentle Ben.



--/12/2015 He Never Died (2015)

Henry Rollins plays a mysterious loner who's older than he looks.



--12/2015 Earthquake (1974)

We're behind in our filmplopping again so can't remember most of the actual dates. Got to get 'em in for 2015 though!

70s disaster film very much of its time. Takes about an hour for the earthquake to actually occur and when it does it lasts for about half an hour and misplaces a lot of flared trousers. More entertaining for its dated appearance and dialogue than for the film itself but s'alright.



Wednesday, 23 December 2015

22/12/15 Legend (2015)

Tom Hardy breaks beyond the usual boundaries of ubiquity in films by playing more than one version of himself.

Seriously, if I filmed myself taking a piss I reckon he'd find a way to feature.


22/12/15 Rise Of The Footsoldier 2 (2015)

In 1995 three criminals got shot in Essex.

Twenty years later, for some fucking reason, people are still making fucking films about it.


21/12/15 The Revenant (2015)

Not yet released, but leaked online to 'popular streaming sites', if you're so inclined to seek it out.

Anyway, the film's the usual story: Boy meets bear, gets partially eaten, sleeps in a horse etc.

An hour too long, grossly over-acted (Hollywood: lank hair in eyes, unkempt beards and flecked spittle are fucking lazy shorthand for wilderness desperation. You predictable cunts, Try an involving, realistic plot and script instead.)

The cinematography does go some way to redeeming the film, it's very visual and whatnot.

Now, after all that, what is worth reading up on is the true, genuinely impressive story of human endurance it was very loosely based on:

Rather than the bumwank story of familial revenge this film uses as it's emotional core.

Also worth reading, because it's funny, is the nonsense about the bear attack scene involving a quick bit of 'forcible backdoor':

And after reading that:

Now fuck off.


21/12/15 Roswell: The Aliens Attack (1999)

Every bit as good as the title would suggest.
who actually caes/10?


--/12/15 Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)


Milla Javovitch is possibly the ultimate example of looks over talent in the acting world.


--/12/15 Mojave (2015)

Some spoilt ponce goes off into the desert to drink some vodka and crash his car. Think it was pretty interesting, but instead of taking any notice, we decided to get fucking trousered on whisky. Sometimes that's more preferable than watching another fucking film where cunts get paid to do impressions of other cunts.


--/12/15 Don Verdean (2015)

Film about a religious archaeologist that flops onto the wrong side of the pissy, hipster dividing line.

I could write something more interesting, but I can't be fudged.


--/12/15 The Bad Education Movie (2015)

Sorta funny.


--/12/15 A Walk In The Woods (2015)

Bill Bryson was in his mid-40s when he walked the Apalachian Trail and wrote a book about it. Robert Redford was nudging his '80s when he decided to adapt the book into a film.

All the same, it's entertaining fluff. Worth a go if you enjoy Bryson's stuff.


--/12/15 The Keeping Room (2014)

We love the modern, revisionist westerns, the ones that show an era of muddy hardship and grey morality rather than the the black/white hat bollocks of old,

We're also big fans of Brit Marling, she's been involved in some cracking films in the last few years.

However, we was a bit bored when we watched this.


--/12/15 Just Jim (2015)

Confused and confusing film that has occasionally cracking dialogue.


--/12/15 One Eyed Girl (2014)

Once again I find myself asking when will there be a film about a tucked away, secretive cult led by a shady messianic control freak where they all turn out to be pleasant happy folk and quietly get on with their lives?

Aah well, this one is about an Australian group of loonsacks following some guy, probably called Bruce of Nazareth, who spouts the kind of inane shite the desperate seem happy to believe if they can feel better about themselves without taking the blame for their past actions. They should try writing a sporadic, patchy film blog, far more therapeutic.
Anyway, Bruce also has a rather dramatic interpretation of immersion therapy, doing a male rape victim up the wrong 'un to help him confront his abused past for example. Being aware of that approach I'd probably say that I had issues with crisps and napping, then settle down for a fortnight on my Monster Munch duvet.

As you can probably guess, it all goes a bit bollock shaped by the end of the film.

It's well acted and all that stuff, but didn't grab me at all. No one was very likeable, the pacing was sluggish and I'm now too busy thinking about snack based bedding to carry on.


--/12/15 American Hero (2015)

A total loser of a fellow has the ability to move things with his mind. After finally realising that he should stop being a twat and do something with his life, he does.

