06/04/12 Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983)

Viewed through modern eyes, this is stagey, predictable, low budget , un-scarey old arse. Which makes me wonder how it scared us both so much as nippers. I can only conclude that children are rubbish bumwits.

The opening five minutes with Dan Akroyd in a car's OK, and the bit when John Lithgow spots a pixie on a plane is good fun. The rest is deep fried tits.

The film is also infamous for causing the death of three actors, two of whom were children. Without wanting to sound like some piss-eyed, Daily Mail cunt, I kinda feel they should've scrapped the entire project, but I guess investors suggested otherwise.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086491/

2.5/10

                                                                            Perkin.

05/04/12 Haunted Echoes (2008)

Mediocre spook film about a pair of parents who let the dog out, then get their daughter murdered. Clumsy.

They then move into a new house where they hear odd noises and the walls paint themselves.

Ropey effects and support actors aside, this is actually OK for the first 50 minutes, then there's a part involving a cat in a shoebox and the film rapidly jumps on the train to Bollocks Junction. Very unintentionally amusing though.

Also, in one scene, Sean Young appears to have strangely long ears.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1053830/

4/10

Yay! our 100th 'plop!


                                                                            Perkin.

02/04/12 The Darkest Hour (2011)

Two American wankers with limitlessly punchable faces arrive in Moscow massively smug over the fact that they've invented a pub guide for smartphones that they plan on selling. The deal goes bollock-shaped and they decide to go out and get pissed. Just as they manage to pull two non-Russian girls, a load of evil, alien glow-worms fall out of the sky and start evaporating people.  They then behave in that uniquely heroic way that only American people with nice hair can, and tit about like a right set of cunts.



The good:

Use of locations
Some camera work
The design of the aliens, whilst not visually threatening or greatly interesting, was at least novel.
Some of the effects


The bad:

Most things not covered by the above.




http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1093357/

2/10

Make a sequel and we will hunt you down.

                                                                              Perkin.

01/04/12 Humans Vs Zombies (2011)

A zombie film.


Tedium.


2/10


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1815746/

                                                                               Perkin.

01/04/12 One Crazy Summer (1986)

Immeasurably cringey, lightly wacky, '80s chuckleflick.

The first 45 minutes setup the second 45 in a way that actually is more predictable than sunrise.

Some stuff about a house, lobsters, a crossbow and some boat race.

Demi Moore, John Cusack and lots of people in their 30s pretending to be teenagers.

This was director 'Savage' Steve Holland's second film, his first was the greatly superior Better Off Dead. Watch that instead.

Also, retaining the nickname 'Savage', professionally, as an adult, who's not a wrestler, means you're probably a bit of a cock-tip.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091680/

4/10

                                                                         Perkin.

01/04/12 The Divide (2011)

Miserable, giggle free glumfest about some people stuck in a large basement after a nuclear kerfuffle.

They then decide to punch, rape and kill each other quite a bit.

There's an unexplained arrival of some SWAT team/scientists who shoot some guns and keep some children in hypno-pods.

Half good, half shit.

Probably a bit more shit than good.

4.5/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1535616/

                        
                                                                             Perkin.

31/03/12 Monster Brawl (2011)

This film should've been great fun, sadly it was balls.

A deathmatch fight-comp is held between a group of traditional movie ghouls; vampire, werewolf, zombie and whatnot. I was hoping for a cross between True Blood (when it's occasionally good) and Fightclub. But it's not. It's poorly paced, unfunny bollocks.

Poo.

3.5/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1716753/

                                                                          Perkin.