Saturday, 23 February 2013

22//02/13 The ABCs Of Death (2012)

Twenty-six short films, each one with a different writer/director/cast, with the titles relating to the appropriate sequential letter of the alphabet.

26 short films? 26 mini reviews!

A is for Apocalypse.
A woman slices up an old man, throws some fizzing milk in his face and spangs him with a frying pan. Outside, sirens are heard suggesting the mad has kicked off big time. 4/10

B is for Bigfoot.
Two Spanish people are looking after a child. Contains good boobs and a nutty binman. 5.5/10

C is for Cycle.
Another Spanish one, kinda similar to the excellent Timecrimes. Rather pleasing. 7.5/10

D is for Dogfight.
Bloody excellent! Filmed almost entirely in slow motion, but in a way that works rather than the Zak Snyder style. Which is shit. Cracking little twist, very stylish, random child. One of the best. 9/10

E is for Exterminate
Amusing, short and fun. Directed by Angela Bettis who was the title character in the excellent film May. Spider bites man, man has some snacks and a wank. Face goes wrong. 7/10

F is for Fart.
Japan. The world's insane uncle. Either doesn't realise of doesn't care that everyone else can see what they're up to. 5/10? No idea.

G is for Gravity.
A man goes surfing. Falls over. Possibly on purpose. 2/10

H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion
I don't get 'Furries', people who have a fetish for anthropomorphised animals with exaggerated sexual features. It's like they can't commit fully to bumming a hedgehog, so they wank over some pictures of a goat with tits. If I was to be Freudian about it, I would suggest that they were probably raised in an environment where unchecked childhood curiosity was played out on household pets leading to unusual perceptions of sex stuff. Or something. Each to their own and all that. Having said that, the stripping cat in this does have good knockers. There's also a man-dog. Something about nazis. They have a fight. 3/10 

I is for Ingrown.
Woman in a bath. Man doesn't like her. She dies. 2/10

J is for Jidai-Geki.
Another Japanese one. Inflato-head, samurai's. 4/10

K is for Klutz.
Superb comedy animation about a woman at a party who's having problems flushing away a sentient poo. Very funny and possibly the only time in my life I've wanted an adorable pet shite. 9.5/10

L is for Libido.
Hurrah, the Japanese loonofest continues. A series of competitors sit strapped to chairs and have to wank to completion at whatever is on show or performed in front of them. The displays get increasingly twisted and include amputees, child buggery and murder. The winner is the fella who blows his beans first, the loser then gets impaled on a death spike that shoots up their arse. Pretty twisted stuff, but hey=ho, it can't all be about cuddly bum-rubbish. 6/10

M is for Miscarriage.
A woman in annoying shoes flushes a miscarriage down the shitter. Toilets seem to feature heavily in this collection. Disappointingly bollocks effort from the talented Ti West. Still, on the plus side. lots of yanktards on IMDB are all, like, "Wah wah wah! Abortion! How dare he! Waaaah! Jebus!" etc. 1/10

N is for Nuptials.
Very amusing effort about a man proposing to his girlfriend via a parrot. 7/10

O is for Orgasm.
Dunno, think it was trying to do some semi-literal take on the whole 'petit-mort' thing? 4/10

P is for Pressure.
Fat chick gets hired to stamp on a kitten. Meh. 1/10

Q is for Quack.
Starts off up is own arse, but slowly crawls out to finish on a blinder. Involves a duck. 6/10

R is for Removed.
Flaky skinned bloke waddles round a hospital, gets out, pushes a train, falls over. 2/10

S is for Speed.
A Jake West effort that starts off like a mediocre supernatural tribute to Russ Myer, but throws in a nice twist that elevates it to one of the better ones. 7/10

T is for Toilet.
This one was a competition entry, the film makers opened 'T' to submissions from anyone who could be bothered. It was won by talented claymation nerd, Lee Hardcastle. It's like a gory version of Wallace and Gromit. With a demonic toilet. 7/10

U is for Unearthed.
POV vampire story done by tubby Brit Ben Wheatley. Pretty good. 7/10

V is for Vagitus.
The only entry that could be classed as Sci-Fi. Not too bad, and the ladyplod is very easy on the eye. 6/10

W is for WTF.
A.D.D., Macbook, 4chan, LOL eyerape shit that's tediously long even at a few minutes. Utter wank. 1/10

X is for XXL.
A fat French lady gets mocked by people who aren't fat, so she indulges in some drastic weight reduction measures. Tells its story with minimal faff and does the gore thing effectively. By far the best thing Xavier Gens has been involved in. Horror fans went nuts for his film Martyrs, even thought it was a shitting, shit-awful, shit piece of shit. 5.5/10

Y is for Youngbuck.
Shite about some school caretaker and a deer being killed. The inclusion of the '80s sounding music made it double bollocks. The director once made a much, much better short film called Treevenge, look that up, it's bloody ace! 1/10

Z is for Zetsumetsu
Another Japanese entry. Fuck knows? Some alternative history thing that involves the food supply being a bit suspect, giant strap-on cocks and an arsehole in a wheelchair. 2/10

Well, there you go. I doubt anyone bothered to read all of that, if you did, well done, You've wasted almost as much time as I did typing this bollocks.
I guess that works out at an aggregate score of about 7/10. 

We've all been there. Not enough fibre.

Ironically more human than any of the plastobots in The Pussycat Dolls.

*1970s style women motorists joke*
"Is this bit the engine?"

"Kneel before Ducklord, puny human!"

"Do as he says!!!"

From K is for Klutz

"A quick wank, then I'm off to be in Broadwalk Empire and Con Air."


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