Thursday, 1 October 2015

01/10/15 Belly Of The Beast (2003)

Steven Segal film that's so hilarishit, we're going to 'live plop' it.

This is the masterpiece in question:

Update 1: Breaking into a house for an unknown reason, Stevey does a pointless roly-poly into an empty room, then squints to look around. Like a clumsy, overweight cat or something.

Update 2: Steve briefly speaks Thai. He squeezes his face into an odd shape and sounds strangely like Eric Cartman.

Note: This was just before Stevey started becoming rather, ahem, 'portly'. The title is not related to his waistline.

Commercial break, more soon.

Update 3: For got to mention, also at the start. Steve slides across the floor like a circular superman. It were ace.

Update 4: Steve's gone to a restaurant in his pyjamas. They're blue.

Update 5: Outrageous slow motion shoot out in an abandoned train yard apparently involving every person in Thailand who happens to own a gun. The evil crime boss lady breezes through the centre of it (wearing a strapless cocktail dress) and escapes without a hair out of place in a chauffeur driven Jaguar (the car not the mammal although that couldn't have made it any less plausible). 

Update 6: Unpleasant sex scene between Steve and a Thai lady. Fades to a sea shot before you see his torso or her penis.

Update 7: Been for a poo, desperately hoping I didn't miss any essential plot advancements. 

Update 8: A picture of the great man deep in thought/looking like a satsuma:

Brings to mind the brilliant Barry Norman description of Steve as "A man who looks like he hasn't enjoyed a bowel movement in some time"

Update 9: Steve just punched a woman in the tit. Cad!

Update 10: Turns out it's a bloke. Thailand, eh?

Update 11: Steve just shot an arrow that was flying towards him. Yes.

Update 12: Steve's suffering from a voodoo style assault. Baddie should stick a pin in his appetite. 

Update 13: Another golden face picture. Golden as in that's his colour, not, like, 'golden opportunity' or something considered perfect:

Update 14: Film's now finished, so that pretty much ties this up as well. An entirely pointless variation, 'plopping' a film live as no one really reads this shit at the best of times. Great film though.*

*Terrible cock.


No comments:

Post a Comment