It's quite a decent little film, character driven, natural, even a little thoughtful, the complete opposite of the usual superhero dogshit that fills the cinemas these days. With that in mind, we were surprised to see it was written and directed by Nick Love, better known to most for his films like 'Geezer Club' and 'Touch My Shooter, You Facking Cecil'.

Well, Mr Love, if you are a regular Film Plop reader (almost certainly is, like all the best people*) then good work, you should make more films like this.

*Prob not.


-/12/15 An American Werewolf In London (1981)

Bloody immigrants, coming over here, eating our policemen.


Tuesday, 22 December 2015

--/12/15 Damnation Alley (1977)

Apparently within two years of a nuclear apocalypse, scorpions will become 5ft long. Why's it always the dangerous stuff that mutates into giant sizes? Leaving aside all the stuff about how diminished food sources would probably result in downward scaling (I'm no scientist, but that sounds a bit clever so I'm sticking with it), why not massive koalas or humungous gerbils?
I dunno, maybe all things become huge after the missiles land but we only see the dangerous ones.

Note to self: In the event of nuclear catastrophe, stick penis outside for a bit. Never know.


--/12/15 Pay The Ghost (201

Terribollocks film where Nicolas Cage's son get stolen by a supernatural pigeon. He then has to ask homeless people and hippys how to get him back.



--/12/15 Psycho 2 (1983)

No idea if it's true, but years ago I heard a story that Anthony Perkins was pulled over for speeding. When asked why he was driving so fast, as a bit of a laugh, he replied "Mother told me to."

I hope that's true.


--/12/15 Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse (2015)

Pretty much American Pie, but with zombies. That will either make it sound like the best film ever, or American Pie with zombies.

Did chuckle a few times though.


--/12/15 Wild Bill (2011)

See previous 'Plop here:

--/12/15 Momentum (2015)

Gotta feel sorry for that James Purferoy bloke. He seems like a good actor forever trapped in shit films. Everyone else in this is terrible.

Well, Morgan Freeman's alright, but he's only in it for about five minutes and seems as bored as I was watching it.

Very poor.


--/12/15 Compound Fracture (2014)

Supernatural effort that just about kept me interested.

What? Dunno what else to say about it really. Some reviews have praised its quality Vs budget ratio, which is fair enough, and many have said it's something new and unique. It's not, it's a pretty standard spooky stuff story.


--/12/15 Deep Dark (2015)

An artist of limited talent becomes friends with a hole in the wall which plops out bits of art that he claims as his own making him all successful and shiz.

Reminded me a bit of that film After Hours. But with a talking wall-hole. And shit art.

Wait, is that intentional? Art, Wall-hole/Warhol? Prob not.


Monday, 30 November 2015

Flutter (2011)

A compulsive gambler meets a woman who might be the devil and gets him to make bets like living in his bathroom for a week, adopting a few extra ears and other such nonsense.

This could've been a fun film but it's let down by the fact that it's bumwash and we watched it. Pretend it's good and that you've already seen it or something, that'll be better.


30/11/15 Hellraiser 3 (1992)

I love the first Hellraiser. Some of it has aged badly, and the acting is creaky in parts, but when Pinny & The Cenobites (still my name of choice for a band) turn up it's flippin' ace.

However, rule of diminishing returns and all that, by time this third one rolled out, they were scraping the arse of the barrel.
A nightclub owner buys some fancy decorative furniture that -somehow- contains the cenobites and blah, blah, blah.

Pinhead is the leader of the demonic, fleash-tearing, reaping cenobites, he's known as 'The Pope of Hell'. An immensley powerful, evil entity who, almost literally, feeds on the souls of those who summon him. So it was a bit of a let down to see him spend the first third of this film essentially being a table in some bollocks nightclub.

Also, just thought, I might open a cafe called CENO BITES.

Nah, I won't.


29/11/150 Criminal Activities (2015)

(Yeah, couldn't be bollocksed, furniture/computer rearranging and being busy doing dull stuff has left 'Plop a little empty lately. Here's the fill-ins and what we've watched so far this month)

Hard to know what's less convincing out of the plot, the dialogue or John Travolta's syrup.

I'd love to see him and Nicolas Cage team up again for a sequel to Face/Off and call it Wig/On.

