20/05/12 Payback:The Director's Cut (1999)

Gil Mebson plays Porter. He wants his money back so he shoots people.

This is the director's cut which is more like a grown up's film. It's probably a bit better.

7/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120784/

Tea-thal Weapon

Mel insists on a bedtime story every night.

"Got 'em done at Hollywood Nailz"

"OMG! They're devine!"

"I want to cup you."

Perkin.

20/05/12 Rise Of The Animals (2011)

If you make a film on a pocket money budget, at least make it fun. Like this.

7.5/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1954780/

Perkin.

19/05/12 DeadTime (2012)

Today I was meant to go and see The Raid, but I've got a bit of a cold, so I ended up staying in and watching this bollocks instead.

I wanted to like this low budget British horror film -made for £25,000-  as y'know, support the home team and whatnot, but it's a bit, as the French would say, le fucking arse.

Some of the actors actually try, some of the music was half decent, but the script punches it in the balls without mercy.  Wish I'd seen The Raid, that looks excellent.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1560479/

3.5/10

Terry Christian is in this. Briefly.

Yup.

"Gimme back my wig!"

!

Perkin.

18/05/12 Osombie (2012)

When people talk about 'brave' film making they'll probably mention Lars Von Trier or Michael Haneke or some other Euro miserablist.

What's really brave is when people make a film about a zombie Osama Bin Laden and it's not a comedy.

Also, it's not very good, but I most likely didn't need to tell you that.

4/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2141875/

Perkin.

18/05/12 A Kiss And A Promise (2010)

How's that for a deceptive title? A Kiss and a Promise? Leaves you expecting a soft focus cloud of rom-com fluff, doesn't it?

Nope, this films about a shady pair of odd buggers running a B&B and their single resident, a failed novelist. Mr Oddbugger is an active fellow, his hobbies include small, tidy beards, occasional rape/murder, mansex with the lodger, strangling Mrs Oddbugger and wearing glasses.

Filmed in a very downbeat, grey style, imagine a biopic of Fred West made by the French.

Oh la la! *Stabs*

6.5/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1610294/

"I'd like a banana, please"

"On its way"

Gordon Freeman: The introspective years

Not a Canadian.

Perkin.

16/05/12 The Collapsed (2011)

Low budget Candian film (IMDB says $150,000. If that's Canadian dollars, that works out at about five shillings) that follows a family as they amble through a seemingly endless countryside, trying to find somewhere safe after an unspecified apocalyptic event.

The slow reveal as to the nature of the event is where the film eventually concludes in a somewhat less than cheery fashion.

It's well shot, well acted and well paced. The only flaw, and I'm willing to forgive it considering the budget, is the freeform sounding, trumpet-heavy soundtrack. Although I might just dislike trumpets.

I've decided, yup, trumpets are definately wankers. So you should seek this out and give it a go. It's good.

8.5/10

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1734122/

                                                                        Perkin.

16/05/12 Avengers Assemble (2012)

Fucking Shit. Terrible, terrible shit! A 2hr20 megabudget toy advert dickfest, full of relentless computer effects wrapped around a thinly written plot about a bunch of special needs superheroes fucking around with invading space monkeys. It's predictability tests patience to the limit, every single shot has a slick blockbuster obviousness and as for the attempts at humour, I laughed more during A Serbian Film. Which was also shit.

Even the Hulk's pretty boring, which would make my 10yr old self very disapointed.


Fucking rubbish, fuck off.

 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0848228/

1/10

The title is also an anagram of Algae verbs semens. Which sounds much more fun.

                                                                          Perkin.