Bet you a million zillion quid it'd be better than either of those two.


27/11/15 Crimson Peak (2015)

Lots of reviews compared this to the classic-era Hammer films, some main characters even have the surname Cushing.

However, the Hammer films were brilliant. Cheap, camp nonsense with loads of blood and cleavage. This is a modern snoozefest with the world's most predictable plot. Yeah, it's got creepy staircases, horsedrawn peasants, massive hats and swooning damsels, but it's missing the fun, the look, the practical effects and the scares of the films it tries to copy.

And the tits.


Friday, 27 November 2015

26/11/15 Heist (2015)

A review I read of this pointed out the massive flaw that that the whole film depends on our acceptance that someone would suggest an almost certainly suicidal crime to a co-worker over a two minute cigarette break at work (it's the first time they've met), and, after seeing the film, it's a pretty fair comment.

However, if your're willing to suspend disbelief to the required level, it's a pretty enjoyable slice of nonsense.


Thursday, 26 November 2015

26/11/15 The Green Inferno (2013)

Little Eli Roth has made a great big movie, all on his own! Isn't he a clever boy? Well done, Eli. Have a biscuit and a gold star to put on your chart.

Right, now fuck off and take your dogshit films with you.
3.5 / 10


25/11/15 Midnight Run (1988)

The one where Jake LaBickle Tried comedy,
Something or other/10


Wednesday, 25 November 2015

24/11/15 Orion: The man who would be King (2015)

Essentially a documentary about an Elvis impersonator.

Historically speaking, nothing in this film is really of significance, I'd never heard of the guy before Mark Kermode mentioned this in his reviews. However it's a surprisingly immersive film that held our attention and is worth watching if you wanna peek into one of the past's more peculiar musical corners.


24/11/15 Are You Being Served? (1977)

Old, cheap, naff twaddle from that era (approximately 1585-1997) when Britain found the word 'bloomers' the absolute apex of hilarity.

Naturally, I laughed more than I will ever admit in person. Let us not speak of this again.

Shut up. At least I'm not kicking babies through windows or anything.
1 billion/10


23/11/15 Prophecy (1979)

Another 1970s film about something going bollock shaped in the eco system. Whereas No Blade Of Grass was an unexpectedly potent film about our terminal exploitation of nature, this one focuses mostly on a giant mutant bear.

Although, like NBOG, it does drop in some surprisingly thoughty stuff about the destruction of natural resources in pursuit of commercial gain and the effects are fun.


23/11/15 No Blade Of Grass (1970)

I'd never heard of this, a 1970 Brit-film, based on a book, about a plant killing disease that spreads across the world, destroying the environment and, due to our dependence on it, then society.

The acting's hammier than David Cameron's cock, the script is frequently terrible, the time-jumping edit is a bit wank, and it's got that casual, unquestioned class/gender thing that seemed to be in most Brit films from that era, as in no one from the lower orders, especially the women, would know what to do until a man with a stern posh accent and proud moustache had made the decisions for them.

Having said all that, I really enjoyed it. The message about the effect our collective greed has on the planet was as delicate as a sledgehammer but still effective, some of the action scenes were impressively done, there was some good jokes thrown in and the 'look' of the film seems to change in alignment with the plot, as things look increasingly bleak for humanity, the visuals seem to mirror the lack of hope, everything at the start is post-hippy colourful and bright, by the end it's wintery shots of moorland and decaying livestock corpses.

It ends up being like a blend of Threads, 28 Days Later and Mad Max. But not as grim as Threads (what is?), there's no zombies and it's not in Australia.


"Nope, just love looking at fannies."

"I'll have a pound of goat mince and two whale chops, please."

From the actual film, not, like, The Fast Show or something.

Hipster connections: Meet hipsters in your area today!

"That was the news. Up next, The Urban Music Hour."

Forever tainted with the Essex boy stigma, the Mk3 Capri makes it easy to forget how stunning the Mk1s were. Seriously, lovely looking motors.

Early appearance by Pointless co-presenter, Richard Osman.

*Up the arse corner*

Biker gangs looked shit in the '70s. Like a bunch of scruffy supply teachers on Hondas.

Pauline Fowler was quite the crumpet in her youth,

"Good evening, welcome to The Urban Music Hour. My guest tonight is Sir Perigrine Fortescue. Better known to most of you under his stage name 'Tweed Killah.'"